My Site

I want to be as completely honest as possible.

Let’s get to the bottom of this so I have no conflicting vision!

I want romantic love. I want to make passionate love. That’s what I always want. That’s the ultimate goal in life for me…to find someone to love and be loved, and to make passionate love with him often. To laugh together always. To travel the world and experience new things together. That’s my paradise.

I have only experienced relationships that are not fun. I get mad often and they are people I don’t respect. I guess everyone has areas that are not “respectable”. Not everyone is respectable in every way. Everyone is respectable in some ways.

Honestly, I see some relationships, and I look at my own previous relationships, I see a lot of pain and compromise. I don’t know if it’s worth it.

Yes I want the love and laugh and sex…but are they worth the pain and compromise and suffering? In my heart I know there’s gonna be fights, there’s gonna be some bad parts. Without a partner, I might be lonely sometimes, but life is so much simpler.

Mom would rather be single. Dad would rather be single.

I see how people age…their beauty, health, and vitality going downhill…what are the chances of two people aging on the same page and gracefully?

It’s like the same way I think about having kids… I’m now applying that to having a partner.

Except, I do want love.

I think I have an exceptionally amazing life. It’s hard for a guy to compete with my single life lol.

And the one guy I like…Sid… For whatever reason he is not in a rush to get to know me. That makes me feel sad and insecure…I shouldn’t take it personally… But I do. I can’t help but wonder, what if I were younger? What was it that I lack that made me not good enough for him to make an effort?

Sigh. I need to work on that.

There are days I’m more confident and positive than right now tho.

Today I just feel more down maybe cuz of my cycle.

But let’s get raw.

So few people meet my standards, when one person does, it’s a once in a lifetime occurrence. So I get really impacted.

How can I live happily ever after?

What’s within my control?

We all get older. I want to age beautifully. There are many role models. There are also plastic surgery options. There are people who age beautifully. So it’s it’s all good. Just there are fewer of them. So choose them or choose younger boys lol. Remember, if you had married someone in your twenties, chances are they are now old looking with a plethora of illnesses and unattractive qualities. It’s ok to place your bet later on in life lol.

If you had met the one early on, you would not have had the fun sex experiences! And you would’ve had doubts and questions. For someone as curious as you, it’s better that you got to experience these fun flavors! God has a plan for me, and it’s a good one. I’ll trust in God.

Sometimes it cannot be explained why I do or don’t do something. Same goes for other people. We are complex machines with many subconscious thoughts that are affected by memories, genetics, hormones, the weather, timing, phase in life, people around us, smells and sounds and sights and touches and tastes that we experience. There are other forces at play too, such as the dimension above, the higher self, destiny, past lives, karma, and factors I can’t name.

So no, don’t take anything personally.

Super wise words.

I know I have lived a charmed life. Luckier than most people in the entire world, lots of amazing experiences, lots of love and laughs, lots of amazing sexual moments. I know that no one has it all, and I know that even those who are happily married can be / have been envious of my life.

So I think I’ll try my best to be connected to as many quality people I can. And then, we’ll see if I meet anyone worth being partnered up with.

No need to overthink if I do want a relationship. Get out there and be exposed to all kinds of wonderful human beings, be clear about the fact that you want a funny, playful, compassionate guy who has his sh*t together!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn’t get enough sleep cuz I ate too late and went to bed too late. And it was pouring! But I arrived at 7:30am this morning at Kits Beach, along with around 150 others,  and we cold plunged!

It was amazing. We submerged for 2 minutes instead of 3 today. Maybe because it was too cold/wet.

While we did breathwork after, someone beside me playfully asked me, “Is this a cult?” I said, “YES.” I wanted to say something clever, like, “They hand out uniforms next week.”

Raymond and Sacha came too.

I felt pretty productive the rest of the day. But quite cold.

---

Met with Mark for lunch at Hokaku Tendon. It was quite yummy. Hadn’t seen Mark in a while. It felt too short!

On the way home, treated myself to some peanut butter bubble waffle. So lucky!

