My Site – Page 70 – Just another WordPress site

Need to drink more water and document my workout

I woke up tired this morning. I dunno why. Workout from the day before? I’m starting to document my workout in a physical calendar in the hopes of seeing a pattern. I still like the quickness and clarity of a physical calendar.

I only drank 4 cups of water yesterday. Today? I dunno…less I think. I need to perhaps document that too.

Knot Theory optimization: What tasks are making money / saving me time?

There’s something wrong with the way I handle Knot Theory. I spend too much time on it. It’s time that I decide what is necessary and what is extra.

The past 2 months I have had to come to Vancouver 3 times. Granted once was for diving and twice was for my teeth, but still, I seem to spend way too much time on KT and none of that is making money.

1. I came here to get the embroidery machine.

2. I came here to get the fabric and to sew the knot

– fabric – didn’t have any in Vic. Elena has it.

– knots – no need to worry about it no more. Alice will sew some and when that is sold out, it’s done. I still have about 50 cufflinks though. Can make more knots.

– ties – tried to accommodate customers – ok for now since I still have the materials

– will list knot packs and the KT necktie with the knots

What tasks are making money / saving me time?

Digestion, aging, health

1. I seem to be able to eat wheat without getting acne much….recent two months

2. I get bloated when I eat rice…..recent month

3. I fart a lot. Sometimes when I laugh…..more so now in the past two years. Increasing..oh no.

4. Probiotics a must these days….recent 6 months

5. Can go to bed after drinking water. Before I can’t lie down if I just had water….recent month

6. Never seem to have a flat stomach….not sure if it’s fat or gas or just sagging organs….recent 2 months

7. I don’t usually get stuffed. Better appetite than my friends.

Adrenal Fatigue and lack of focus

I have two major health concerns:

1. I can’t seem to focus. I need to check my mail, check facebook, etc even after just a short term focus. I drove past Elena’s place yesterday. I forget where I put stuff.

2. I get tired after coming home from outside. I get tired at the end of the day and can’t do much thinking.

Solutions:

I want to try meditation and deep breathing:

Mind And Body

Intuition, help from above, talking to Norm again

Help from Above

I feel very fortunate to be back in Vancouver again. I need some time away from Mom so I can be productive. It’s healthier for me too. I feel that I’m being helped in this way and I appreciate that. If it wasn’t because I had two knot orders and that Mom has friends over until Jan 28, I wouldn’t have gotten this opportunity to be in Vancouver again for almost the whole month.

While that’s a good thing, I wish the ASM thing would progress smoother. The rings are still stalled. God please help me. I want these rings arrive at Amazon by end of this month!

Intuition

I feel that I have become more intuitive. I felt a car related omen the day before, and yesterday I got a speeding ticket. It seemed so unexpected…I was just going to the ferry, not hurrying. I thought about Interstellar, the scenes from it, and was singing “Stay” by Rhiana. I suddenly felt really sad about how hard space colonization is, and I bursted out crying. I cried and cried and I guess I sped up. When the cops pulled me over I had to wipe all the tears of my face. I didn’t complain or defend myself…I was just confused. Afterwards I was mad and I wondered why it happened. I thought about the bad feeling I had about driving the past couple of days. I decided that, I was lucky that this was it. It could’ve been worse.

A few months ago I had a strong desire to see Norm. That one took a while so I’m not sure if it counts. Eventually he contacted me. I was looking forward to meeting him and chatting. We chatted a lot. About sci-fi and such. Though I must admit he is not as fun to hang out with anymore. I have grown better, I think. He has grown more bitter than before. It’s depressing. I do want to help him get out of this depression that seems life-long.

Seeing Norm

Last time we saw each other was about two years ago. We broke up about 7 or 8 years ago. Even though I still regret sometimes over how long we dated, he was nice to me and good about my alopecia over these years. In a way my self confidence improved somewhat. During our relationship I was very short-tempered and sometimes insensitive. I feel that I should at least help boost his self-confidence this time around.

I asked him to consider focusing on becoming happier before he dates again. He dropped the conversation. We talked again when I told him that my mom wants to set him up with a girl. He agreed that I was right that him being pessimistic all the time is not a good strategy for avoiding letdowns. Still, I know he still wants to go on dates. It’s his life.

