Category: Uncategorized

I haven’t journaled in a while. Feel a bit out of touch with myself. Let’s improve that 🙂

Life has been interesting.

Roomie
I moved in with Masha (and her two kids) 2 months ago. It was great, until she went to Ibiza for 10 days and left me with Artsy. While she partied, I had to baby-sit a super noisy teen ager. When she came home, I told her I have to move out. But she’s been disciplining him and it’s liveable here again. So I’ve decided to stay. Rent is $1000/month, which is way cheaper than me renting my own place (around $2000/month). Plus the view is unparalleled, and the pool and sauna are amazing, and it’s nice to have Masha as my roomie for the most part.

I must admit that I liked her a lot more before she left for Ibiza. I admired her ability to juggle being a mom, an entrepreneur, and still having time for dancing etc.

When you live with someone, you see things more clearly. She has been a lousy mom, a distracted entrepreneur who parties too much, and she is borrowing her health from the future. Well, sort of. She’s been sick one way or another since I moved in. Right now she has pneumonia and an ear infection.

She’s also become more and more self centred. I don’t know why. Can’t stop talking about herself. Letting go of her responsibility as a mom a lot of the times.

But she has so many great qualities too. And I need to be less judging.

Some of her great qualities include, she is very chill about anything I do. She is generous with money and help and food. She is non-judging, which I can learn from. She is very happy in general. She has a good sense of humour. She has a zest for life. She asks good life questions sometimes. Oh and she rarely speaks badly of people. She is always appreciative and optimistic. She is easy to live with, easy to communicate with.

I can learn some good traits from her. No one is perfect. I will appreciate her good, and accept her bad.

DUAL – Don’t judge. Understand. Accept. Love.

I want to be a better human being. A more charismatic one. One that people want to be with and love.

Business
I’m being more proactive and more hardworking these days. Sales are not yet reflecting this, but I hope they will soon.

I’m delegating. I’m planning to systemize. I’m building a team.

Love
I’ve been dating John. Sometimes I like him, sometimes I don’t. I think he is not interesting enough to be the one for me. But, it’s nice to have him sometimes.

Health
I’ve been swimming, which is great. I’ve been feeling a bit of abdominal discomfort. I suspect that it’s my endometriosis. I’m going to try out castor oil!

 

I’ve been feeling very stressed.

1. I haven’t found a place to live for September 1st. I can live with Masha, but I’m worried that it’s too much. I’m worried that I won’t have enough privacy or alone time to be focused and productive.
   1. Solution: Spend time in a library. You can walk there!
   2. Spend a week or more in Victoria for a change of scenery. Go to library there too.
2. I’m not sure about continuing my relationship with John. It’s really stressful because I kind of enjoy time with him and I kind of can’t stand him. I love being loved. I love that someone cares for me. I love so many things about him. But the sense of humour, cheapness, bad conversationalist – killer bad traits. Cheapness can be fixed. Conversation skills can be learned. Sense of humour at this age, that’s harder.
   I wish so much that we can be the one for each other. He seems to be the closest to what I want so far! How I wish that he was just more funny. So many people are….why can’t he be? If he was funny, other things are all good. He is pretty much perfect. Sigh. I’m so sad about it. I don’t want to break up with him. Right now I’d rather have him than not have him.
   Good:
   1. He is so sweet. He is trying his best to be an attentive boyfriend, I can tell. He really wants to make it work.
   2. I do miss him when he is away and I look forward to seeing him.
   3. When we talked on the phone, I actually felt closer to him. He was really good at encouraging me, and he can make me laugh.
   4. He is hot. Great face, great body, great smile, beautiful penis of just the right size. Perfect height.
   5. He has his life together.
   6. He drives me and opens the door for me. Super sweet.
   7. He texts me good night every night.
      The Bad:
   8. He is so boring. Honestly. He is a terrible conversationalist and story teller. He doesn’t talk about deep stuff or very interesting stuff. He doesn’t really find what I say to be funny. His sense of humour is so weak it’s unbearable.
   9. He doesn’t seem to have (good) friends.
   10. He is stingy and cheap.
   11. He seems hung up on the past. He can’t open up very well. His dad’s passing away. Maybe even his ex.
   12. Sex is not quite fulfilling. But I wasn’t even that turned on by him.
3. Business sliding
   1. It’s been a while. I want to make it grow!
   2. I’m taking steps to achieving that though. I’m going to the Orange Hat conference.

