I learned something today.
When someone is gone or no longer available to you, the feeling of love surges.
I didn’t feel it as strongly with Jeffrey, but I definitely felt it with Alex.
After coming back from South Africa, for nearly a week, I was thinking about Sam the whole time. I felt no love for Alex.
I was ashamed about my emotional love affair with Sam. I didn’t even fantasize about sex with him. I was in love with him.
When that had just about worn out, I started to feel something for Alex. But I found so many things about him boring and uninspiring and pathetic.
Not wanting to donate blood. Not really wanting to help people outside of work while claiming that he loves to help people.
Always complaining. About things, about people.
Always rejecting my ideas.
No follow through. Agreed to deadline and didn’t write the two articles.
Hate how we fight and him being very assuming. He always interprets what I say in a negative way.
Acting like he is positive while it’s more….indifference.
Saying that money is not important, but does not realize that most of his problems stem from not having money.
Gets stressed out so easily. Drained of energy. Gets tired easily. Needs so much sleep. Is super sensitive.
Hates Tony Robbins.
Has very “typical” perspectives about things.
Aways a victim.
Passive. Passive aggressive.
No fun.
We don’t share the same sense of humour.
We don’t like anything in common!
And yet, breaking up with him had been so soo soooo hard. So hard for both of us. I’ve been crying for 3 days now.
And I love him.
I love him now more than ever.
I want to mend his broken heart. I want to cuddle with him. I want to kiss him better. I want to make everything good again for him.
All of a sudden he is just flawless. He is just an angel.
Our breakup stemmed from me not getting sex. Now I don’t even get to touch him.
I miss touching him. I miss kissing him. I miss his smile. I miss smiling at him. I miss our first date.
I know I can’t be with him. But I wish I could. I wish we share the same dreams and can build an amazing world together.
Why isn’t he the one!?
Will I find my one? My soul mate? My true love?
Someone who make me laugh everyday and laughs at my jokes? Someone who inspires me. Someone who makes me a better person. I just love myself even more when I’m with him.
Someone who energizes me. Makes me think. Blows my mind sometimes.
Someone who is cheery, outgoing. full of surprises and wonder and joy.
Someone who is competent and can get the job done.
Someone who thrives in this world.
Someone who believes in love, loyalty, and honours them.
Looks like I have some new goals for myself. I can’t wait to meet my counterpart!