There was a time I can’t live without him. I felt that I can’t “not know him”. Now, I can still braindump on him and he’ll listen to me for hours, but I have changed. I find him so un-stimulating, narrow minded, and not all that smart anymore. A TED talk I watched recently said that it’s damaging to the brain to think negative thoughts a lot (also bad diet, smoking, chemical exposure, diabetes, etc). Seems true in his case.

I want to help him though. I want to ask him to develop a positive habit this month. For example, try to not say or imply anything negative about himself / the situation 🙂

Dad’s goals and wants

I called Dad yesterday. I rarely call him. I’m proud and glad that I did.

I sometimes enjoy talking to him, but I don’t like calling him. He doesn’t listen to me very well, so it’s frustrating and unrewarding often times. At the same time, we have so much more in common than Mom and I . When I talk to him about the future, technologies, he is interested. Mom is not at all.

He told me yesterday that he wants to go to Xin Jian and Ji An. He wants to take the train with me. I’ve already been to these places with Mom, but I bet it’ll be very different when I go with Dad. Most importantly that’s what he wants. I’ll do that with him.

I’ll make this one of my goals. I’ll be working hard to be able to shell out that time and money to go with him a year from now. When the weather is better, so, a year and 3 months from now. April 2016, around his birthday. He’ll be 71.

Sometimes I feel so sad that I didn’t find success sooner. I wish I could do this with him when he was younger. But there’s no point in feeling regret. I’m glad we are all fairly healthy right now. I’ll focus on making money and automating / delegating tasks.

I hope there’s a way to maintain and even improve his eyes.

I hope Dad can sell his land by then. He’ll be rich and feeling good about his life.

I hope Grandma is gone by then. I dunno what her purpose is on this Earth right now.

I hope we are all still very healthy by then. I hope Mom, Dad and I are happy.

I feel almost guilty for going to Thailand and spending money when he is still struggling. Though I don’t think he feels as miserable as I imagine him to be, given his situation.

When I’m finally making decent money (more than $80K USD per year), I’ll buy Mom and Dad things. For Dad, I’ll get him better eye treatment ($10K), travel with him once a year ($5K to 6K), get him a better computer ($1K). ($17K total)

I’ll travel with Mom too. I don’t know if she wants to travel to France / Italy and learn to cook ($20K). It can be fun. I’ll also help pay the down payment for a duplex that she wants. She wants me to live beside her. I think I’ll rent it out to AirBnB for most part of the year. ($50K) ($70K total)

Mom and Dad are both so old now. I fear that I may not have a lot of time to enjoy my life as a carefree person. I’m here to play. I hope my parents age well.

I really feel that the rings will help me get rich. I really believe in them. I will aim for $10K per month average the first 6 months, and, $50K per month the remaining 6 months. So that’s $360K revenue in 2015. If I can reach that, I’ll be so amazed and so proud of myself. I think the product has the potential. It’s just a matter of me marketing it well.

Tasks Accomplished Last Week Dec 29th ~ Jan 4th

I did a fair bit. Here are some thoughts:

I let eating take up a lot of time because that’s time I socialize with Mom. I’m glad that I’ll get to be in Burnaby next week. I should be more productive there.
I do have the habit of perfecting. Yesterday, the business card – I spent all day, about 12 hours creating it. I’m glad I got it done…I can’t imagine spending less time….unless I outsource it. Today, I spent all day creating the product listing headline. Just 1 product. I read lots of stuff and I wrote 30+ headlines. I dunno…maybe it’s ok since it’s my first time. I know it’s a problem I have. Over-thinking and over perfecting
I spend a lot of time on Facebook and getting distracted. I need to be more aware of this bad habit.

Dec 29th ~ Jan 4th

Other:

v Call Bank of America
Call Capitol One about currency conversion fees and foreign transaction fees.

http://www.capitalone.ca/credit-cards/costco/

Diary – Dad wants to travel in Xin Jiang, Xi An, by high speed train.
V Deposit my cheque and Aunt Jane’s cheque (Mom will take care of this one)

ASM – homework

Have Amazon listing ready 3h
v Buy UPC codes (bought 50)
v Get FNSKU codes
v Convert FNSKU to barcodes 1h
v Have business card artwork ready to go (5 kinds) 2h
Call Logistics+ to find out about shipping – need unit weight (next week)
v Request ring quote from Amazing Wristbands (I did, but need to reach to them again)