I don’t want to date him anymore.

John is one of the cutest guys I’ve met. He is 6’1, the perfect height. He has a lean and muscular body. A mischievous smile. Small face with high cheekbones. Cute ass. Nice legs. Nice dick. Cutest phohawk hair with natural blonde streaks.

He drives a BMW (3 series, but still, looks brand new). He skateboards really well. Was a pro when he was a kid. He is an investment broker (I think). He lives in Kits.

He adores me. We chatted for a bit, 3 weeks before I came to Vancouver. I had dated Steve in the mean time. The day I arrived, he messaged me. By second date, he deleted Bumble. He messaged me every night before he went to bed. He messages me everyday with sweet things. I felt completely secure with him. I know that he is into me and only me. He is not browsing around.

He’d say things like, I don’t ever want to drop you off. I don’t ever want to leave. He seems to have no judgement of me. He likes everything about me. My style, my mohawk. He remembers things that I’ve said.  He opens the car door for me. He held me hand as we climbed rocks.

There’s really a lot of great qualities about him.

But I feel very little towards him.

On our first date, I thought he was soooo boring. Something about him is very…boring or annoying. He is vocally agreeable. Always saying “yes yes yes” or “nice nice nice”.

Another thing I don’t like about him is that I’m pretty sure he is cheap.

He keeps taking me on free dates to the skatepark. On Saturday I invited him over for dinner. I made an incredible meal, with fresh wild sockeye salmon with lemon and basil, avocado salad, organic zucchini and basil and tomato stir fry, and fruit salad.

He brought, a dozen cherries.

WTF.

He kept saying thank you and that the dinner was the best he’s had in a long time, and he opened a new bottle of carrot juice in my fridge, ate some of my almond butter chocolate cups and took one to go.

What else has he done. He has tried to return a watermelon to the grocery store. His friend offered him a mushroom pill, he took it and said he’ll save it for later.

He is cheap. No doubt about it.

I was losing interest. I didn’t bother saying tonight last night.

This morning he asked if I wanted to go on an afternoon adventure. I said tell me more. He said we’ll go to a skatepark and he’ll teach me. Then go drunk in some water later.

Yes, another free date.

I told me straight up what I thought. I said:

I didn’t mean to call you out like this, but people who are generous are generous with their heart also. It’s important to me to know early on that I’m not wasting time with a stingy person with a closed off heart.

Now we are going out to dinner tonight. We’ll see how this goes.

I still think it’s rather hopeless because he is still not fun. But we’ll see. He has other good qualities.

I matched up and talked on the phone with a new guy today. James. He seems very sane, has his own biz, is location independent, has a condo in White Rock, and is very interested in my life. He is possibly decent looking, but is only 5’9. He is very serious though. Not very funny so far.

I found him so quickly. I had a sudden realization that, Steve must’ve been going on dates with other girls.

Our first two dates, I think I must’ve been the first one he liked. He was so thrilled about me.

I think he may have started chatting with other girls or even gone on dates after that.

All this time I thought it was just about kids and not living here. I forgot that, I stopped searching once I found him, just like Bella did and what most girls would do unless the guy is lacking. But guys are different. Guys will keep looking.

We both have been on Bumble for just two weeks, and, because I thought he didn’t look that great in his profile, he must’ve not gone on many dates. Come to think of it, I could be wrong.

Not to mention, he meets so many customers, he could’ve met people at his gym too.

I thought:

1. He was loyal because he is a Taurus and he said he was loyal
2. We had a strong connection, so he must’ve stopped swiping too.
3. He wasn’t very popular because his profile wasn’t great

And I stopped swiping because:

1. I was too jaded to really go out on dates while sad, one was already a chore
2. Had a good date and didn’t want to bother with the other clearly worse guys
3. I just needed one guy to help me get over Sam
4. I was only here briefly
5. I was busy with work and family
6. I was too focused on whether I select him or not, and not realizing guys now-a-days are selectors too.
7. I was convinced that I’m the best he’s encountered haha
8. I have the tendency to laser focus my energy on just one guy. I’m monogamous at heart.
9. I needed a rebound.
10. I needed just good sex from one guy.

Now  I know that:

1. He will take time to fall in love and become loyal. Guys take their time to commit, especially when new to online dating. They will browse around instead of going with the first good one they found.
2. Guys will keep swiping even after an amazing date and connection and sex (Like Johan!)
3. If his profile was good enough for me, it’s good enough for many girls. Also, there are many much uglier profiles on Bumble. His looks relatively good.

