Sam has been affecting my mood so much. I don’t like it. At the same time, I think I’m a bit hooked on it. I don’t like that either.
I will write this, but I don’t want to spend too much time on this. He’s taken up enough of my time.
That day, he agreed to talk, he came over to my room. We talked. He wouldn’t open up to me. We both lost patience. He started to leave. I got mad. I told him that he is an awful person. I was so mad, I chased him downstairs.
The next day, at Justin’s going away at that pizza place, I ignored him. He tried to say hi and ask how I was. I shrugged. He tried to sit near me, with Berta in between.
Thankfully Bella was there. I was telling her about how we heard her having sex with Johan, and she laughed. I told her about Sam, how we didn’t really have sex. She laughed. I told her that Sam was small. She laughed too. I told her about his craziness. She said, don’t bother with this guy.
I got some joy out of making Bella laugh so much in front of Sam. For that I was entertaining and that I didn’t seem as affected. I also got some joy out of looking really good and while Sam was chatting with Issa, Issa was like, wow. Oh and I was talking to Ricardo, a guy that Filipa met in Dojo. We had a good chat too, in front of Sam. But who knows how he felt. We think so differently.
The next day, he came over to try to talk. I was surprised, but not too surprised. He can’t stand that we are on bad terms, and I think it’s because he cares so much about what other people think, and that he didn’t want other people to think badly of him.
He also really wanted to know what happened during my healing session with Tunjung. I knew he would be curious. I told him. I cried as I told him.
He mentioned how he opened up to me about his suicidal thoughts, and I wasn’t supportive. That made me want to cry. He was right. I was glad he opened up to me.
Then he mentioned that he was really scared when I was mad at him during the first days. I wanted to comment on that. Not sure what happened to that thread of conversation.
Then he mentioned how he thinks that us being together makes other people not want to connect with him.
I said I thought he was wrong.
He was suddenly furious. He got really close to me to tell me to never do that again, and he stormed off.
I told him I was half joking. But, it wasn’t the truth. I just didn’t think as serious of these things as he does.
I was glad that he opened up to me, but I was not sure how to proceed with us. Wtf was that and how do I go from there?
I wrote a lot to him….but didn’t send it.
I went surfing instead and was enjoying it the past two days.
I was writing my journal about Tunjung, and decided to send Sam an email after all. I removed the parts about how he made me feel insecure, and the parts about him storming off. I only sent him the part about his suicidal thoughts….how I was sorry that I wasn’t very supportive. I didn’t want to judge. I didn’t want to tell him more about where I was coming from. It’s fine. There’s no point. Maybe it’s the “so you know” part of me that Tunjung mentioned, and I need to tone that down. The email was mostly just about him. I googled on how to console someone who has had suicidal thoughts. I’m supposed to let them know that I don’t want them to die, I care about them, and I’m glad they are still here. Maybe I should do that for Norm.
Come to think of it, Norm, Nicolas, Alex have all tried to kill themselves. Either it’s really common, or I attract them. But most of these were from the past, not relating to me. Maybe I’m drawn to them?
Anyway, I sent that email. I felt proud of myself. I cried as I was polishing up that part. I cried as I thought about him wanting to kill himself.
Facebook was full of ads and posts about depression and suicide.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he has depression. His mom has it.
I told him I value him and have a lot of love for him.
It’s true.
I still like him a lot. I like his voice, his sense of humour. His fashion style has grown on me too, and the way he moves.
Funny how, his small dick doesn’t come to mind too much. I crave his physical intimacy, despite all that small dick, which I couldn’t even really look at.
I think physical intimacy is such a big one for me. If someone doesn’t want to get sexy with me, I feel so rejected. If someone does want to get sexy, I feel happy, even if they are lacking in other ways…like with Matthew.
I shouldn’t make physical intimacy such a big deal though. Some people care more about the mental connection, emotional support and understanding.
4 days left. 3 days technically.
I don’t want to have more to do with Sam, unless he wants to be physically intimate.
Honestly, he’s rejected me on every level. Physical and emotional.
So, I should just stay away.
I was already the bigger person for writing that email. I’ve done enough.
I wish for many things to make the ending better, but I don’t want to write or think about them.
No expectations.
I wish life was about expectations met and exceeded. But, it’s not. It’s about having no expectations, and make the most of what comes your way.
I want to have more control over what comes my way. I want to maximize the happiness that comes my way.
I think to some extent we can do that, but, what is that extent? I try my best. But sometimes maybe I try too hard and too much to control my future.
So in this case, I will just let things be.
I’m going away with Alex, Andrew, and Debbie on Wednesday. Back on Thursday. Then leave on Thursday.
That leaves just tomorrow. I’m going to Kuta tomorrow for wave machine! Whoever wants to come can come. Hopefully at least one person. Can be anyone except Kevin haha.
And that’s that. No chance for Sam and I to hang out ever again. And that’s ok. He brought me joy, but also so much pain. Even if we learn to communicate better, he is still such a pain in the ass.
So forget it. Forget him. Let it go. Let him go.