ASM – school work

Listen to more of the course (Module 4? Module 5?) 4h (Fri)
Get as much done as possible

Las Vegas Event

v Design business card 6h (Fri)
v Get quotes
v Order business card either from Print100 or from Jukebox

SEOD

vRSS Submit Regency (after: publish blog)
v Post their blog (not published yet)
v Post blog on G+ and Web2.0
v Set up forwarding from regencyrenos@gmail.com to tanya.huang.seo@gmail.com
v Citation Burst 3
v Improved page urls
Get one more blog post written
See if anything can be automated more
Research on what field (in Victoria, Vancouver) to get more clients in 2h
Listen to Rob’s course

v More blogging – Erica is on it
v post Erica’s blog post
v Let Erica know that she can pick up the other bow tie
v Let Erica know about the PayPal money already sent. We can meet to figure it out.
Get Patrick’s bow tie embroidered (Vancouver)
Prepare Erica’s necktie (Pack it for Vancouver trip) – also the additional pink knotted tie
Update colour options for Hustle collection (next week)
Research on bridal boutiques – how many in North America?
Put the menswear mailing list in mail chimp (the list I got from Elancer)

How to Stop Feeling Self Conscious

Summary:

Identify what you’re self-conscious about.

Being judged (by Mom) for being too this or that. Too stingy, spend too much; too 3-8, too…whatever. Things that she criticized me for in the past, or, more importantly, things she criticizes people about in general.

-> I’m trying to please Mom. Why? Because if she doesn’t like it she criticizes me to my face and I hate that feeling.

Getting judged / criticized to my face. I don’t like that feeling

-> I’m trying to please everyone. Why? To avoid getting judged / criticized.

My baldness – not so much now. But a little bit of unwillingness to draw attention to it if I don’t have to.

-> I’m trying to please guys. Women love that I’m bald. In part because it’s brave of me and is inspirational. Guys love that too actually. But I feel that some don’t and I want to maximize the number of guys I attract.

My small eyes – I know a lot of guys like my eyes, but big eyes are favoured by lots of people.

-> I’m trying to please guys again. I like it when my eyes look bigger too.

Has feeling self-conscious about my insecurities done me any good? Nope. It just limits me. And I have proved to myself many times that when I’m not self-conscious, people don’t judge. (I might even judge them if they judge!)

Also, what I feel insecure about, it’s mostly based on Mom’s opinions. She is often wrong. Guys have very different taste than her. North Americans have very different taste than her. I attract guys. So, I really shouldn’t let her opinions overshadow mine.

Confident people let these imperfections go. They are not troubled by such things.

Be a good friend to yourself. Don’t judge yourself. Don’t pick yourself apart. (Learn to treat others that way too.)

Acknowledge / “Own it” first. Accept that thing about yourself.

Challenge yourself.

Set goals and milestones. Share progress with friends. Celebrate when a milestone is met.

—-

Identify what you’re self-conscious about. A certain aspect of your appearance? The twitch in your eye? Your accent? Your disability (mental or physical)? Your intellectual abilities? Make a list of the triggers for you. Leave an empty column next to the list, so that after identifying your triggers, you can write actions you can take to minimize your self-conscious feelings in relation to each item.
Figure out who you’re trying to please, and why. What kind of expectations do you believe are making you so self-conscious?
- Do you feel this way in front of your crush or spouse?
- Is everyone around you picture-perfect, or are you comparing yourself to airbrushed models in magazines? Do you even know that those models areairbrushed?
- Have you convinced yourself that no one else has twitches, flaws, or trips?
- Are you in thrall to someone else’s criticism? In many cases, you might be entangled with toxic personality types, who make it harder for you to feel good about yourself.
- Ask yourself, “Has feeling self-conscious about my insecurities done me any good?”

