It took me a while to write this. It’s been hard to get to this point.
I held Patrick up on a pedestal, because he was the first person to want to see me bald and to tell me I look better bald. We had the best sex that night, when he told me he’s never been so turned on his entire life.
This trip was special to me.
Before the trip, I had a nightmare. Just like how I had a nightmare about Idriss, before visiting him. The dreamt that Idriss and I got into a fight because he didn’t have time for me. It was exactly what happened.
This time, I dreamt something about Patrick asking me to pay $200, $300 for something. I actually just remembered it today, and it shocked the hell out of me. I am fucking intuitive! I’m not sure if I like it. It’s not like I can prevent anything that is bound to happen. So what’s the point of knowing?
I was excited about this trip. I didn’t want it to go badly. I thought that my excitement meant it’s all gonna be ok.
Somehow Patrick managed to fuck it all up. 7 hours before the flight, asking me to book a fucking hotel.
I must say that he was sweet on Day 1, introducing me to everyone, and we fucked twice. The show was so much fun. Day 2 we still hung out a lot. Had a little fight over gym confusion, but we still had sex. Day 3 he left me waiting until 8pm. We still had sex, but the rest of the night was shitty. Day 4, he arranged to take me downtown and ziplining, but it was with so much indifference it was painful. That night, I hung out with his friends instead.
I was in so much pain. I wrote 3 extremely nasty messages to him, with empty threats. My goal was just to give him pain.
I didn’t cry so much….I cried a lot more when I thought Matthew and I were over. I just didn’t know how to re-adjust my image of this person whom I valued.
Is it another lesson I must learn?
It’s been over a week. I feel more calm about it. Being back with Matthew cheered me up immensely.
I have this feeling that, it’s just meant to be. The fact that he asked me to go on a weekend. The fact that I booked the O show and can’t change date. The fact that it was the week before my period and I was moody. The fact that he was having whatever that caused him ask me to book a hotel. It was all meant to crash and burn, just like how we were meant to have sex that night.
And so, that’s how it went. The force of this was too strong, and there is no way I was going to get out of it alive.
I just don’t know why it has to be this way.
Why can’t he just be a good memory?
Part of me still has this feeling that he’ll come around and apologize. I’m not giving him a chance to, nor will I forgive him, so I don’t see how. But I feel that he will, somehow.
I feel that he is a very messed up person. I feel that given more time him and I would understand each other better and would be able to resolve this, but we didn’t have more time. Nor is he worth more time.
I try to think of the moments of his niceness….the kind that I understand:
- I said I brought him 2 presents. He said, “No, just one. You are the present.”
- “I’m all yours.”
- Always helped me carry bags and opened doors for me.
- Never checked out girls or hit on girl in front of me.
- Did arrange to take me downtown and ziplining as promised. Did message me the moment he got up, trying to be cheery. Did come up to have sex with me when I asked. It’s like, he has a sense of duty in a way. Not the same as mine, but there’s something there.
- He was surprisingly upset over me leaving him stranded at Blonde’s. Said he felt responsible for me and always kept me posted, but I didn’t do the same for him.
I also did love that we looked good together. Or, rather, we both looked good. And so many people complimented me right in front of him.
- A waitress said, “You two are an amazing couple.”
- Cirque du Soleil ticket lady said, “You must be a model.”
- Random guy wanted to hug me, right in Patrick’s line of sight as I was walking towards the roulette table.
- An Asian lady who worked at the casino asked if I was over 21 and carded me.
- Random woman came over to the roulette table to tell me I looked stunning (I was right beside Patrick). She said, “You are probably 20, but when I was young, Sinead O’Connor was so popular.”
- A couple more people said they liked my hair.
- A blind-looking lady said she liked my style.
- A young lady in the elevator said, “I just have to say, you look super sexy.”
- When walking with Patrick, all the black girls were staring at me.
Like all the guys, he’ll realize one day that he did me wrong, and will probably try to contact me. I want to know that he is sorry, but I really don’t care to see him ever again. We are done.
Bec and Tommy want to come over to visit me. That’s kinda funny. I didn’t expect that! I told Bec to bring Chad hahaha. Chad was such a hottie and such a good dancer. And he was pretty sweet to me.
Though in all honesty, Matthew is the hottest guy in my mind right now. Chad might be hot, but being so young makes him less attractive. His face seems to lack something…maybe it’s too much baby fat on his face. There’s something about Matthew’s face that comes with age. He is still young-looking, but there is something that makes him look older and more attractive to me.
If Matthew is capable of love, I’d be with him.