End of Brad

It’s been about 4 days since I messaged Brad on Monday/Tuesday and got no reply.

It shows that he didn’t go into Whatsapp since Sunday…so he probably didn’t see the message…but….why didn’t he go into Whatsapp?

I’m so upset over this. I was just starting to really like him.

I suppose he could be hurt, dead, or…. Actually those are the only two things I can think of that would justify this.

The chance of the above is ultra slim.

There’s a higher chance of him just moving on, or not having me on his mind….and that makes me sad.

There have been so many guys like this already. I thought he’d be sincere.

I’m in so much pain, so much sadness, just thinking about this.

I don’t think I’m having unreasonable expectations.

At this point, whether he messages me ever again….I think there’s no use. I’ve given up on him.

I’ll choose to believe that he was good. That he had good intentions. That he probably got really hurt in a climbing accident, can’t type because he broke both hands, or got into a coma.

I’ve been lowering my standards every single time I meet someone, yet they still disappoint.

Am I not attractive enough for anyone decent? Do I bore them? I don’t know how I can be so repulsive or unattractive…

Even Norm has an easier time finding love. What is wrong with me???

Maybe it’s time to leave Vancouver, if I want to find a boyfriend.

Dear God, please help me find love!

Back from Unleash the Power Within

After 4 days of Tony Robbins, where 10,500 of us walked on fire, jumped up and down celebrating life, envisioned a better future after ridding our limiting beliefs, I am home now in Vancouver….feeling sick and depressed. Why is that?

It’s not the first time that I feel a low after a high. Maybe it was because the 15 hour days were depleting my chemicals. Maybe I was just exhausted. Maybe I got sick (pretty sure I’m sick now).

It doesn’t help that all the guys in my life suck. Brad hasn’t answered my message since Monday. Max kept talking about Russian girls, not having a clue that it pisses me off. Norm is just annoying and reminding me of why I broke up with him. Even Charlie, whom I idolized a bit, watching his video made me feel sick. Hated his voice and face. Tony Robbins, also not liking that guy very much. A guy on Tinder, don’t like him either.

What is going on?

I feel a sense of despair.

Whether it’s me or the world….I feel stuck.

Will I ever find someone whom I love and loves me back?

 

 

Ideal Boyfriend/Husband

  1. Loves me and I love him
  2. We make each other happier
  3. We laugh at each other’s jokes
  4. We make each other a better person
  5. We like each other
  6. We are each other’s #1 fan
  7. We appreciate the quirkiness in each other
  8. We believe in each other
  9. We respect each other very much
  10. We are a great team
  11. We are turned on by each other
  12. We have amazing sex life
  13. We rarely fight
  14. We are curious about each other
  15. We are very transparent with each other
  16. We share similar values and morals
  17. We understand each other well, but still find pleasant surprises in each other
  18. We share similar dreams and hopes about our future
  19. Is patient with me
  20. Is generous with me, money and time
  21. Will and can travel with me often
  22. Doesn’t want kids either
  23. Is a kind, caring person
  24. Is a loyal person who will not cheat on me
  25. Does thoughtful things for me
  26. Makes me feel great about myself
  27. Is always growing, improving himself
  28. Always willing to improve our relationship, making sure it doesn’t go stale
  29. Is positive and generally happy
  30. I can trust him and rely on him
  31. Earns enough money to enjoy life with me
  32. Has good friends whom I like
  33. Is a good friend to me, possibly a best friend
  34. Is healthy
  35. Is smart
  36. Is a good communicator

Brad 4.0

Brad came by today, even though it’s a Monday and we just saw each other on Friday. It’s because I’m leaving for Tony Robbin’s Unleash the Power Within on Wednesday and back on Monday.

It’s nice that I get to see Brad more often than with other guys.

I thought I was running late, so I changed from 7 to 8pm. Before he saw it, I realized I could do 7pm, so I let him know. He told me that he might run late too, so he’d arrive between 7 and 8. I didn’t like that.

