Been back 4 days now. The jet-lag struggle is real. I haven’t been trying very hard to correct it though. Just taking life easy. I’ve been easy on myself. I need time to heal.
Gotta love myself HARD! Hahaha
I’ve been posting on FB and IG a bit much haha. But that’s ok. Getting more familiar with IG, and need to get those Bali pics up.
I check these two sites so many times a day, along with CashCowPro for Amazon sales. These are my source of tiny doses of endorphins throughout the day.
I also swipe Tinder and Bumble so religiously. I managed to connect with two entrepreneurs so far. They don’t seem too fun, but might be good to meet up and talk to anyway.
Sometimes I suddenly think about Sam, mostly the bad which angered me or made me sad. I tried to let it pass. Sometimes it’s the good. I tried to let that pass too.
It’s getting easier each day.
I really need to come to the understanding that we are soooo different, like two different species. We hurt each other in ways that we can’t even comprehend.
But, it’s all over now. Time to move on to the next person, the better person, the good person, for me 🙂
I listen to Lady Gaga’s a million reasons for a while. It’s still in my head. It somehow makes me think of me and him. A million reasons why we can’t be together, but if we wanted to, there could’ve been a chance.
But like I said to Berta, we haven’t even addressed the tiny dick issue! There are so many other issues to resolve, we can’t even say, Well, everything is amazing, except for this tiny dick issue.
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June 20th at 1pm. Don’t want to make a new post since I wrote the above at 4am today 🙂
I’ve been watching pornhub. It’s somewhat satisfying. Too bad I can’t be loud.
I just thought about Sam and F and it pissed me off again.
Stay calm.
Sam did love me. He is just messed up.
Him and F may or may not have anything. He has a low bar, to be honest. He was drawn to you because you make him laugh. You and him have a happy bond. You were always bonded via happiness. Him and her, they bonded via cigarette and sadness and darkness, if they were bonded at all. You also left him no choice as he had no one else to bond with. Plus they are neighbours.
It’s just not meant to be.
You are meant to be with someone much much better for you! Someone who is kind, loving, patient, and stable. Someone who has a nice, good-sized dick. Not Sam’s wilted, puny, malnourished dick.
There’s so much to him that you can’t relate, so don’t get hung up on when he liked you, how much, how little, when he stopped, etc. There’s much going on in his head, and lots of it is complex and dark.
Just know that, you did get what you wanted. You wanted him to be attracted to you, to find you hard to resist, to care about you, to love you, to lust for you. You wondered if he liked you in South Africa. He did.
He did a lot for you. As much as he denied his feelings for you, he did do a lot. Don’t just take what he says in its face value. He loved you more than he realized or willing to show. If he didn’t love you so much, he wouldn’t have let you in on his dark side, his secrets. He wouldn’t have cried in front of you.
He thought about marriage with you actually. He wouldn’t admit it, and he probably didn’t know…but deep down, he wanted a life with you. He admired you. He was just so full of stress, projection, loss, wound, jealousy, contempt, and darkness. He can’t be with someone like you. He is broken. Too broken.
He wanted so bad for you to be gentle with him, so be careful with him. He wanted so bad to be with you. But he kept on observing ways that he could be hurt, and how it could end badly, and he created that reality.
Don’t let F cloud your judgement of what you and Sam had. She is messed up. She is fake and private and wounded. Much like Sam, but she has a worse intention, perhaps.
It does not matter what she is now. Just let her go. Don’t let her get inside your mind. Love yourself enough to give yourself this peace and protection.
Sam did so much that you didn’t notice or express at the time.
Learn to appreciate more.
Learn to take it slow.
Learn to only enter into a relationship where there is no unescapable stress from the group, no ex-baggages, no mental illness.
Enter a relationship with someone who is clearly loving, clearly interested, clearly stable. Someone fun, someone who goals align with yours, someone playful and will make you happy day to day, someone who is location and financially independent, someone who laughs wholeheartedly, someone who is wholehearted, someone who is genuine and kind and transparent, someone who is open-minded and encouraging towards you, someone who is inspiring and is inspired by you. Someone who is sincere, loyal, and deeply in love with you :))