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I’m sensitive. I think that makes it easier to be sad.

For example, a while ago I uploaded pics of me and Jarl. He untagged himself. I was sad. I tried very hard to think of reasons why. I thought maybe he was embarrassed to be seen with me (worst case scenario), or maybe he was gay, or maybe he was just starting to date someone.

Yesterday on Facebook, it was posted that he is now in a relationship with someone. Well, that explained it.

I guess I should’ve been somewhat happy, but I was still sad.

I was sad, because I didn’t get to get with him.

I shouldn’t be so sad, because maybe he was attracted but his heart was already somewhere else. That’s the best scenario already.

Well, the best scenario is that I hook up with someone cute on that Thailand trip.

I feel sad that I didn’t. I feel sad that even Cyn got more action. I feel sad that…it’s been so long (6, 7 months) since I had sex, and even longer since I made love.

Come to think of it, I haven’t really made love to anyone. I’ve had great sex, but I’ve never been in love.

In a way I love Patrick, but not really. If I knew more about him, I’m certain I would not love him.

It’s kind of sad, isn’t it? To come to this world and not find love.

I suppose I have found greater love. Love for people with alopecia. Love for myself for having alopecia.

I don’t really know what love is. Some motions of it seems…..ambiguous. Does mom love me? I suppose as much as anyone can love me. Does dad love me? I think he loves his dog.

Can I love someone? The thought of loving someone just makes me think of compromises, sacrifices, fights, burden, dependence, annoyance, assimilation, loss of self identity. I only see these negatives, and even if it was amazing and perfect, I see that it must end at some point.

I don’t know the how nor the why of love.

For now, I focus on making money. It’s something I’ve tried for 5+ years and is finally happening. I thank God for everything. There has been a lot of luck involved. I hope I do make millions a year before turning 40. I hope that I have that part figured out…

Love, I’ll tackle it as it comes 🙂

 

 

DaJoJo passed away a few days ago. It surprised everyone.

He was so chill. His health seemed fined. 66 years – shorter than what anyone would’ve expected.

I feel sad for Shangyi and Shangrei. Mom cried. I cried. Everyone cried.

Aunt Shu and Mom kept saying he was such a wonderful person. He has always been good to me.

When Alison was getting married, I met up with DaJoJo for lunch one day. He treated me to a lavish buffet. He was just so chill and easygoing. He wasn’t opinionated nor judging. Pretty open-minded.

He had a big tooth gap, but he refused to get it filled because it required that he quit smoking, lol.

I felt ok asking him anything. I asked him if Shangyi was a lesbian. He said he wasn’t sure.

As we parted ways, he gave me a red envelope to give to Alison. The he asked if I had money. I said, Yeah, lots. He saw that I had just a few hundred NT, he was like, That’s it?

Later on, he called me and said, “Take some money out of the red envelope.” I think it was $8000NT.

He called again soon after, “But don’t tell Alison that you did!” Haha.

I can’t remember why I was quite ready to have some extra spending money. I went ahead and bought some shoes. I think it was 6 pairs of shoes.

Dajojo had always been good to me, and the last impression was good too. I like him more than I like Uncle Mitch. Mitch is less and less likeable as he ages. Stingy and judging.

I’m gonna miss Dajojo.

On one hand, he’s had a great life, especially in his later years. No stress, no financial worries. He was of the philosophy that being in the middle is best. I remember he said, don’t exercise too much, because then you have to keep doing it. Or said that a friend of his had lots of money, and he started a business, lost all of it.

He didn’t risk much in life. He didn’t venture out of his comfort zone. He didn’t strive for anything. But that was the way he liked it. He was always content, it seems. And so, it was a good life.

And of course, I want to believe that we are here by choice. How we arrive, how we leave, are also by choice. I think DaJoJo was here just to relax, have a good time. He wasn’t here to learn stuff, to struggle, to thrive. This is a boat cruise for him.

I’m glad he had a smooth life 🙂

 

These days I’ve been just thinking about sex more. I miss Patrick. I miss Josh. Even though Josh was not a good person, I miss the physical aspects of him. Those eyes and eyebrows. The lips. The skin. I doubt I’ll ever find anyone as hot again.

I’ve been hanging out with Norm almost everyday, since he tried to commit suicide on May 1st. It’s been draining. I’m glad he is alive though. It was a close call.

I don’t mind hanging out with him sometimes, but I feel obligated to hang out with him often to make sure he is ok. He seems fine. He was just frustrated by not being able to find any girl to date. I hope the psychologist will be helpful.

We all want a certain company. Me, I want fun, positive friends. I want hot, young, genuine, fun, sexy guys to make love to. But I don’t get any of that.

He wants big breasted girls to date. He wants friends. He doesn’t get any of that.

I have a better mom and a better dad. I think that helps.