I told him to let me know half hour before he leaves, meanwhile feeling a bit disappointed. Surprisingly, he said he shoved food into his mouth, showered, and he sent me a nice photo of himself fresh out of the shower. Aimed for 7:15 to 7:30, and let me know when he left. That’s nice 🙂

It was a shorter night though. 7:15 ’til 9:45….2.5hours. I guess it was still alright. Last time it was 4 hours!

I wore purple hair and my ombre purple tank top and denim shorts. Same same as with Matthew. This way I don’t have to think too much. The only thing is, Brad can’t see purple.

I like that he comes closer to the door more than Matthew did. We kissed passionately at the front entrance. Our kisses are always so passionate 🙂

He asked me how my day was. I told him about meeting with Alice and Zeljka about life insurance, and he knew all about it, of course! He used to do that! That was kinda cool. He could’ve recommended someone really good to me he said.

He was in front of his computer all day, then went climbing. The jeans shipped out today.

Tonight, we had oral like usual, then had sex twice. The difference is that we talked after each time we had sex, which is how I like it.

And sex was better tonight too. When in my fave position, he went in in a way that felt quite good. It was slow and sexy too. It’s brighter in the room with him, so I get to check him out in the mirror. His muscles looked really nice. He is so lean. He came in that position, a bit quicker than he expected. We didn’t even get to his fave, which is doggie style.

During the second time, we tried me lying on top of him. Surprisingly, he came in that position too. And again a bit too quickly.

We talked quite a bit, about the US election, about West World, about my theory of having multiple short lives, about being agnostic versus being atheist, about his cousin who is always in his uncle’s dreams (such a shocker!), about a similar motivational event he’s been to, by Sterling (said he got over hating his dad…that’s another shocker). It was the first time we had somewhat of a more in depth talk. I can tell he is smart. Smarter than I expected.

He is pretty cool really. We have lots in common.

But I don’t feel that he really wants me…yet. But we are having better and better chemistry it seems.

I could’ve gone again, but he was thinking to leave then. It was only 9:40ish. He is stressed about work and tends to have insomnia. He has a busy day ahead, wrapping up the cell phone screen protecter business.

We kissed for a long time by his car again.

I’m curious about how our relationship will progress. There seems to be potential.

His sense of humour is not like Matthew’s. Matthew was so good at conversational humour. Brad is better at telling stories. There’s still much I don’t know about him. I don’t know what he has been like in relationships. Matthew definitely is no relationship material…but he excites me so much.

I was really excited to see Brad tonight though. My heart sped up as I waited for the elevator.

I do like seeing him casually right now. In a real relationship, I don’t know if he is gonna make me a happier person, and vice versa.

 

 

 

 

 

Sex with Brad 3.0

Had my period last week, so I didn’t see Brad.

We texted/whatsapped a bit. He told me he’s been craving me. That’s sexy. (But he said that same thing three times already. He doesn’t have the same diversity as Matthew. Not nearly. But he tells pretty good stories.)

He also sent me a topless selfie, by my request. It was really hot. He has abs! And tiny waist. So yum.

I was so turned on and anxious to see him today. It’s only been two weeks but it felt like forever. With Matthew, 2 weeks was acceptable. But I’ve been seeing Brad every week and it was easy to get used to that.

The last two days I haven’t been as horny though. But I was still excited about seeing him tonight.

We decide to meet earlier today, at 7pm. That kinda works. He stayed ’til 11pm. We spend more time this way. I think before it would be 9pm~1am

He was on-time, as usual. Matthew is never quite on time, but he’d message me like 10 times before getting here, from getting ready to cat emojis to pin drops on the way here.

I was happy to go down to see him, but not nervous like when Matthew comes. Gosh I miss that guy.

I wore my new leather jacket with fur, leather shorts, and leather corset. Oh and my dark brown curly wig. Ran into too many neighbours.

Brad was by the door, as usual. I like that. He was wearing a black jacket with stitchings that kinda matched my black leather jacket.

We kissed passionately at the door and he said I tasted good. Then we kissed more all the way up the elevator.

Up here in the condo, he pushed me against the shoe cupboard, and all the shark fin squashes above it – 3 of them – started rolling around and about to fall off, ahaha

We moved to the bedroom before he destroyed things.