Part 2 of 5: Reality Checking

Check your reality. Do you have a dream world in which you’re “perfect,” and a reality in which you perceive yourself as only “imperfect”? While fairy tales with pimple-free skin and just the right witty remark on your tongue at the needed moment are fun to watch in the movies, they’re stories and real people aren’t acne- or blemish-free all the time, or word perfect and secure on every occasion.
- Go online and see how many people muck up for real. In fact, the internet has made it much easier for you to find gaffes for every famous and apparently bullet-proof celebrity or leader (wardrobe malfunctions for singers, speechless city leaders, faux pas made by actors, “read my lips” broken promises from politicians, etc.). Pick some of your favorite “perfect” people and do some searching for gaffes! This isn’t about insulting or dragging them into the mud. It’s about realizing that everyone messes up, everyone trips up and everyone has really bad hair days.
Know what makes the difference between confident realities and self-conscious realities. Confident people let go of mistakes, imperfect complexions, funny habits and disabilities. They accept the matter, embrace it, and so embrace themselves, and look for the positive. They do not let external people make an issue of it or turn it into a weakness in order to control you. If you’re self-conscious, it’s highly probable that someone’s comment, dirty look or know-it-all tirade has gotten under your skin, festered and turned into something much bigger than was ever intended (?), haunting you endlessly.
- Confidence is a learned skill. It is not something people innately have; it may be nurtured more readily in some children as they grow and stomped on in other children but it is a skill each of us can learn and relearn at will. And you don’t need to learn it alone––plenty of good courses exist to help you, or perhaps you’re a lucky one that can count on, on a supportive gang or clique.

Part 3 of 5: Managing Your Reactions

Consider whether you’d judge others so harshly. Stop for a second and turn that self-criticism outwards. No one is perfect, and you’ve never noticed their little quirks before, so why would they pay so much attention to yours? If you wouldn’t think or say such things about a best friend, why do you think or say them about yourself? Try to be a good friend to yourself, too. Some ways to be your own best friend include the following:
- Even if you don’t feel it at first, at least act like there’s no need to worry. In time, it’ll also feel that way too.
- Remember, it’s your choice to be happy or sad. It’s not the harsh words from someone that hurt us, it’s the response to those words which does. Your greatest strength lies in between stimuli and the response of it, so try to take control.
- Always picture yourself like you know you look and feel good in front of others, but don’t think about it too much because it will already be embedded.
- Catch yourself putting yourself down or comparing yourself to others. Don’t scold yourself; simply notice it and tell yourself it’s time to stop and find more constructive ways of thinking about yourself instead.
Own yourself. Accept the way you are, your personality, your mistakes, your looks, your humor, and foremost, yourself. If you have a vulgar sense of humor and you like it then who cares about some people who don’t. In other words, “be yourself” genuinely and then try to change if you truly want to. Take responsibility for your actions, mistakes and interests, basically all the good and bad things. For example, if you want to fix your anxiety problem then first of all “own it” and truly accept that you have an anxiety problem, and then try to fix it.
Redirect your attention. When you start to feel self-conscious, locate a target––it doesn’t matter what it is, it may be the bug crawling across the floor––and concentrate on it. What color is it? How many legs? Anything that turns the attention away from yourself will do the trick; distraction will bring you back to the present and your surroundings, taking you away from catastrophizing about you and how others see you.
Challenge yourself. It is an effective way to push yourself. When you feel that doing something will make you feel confident and excited, but can’t do it because of anxiety or self-consciousness, then at the same time, challenge yourself; for example, say to yourself “I dare you to put yourself in an awkward situation and make a fool of yourself” another example would be “Go to that girl/guy and talk to him/her, even if it doesn’t make any sense.” Remember, don’t curse or beat yourself even if you fail the challenge, in fact give yourself a reward for even trying.
Trigger. Use your self conscious thoughts and feelings as a trigger to do something stupid or scary instead of perceiving it as a cue to feel nervous and anxious. We feel self conscious because of the irrational insecurities and these insecurities make us feel jammed and uncomfortable. The trick is when this happens, immediately do something stupid or scary like dancing in front of people, doing push up right there etc. If you feel uncomfortable ask yourself ‘What do I value more? my inner peace or what people would think about me?’. You can also challenge yourself to do something scary.
Make fun of yourself. Yep, that’s right––not in a self-depreciating sort of way, but in a humble and witty way to acknowledge that you’re not perfect and you don’t care. After you drop a jar of peanut butter in front of someone you fancy and watch in horror as it shatters into pieces and splatters peanut butter chunks on the floor, burst out laughing at your inherent clumsiness, cracking a joke that you should be required to wear double-sided tape on your hands––and then apologize and help clean it up.
Just let it be, then let it go. Don’t care about the triggers for self-consciousness too much. If you feel self-consciousness arising within you, tell yourself that it will be okay. Note the feelings as if you’re observing them rather than experiencing them and let them wash over and through you without staying. Be like the famous people, leaders or friends you admire; those people who make a mistake but get up again and keep on going without carrying the burden of others’ expectations or criticisms with them.
- A word about criticism. Learn to discern between the useful, constructive things that caring people say and the hateful, destructive things that uncaring, jealous or simply spiteful people say. Learn from the former and let the latter simply drop; you don’t need haters in your life, so don’t take their meanness on board.