Alex was probably a rare one. He also falls in love quickly like I do. It was without a doubt that we only liked each other. Jeffrey was sweet but even he tried to go on dates behind my back. Sam certainly has wandering mind and was quick to start swiping. So was I.

Lessons learned:

1. Remember that a guy hasn’t chosen you yet, unless you’ve gone on several dates and he consistently shows that he chose you and that you have his undivided attention.
2. Keep on going on more dates with other guys. Fill your roster so you have 3 decent candidates at all times.
3. You don’t know the guy yet, in the first 2 months! Remember this! It takes time. Go slow. Don’t build up too much expectation. Get to know him.
4. Don’t give too much up front! Give your loving energy and words, but not money or time or effort.
5. Go light on committing and deciding! Don’t act like the person is your one and only…guys can feel the intensity and it makes them feel that you really really want a committed relationship with them too soon. It stresses them out and pushes them away.

Steve messaged me this late morning on and off, until around 4pm, he asked if I would be going to a session tomorrow. I realized then for sure that he wasn’t into arranging any dates with me before I leave.

I told him no. I told him that I didn’t feel that he wanted to see me or even talk to me much. I said I would’ve liked seeing him more, but he wasn’t prioritizing me high enough.

He said he wanted to be sure himself, and that I would be away for over a month, and that we are just testing the waters right now.

I said we have no future because he wants kids, and that I didn’t want to say it out loud before because I didn’t want him to value us or me less.

He said he felt like a fool and he made assumptions about me wanting a committed relationship.

I said I do, but short term is ok.

I said I just wanted to talk about going forward instead. The next few days. I said I wanted to have great sex with him and not feel rushed.

He said he was busy the next three days.

Wow. I didn’t expect that.

It felt shitty.

I said, “Ok. I guess this is it.” Then, 6 hours later, he finally replied.

He said, “Ok, but I’d love to hang out and continue to get to know you better when you come back to Victoria. I guess time will tell :)”

I wanted to reply so badly, something rude.

So I’m here, writing my hearts out. I don’t think I should reply to him.

I want to say:

If you can’t prioritize me into your life in the span of 3 days, then why would I want to hang out with you, ever?

You want to get to know me because I’m brilliant and business savvy. You don’t get these benefits of me when you don’t value me.

—

My lesson here:

When someone is a deal breaker, just spell out what you want instead of hiding it. But..if we were to have a casual thing, I don’t think I would’ve gotten much respect either.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said that I was moving. But I’m not someone who lies.

I wanted to be honest, I wanted to be sincere, I wanted to be giving, I wanted to be loving. I did all that. And what I got in return was, getting slated.

Where did I go wrong?

If I just kept the moving to Vancouver fact to myself…would things have been different? Or the kids thing even? Maybe that’s what I could’ve done.. I would’ve had a much better experience I think. Then, I can be the one breaking his heart when I leave or tell him I don’t want kids “with him”, haha.

But that’s not me.

If I were to do it all over again, I probably would’ve done the same thing. I don’t want to hurt someone on purpose.

I’m trying to imagine if I was him. I meet someone who wants kids, and will be going away soon. Would I still try to get close to him? Yes. That was Idriss. And we dated like we were a team.

But everyone is different. And Idriss did hope that we can date. Steve is much slower at falling in love. To be honest I think the fact that I was leaving for a month and a half was what troubled him more. Fair enough, because I don’t intend to live in Victoria.

I want to say: When you said you can’t make time for me today, tomorrow, the day after, and the day after that, it became clear to me that you are not sincere. We don’t need time to tell. I was wrong about you.

Come to think of it, I will send that.

Sent. And blocked him because there’s no point in hearing back. It’ll just change my mood.

In the future I need to learn to not give so much up front! Breadcrumbs.

I suppose my intention was to have some good sex and to get over Sam. And I got that.

I just wish that FOR ONCE, it’s bittersweet instead of this shit. Honestly, not once was it bittersweet. NOT ONCE! Guys don’t treat girls well whether it’s just for sex or if it looks to be a committed relationship. Or, am I doing something wrong? Do I bring out the worst in people?

Idriss actually was bittersweet the first time.

But not Josh, not Brad, not Fin, not Matthew, not Steve, not Patrick.

