I’ve been swallowed whole by my sadness.
Noveween 2023 – people had fun but, noise complaint and had to turn music off and keep quiet all night.
I would say, 25% of why I hosted this party was to see Sid. It backfired. He didn’t come and didn’t tell me. Not only did I not get to see him, I will now swear off of him.
I didn’t think it was a test, but he failed completely.
It left me feeling really sad. Utterly sad.
I’m destroyed pretty much. I have not liked anyone in such a long time. Shuto was a bust. Brian was a bust. And now Sid…one with most potential…. is a bust. Not to mention getting ghosted about 90% of the time on Bumble after a couple of messages. Each person has been as awful as can be.
Suraj is sweet. But I don’t have butterflies for him. Sigh.
For the past week, I’ve been drowning in my sorrows. My sleep is fucked (update: just realized it’s mainly because I’ve been drinking cocao and it’s full of magnesium, even more than sunflower seeds!) My eating habit is fucked (just eating a bunch of leftover chips from the party). I have had no motivation to work. And I just want to burst out crying and fully give up on finding someone.
People who have found someone…their lives don’t seem that great either anyway.
Cyndi has been my BFF and I’d leave her voice messages lamenting about my sorrows. I’ve come to realize that she is useless though. She is a kind and genuine person with a great sense of humour….but she is really lacking in the ability/insight to encourage and support me. She is the punching bag in relationships (including friendship). She is not a role model at all.
I wish I had a wiser BFF.
Today I dreamt about 2 birds coming near my bedroom. I reached out my hands to signal them to come in, and they did. Awwww.
They were beautiful. Green, orange, and yellow. I googled the name of the bird after, and turned out they were love birds!
They landed on my fingers. A bug flew by and I tried to get them to eat it. One kind of missed it so I had to catch the bug to feed to it, and it worked.
It felt quite vivid. I woke up and felt pretty thrilled about this dream.
I googled what it meant. Well, positive things. Hopefully it means I’m gonna find love soon <3
I had to really pull a brain twister to “balance myself out” when thinking about how Sid has been behaving.
He didn’t say anything and didn’t show. On Monday, 2 days after the party, I called out each of the 5 people who didn’t show, and said in the Noveween group that they should’ve tried to show and if not, at least let the host know.
Sid immediately dm’d me an apology. Still, his excuse was “unplanned emergency”. How unplanned was it that he can’t say something 2 days after?
On Wednesday, I went to a cold plunge. A week prior, Sid said, “For sure I’m coming to cold plunge next week”. Well, he didn’t show and didn’t say a word.
I was shattered. How little can someone care? Well, he showed it.
I slept so much the past 2 days. I was drained from ruminating about this and feeling hurt.
Finally, today I feel a bit more normal. I’m more able to see that his bad behaviour is not necessary a reflection of how he feels about me. And certainly not a reflection of me.
It’s natural to think that, “If you care then you would have done this and wouldn’t have done that”. Well, the truth is, people do all sorts of things that don’t make sense.
For example, that girl who encouraged her crush to ask another girl out and offered her place for the two of them to stay. She had to listen to them have sex while she cry herself to sleep at night. Made no sense.
Alex obviously felt something strong towards me, and his behaviour was to ghost me. Made no sense.
I try to imagine that Sid has a mental illness such as bi-polarism. Or that he his real reason for not able to come was embarrassing so he can’t really tell me (mental illness, physical illness, something traumatic or situational). Who knows.
The point is, don’t take it personally. He did his best, which was apologizing after I called him out.
Also, I need to remember, there is absolutely attraction between us. THAT is undeniable. We both felt it, I know. There might be other things clouding the attraction, but deep down I know we had something.
I didn’t want to test him and have him fail miserably….but at least now I know for sure that he is not the one for me.
I definitely want a mentally healthy, reliable, funny, happy, and caring person in my life.
Honestly Suraj is the best so far. But he is fat. And he is not playful in a way that gives me butterfly, or funny in a way that makes me laugh super hard.
I’ll keep looking or die trying lol.