Part 4 of 5: Doing Some Beneficial Inner Work

Build your self confidence. Make an effort to gain a deeper understanding of your self-worth. Replace your worries about what other people think about you with a preoccupation over your own goals, achievements, and progress.
- To this end, write up your goals and milestones. This will help motivate you to work toward them.
- Tell people about your progress towards a goal. This helps to give you the motivation to keep going and it lets the people you care about continue supporting your efforts. Be circumspect––don’t share things with people who can detract from your progress––it someone is not supportive, then don’t put yourself in their way.
- Bear witness to your achievements. Celebrate when good things happen; go out to dinner, call a friend, go for a hike or buy yourself an online album. Recognize the good things with greater regularity than mulling over the misses.
Be truthful. Don’t exaggerate things and don’t depress yourself with lies, stick with the genuine truth. For example, if one day you wear a weird dress and people look you with crazy gazes and you think ‘Man every one hates it’ at the same time ask yourself “am I sure everyone hates it? is there not a single person who likes it?”
Work on changing the inner you. You have to realize that you are part of the whole existence, just like everyone else. This is a fact of life and nobody can take it away from you. It is your birthright. Understand that no one is better or more important than you.
- That said, you do owe it to yourself and others to be your best self. Always work on bringing forth the best in you and share that with others. It helps you, and it helps your community, to be the best you.
4

Accept that you are you, regardless of the external gaze. The feeling of “I am” is always constant. If you try to remember your childhood, and try to think about your “I”, the “I” was always the same irrespective of age or situations. The “I” does not depend on anything. It doesn’t grow big or small, only apparently you feel that it changes or that it depends on anything. So understand deeply that your existence does not depend on anything or anybody. Such thinking itself is a big boost to self-confidence.
- As Judy Garland once said: “Always be the first rate version of yourself, instead of a second rate version of someone else”. Try your best to live up to that.

Part 5 of 5: Doing Some External Work

1

See the pattern of thoughts which come in to your mind while you are sitting idle or working. If the thoughts are about what others are thinking about you, then beware. Don’t allow the mind to harp on these thoughts. The same thoughts repeated create a channel, and then you are forced to go through that channel when the opportunity arises.
2

If you become self-conscious while speaking to people, then immediately listen to what the other person is talking about. Focus on the words, and that will do the trick. Listening is a great ability and one can overcome being self-conscious by being a good listener in conversations.
Disengage from others’ judgmental or unmindful criticism of you. The moment you let someone judge who you are, is the moment you have lost your happiness to someone else. Don’t let other people tell you who you are. This is your life, not theirs. And while it is hard to stand up for what you believe in and to be your whole self, doing so is part of what defines your very best self.
- Surround yourself with people that make you happy. Being around negative people only drags you down. This may sound like a cliché but think about how you feel when you’re around positive people and how you feel when around negative people. It’s two opposite extremes and you know how you’d rather be feeling.

Tips

Whenever you think that someone is “better than you”, pull that self-criticism up and examine it. It is highly likely that you’re overrating an aspect of that person and downgrading something not-so-perfect about him or her.
If you’re a people-pleaser personality type, it can be hard to disengage from pleasing others to find your own voice without feeling a certain amount of self-consciousness. Don’t be hard on yourself as you seek to change this behavior; acknowledge that it will take time and you’ll fall back sometimes but keep working on letting the real you take center stage.
Tell yourself that you are positive, good at what you do and ready to make changes when needed. Repeat often for maximum effect.
Think of the work involved in some sorts of “perfection”. For example, you may think that X is the most beautiful woman you’ve ever met and that you’ll never look so beautiful but in thinking this, you’ve overlooked the fact that X spends four hours a day to look that way while you’d hate that sort of intensity and your friends love you for your natural approach to beauty and life. Don’t put yourself down by comparing yourself to artificial people.
People are as worried about how they come across as you are. The difference for the more confident (and also for the confidence-undermining) is that they don’t dwell on this or let it affect their external relations. They have to do as much internal work as the next person to work through life’s big questions, so don’t think such people have it easy.
For mean-spirited criticism, keep some stock-standard responses in your head for maneuvering out of the situation without letting yourself down or causing the other person pain. That way, you won’t be put on the spot or left gasping for a witticism that won’t come during your shock at their audacity. Think as kindly as you can and say something simple like: “I am surprised you feel the need to say that. It’s not okay with me to be spoken to that way.”; or, “I need you to know that’s not okay with me to be criticized so harshly. I did my best and I do not accept your interpretation.” And so forth…
Read some self-help books; ask your favourite teacher about this subject, do a Google search, go to your local library and eventually to a bookshop if you’re that earnest.