No one was willing to hold on to me and be sweet to me until the last day of our short fling.

Why???????

I’m so at a loss. I’ve been so supportive, so fun, so everything to these guys. They tend to value their existing friends more, having this preconceived notion that I’m dispensable.

There are well-adjusted men out there. Where are they? I want to be with them.

I talked to Masha for a while today. It was good to be able to do that. She has become a close friend. I’m still weary of us competing for guys down the road. I really really hope it doesn’t come to that! I hope we stay best friends 🙂 <3

Last night Steve finally messaged me. He apologized for the late reply. Said that Whatsapp doesn’t always notify him. Sigh.

We messaged back and forth for a bit. He asked about my lunch. I was surprised that he remembered.

As much I was disappointed in him in general, I decided to send him what I already typed out about his business anyway. He got the email, and he was very touched. He said I was smart and he was taken aback by this. He said no on has ever wanted to help him in that way. Sent me a kiss.

Well, that was it. Today he messaged me late. 11:30am. It wasn’t a real time conversation either. He trained his nephew and they are still hanging out. He is obviously not making plans with me today. He hasn’t yet made plans with me tomorrow.

I’ve decided now. I’ll just be friends with him. I do want to ask for the favour of him emailing Qalo about wholesale on my behalf, in the near future.

It makes me so sad….that he wasn’t trying harder to spend time with me. That he can go the whole day without messaging me back.

I cried even when he said how much he appreciated me doing that business idea list for him. I always do that. I always give so much. But I get so little back it seems.

I bought the books on being a better girlfriend, on keeping the guy. And I learned a lot. But nothing really helps me with the situation at hand. I tried to be ok with it, but I’m not.

I need to see this for what it is. I’m here for just a few more days, and he is not making much of an effort to see me or even talk to me.

Well, I’m guessing it’s that, he doesn’t care to. I’m not a priority. I don’t want kids. I don’t want to adopt. He basically already has kids…his nephew and niece.

I’m so sad.

I just want to spend time with him even it’s for a short while. I just want to have more sensual sex…make love. I just want quality time, quality touch, quality conversations.

I really want to justify his actions. I want to believe that deep down he is a good guy. And I want to, for once, not break a friendship….but it’s so hard.

Steve messaged me this morning, around 10:30, after 24 hours. Today, we messaged a couple times back and forth, then he hasn’t responded for 8 hours now. Didn’t even check his Whatsapp.

I’ve been battling in my head, am I reading too much into this. Yesterday he was busy. But still, too busy to write anything? Today, he didn’t check all day….what could it be?

Maybe he is out on another date.

Sigh.

Whatever the reason is, it’s not acceptable to not reply within a few hours.

Is it so hard to be sweet to me for a couple weeks?

I so want to be loved.

I want to text him to tell him off, because I’m mad, I’m sad. I feel unimportant.

I gotta let him go.

I spent yesterday typing up some business ideas to help him.

I won’t send it to him now. It’s his loss.

I’m like Ted from How I met your Mother. I’ll always have hope. I won’t be jaded. I’ll be true. I’ll have a sense of wonder.

I didn’t realize that even just my subtle feeling of disappointment on that date was already bringing this downhill. Man. Guys can be so sensitive these days.

Unlike the old days…guys seemed to be more resilient. People, in general, were more willing to try.

Sigh.

I feel so sad.

I thought we had something, even if not long term.

I want to give him the benefit of a doubt. Maybe he had a busy day. But two days in a row?

Even if it’s business related, it’s not good for our relationship in the long run.

Oh well.

I think I’ll just not get into any relationship for now.

Hey, at leasts I no longer think about Sam.

I just wish with Steve it was more bittersweet….like we both want to make it work but we know it’s not a good idea.

Instead, he is just becoming distant.

I will think about something else now. I’ll occupy myself with something else.

I’m brilliant. I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m funny. I’m a high quality woman. I’m a great catch. I’m the one. I’m the one and only. I’m sunshine that brightens and warms the day. I’m so fun and pleasant to be around. I’m sexy. I’m inspiring. I’m lovable. I’m enough.

 

 

 

 

 

I’m a little scared to take the next steps. So let me write this out to help clarify my own vision and help me feel more confident about my decisions.

