Wow, what a crazy day.
Let’s start from last night. Jeff wanted to get on the phone (4th time) which I loved. I was hoping he’d ask.
But due to miscommunications, we both waited and when I asked him, he said he was going to bed. It seemed like he is the passive aggressive type. Kept saying it’s fine, but it really wasn’t.
But I demanded/begged for a short talk. I didn’t want to go to bed without talking to him, when we said we will. I was looking forward to it!
So we did. And it was nice. We had phone sex again.
The next morning, we started the conversation early. I masturbated to thoughts of him before getting up.
He said he was nervous about meeting me. He worried that I might not find him attractive. He doesn’t think that he’ll not find me attractive.
I told him that I thought I might throw up like Molly did. He said he felt the same, and said, brb, barfing. lol.
Mom called and I told her how cute Jeff has been.
But part of me felt like, if he doesn’t look attractive like I expected, then it’s a test for me. For me to learn to be less shallow.
I felt like he is the one for me, and I will want him no matter what he actually looked like. I had looked through his photos a thousand times, and even though he looked different in every single photo, I felt that there’s no way he could look bad. All these photos are hot.
And I told him that. I told him that I like photos of him, and I had looked through them a thousand times. He smiled.
I thought, I hope that’s a reassuring smile, rather than a worried smile, worrying that his photos were from a while ago and didn’t look like him now.
Then, as if by irony, he sent me an elevator selfie as he was going home. He looked about 50 years old in the photo! I was coming home from the post office, and my heart sank. WTF. His hair looked puffy and grey, not like the blonde fauxhawk in the profile. His face looked puffy and grey. His body posture was awkward. His head was big. It was the most disappointing photo in the world.
I was sooo sad. I felt mislead. I looked at that photo very closely, trying to find traces of him that I like. I can’t. I even played that video of him training Molly, just to try to match his voice to the photo. I can’t. He looked so old. He looked like he should have an old man’s voice.
I thought that was why he was so nervous about meeting. I thought he was testing the waters with a recent pic, after I said I liked his profile pics.
I thought there’s no way those profile photos were recent. I asked him.
He was shocked. Said that’s not a good sign.
Meanwhile I called up Norm and cried to him. I said I really wanted this to work but he had turned out to be ugly. God knows how long ago those other photos were taken. I was crying pretty hard. I really really like him and I really really want it to work.
Norm said the pic doesn’t look that bad, and that I should apologize to Jeff.
Jeff said his profile photos were from last summer, so less than 6 months ago. After learning that, I said, we should still meet.
Then he sent me a better photo with better hair and lighting. He said that’s how he looks right now and if I still feel it doesn’t look like his profile photo and we should stop wasting each other’s time.
He looked hot in that photo.
Wow. I felt relieved. As though that photo must be the real one, and never mind that ugly one. I felt even more convinced that he was my type, strangely enough.
But he was damaged. I told him he looked hot and I was sorry to be blunt. He said it was fine and that no feeling will be hurt…. but I don’t think that’s the case. How could that be the case? Again he seems to have the tendency to cover up his feelings.
I tried calling him, but he didn’t pick up.
I said I felt miserable.
He said why? and explained that he was driving. He went to Whistler to visit his parents this weekend.
I thought he didn’t like his parents, but he said he does. He visits every couple of weeks. Then again, he also gets to ski when he is up there.
I asked him to let me know when he’s arrived.
For 1.5 hours, I just lied in bed feeling miserable.
Meanwhile Brad messaged me, saying that if I hadn’t completely got over him, he is through with his stressful biz stuff and is kinda craving me. I told him that he was cold under stress and was a turn-off, and that he needs to learn to handle stress.
He actually wrote back and apologized and said he really didn’t know how to do it. He didn’t even pleasure himself. Last we met up was mid or late November. So for 1.5 months he was stressed.
I told him I was even more stressed out during that time and I can’t relate to how cold he was. He said I didn’t message him either. I said I met an amazing person 3 weeks ago, who might be the love of my life.
He said he was so happy for me, and that I deserved it. I said thanks.
Meanwhile, Jeff finally arrived at his parent’s house. He sent me a photo of the west coast trail he took, as a way of letting me know that he had arrived.
I called him immediately. We talked about today. I tried my best to communicate that I find him hot in all his photos except for that one today. He tried his best to tell me that it’s ok, he would’ve done the same. But he said it’s a wakeup call, and that we should just have coffee first and see how it goes.
I didn’t like that, but I said ok. I cried and said I don’t want to not like him.
I told him I’m so attracted to him. He said he is attracted to me too. I asked how can he be sure that I’m not ugly. He said I sounded sexy. I said he sounded sexy too. Not just his voice, but also the way he talked. And his voice was amazing. He suddenly got all sexy on me and we had phone sex again.
To be perfectly honest it was half forced, because I was still distraught by what happened. I really do think he is gonna be hot, but at the same time I feel like I failed the test. I reacted to an ugly photo. Even though I had told myself that I’d like him no matter what.
I guess, in my defence, I thought he was intentionally using younger pictures of himself as the profile pics. That would’ve been a misleading act and very appalling. But he wasn’t.
And I did try to confirm first. I asked him when his profile photos were taken.
In any case, I hope I didn’t mess up.
I want this guy. I love him.
Jeff, We are going to get married. You’ll be 39, I’ll be 38. We will love each other so much. We will make each other so happy. We will stay together forever.