Warnings

Stop looking for the approval of others. If you live your whole life dependent on others for validation, you will never rid yourself of self consciousness.
Sometimes people may try to bully you if they sense you are vulnerable in some way (that’s how a bully operates–-find a weakness and burrow in). In such a case, walk away or simply refuse to engage. Never waste time trying to impress them or defending their projection of their own insecurities and anger onto you.
Don’t always be on the defensive. Be willing to admit when you have done something wrong because it really isn’t the end of the world. Everyone makes mistakes. Go ahead and apologize. Then move on.
You are your worst critic. Stop judging yourself, and the world won’t judge you.

This year and a summary of 2009 to 2014

Oh it’s the first day of the new year!! I’m so excited!!

This year I will make very measurable and very big advances in life. This is going to be the biggest year yet.

2009 I quit my job in April. Decided to start Knot Theory. Met Aaron, Alice, Joey, and the branding company. This year I had my first branding experience.

2010 In Feb I did my first photoshoot – the Duello. In March I turned 30 and launched Knot Theory. Had a good party with a keg and about 25 friends. Had sex on Jason’s couch with someone I later found very unattractive. In June I met Cyndi! I founded the Alopecia support group in August. In November I went to Cyndi’s Noveween as Lady Gaga in a meat dress.

2011 is a year of getting lots of exposure for Knot Theory locally. West Ender, Breakfast TV, Homorrazzi shoot, Men’s Fashion Week, selling in MASC. Had my first Kickstarter which went fine with the help of all the supportive friends. I met Summer, Ross, Anna and Wilson. I dated that French guy Nicholas for 4 months. I learned that if I didn’t like the experience and the guy wasn’t very hot, I remove him from memory.

2012 was a cool year. I had a cool birthday at Opus. Everyone wore bunny ears. I went on Dragon’s Den in April. In October I raised $14K on Kickstarter. In November we had a James Bond photoshoot and I met Patrick.

2013 was a big year because in March I “came out” and told the world about my alopecia. I also embarked on my Shanghai vagabond journey later in the year, Oct/Nov. I saw a lot of things in China and I met lots of people. It was the best year of sex, in quality and quantity. Patrick up until May. Josh in August. First Asian guy in December. Idriss on NYE.

2014 has been a big year too. I discovered my love for location independence after returning from Shanghai in April. I had my first failed Kickstarter project, but discovered the importance of learning from the best. Knot Theory got on AskMen. I lived at Aunt Jane’s from April to Oct. I took courses. SEOD and ASM. I know that I will make lots of money from now on. Moved home but felt fine about it. Just a place for me to not pay rent, keep Mom company, and figure out what to do and where to live next. Got my first SEO client at end of Oct. In Nov I went to SF. Idriss and I crashed and burnt and I predicted that in my dream. Friends with Norm again. Got PADI open water and dry suit certified. I met Dan MacKinnon on the flight to SF and learned that I’d love to travel the way he did in Australia: like a free, adrenaline-seeking 20-something. Feels like for the first time in a long time I have a much more concrete and promising plan for the coming year. Oh, and I’m on Invisalign. I like that for several reasons. I’m taking action. It’s gonna take gradual, consistent push to align my teeth that’s my theme: consistency. I don’t need to see results overnight. I just need to see progress and have a concrete goal that I can reach at a foreseeable date!

2015 is going to be an AMAZING year. This is going to be a year of making lots of money, pushing my boundaries, learning a lot about myself, becoming a better person, and realizing many of my dreams.