1. Rings
   1. I have the women’s collection colours readily picked. I will get Martin to sample all the colors. Sort out the fact that some colours are inconsistent and find a solution. e.g. Always go darker if in doubt. Always check in sunlight. Avoid translucency (we want opacity)
      1. Black grey and white already done
      2. We can use existing purple pyramid
      3. Still need to sample 8 colors (possibly more to choose the right one)
      4. Also try 3 metallic (for the Iguana collection perhaps, and pearl white)
      5. Black sparkles and more glitter based (Xmas)
      6. neon (maybe later)
      7. light blue and light pink (pearlescent?)
      8. rose gold still popular I think
      9. chevron rings for women
      10. filigree rings for women (try hollow and not)
   2. Men’s collection (sample on the right rings and sizes)
      1. Paramedics blue/white
      2. Black and purple perhaps
      3. Red white blue
      4. copper comfort fit
      5. orange and blue
      6. solid red
      7. gear ring would be a cool idea (steam punk)
      8. mountain ring (speak to the people!!! hikers, climbers; try pre-order)
   3. Get started on brand identity and tone of voice and then design packaging
   4. Ring box option? Gear for Xmas
   5. What are some other preps for Xmas?

I had been a bit sad about Steve…couldn’t quite place the reason. I think it’s because we weren’t intimate at all when I went to a session with him. But then, it wasn’t to be expected, and I let that go. I just missed being intimate with him, and him not initiating it made me insecure about us.

But then in Wednesday, he said good morning and we started chatting on and off. He said he’s been tired since our last date (on Friday) and had just recovered. Turned out he gets up at 5am everyday automatically, so he usually goes to bed at 9pm.

Sometimes a little clarification makes everything brighter again. I was wondering what took him so long to initiate another date.

So we went paddleboarding yesterday. I guess I was a little sad that he came quite late…4:20pm. He worked, boxed, trained his nephew, then came. It’s not super late, but when you know he goes to bed at 9pm, it isn’t a lot of time for us to paddleboard, have dinner, then have sex.

I think my face kinda showed the disappointment. I’m a bit hard to please.

We did all that though. Paddleboarding was somewhat fun but not extremely. He was sometimes funny. He was just funny enough for me to want to keep him really. Plus he has so many other great things about him. He is fairly outgoing. I like that. He is very thoughtful. I noticed that he expresses his love through acts of service. He would open the door to his car for me often. He changed my paddle to the right length for me. He hid our slippers for us before we went off to the sea. He set up the candles and music before we started having sex.

I wish he was more of a words person though. More compliments. He says nothing during sex. He rarely compliments me. He is not very wordy or funny during chat.

He is such a great catch, yet at the same time, I feel not fully head over heel. Yet at the same time, I’m balling right now thinking about letting him go. I really like him.

He is a good guy. A giving guy. A loyal guy. Someone who probably will love me forever if we get into a relationship.

He wanted me to teach him to be location independent, and he wants to live in the warm climate all year round. He thinks very much like me!

He want to sell his business eventually. He traded stocks recently and did well. He is kind to people. He is patient. He is smart. His dick is beautiful. He butt is adorable. His body is hairless. He laughs out loud.

Can I be with him long term? I don’t know…sometimes he seems too boring to me. But sometimes he seems alright.

The biggest thing however, is that he wants kids. He asked yesterday if I would be willing to adopt. I didn’t answer him. Honestly, this relationship will never work because kids are something he really wants. He said on our first date that if we were best friends then he probably doesn’t need to have kids. I really think that it will still surface.

There are things I don’t like about him…like the fact that he hardly messaged me today. Or that he doesn’t compliment me enough. Or that he is not playful enough. But, these are things that he can improve upon. We can both work to make this relationship work.

But the kids issue, and, two more things – his biz at its infancy, and him living in Victoria…these are deal breakers.

The kids thing is 100% deal breaker. The other two are 80%.

Well, I hope I’ll see him two more times before I move to Vancouver. Though realistically I think we’ll only see each other one more time. He might come visit me in Vancouver though. Either way. I’ll be ok.

I’ve wanted to cry since the beginning of this relationship. Today I really cried. Sigh.

It was good to have him help me get over Sam and get some good sex finally! That I really really appreciate.

And how cute were we, kissing in the tree!

I’m gonna miss him. I don’t think we can be friends after this, until I’ve found someone else.

I feel like he can though. I really don’t know just how much he likes me.

We are similar in that, we both didn’t have any long term relationship for about 9 years. I think it means we are quite willing to end a relationship if it’s not a fit.