Yesterday I didn’t want to eat too much gluten, went to Wholefoods and treated myself to a gf pumpkin pie, ginger cookies, organic vanilla ice cream, and got some unpasteurized honey too! Oh and gf cinnamon bread. Felt very lucky yesterday too, to drop $65 on these snacks without blinking.

I’ve been watching Bling Empire. These “Slaysians” have so much. They’d get a private jet and fly somewhere to shop for clothes. They’d buy diamonds for each other.

Seeing their lifestyle really puts things into perspective. I don’t envy them one bit. They are all so materialistic and they have such a small circle of friends and they are so immature.

One interesting thing though is that, when you are rich, age doesn’t matter. They all hang out together, from 19 to 60. Partly because they have such a small circle of friends to begin with, partly because money defies age.

---

43. Everyday I wish I was younger.

I didn’t fully expect to hear from Sid, but I was certainly hoping, because I told him I had messaged him and asked him to check.

By now I know he is not gonna message me. I try to not fall into the gap mindset.

If I was to be positive about this, what would I be thinking?

1. I know for sure we were both giddy for each other when we saw each other in the street.
2. I’m 1000% confident that we have chemistry and attraction for each other.
3. Because of this certainly, I feel quite calm about us. I feel that if we are meant to be, he will eventually realize how special I am and how special we are, and pursue me.
4. Until he realizes this, I ain’t gonna go around chasing him. I don’t chase. I attract. Hahaha
5. I’m also probably fine being friends first, and observe who he is. Because, some things don’t add up. For someone so funny, outgoing, cute, and charismatic – why is he not chin deep in girls that he can date? Why is he resorting to apps? Maybe he is urgently seeking a rebound. Maybe he has a fatal flaw. For example, Alex seems amazing – successful, fun, cute. But he is also an alcoholic, an avoidant, and a vengeful person.
6. I’m grateful that he has shown me the kind of belly laugh I need and want from a partner. It doesn’t have to be him, but this dynamic has to be between me and my next boyfriend. He’s raised the bar, or rather, brought some clarity to me.
7. I’m grateful that he’s elevated my mood
8. I’m grateful that he’s helped me get over Brian, who is actually quite toxic to me. Especially right before dinner! I was in such a good mood that I’m sure Brian was secretly more drawn to me. With some resentment probably cuz that’s how toxic he is lol.
9. I’m grateful that someone so rare has come into my life. Sam and Mike were this funny. But Sam has a microdick and is mentally a mess. Mike is very cold and introverted. At the moment Sid seems almost perfect. But, let’s not be too delulu. There’s probably something wrong with him lol
10. I have no idea why he hasn’t messaged me yet. There are many guesses as to why he hasn’t, but I don’t know the real answer, so I’m not going to make (negative) assumptions. People can take the same action for many different reasons. All I know is that when the time is right, I’ll meet my person. My soulmate.
11. I’m grateful for the motivation to work on my mood, energy, charm, and physique. I want to elevate! I think the gain mindset will make me a much more attractive person, and a healthier person to be around and be in a relationship with. And I

---

So Suraj asked if I wanted to go grab a bite. I said sure! He picked me up, paid for the meal, dressed up nice, and asked me why I’m not dating anyone…complimented me, kissed me on the cheek at the end of the evening. Ah, so it was a date.

Suraj is a great guy, and we get along so well together. We laugh too (but not the same belly laugh I have with Sid).

I learned that he is basically a software developer, team lead, and does client calls too. Impressive! He also has some AI ideas for a startup. I figure he is in his early to mid 30s. He lives in Yaletown and drives a Mercedes. His family is all doctors and engineers. These are all very attractive qualities!

And he is very tall and very good looking really (Taller than Sid and just as good looking). Just a bit chubby. And the way he moves in Spikeball is not sexy like Sid.

The main main thing though, is sense of humour. He is fun, but our humour doesn’t quite line up.  If he was as funny as Sid..hmm….I might still complain about the chubbiness. But physique is more solvable.

Sid doesn’t have a car. Is probably in his late 20s. Lives in the West End so it’s further. And it’s small (can only fit 10 ppl). Prioritizes on the girl’s looks it seems. Works in finance instead of tech. No biceps.