Happy New Year 2015!!!

This is a special year. I can feel it. 2015, the year I make it to the mountain top!

The growth that I have experienced over time as allowed me to come to this point. More and more I’m loving who I am and who I’m becoming.

More and more I know how to get what I want and what I need. Or, rather, more and more I know what I want and what I need.

This year, my direction is clearer than ever. I want to be free:

Free to live anywhere – location independence
Free to do anything – time and money abundance
Free to be – overcoming limiting beliefs

With ASM, SEO, and KT, I’m getting closer to the first tow. I have fairly concrete goals. I want to focus and sell products on Amazon. I want to get 20 SEO clients, and use it to fund ASM. I’ll focus on the bridal sector for KT, getting into 10 bridal boutiques.

I wanted to learn a few things this year too. I decided I wanted to learn to sing. But I didn’t realize until NYE that it’s not about getting good at singing, it’s about being able to do something I suck at in public! THAT is my true goal. To be less self-conscious. Then I realized, this is what livingly freely is all about. It was that same liberating process when I told the world about my alopecia. Then I realized, this is what life is about.

All the burden we place upon ourselves. I can see it in my actions. I can hear it in my voice. I can feel it, when I’m around Mom. Now that I know this, my goal is to remove my mental blockers one by one, until I am as free as a wild little kid!

Mom is great. She has done everything to her best. Especially nowadays. She is so supportive, and taking such great care of me. But there are cultural burdens placed upon her. She is so judging. So appearance focused. And she voices her opinions loudly. I know exactly where my self-consciousness – the feeling of everyone judging me – came from.

On NYE, I told Mom my new year’s resolution is to overcome my fear of singing in public. I told her how she messed me up. I think she was a bit hurt by it.

I was also trying to think up something for us to do on NYE. She didn’t want to do anything. She didn’t want to go out nor celebrate. She said I could feel free to go to Ainsley’s brother’s party.

But I’m not her. I’m old enough now, and mature enough, to make wiser decisions. I tried to look up things for us to do to make the NYE memorable. It was hard because she didn’t like any of those things. I turned to Cyndi for help. She suggested a bunch of things that wouldn’t work. Then, she said, you should go to a karaoke bar! It was a brilliant idea!

It was hard for me to do. I rarely dictate what Mom and I do. Through all the years, each time I came home, I never suggested that we do anything. She’d go out to dance and I’d work on Knot Theory. The only thing we do together is her cooking for me and me eating.

So not only did I have to overcome this barrier, I have to book us a Karaoke bar to get over my fear of singing. But excitement took over fear and I did it! We had fun! I’m so proud of myself. Mom did well too.

We arrived at Lotteria’s at 11:05pm. James the Korean owner put some cloth mic condoms on two mics and gave them to us. He led us to a small room, painted red and equipped with strobe lights. He showed us the giant Korean remote control, and found us some English songs. Even as we sat in the karaoke room, Mom criticized the person singing in the next room. There’s just so much judgement, always. But that’s ok. She is already a million times more awesome and less judging than many Asian parents.

I was hoping that they would have Rhianna’s “Stay”. I love that song in part because Patrick sang it on the very last night we were together. I also listened and practiced singing it a hundred times while driving, because that was the only song on Mom’s CDs that I liked. But they didn’t have that song.

Mom taught me to sing “Stand by your man” instead. It was a nice song, but the lyrics are a bit outdated. It was fun though. Mom would guide me so I know how to sing it. She is really loud though. I can’t really hear myself most of the time.

We also sang Basketcase by Green Day, My heart will go on by Celine Dion, It’s my life by Bon Jovi, and some songs that neither of us can sing, like It’s gonna be a good night by the Black Eyed Peas.

In the beginning Mom will point out I missed the tune. She got better later on and would tell me that I was pretty good.

Suddenly we realized it was midnight so we did a countdown and hugged.

We also filmed each other with her iPad. It was pretty funny to watch. I had fun singing. If I knew the songs better it would’ve been even better. Mom said she had an ok time. C’mon. Sure beats sitting at home doing nothing but watching Taiwanese political talk shows!

Then we came home and had onion wine. I’m really proud of myself today. I love this action-oriented me! I love that I took initiative! I love that I overcame my long time fear! I love that I’m making Mom more accepting too! 🙂