I finally uploaded my last Thailand photo album to Facebook today. It was the photos with the Swedish boys. To my total surprise, Jarl untagged himself from all photos of me and him…well the 3 of them. Ok, 2 of them he was wearing his undies. 1 of them, he was just in the pic with me. I was quite saddened by it. I feel that it was because he didn’t want to seem like there was anything between us.

Today I had too much on my mind – my ASM biz and Norm and Mother’s Day, to care about what it really meant. Maybe he is gay. Maybe he is into someone and doesn’t want to mislead him/her. Maybe it’s not as bad as I think it is. I’lll give him the benefit of a doubt. Because, he is not worth me feeling sad over. He was cute, yes, but he was hardly on my mind. He was not charming, he was not amazing.

Who is amazing? Patrick. I think about him often, yet, he never comes into my life. So much for manifestation. Used to work: when I thought about him, he’d show up.

Josh, I think about him a lot more often lately. I think it’s because summer time is near, and we hooked up in the summer. I think also it’s because he is thinking of me. I know he must miss me. We had such an amazing time. But it’ll never be rekindled. He did nasty things, I said nasty things.

When can I find someone who is sincere and hot and loves me? Does this person exist? The older I get, the less likely it’s gonna happen, it seems. I’m further and further away from the hot young guys, never mind the sincerity and love! I think it’s gonna have to be paid sex. Sigh.

But you know what’s making me happy? ASM doing well 🙂 It’s not yet steady, but it’s been a source of happiness. Amazing that after 5 years of working hard on ties and bow ties, I can expect $1500 ~ $3000 per month. Silicone wedding rings on Amazon? $8,000 in sales the first month. This past month, Apr 8 to May 8, I finally brought in $10K in sales. About $7K USD ($8500CAD) in profit. Thank you God.

I asked for money not boyfriend for now, and that’s what I get. I am horny and wanting some physical contact with a cute boy, but I want money even more right now.

I just watched the movie The Fault in Our Stars. Omg, such an awesome movie. What I love the most about it is Ansel Elgort’s character and his performance.

If a guy like Augustus Waters exists in real life, someone who loves me this much and is full of original ideas and has a charismatic personality and is pretty handsome, his lack of one leg is not an issue at all. He is such a beautiful character. So beautiful.

And Ansel Elgort is such a great actor. Such a natural actor. Not the most handsome, but definitely attractive.

Does a man like that really exist? Sigh. I wish to find a great love one day….

For now, I want to focus on making millions!!!

My silicone rings have arrived at Amazon! I think they are still processing them. I have the pictures photoshopped and ready to upload tomorrow. I’m nervous! I hope they’ll do well. I have a good feeling about them.

I think it’ll take me all day tomorrow to get the listings ready. Today I spent all day preparing the photos. I think they will stand out because they are different. The quality isn’t superb but it’s better than my competitors. I’m trying to be speedy….though a big part of me likes to be thorough…I’m still figuring out a balance.

My heart is pounding about this launch. My future depends on it! I know if it doesn’t do well I’ll just try again…but I’m so sick of failing. Please, my dear God. Please let me win this time. Please.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, the past several days.

Well, yesterday was more ok. I was fairly productive, and I only cried when I watched Malificent.

But today was hell. I woke up naturally at 8, but didn’t feel like working out. I was slow and unproductive. Watched a bunch of youtube videos. Felt just sad in general. I think I dreamt about something sad but trivial, like, a water leak in my bag.

Cyndi texted me to say she wants to take me on a mini adventure next week. That made me extra sad. Two weeks after my birthday? Seriously? I wasn’t as mad at her before that offer.

I tried to not be sad about it, because that seemed unreasonable. But I balled my eyes out. I hated feeling like I’m at the bottom of all priorities. I thought about how to respond to that, but in no way did it feel right. Just like with Summer. I just felt so so sad. And so tired as a result. So I took a nap in Vanthony’s bedroom. They have a very comfortable memory foam bed.

What is pissing me off here? Well, that I’m not a priority in her life by any means. The gesture is nice, but it’s two weeks after my birthday, bitch. I know what else she is doing – dating, and dating.

What makes it worse is that I don’t feel right voicing the fact that I was hurt. If I do, it’ll only damage our friendship even more. We already had all these “talks” after our trip from Thailand. I was already hurt. It’ll seem like I’m just so frigging sensitive and fragile and I’m always hurt.

If I knew what’s going on that takes up her time, then maybe I won’t feel as bad. For example, if they are important things instead of dating. If she were to let me know that she has lots going on but she’ll make it up to me later, then that’s better. But it was just so thoughtless.

It’s tough to be me….I tried to have no expectations of people. I make no demands. You’d think that I won’t get hurt that way…but surprisingly people can still hurt me. They’d invite me to shitty things, or things that are an after thought.

