Steve messaged me this late morning on and off, until around 4pm, he asked if I would be going to a session tomorrow. I realized then for sure that he wasn’t into arranging any dates with me before I leave.
I told him no. I told him that I didn’t feel that he wanted to see me or even talk to me much. I said I would’ve liked seeing him more, but he wasn’t prioritizing me high enough.
He said he wanted to be sure himself, and that I would be away for over a month, and that we are just testing the waters right now.
I said we have no future because he wants kids, and that I didn’t want to say it out loud before because I didn’t want him to value us or me less.
He said he felt like a fool and he made assumptions about me wanting a committed relationship.
I said I do, but short term is ok.
I said I just wanted to talk about going forward instead. The next few days. I said I wanted to have great sex with him and not feel rushed.
He said he was busy the next three days.
Wow. I didn’t expect that.
It felt shitty.
I said, “Ok. I guess this is it.” Then, 6 hours later, he finally replied.
He said, “Ok, but I’d love to hang out and continue to get to know you better when you come back to Victoria. I guess time will tell :)”
I wanted to reply so badly, something rude.
So I’m here, writing my hearts out. I don’t think I should reply to him.
I want to say:
If you can’t prioritize me into your life in the span of 3 days, then why would I want to hang out with you, ever?
You want to get to know me because I’m brilliant and business savvy. You don’t get these benefits of me when you don’t value me.
—
My lesson here:
When someone is a deal breaker, just spell out what you want instead of hiding it. But..if we were to have a casual thing, I don’t think I would’ve gotten much respect either.
Maybe I shouldn’t have said that I was moving. But I’m not someone who lies.
I wanted to be honest, I wanted to be sincere, I wanted to be giving, I wanted to be loving. I did all that. And what I got in return was, getting slated.
Where did I go wrong?
If I just kept the moving to Vancouver fact to myself…would things have been different? Or the kids thing even? Maybe that’s what I could’ve done.. I would’ve had a much better experience I think. Then, I can be the one breaking his heart when I leave or tell him I don’t want kids “with him”, haha.
But that’s not me.
If I were to do it all over again, I probably would’ve done the same thing. I don’t want to hurt someone on purpose.
I’m trying to imagine if I was him. I meet someone who wants kids, and will be going away soon. Would I still try to get close to him? Yes. That was Idriss. And we dated like we were a team.
But everyone is different. And Idriss did hope that we can date. Steve is much slower at falling in love. To be honest I think the fact that I was leaving for a month and a half was what troubled him more. Fair enough, because I don’t intend to live in Victoria.
I want to say: When you said you can’t make time for me today, tomorrow, the day after, and the day after that, it became clear to me that you are not sincere. We don’t need time to tell. I was wrong about you.
Come to think of it, I will send that.
Sent. And blocked him because there’s no point in hearing back. It’ll just change my mood.
In the future I need to learn to not give so much up front! Breadcrumbs.
I suppose my intention was to have some good sex and to get over Sam. And I got that.
I just wish that FOR ONCE, it’s bittersweet instead of this shit. Honestly, not once was it bittersweet. NOT ONCE! Guys don’t treat girls well whether it’s just for sex or if it looks to be a committed relationship. Or, am I doing something wrong? Do I bring out the worst in people?
Idriss actually was bittersweet the first time.
But not Josh, not Brad, not Fin, not Matthew, not Steve, not Patrick.
No one was willing to hold on to me and be sweet to me until the last day of our short fling.
Why???????
I’m so at a loss. I’ve been so supportive, so fun, so everything to these guys. They tend to value their existing friends more, having this preconceived notion that I’m dispensable.
There are well-adjusted men out there. Where are they? I want to be with them.
I talked to Masha for a while today. It was good to be able to do that. She has become a close friend. I’m still weary of us competing for guys down the road. I really really hope it doesn’t come to that! I hope we stay best friends 🙂 <3