In many ways, Suraj is a better match and a better catch!

But, Sid is the one.

I wish I was 10, 20 years younger. I wish I had hair. But, I gotta own my narrative. I gotta embrace my age, my alopecia – they make me the wise and compassionate person I am today.

I have more clarity now. Sid’s personality and sense of humour are what I want. This trumps being an entrepreneur. I just don’t know if he is also thoughtful, deep, kind, and compassionate. But right now, aside from not messaging me, his personality is perfect.

Cyndi came to visit!

Day 1: Dinner at Sushi Mugen with Tina and Cyn

Day 2: Kits Beach with Cyn, Tina, Amy, Jess, Steve Willows, Wes, Corinna. Had CM chicken with Steve.

Day 3: Walked in Kits for 5 minutes with Cyn, Amy, and Steve

Steve was into me. I’m not into him at all. This guy is full of trauma and red flags. Also, he is ugly IMO. I used to find him funny, and now I find him less so.

Amy was acting like we had no beef. I haven’t forgiven her for saying that I have less rights because I wasn’t vaxed.

Tina was nice. She wants a part time job with me. I don’t think I have the capacity for that.

Wes didn’t age badly for 46 yo. His teeth seemed worse than I remembered.

Glad Cyndi came. It’s been a year since we last saw each other! She is so tiny now! Last year she was a bit chubby.

Don’t love hanging out with her friends, but once in a while ok I guess.

 

 

Went to Brian’s Intuitives dinner last night. I wasn’t gonna go because it seemed like only a bunch of girls were going, and Masha was in the group. But then, Kenneth is going, and Masha is away. Also, Ronnie intro’d me to Karly and she didn’t know anyone, so I invited her. Then, surprisingly, Kean also wanted to come. Suddenly the dinner is star-studded haha

Put on my cute white overalls, mint green tight top, new wig, and the white bunny coat Cyndi gave me, I started walking to Joey on Burrard.

Sid was on my mind. I thought about how he’s never seen me dressed up and in makeup. Then just as I was thinking that as I was about to cross the street…I saw this guy walking towards me…kinda cute…wait….is that Sid??!!

He recognized me too, and we hugged. He picked me up, so I laughed and wrapped my legs around him like a koala. It was as sexy as a hug can be haha. And it was a long hug. It was the kind of hug I used to give Matthew when I saw him….plus a bit of a run towards him and a jump onto him. Wilson would pick me up too, but I never wrapped my legs around him. Ty did that once too, and I didn’t wrap my legs around him.

I definitely was wet for him. And I think we were both giddy.

He said he was on his way to a Joji DJ’s concert cuz his friend had a free VIP ticket for him. I asked with the VIP tix if he’ll get to make out with the DJ, he said he is an older guy so no, and that he’d make out with an older woman. Not sure if he was implying me. I said, what if the DJ insists? He then bent over and said he’d let him. I said maybe that’s why his friend invited him….”Take him not me! You can have him!” We laughed so hard.

Then he apologized for not coming back to Spikeball on Wednesday. He said he was trying to get out of a date because she looked nothing like the photos. Well…. my heart sank a bit. If I like someone, I wouldn’t be going on dates with other people. So it made me feel that he wasn’t that into me. But then, Ryan Renolds and Blake Lively were just friends and even went on double dates until one day they started dating.

He said I look great and asked if I was going on a date. I shook my head and he changed the subject quickly.

Can’t remember the lead up, but I asked, “Wait, you’re white?” He then started doing a heavy East Indian accent, even with the head roll. It was HILARIOUS. He was even funnier than I thought.

Somehow we talked about his friends calling him a coconut for being so white on the inside. He said he’s lived in the US (California?) for a long time. Interesting! The more I know about him the more I like him.

As we were parting ways, he said he’ll see me at the Halloween party. I said, I don’t think I’ll go to that one. He said he might invite people to his house, but his place can only hold 10 people, so he usually has 3 parties.

