Went to Ty’s 70’s fashion show at the Beef House on Saturday.
On Sunday, got super sick. Achey all over, no energy. Frequent piercing pain in random places. I haven’t felt this sick since I got a flu when I was around 25 years old. 17 years ago!
Monday, headache and swollen achey throat. Piercing pain in head and shoulder areas. Hard to talk because it’d hurt. Phlegm. Skin terrible.
Tuesday, less swollen and achey throat, no more headache. Voice still shot. Phlegm.
Wednesday, throat almost normal, voice almost normal. Phlegm pretty much gone. Just a nerve behind the right ear that sometimes gets shooting pain…gone by evening. A bit congested in the evening. Skin better.
Tina, Adina, and Allison also got sick. Brian and Verneet maybe.
Tina was tested negative for COVID when she first got symptoms. Then tested again the next day and was positive.
I still think it was a flu, not covid.
I took cordeyceps everyday. Some Ener-C. Fish broth that Mom made. Oat milk (for Vitamin D).
I was hit pretty hard, but was improving fairly quickly.
Today, the 4th day, I went out to buy some celery. Probably shouldn’t have, if it was covid.
John came over to bring me a juice on Sunday, then went to see his friend Mike, drove him to airport, then went to see his Mom, then came by in the evening.
He put a cold towel on my forehead, and made me some lemon water.
On Monday, I asked him to come by again. He wanted to go skating. He came by briefly, then came by again after skating.
Both times he didn’t want to stay long, which was very frustrating for me. The fact that he came empty handed also pissed me off. In fact, he ate my food while I was sick…ate my bananas etc.
He wanted to leave at 9:48pm, because he was hungry and was gonna go home to get something to eat. I was a bit pissed. I said fine, I’ll order something for myself. He changed his mind and stayed to make me a salad with food in my fridge.
I thought it was still pretty lame that he was using my food, but he was really proud of himself. I pretended to really appreciate it.
It was a pretty decent salad. Cucumber, tomatoes, avo, blueberries, nuts, orange peppers.
But it’s because I bought all of those ingredients.
He chopped them up and thought he was the king. Ugh.
I know he ate a bunch of it too.
What a moron. I gave him $200k so far this year and he can’t bring a fucking salad? Or order something? I brought countless trips of groceries to him last year….maybe 15, 20 trips. He brought me 1 jar of tahini this year.
He is so unlovable, honestly.
Stingy. Boring. Repetitive. Ruminating. Depressing.
He is teachable, and I think he is already better than before. But still such a long way to go.
He’s been stressed out because the stock market has been fluctuating more than ever. Stupid Russian war.
I just feel like I can’t escape this fate…..this fate that I must be with him for now and god knows how much longer.
Today he told me again that he is worried that he might have cancer because he doesn’t have any appetite.
He had recently ordered an extensive blood work from a naturalpathic doctor, which will hopefully shed light on how to improve his health.
It’s been almost 4 years now that we are together. Omg.
I can’t wait for him to find his health and happiness.
I can’t wait for me to find my own.
I want the kind of sex and affection that Alex and I have.
I still think about him. I still miss him.
Yesterday, I still cried about him, before and after I masturbated. Like, just as I was getting healthy enough to feel the urge to masturbate, my mind goes to him.
Today, I posted on IG my cherry dress and my space buns.
I had planned this for weeks. I wanted to post them for Alex to see.
He had mentioned at one point that he liked that hair style (on anime girls).
And my cherry dress was super cute and sexy.
Looks like he did view my stories.
But what of it?
Nothing changes.
Still stuck with John. Still can’t date Alex.
I’m too congested today to feel much for Alex. I still masturbated to the thought of him today, but no tears. Does this mean he doesn’t miss me anymore either?
If this life is for me to play, I understand why I don’t have kids.
But I wish I had a playmate….even multiple playmates!
Maybe this weekend I’ll feel well enough to be spiritual. I’ll do some visualization and manifesting!