Sex was fine. I’m more and more used to his looks so he looks cuter now. His body is nicer and nicer for the same reason, but also because of the photo he sent me. His abs were so defined there. He said he’s been going to the climbing gym more and more now too, so he’s lost 8 pounds since we started sleeping together, and is getting more muscular.

He ate me out …I was self conscious because my period had just ended and I probably either tasted like blood or an old diva cup. But he said I tasted good.

I didn’t really care to be eaten out though. I hardly felt anything.

I went down on him. It was slightly more fun. He was easily turned on by that. He made me stop after maybe 5 minutes because he was going to cum. Said I was too good at it.

We used the fire and ice condom – our fave. He came pretty quickly.

It felt a bit bright in the room but he said he liked being able to see me. Matthew seemed to prefer darker rooms. I didn’t discover the bedside light back then.

I can’t remember if it was the first or second time, that Brad came during doggie style. It felt really good for both of us.

He always started kissing me right after, instead of sex, chat, sex, chat… so it gets blurred how each orgasm went. Both Matthew and Fin were more like, sex chat sex chat. I prefer that actually. Brad is more like, sex sex sex chat.

He wanted to give each other oil massage. I gave him front and back. Didn’t seem like he was going to offer it until I asked him to massage my back. He hardly massage my front. Hmm… not very thoughtful.

He put on a condom and started to get limp. It’s one of the originals of Magnum…said he can’t feel anything.

So I got on top of him and gave him a hand job with lots of oil. I did some reading recently about erogenous zones. One of them is the underlip area of a dick. I played with that area and he got so turned on! So I kept doing it, and said he’s never felt so good.

He got such an intense orgasm…when he looked at himself, his dick shot the cum so far it hit him in the eye, lolololol!

His eye was burning for a while but he said it was worth it. Haha.

I wish I had as much fun. I mean, it was fun, but, it’s not Matthew-fun or Fin-fun. I don’t know why. He is just not as good at it? Or his face didn’t turn me on as much? Not sure.

But I do have fun with him. He is looking cuter to me. And his skin is soft with a light tan. His hair curly and fun to play with. His ass is super cute. His body is well-proportioned. Long legs, wide shoulders, narrow waist. Almost like how Patrick was.

We then took a shower, using Matthew’s shower gel to cut the grease. He did offer to wash my back which was more thoughtful.

We then lied down and talked for maybe an hour, about biz and stuff. They just signed with an investor, owner of Second Clothing, from Montreal. So it’s a big day for them! He said he’ll be getting paid like an employee soon and it’ll be good. Right now he doesn’t have a lot of cash.

His parents were away so he had a board game night last night. Stayed up until 3am. And had 3 beers. Koda woke him up at 7am and he couldn’t sleep after. Plus a hangover.

He said he used to be drunk pretty much every time he had sex (even in relationships…what…) I was the first person that he’d have sex sober with. And when he drank he can only do it once. We do it three times. Interesting. My guess is he hasn’t been in a long term relationship. How can one get drunk every time for sex…

He talked about dealing with difficult customers. It’s surprising that he can get into a shouting match with a customer. There’s definitely more to his personality than I know.

He talked about his family having many entrepreneurs. His uncle founded Spence Diamonds. As I asked if he founded it by himself, I remembered, Brad’s last name is Spence! Wow. He said this uncle is a jerk though and his dad wants nothing to do with him. The uncle is always dating 21 year olds. I said I guess it’s ok if it’s for love not for money, but he said it is. He bought her an expensive BMW, and Brad joked about how the girl is probably snorting cocaine off his body.

When they were little, they’d go to this uncle’s place for Xmas. He’d give them each $100. As 10yo kids they were so thrilled. Their grandparents were poor and would give them $2. So they’d get $102 every Xmas. Just funny the way he said it.

His dad is a very successful financial planner. Sells life insurance. Haha. I could’ve gone to his dad for this insurance thing I try to set up!

His dad has friends that help him too. He thinks one of them just likes hanging out with him because he is young.

He tried to do the insurance thing for a while. Was rookie of the year, but then he didn’t sell for 4 months because he didn’t ask for referrals from the initial clients. Probably not the actual reason but that’s how he saw it.