We were talking for a while and both of us had to rush off. I poked him and said “I messaged you, check!” He said, “Wait what? When?!” I was running off so I just put my hands in the air, “I dunno!”

I think I just need to be chill and not force it with Sid. We can be flirty friends for now.

With Brian, I was so into him, but now knowing what I know about him, I would not get into a relationship with him.

---

I ran / walked towards Joey’s. I was 5 minutes late and Brian had messaged again about the correct Joey. Karly had already arrived and was sitting inside. Brian and another girl Kate were standing outside. Most ppl were late.

Kate – dried fruits from Vietnam

Roya – works at WeWork at stationsquare, side hustle is a stylist (jewelry shoot for Mejuri, etc)

Kean – graduated from biz at UVic. Started in 2003, so he is about 4, 5 years younger than me. Worked at Used Vancouver, which turned into Used Everywhere. Got laid off. Went to Macchu Picchu. Decided to have location freedom / free lifestyle. Started a google ads buying agency. Tested optimal ways to get conversion with google ads. First client was former employer (Used Everywhere I guess) and they couldn’t afford his retainer, so he charged them a % of the growth. Grew 10% for them on first month, then ended up making so much money growing them. He was basically a growth hacker. ENTP/J!

Karly – Used to live in California. Came here met someone (who also used to work for Minikatana?) Was COO of Minikatana (did $10MM last year). No longer married, has 3 yo boy. Lives in Whiterock. Former partner had a biz called the PPS – perfect pussy system lol. (Kean said, not the perfect marriage system….the acronym would suck anyway lol). Has been “funemployed”. Didn’t go out during covid, just worked hard. Recently – divorced, quite her job, sold her company (not sure what that was). INTJ! She recently joined a biz group called Baby Bath Water….$12K USD annual, plus $6K per event. Holy shit. I said we’ll consolidate a list of men we find in this group and Hampon. Kean can help by contributing a list of men from EO haaha

Kenneth – INFJ! Selling motorcycles these days. Added hand mask to his chapstick line. Moisturize the skin line of products. Suggested that I create a new ring that’s $150 instead of $40.

Maria – Phd in biotech, discovered a molecule with her prof that can treat prostate cancer, and they are doing a startup for it. But she wants to learn elsewhere first. She applied to work at McKinsey, so she can get paid well while learning.

Karly kept saying thank you for inviting her to the dinner. She really like me and my energy! I like her too!

Having a crush on Sid means not having a crush on Brian anymore, and that was liberating! He can chat with any girl he wants. I was not jealous.

Brian was wearing the ring I gave him. (I don’t think he was on Wednesday dinner with Ronnie). He was showing it off to Karly, which was cute.

As we parted ways, Kean was going to Hanna’s so we walked together. He is pretty funny, so we had fun. We joked about Flowrider skin rejuvanation, etc. I feel like he was attracted to me…just from his interest towards me, his eye contact, etc. He is sincere and easy to talk to. He is a good guy and Hanna is lucky to have him (and be attracted to him). He walked me to my building, which was right beside Hanna’s.

---

I think Sid is either an ENFP or ENFJ – my ideal match. He is probably flirty with many girls though.

I want him so much.

I’m trying to apply the Gain mindset, and my manifesting ability, to maximize our chance of being together, happily ever after.

He is rare and I want him.

Who would’ve thought that one day at 43 I’d have a crush on an East Indian boy, probably in his late 20s or early 30s lol

Sid came to spikeball a couple months ago. Spikeball was all Asians and Indians and I didn’t really notice him at first.

But then the way he served was so unique, and kinda sexy, I suddenly noticed him! I was like, hold on, this guy is potentially cute!

He didn’t seem interested. When he was leaving he did come over to give me a hug though. Then, didn’t see him for a while.

Then, just recently, he showed up again, at a Sunset beach spikeball I organized. About 10, 12 people came. He said he’d be there, but I didn’t even recognize his name. When he came, I didn’t recognize him either. I thought, “Oh this guy is potentially cute, a lil bit.”

Then he started playing…and I saw the way he served….then I realized that he was that guy! I resumed my attraction towards him and would check him out once in a while.