I don’t know how to feel happy. I don’t know how to avoid getting hurt. I don’t know how to have friends.

I don’t know how to make money either. I’ll do my best though.

I should be happy for Cyndi. She is one of my closest friends.

She just got a job offer for $120K USD take home, located in New York! And she’s been dating lots, being promiscuous, and just had great sex with a guy she was attracted to.

It’s amazing how quickly one’s life can change. The other day her 6 year relationship had ended, she never had good sex, and her job only pays around $45 or $55K CAD.

It’s like in the Gossip Girl. One character can be thrown into the shittiest situation, and then the next moment she is the queen of the hill. That was the only thing I learned from that show…if I learned it.

Life is unpredictable, that’s one lesson. Much of life is outside of our control. (How we think of it is within our control, but you can’t deny the good in getting a super job offer and getting great sex.) If someone has something good going on, just be happy for them, for things can change at any point. If someone is in the shits, it too shall pass.

I guess it’s hard for me to see because she did nothing to gain this job offer…she did not take risks, she did not pursue greatness. She just dreaded going to work, not sure what she had learned during meetings with Google and Facebook (at least, that’s what she told me), and was just looking for a job that’d allow her to work from home.. (…and she lies. She lies about things for this new job…she lied during our trip. She is too quick to lie and too good of a lier, it scares me. )

…It’s hard because she was a bitch in some ways during our Thailand trip and I still haven’t got over how she criticized me for things that shes does herself, and the pretentious way she went about it.

…It’s hard because I’m struggling still with my businesses.

…It’s hard because even in the sex department she is winning. And she is so cocky at dates it’s ironic.

It makes me really sad.

If she also becomes skinny, then officially her life is better than mine in every way haha.

I’ve got to learn to be happy for her. For she had been happy for me during my…sort of good times. Like before going on Dragon’s Den. Sigh. I never actually hit it big though. I’ve never gained anything in life that is lasting it seems….I never made so much money.

It’s funny how our worth is so dependent on the other people. If someone offers me that much pay, I’d feel amazing. If I can make that much money, I’ll feel amazing.

I prefer a world where we all feel great.

Ok, I gotta be solid. I gotta remember how great I have it.

I have lots of promising business moves coming up:

When I sell successfully on Amazon (not a matter of if, but a matter of when. And I hope it’s soon! I hope it’s in the next few months!!!) I’ll start feeling energized. Ah how great it’d feel to make money!!! I can work from anywhere too!!! I can then travel and do fun stuff all over the world!!!!

When I have a great following for the Alopecia Channel, I’ll feel amazing!!! I’ll have impact, I’ll have influence, I’ll have fans, and I’ll make friends! Even if it doesn’t gain a lot of fans at first, I’ll get to practice my speaking skills, my ability in front of the camera, my charisma. It’ll be good for me.

I feel so much better now 🙂

Cyn, Christie, and I went to Sum’s for dinner tonight.

Cyn’s life is so great, making me kind of jealous. She’s been dating like crazy, met at least two cute guys, had amazing sex with one of them, made out with another one. She also got offered a job in New York, and she can name her salary. She’ll likely get at least $120K USD, plus equity of the company. It’s so good that it’s almost hard to be happy for her. But I’ll be happy for her. I wish my life is taking off like that.

Sum is doing really well too, making $150K the past year. A guy – smart, wealthy, established – is super into her too. He actually left his wife of 20 years, in order to pursue her. Wow.

Christie didn’t say much about herself, but she hasn’t had sex in 1.5 years. I don’t know how well her business is.

Me, I haven’t had sex in about 4 months.

I was an ok night. I like them, but I don’t really jive with them. But at the same time it’ll be cool be to Sex in the City with these girls. We really are so different.

Cyn and I have similar sense of humour. Summer and Christie have their own. Sum and I have similar taste in guys. Cyn and Christie are more reserved. But then Cyn is changing fast.

I shouldn’t be jealous of anybody. I should just be happy for them, be helpful, and be a good friend.

I want to be more successful though. And I will be. This is the year! I’ll do everything in my power to be successful starting this year.

My rings are done and waiting to be packaged. I need your blessing, my dear God. I love you, I miss you.

If I’m completely honest, I’d say mind-blowing sex with incredibly attractive guys. Different guy every 3 to 7 days. Sometimes several guys at once.

I feel that it’s a bad thing to admit to the world though…it seems too shallow and too pointless to be accepted by the society, by myself even. But it’s the truth.

It’s literally the funnest thing in the world. To make out with an absolute hottie, to laugh together, to enjoy each other’s body, to kiss and touch and feel the rush. To get wet, incredibly wet. To feel the physical intimacy. To discover each other. To excite each other with new places, new sex ideas. To adore each other and think each other is perfect. To compliment each other and make each other feel like god and goddess.