 

 

 

I don’t know what it is exactly… I feel sad. I cried.

I’m annoyed by a lot of things. I’ve been annoyed at Mom ever since I got back. More so than usual. At first I attributed it to Sam. I think he had a bad energy that rubbed off on me. I’ve been hiding it. Secretly rolling my eyes. That’s probably like how he treated me too. I wanted nothing but good for us, and he was filled with contempt. I felt like that towards Mom…and I don’t know how to not feel that way.

And in some ways I’m probably justified actually. Sometimes she is so negative without knowing. Steve asked me about my muscles the day after the workout. She said, “Oh he only asked about your muscles not you? He only cared about his business?” Ugh. I hated that. TBH it did cross my mind briefly, but I quickly corrected and thought of it as his form of caring. But she planted that seed in me. And today when he asked again about my muscles, I felt that he didn’t care about me.

And I’m sad about Steve too. Yesterday everything seemed fine. But today, he didn’t message me all day. I felt so neglected. He forgot about booking me in for tomorrow until I reminded him.

Sure he probably had a busy day as he told me he would, but he’s been on my mind all day. I wanted him. I wanted to make out with him. I wanted to make love with him.

And yesterday, we didn’t even get to kiss. He didn’t try to kiss me. He didn’t touch me. We had just had sex 2 days before. It felt so weird. But then again, I was keeping a bit of a distance too. I didn’t know how to behave. Maybe he was the same way. He was attentive though.

I think there are two things at play here. I’m falling for him and I have started to expect things. I have started to wonder where we stand. I should not worry. Remember the other time, a couple days before our date, when I thought maybe he had flirted, and I flirted back? And he didn’t reply for hours? And I started googling “How to not take things personally”. Omg. I need to remember that I can get that way. I felt so insecure about whether he liked me or not. I played back to when I went to his studio, how he didn’t complement me on my mohawk upon seeing it for the first time.

Then when he replied, I was so relieved. And, more than that…he said he checked out my alopecia video and thought I was awesome. And that he sent it to his mom too.

Remember that. Remember how he can be subtle. Remember how I can be a bit insecure.

Remember how he was super sweet and passionate during sex. Remember how he thanked me that next day and said he felt great. Remember how he was very thoughtful the day I went in for a session. Feel it in his act, not in his words.

Don’t let Mom inject doubt and negativity into my mind.

But that’s what I can’t stand. I can’t stand living here with Mom. She can be so different from me, in a way I dislike. She is so opinionated. So judging. So black and white. So small minded. So slow. So dumb. UGGGGHHHH.

I hate that she is always stressed out about the tiniest things. I hate that she can’t see the big picture of my biz when I give away products. I hate that she is so opinionated about everything that every person does.

I honestly can’t live in Victoria. I can’t stand her.

Strange how I’m less tolerant of her, after my session with Tunjung. Granted I haven’t bee meditating. And I have been in a bad mood. Until I met Steve….I was in such a good mood 2 days ago when we had sex! But the high has come down….

I’m scared. I’m scared that Steve isn’t into me after sex. That he just wanted to be polite and friendly. I’m so scared. Why?

• Because guys sometimes just want to get laid. And same here.
• We had sex a bit too early on – second date! From kissing to having sex…it made me wonder if he was taking this seriously. Though the same can be said about me.
• He hasn’t told me anything about previous relationships. He did say that he is loyal.
• He kinda wants kids. It makes me worry that he already dismissed me like Jeffrey did. And also, I kinda dismissed him myself because of this.

I’d feel better if we talk it out, have great sex again, and that he takes the initiative to call me or arrange a date with me.

I said to myself before, that we can be friends. But now, it’s gonna be near impossible….I’m so attracted to him. And then, I had the idea that we’d just date for the next 10 days…but now, I want him to want me for much more. I don’t want us to end. But we are so new. I don’t know much about him yet. I’m quite sure he is not playful enough nor funny enough for me. And I don’t like that he is at the start of his biz. But….he seems to have so much to offer. More than anyone before him. I adore him.

I want to cry but I don’t know why. I did cry. I don’t know if it’s a deep down love for him or feeling turned on that made me cry. It’s kinda like the great sexy cry. Or is it foreseeing the pain that is to come, when we end? I don’t want this to end. I want us to just really like and appreciate each other, adore each other, and have amazing sex.