Again he showed no sign of being interested in me. Though he made a software developer joke and it made me laugh so hard.

That was the day I ruined my socks at the Sunset beach because the sand was so rough! It was pretty funny when I discovered the giant holes in my socks….like my socks were 80% gone.

---

The next day, we played at Kits beach. Sid came again!

Nicole was there that day too, and that made me laugh extra hard.

Sid and I played the last game together. He has improved quite a bit. He is about the same level as me, sometimes better even! (I’m better sometimes!)

Then as everyone was leaving, he was biking home to the West End, and I was e-scootering home. I thought he’s just bike home, but he wanted to ride together, so we chatted. I couldn’t be more nonchalant when he suggested that we ride together. I don’t know why. But then when we started talking, I talked so much cuz I was nervous. I felt like I should’ve asked him some questions instead of just talking so much.

That night, I felt excited about someone for the first time in a long time. The clue was slight but I felt that the interest was mutual.

I even took a photo of BC Place when I got home and message him. But he never replied…. (I still don’t know what’s the deal with that…)

---

So Wednesday I played at the Sunset beach meetup playing on grass (I don’t think he came to that one), Thursday he came to the Sunset beach one I organized (playing on sand), Friday he came again to the Kits beach one even though it’s further away for him.

Saturday I practiced vollyball again the wall for like half an hour, and later that day, my back was starting to hurt like the spasm I had in the summer.

So I didn’t play for the next few days. Shane wanted to play on Tuesday, and Sid said he’d come, but it was rainy. Don’t they check the weather forecast??

Then on Saturday, I organized another one, at the Jonathan Rogers park. Very last minute, Sid said he’d come. I was a little excited. Spikeball is fun regardless, but, I liked him! I put a little bit more effort by putting on glitter sunscreen lol. I also wore pink.

Suraj gave me a ride. We laughed all the way to the park. We have fun. I have a feeling he is interested, but I’m not. I hope we can become very good friends though!

Then, someone said hi. I turned around and it was Sid! I smiled a big smile and opened my arms to give him a hug. The way he hugged me…oh my….I felt something. It felt like he put some feels into the hug. This was not a normal hug, not even like the one he gave me that first time…It was like he was enjoying the most of it….and I felt relaxed in his arms….and turned on.

He was a good height. Maybe 5’10? I thought he had a tiny belly, but when he hugged me his body felt pretty rock hard.

The rest of the day was a just super fun. He was playful! He’d tease me sometimes and I’d pretend to punch him. One time I think I punched him too hard and I had to apologize lol. Overall I was just so naturally touchy with him… I tried to not be too obvious about it, but I can’t help it.

He had this hops and ashwaganda sparkling drink and asked if anyone wanted to try it. He was standing right next to me so I think it was more like he was asking if I wanted to try it, and to be able to talk about how he got it at Tough Mudder.

Then he spent some time talking to everyone about Tough Mudder to try to gauge interest. Gosh I’d love to go….but first I have to explain my alopecia…

Towards the end of the day, Amy wanted to take a photo. I’m so glad she suggested that because now I have photos of me and Sid. I put my arms around him and Darren. But somehow we squeezed in more and he was in front of me and Darren was behind me. I basically draped myself over Sid in the pics, but we both looked pretty cute. Actually everyone looked really fun and happy.

When he showed us photos, I’d stand super close to him, my body touching his. I’m not normally like this lol.

At some point he stood really close to me too. It was like gravity.

At the same time, I felt that he was trying to seem like he wasn’t too into me. He’d seem interested in Amy and ask her questions, or he’d be paying compliments to Suraj, or he’d chat with others and almost try to not play with me. It’s hard to explain what that was about… I can feel his interest in me, but he is trying to not make it too obvious…maybe he is checking if I’m interested and if the other guys might hate him if he is too close to me.

I suppose if he was too obviously interested, it can come across as douchey or desperate?

I think he is skilled at attracting girls. You can’t be moving like that and hugging like that without some skills and experience. I bet he is good in bed too! I think he knows how to show just enough interest to leave the girl wanting more.

