I wrote the below on the plane. But now at a Lopiluwak cafe, I’m feeling better. I had this thought:
Sam and I we both tried our best, but we seem to constantly hurt each other unintentionally
Flying back now to Canada. I still think about what happened. It’s such a mental assault. I wish I could stop thinking about him and the pain that he caused me. But I’m writing now. I hope that writing will help. I think it’ll help more than just sitting here and thinking too much. I want to sort my thoughts.
Why do I keep going back to thinking about him? What exactly do I think about?
Well, I just retrace some of our interactions and wondered if something could’ve been done to fix it. But that time has all passed now.
I also think about, what if he writes to me and what if I write to him. Well, that’s also quite pointless to think about. I’m not going to write to him, and he is not going to write to me.
I guess in the back of my mind I’m thinking, he is not going to write to me now, but he might write to me later. He might realize at some point down the road that he really was to blame, and that he will apologize.
But do I really need that apology? I kind of know that he feels bad already. I kind of know that he will feel worse and worse down the road.
Do I want to interact with him in the future? No.
Let’s say he apologizes. Does that give me a peace of mind? No. Peace of mind comes from me, not him.
So what if he feels bad? Or not? So what if he cares? Or not?
None of these matter. i don’t want him in my life
The reason why I don’t want him in my life is because he will only cause more harm than good.
Best case scenario, he says, Tanya, I was afraid to love you but I actually do love you. Let’s try again. Let’s communicate better this time. I’m more mature now.
Would I really want that? No! His dick is waaaay too small. He has mood swings. He is mentally unstable. He has no patience. He has no self control. He has no grit. He is self centred. He is self righteous.
Other things he can potentially fix, such as being wounded by his ex…the wound can potentially heal. But, first of all, I honestly doubt it. The next person will still live in the shadow of his idealization of his ex, who is a piece of shit really. Or maybe just in his mind, because he painted the picture for me. She is a piece of shit and he is all over that.
Second, the dick size is not fixable. Mood swings are not fixable. I think genetics are not on his side. I think his has the depression genes.
So, Tanya, when you think logically, you have no more dealings with him. You don’t need to hear from him. Just block him in every way.
Yes, you can keep the good memories. And no, you don’t need to let him know that you blocked him. And no, you don’t need to seek revenge by telling him that he has a needle dick or any of the above that you wrote.
Tanya, be a good person, for the next great guy you meet. Learn from this experience instead of being wounded. Show that you take the high road instead of getting nasty.
Ok, once you know this, don’t you feel more relieved? Don’t you feel better? Yes.
When you think about the past, an experience you had with him, just think, how will I gain from this for my next relationship?
Remember some good things about him, and let him go. Don’t go around and harm others just because you are hurt. That’s one thing I can learn. Wounded people hurt other people!
So, some good things.
I adored that he tried to teach me to ride a scooter. He showed patience.
I adored that he took my fins off for me when I was by the boat. He showed tenderness.
I adored that he took good care of me when I was on mushroom. I liked showing that I needed him, and I liked that he was there for me. I remember getting up, all wobbly; I looked around and asked, where is Sam? And there he was, ready to be with me. He stood up and suggested that we walk somewhere alone. He pleasured me. We danced freely. I laughed a lot. He wanted to go back with me and have sex. He really tried to be good to me. He showed effort, and attraction, and love.
There are, at the same time, a million terrible things about him. But, I won’t think about them now. We’ll just go with one thing – the extremely tiny dick.
His tiny dick – it is there to help you not feel such a sense of loss. A sense of how it could be between us, if all stars aligned and if we can be a match.
Imagine if you didn’t come to Bali. You would’ve still been wondering what could’ve been between you and him. Fantasizing about being with him forever. Not knowing that he sucks in bed and has a tiny wiener. And 3 years later, when you finally do meet, you learn that he has changed so much, into someone who you don’t love and can’t love and won’t love you back.
At least now, I know.