Turned out him and his biz partner / best friend Taz have had many biz ideas, but their problems was Taz’s lack of follow-through. They have done the website biz and phone screen protector kiosk biz together. Though Brad was the one that trained him. That’s cool. He is the alpha male then. I like alphas.

I do like him. But I don’t sense that he is making more effort to woo me than before. As in, it’s not like this is developing into more.

His tour will begin in a couple of months. That’s good. Gives us some time to have fun I hope.

He thinks that once I have developed the silver rings into a solid version, I should go on Kickstarter. That’s a good point.

I told him the fading ring story…he wasn’t of much help there. I think Patrick would’ve tried harder. Or at least the old version of Patrick. That was one of the things I liked about him. He wanted to help. Matthew..not sure…he wanted to help me find a birthday restaurant, but I never asked him about biz. Fin was not entrepreneural it seems. But we never ran out of things to talk about. He was pretty funny too.

So I walked Brad out. We kissed by his car for quite a while again. Neither of us wanted to stop kissing. When we were finally done kissing, he said, “And now I’m going to drive into a pole.” Ahahaha. That’s the cutest thing he’s said tonight.

 

 

Period, Cyndi back

Had the most massive bleed on Friday from my period! I woke up early in the day, because I felt my body pushing the tampon out.

I felt wetness between my legs, and saw that I had bled onto the douvet cover, the douvet, the bed sheet, and the waterproof sheet underneath.

This has never happened before. I spent two hours cleaning up, showered, and then, got out of the shower, bled onto the area rug in the bathroom. Cleaned that too.

It made me sad because I think it’s a sign of me getting old.

Cat and Nichole both had heavy periods this past year. I researched online and read that it could be that the egg wasn’t released this month….which relates to aging.

Thankfully it didn’t last long. Just the first day or two.

I was also more depressed than ever, the week before the period.

I gotta do more regular exercise and eat more flax seed.

In the coming months and years I’m gonna learn about budgeting time and building habits.

Cyndi is back! Probably for good! Yay!

I went to her place tonight. Marleen, Tin, and Ty were there.

She gave me a glow in the dark dinosaur onesie to put on.

We were gonna go out to a club, but we were old. So instead we hung out and watched Cyndi clean her closet…

I want to have a girlfriend that I can talk to!

Oh well.

She is good in her own ways. And I’m meeting more friends.

Her and Ty are dressing up as Space cowboys. That’s interesting because I think she was influenced by me suggesting that we dress up as Firefly crew for Floaterboating, years ago!

Tin was wearing a Giraffe onesie and a name tag “Jerome” hahaha

Marleen was boring. She wants to dress up as Brexit. I suggested Cyndi’s dress and she didn’t even thank me. I don’t really like her.

 

Brad

Brad messaged me today saying that he’s been craving me all day.

That’s cute. I didn’t expect that.

I’ve been missing him. Maybe the period is making me moody.

I would’ve loved to see him on Friday but my period started. So I think it was yesterday at 2am that I was toiling in bed, and suddenly decided to message him that I miss kissing him.

Yesterday morning he messaged back to say that he missed kissing me too.

I know I hate always initiating texts and invites, but it seems that he is slowly coming around. Like how he texted me today.

We texted back and forth for a bit. He wants a sexy pic. I asked what I’d get in return. He said, anything you desire. That’s kinda cute. Except I don’t know what to ask for. I wanted him to be here.

Later on, I asked for a topless pic of him, and he said I’d have to wait 20 min because he was eating family dinner. That was 8:30 pm. Then I never heard back from him again.

This was in Whatsapp and I can see that he didn’t even read the messages I sent after that time. Strange….

I got home and posted a picture of me in the onesie. I saw that Matthew came online. I wonder if he is still following me.

Every time I see him online, I get an urge to message him, and the feeling that he wants to message me too. But nothing ever happens.

I keep reminding myself that he is not the one. He doesn’t know how to be loyal, how to be selfless.

But I miss him so much.

But right now, there’s Brad. I want to see him on Friday. I know he is different than Matthew. I can’t mold him into Matthew. I need to learn his way of expressing affection.