Oh and for some reason we got talking about our celebrity crush. I didn’t feel like saying anyone in particular, so I said I like abs. I probably should’ve said Chanin Tatum when he was in Step Up. Sid named some Cuban woman…she looked good but kinda boring. Suraj said Blake Lively because of her personality haha. I should say something like that next time. Chanin Tatum because he is funny.

Overall it was so much fun…I only wish he’d hug me again when we parted ways…but he was getting a ride from Darren and I was getting a ride from Suraj, and they just started walking away and said goodbye from far away…that was a bit weird.

When I got home he wrote in the group whatsapp how fun it was though. I posted 2 videos of the game (he was in them) and he hearted them.

---

There are so many things I love about Sid. I know no one is perfect, but….I’m grateful that in this moment, he is perfect, and he helps me get over Brian, and helps me feel excited about someone (about life) again! I’m savouring this moment, where he is still perfect, and he seems interested, and we are having fun, and I’m having a healthy crush on him.

I love that he is just the right amount of talkativeness and extroversion. He loves the idea of a community. He is playful! And funny! That’s soooo rare especially for a cute guy! He moves in a sexy way. He has nice body proportions, perfect height, beautiful light coloured eyes, cute smile, cute head shape, cute hair. I love how he wears his hat backwards…it just looks so cute on him.

I want him.

I’ve tried to imagine travelling around the world and going on flowriders with various guys I’ve been with – no one would fit. He fits. He seems like someone I can be with both solo and in a group.

---

Update:

Yesterday was the last day of Spikeball (Oct 11) before winter began. I like that I like spikeball enough that even if Sid wasn’t there it’s still super fun. But of course, I was hoping he’d show.

He wasn’t there, but while I was having fun playing, someone came over to say hi. I turned around and it was him! Omg! I gave him a big hug so quickly and enthusiastically like I hadn’t seen him in ages. I wonder if it was obvious to him and everyone else that I was into him haha

He hugged me back equally enthusiastically, and said he’ll be back. But then he never came back :'( Not sure what happened.

Thankfully I’m still quite healthily obsessed with him and I’m not too sad. A little bit though. I wish he had replied to my Whatsapp messages to him. We could’ve been talking a bunch by now! That’s another weird thing about him…how can he have missed my messages! But that’s ok. The Universe will decide I guess.

After it occurred to me that maybe he is around 15 years younger than me…I just felt that if I pursued him and we dated long term, it might not be fair to him. He seems too mentally healthy to hook up with someone 15 years older and doesn’t want kids. That’s a weird thought, isn’t it? Like I’m not giving myself credit for my worth.

I’m unusual! I’m timeless! I’m ageless! I’m energetically young – younger than most people who are chronologically younger than me. Except I’m also wise because I’m chronologically older. I’m smart, funny. We have common interests. We are possibly a great personality match. We have fun together. That should be enough. And if it wasn’t, it wouldn’t last and he can pursue a normal, average, boring person who wants kids and a mundane life lol.

Regardless of age….I’m only going to show interest, not going to chase him. He has to come to the conclusion that I’m amazing and worth chasing.

If only he was more consistent like Suraj. I think after I said to Suraj that it’s more fun when he’s at Spikeball, he reciprocated and more. He seems to either think of me as a closer friend now, or, he has developed a crush on me. I hope we stay great friends. It’s so much easier with him living close by and having money. We are talking about going to Vegas together to visit the Sphere! If only it was a trip with Sid. That would just be epic.

I think Nick, Pranav also have a crush on me. Ah well. I just want Sid.

 

 

I was in the shower and suddenly cried about John not being the one for me.

I guess deep down I really wish he was.

He is an ISTJ. Basically the opposite of what I want.

What I really want is an ENFJ I think. Like a more responsible ENFP.

---

I want a best friend who loves me, adores me, cheers me on, makes me laugh, laughs at my jokes, respects me so much, admires me, stimulates my thinking, gets stimulated by my ideas, is there for me, protects me and takes care of me in a thoughtful loving way, is willing to sacrifice for me, is generous with me, is super fun to be with, is super easy to be with, is interested in me.