I love how Patrick made me feel. I love how Josh made me feel. I savour those moments.

I’m passionate about helping people, developing my business, creative brainstorming, innovating, designing, experiencing new things, doing sports that give me an adrenaline rush, winning, succeeding, enjoying the luxuries in life, meeting new people, travelling.

Yet, at the end of the day, all I want and all I need is mind-blowing sex with incredibly attractive guys. It’s empty, and in some ways meaningless pleasure, but it’s so intense, that it’s possibly like being high on cocaine. (I’ve read that the brain’s wave pattern while in love is similar to being high on cocaine.)

In that way it makes sense. It’s an addiction…giving me the rush that a drug addiction gives to an addict. Except I can’t be an addict because I can’t easily obtain it. (If I were a king I would be the most hedonistic king.)

And…I guess from the point of evolution, it makes sense that I got to be this way. It just seems like that for most people (women) it’s been packaged into more of a combo deal: dating, long term relationship, and creating a family. For me, it’s been reduced down to just sex. And it doesn’t have to be anyone smart. And I have no desire to procreate. Giving birth is the most unappealing thing to me. So…almost like a gay person, I’m an exception that does not contribute to the gene pool.

If hard drugs are as amazing and mind-blowing sex – which I doubt, because being with someone attractive is so new and exciting. Drugs will at best be like mind-blowing orgasms, but it can’t replace the human aspect of sex. I love thinking about the uniqueness of the person that I had sex with. The good uniqueness that is. I love those moments….I wish they’d last forever.

If I’m completely honest, I’d say mind-blowing sex with incredibly attractive guys. Different guy every 3 to 7 days. Sometimes several guys at once.

I feel that it’s a bad thing to admit to the world though…it seems too shallow and too pointless to be accepted by the society, by myself even. But it’s the truth.

It’s literally the funnest thing in the world. To make out with an absolute hottie, to laugh together, to enjoy each other’s body, to kiss and touch and feel the rush. To get wet, incredibly wet. To feel the physical intimacy. To discover each other. To excite each other with new places, new sex ideas. To adore each other and think each other is perfect. To compliment each other and make each other feel like god and goddess.

I love how Patrick made me feel. I love how Josh made me feel.

I’m passionate about helping people, developing my business, creative brainstorming, innovating, designing, experiencing new things, doing sports that give me an adrenaline rush, winning, succeeding, enjoying the luxuries in life, meeting new people, travelling.

Yet, at the end of the day, all I want and all I need is mind-blowing sex with incredibly attractive people. It’s empty, and in some ways meaningless pleasure, but it’s so intense, that it’s possibly like being high on cocaine. (I’ve read that the brain’s wave pattern while in love is similar to being high on cocaine.)

In that way it makes sense. It’s an addiction…giving me the rush that a drug addiction gives to an addict. Except I can’t be an addict because I can’t easily obtain it. I need to meet the right people.

And…I guess from the point of evolution, it makes sense that I got to be this way. It just seems like that for most people (women) it’s been packaged into more of a combo deal: dating, long term relationship, and creating a family. For me, it’s been reduced down to just sex. And it doesn’t have to be anyone smart. And I have no desire to procreate. Giving birth is the most unappealing thing to me. So…almost like a gay person, I’m an exception that does not contribute to the gene pool.

If hard drugs are as amazing and mind-blowing sex – which I doubt, because being with someone attractive is so new and exciting. Drugs will at best be like mind-blowing orgasms, but it can’t replace the human aspect of sex. I love thinking about the uniqueness of the person that I had sex with. The good uniqueness that is.

Update: About exactly a year later, March 2016, I got to have this with Matthew. Oh man…so amazing. Exactly what I wanted. Dunno how long it’ll last…wouldn’t it be amazing if it lasts a life time? But for now, I just enjoy the ride.

I am lucky. Mom can’t be more supportive, loving, and giving. Dad is great too.

I have a place to live in Vancouver, I have stocks, I have time.

I have beauty, smarts, talent, and youth (still some!)

I finally realized why I’m not successful, why I have nothing to show for.

I MUST ACT FAST

I take action, but usually after much thinking. I’d spend all day learning, planning, thinking. I need to make myself produce results at reasonable pace. Take 2 hours to create a product listing, not 12 hours.

Like Jason F. said, try shit, be a bull in a china shop. Get data. Grow quickly.

I MUST TAKE SOME RISKS

Wounded and gun shy does describe me. I need to get over this. Spend some money and get some data.

I MUST FOCUS

The past few days I’ve been on Facebook too much. No more. Limit my time doing useless stuff to half hour a day. Limit my chat with friends to 5 minutes.

Get shit done. No excuses!

Update: May 2016 – I have some success!! So happy. But what I wrote still applies. Trying more shit is key to success.