We also have frequent and passionate sex, lasting for hours each time. He has a great stamina. He is super sexy. He desires and enjoys my body so much and I desire and enjoy his just as much. He is loving and sweet in bed.

He is loyal, ambitious, successful, good natured, good integrity, healthy outlook of life, great communicator, healthy attachment style, growth mindset.

We can have deep conversations.

Doesn’t want kids.

At least 5’8″. Good body proportions.

Has a youthful appearance, 38 to 45 years old

Has a great face shape like John or Keanu or Chanin.

Is fit and lean muscular.

Smiles and laughs.

Has that good sexual energy towards me. Me only.

Open to try new activities, enjoys (spontaneous) travels.

Knows how to enjoy life, make meaningful connections.

Has good friends.

 

 

I’m having lots of fun everyday!

I have a boyfriend that adores me, loves me, makes me laugh, and really treats me well. I adore him, love him, make him laugh, and treat him well too.

We have so much fun together, we laugh all the time together, we make each other better, we make each other’s life better.

We have so much respect for each other. We are happy and deeply in love.

We love each other’s appearances. We think so highly of each other.

We are both entrepreneurs. We are both financially free, and have the flexibility to travel. We travel to Mexico this winter, visiting the most exotic and beautiful locations in Mexico!

Next year we plan to both have more location-free time to travel abroad longer terms. We plan to go to Bali, Thailand, to visit other entrepreneurs and to enjoy each location.

Finally, I’ve found my person. Finally, someone I fully love, trust, and have fun with. My soulmate.

We almost never fight. We have an abundance of exhilarating sex. We have so much love and care for each other. We just enjoy each other’s company so much!

Finally, I get to travel around the world with the person I have so much fun with. We also take Mom and her friends along sometimes. My boyfriend is amazing at hosting and socializing.

 

 

Weather forecast had predicted 10 days of rain, but turned out it was just 3 days or so of cloudy drizzle, followed by sunshine for many days! 🙂

It felt like everyday was a bonus day. Another day to live! haha

Spikeball has been the funnest lately.

Volleyball has less action, and ever since Matin took over the group, the OG core members don’t go anymore. It’s just not as fun.

So we played spikeball on sand at Sunset beach on Thursday, where my socks were worn down to 80% holes lol. Then we played again on Friday at Kits beach, where we laughed even more.

Then Saturday, I was so tired. Nicole too. We figured it was from laughing too hard hahaha

Today, I felt sad. Maybe all the dopamine has been used up too quickly?

Or maybe it’s because of Sid or Brian.

Or maybe I have an issue. A psychological one.

On both Thursday and Friday, Sid came out. I didn’t recognize him, but then I saw the way he served, and remembered him! Since Shuto, he was the first person I felt a little something for at spikeball. He is East Indian. He looks like a normal guy….slightly cuter than average.  Wears his hat backwards, has light coloured eyes. What really made me feel something towards him was the way he served. He’d look really focused, and that turned me on. Guess I was desperate haha. This was weeks ago…I remember when he left he did come over to say goodbye, but I didn’t feel like he liked me, so shrugged it off and forgot about him.

Then he came on Thursday, nothing much. I think he might have a slight belly, but was still the cutest one there. Then he came on Friday. He made a programmer joke and that really made me laugh. I’d check him out a little bit, but still didn’t feel much from him. Then when everyone was parting ways, he’d keep bumping into me as he hugged other people (totally on purpose), and when I was about to hug either him or another guy goodbye, he cut in-between and hugged me. I said, “Sandwich!”

Then, as people were leaving, he was biking home to the West End and I was e-scootering home. I thought he was just gonna take off, but he kept finding reasons to ride with me. So we rode side by side and chatted until we reached downtown. I talked a lot and didn’t ask many questions, cuz I was nervous.

When I got home, I felt a bit excited about him. I said “Fun day!” in the group chat, and he hearted it. Then I messaged him a photo of my view of the BC Place because there was a game and I told him about my view.

Then I masturbated twice before going to sleep, and again when I woke up. Finally someone that turned me on!

I started fantasizing the possibilities between us. But…it’s been over a day and he still hasn’t replied :/

I think he just hasn’t checked, but, that’s not a good sign.

He has an accent, has an Indian belly (pretty sure), isn’t muscular, probably a Thinker not a Feeler, probably not very romantic (He said he got dragged to a date to watch Barbie), single but probably pretty actively dating, and is probably in his early 30s.

On the good part, he is sexy, funny, likely smart, quite good at spikeball, and an extrovert. Probably has a decent job as a software developer or project manager.

I can see us going on a vacation to Mexico, surfing on a wave machine. He is the only person I can see doing that with right now. Someone who will probably enjoy it, and would be fun to be around.

But, pretty sure my age and alopecia ….one of those two, will be a deal breaker.

Haven’t been feeling confident. Been ghosted so many times on Hinge.

I’m watching Indian Matchmaking as of last night. It’s so nice to see people find love. Also they all age very poorly lol.

I feel like I’m at the end of my youth, and I have to try harder and harder to stay young, and it’s just gonna get worse. Older looking, less good health….for decades to come.

I wonder how long I’ll live. I should be grateful for everyday. But at the same time, I’m thinking, if life quality is no longer good, I’m gonna check out. Return to where I came from. Be one with the source, the big warm ball of energy full of love.

 

 

 

 

Traits such as kindness, intelligence, and a great sense of humor can fuel a crush. But you don’t have to date someone to continue enjoying these aspects of their personality.

Facts:

1. We are not that compatible.
2. We already fought 3 times
3. He has a temper and so do I
4. He doesn’t compliment me
5. He rarely laughs at my jokes
6. He doesn’t make me feel smart even though I know he thinks I’m smart.
7. He thinks he is the marketing guru, instead of respecting me or complimenting me on my ideas
8. He is quite cynical
9. He is not physically passionate
10. Being around him doesn’t give me happy feelings (like Alex did)
11. He is not caring to the extend that I need a boyfriend to be. e.g. he didn’t warn me about crossing the border. He wouldn’t “take care of me” in ways such as carrying my stuff, checking in on my feelings, making sure I have a chair, etc. Things that Ronnie would do. Maybe even Alex. I need more warmth.
12. He works too much
13. He wants kids
14. He doesn’t proactively chase me
15. He doesn’t want to hang out with me one on one.
16. He is too serious and not very playful
17. Flaked out on coming to my party
18. Flaked out on hanging out with me one on one

What I like about him:

1. Smart
2. Funny
3. Gives me free courses and advice
4. Sometimes flirty
5. Cute (such an acquired taste…but yeah I find him quite cute now)

What I kept going back to is how we looked at each other when the party had ended and I already hopped on the elevator and he was outside of the elevator, and we realized that we weren’t gonna hug goodbye.

Not sure if I’m just reading too much into it, but I felt that we were staring at each other for a long while, wishing that we could hug.

At least, that was how I felt…

The next day he didn’t ask me if I had fun. Last time I went to his party…the first time…he asked. But, when I thanked him this time, he replied with a kiss emoji.. who knows if he sends that to all the other girls…but I feel that he must not have.

He largely ignored me at the party. I was kind of hurt. But then I recalled how I squealed a tiny bit when I saw Stan. Brian was right there beside me. I had just met him a second prior, and I did not squeal when I saw him lol. That could’ve made him ignore me all night. I know I would’ve if he seemed more excited to see another girl. (And actually I did ignore him completely when he sat himself beside Selene at the Hawkthorne party, despite the fact that he paid for my dinner, and flirted with me before the party). The reality was I just didn’t expect to see Stan standing right there…yet I 100% came across as I liked Stan more than I liked Brian.

Gosh I miss Alex. I want someone like Alex, but is more mentally healthy. Not avoidant. Not ADHD.

I miss Alex’s warmth.

I realized today that maybe Alex is not ENFP, but rather, ESFP. That’s funny….the opposite of Brian, INTJ.