Month: February 2018

I enjoyed spending time with you last night. I like you a lot. More than I should. I’m curous about you and fascinated by you.

The day I got sick was also the day I learned about all the hookups around me, including you and Michelle. It made me sad, and made me feel like I have been clueless to everything around me.

I tried to not let it get to me but I’m not good at hiding my feelings.

Tomorrow we go on the safari!

It would’ve been good except Michelle is coming. Sigh. I hope it’ll still be good!

I don’t know what’s up with Sam. He said he’ll read to me, but he’s made no effort to.

Yesterday he was on the balcony, but left soon after I got home.

Today he was at co-cave when I came back from getting laundry. He left soon after that.

I thought for sure we’d have some alone time before the safari…I thought for sure that he likes me.

But now, I feel that I can’t expect anything.

I guess I shouldn’t expect anything.

 

I really don’t know anymore. Fred still acts the same way around me…a bit flirty, even though him and Rebecca are together (and I could never tell). Brian was telling me how I had a nice tan and that mermaid outfit worked for him, while we both know he is with Pia.

Meanwhile Michelle wants to do anything that Sam wants to do, and she seems to dislike me. This weekend she gets the whole apartment to herself. They can easily hook up. Sigh.

I don’t think the group living is a fit for me. I can’t wait to be back in Vancouver with Alex. I know there will be challenges there too, but, at least fewer threats.

Here, I have to make an effort to be seen, to be liked, to be included, to get affection even!

I want affection so much. I want it from Sam while I’m here. But I hate having to fight for it. I hate competeing for someone’s affection.

In the group, I’ve been busy working on my website, and then I was busy being sick. I feel ousted. I have to up my game a bit.

—

I finally caved last night and took two immodium pills. I felt fine today. Whew.

I talked to Brittany today about everyone hooking up. She said she’d rather hook up with people outside the tribe, because there are future chapters. Smart.

I asked her to confirm who else are together. Apparently Andrew and Maria were briefly together! What!

And then she said what I didn’t want to hear. Sam and Michelle. For sure.

SIGH. Well, good to know, before the safari.

I felt the need to talk to Mom, and thankfully she is there for me, as always. She is my angel.

She wanted to know everyone’s name. That’s cute.

She listened to me gossiping about everyone too.

I let it all out, telling her about the bad news. She wanted to see more photos of Michelle. I sent her a link to her FB profile, and learned that Michelle is 24! WTF! She looks at least 33!

Mom said she now has a closer look of everyone, and everyone is actually pretty ugly. Hahaha. That’s what I told her before.

I told Mom that I’m quite sure I would’ve easily got Sam if I was single. I look younger, I’m more sunny, and I’m more fun.

I see now why Michelle seems to dislike me. For the winery tour…the only time I can think of that we are all together….Sam spent so much time with me. Why? To avoid her? To keep it a secret? To not upset me?

If I were her I’d be pissed.

Trying to decide what to think of it all.

I mean, Sam didn’t have to hook up with Michelle. She came on strong, but he could’ve held back. But he also didn’t think he had any chance with me because I have a boyfriend. Not really his fault.

No one’s fault here at all.

But I want to be my fun, cool, attractive self. I want to enjoy this trip.

Maybe I’ll meet someone hot at the safari!

But I think Alex is meant to be in my life. I don’t know why Sam is here. Or Michelle. Ha.

If there were more Tribers like Roberts, it would be more innocent.

I simply have to continue to love Alex. He has been a bit hard to love….a bit unattractive. Sigh. I hope he becomes that guy I fell in love with again.

Alex mentioned that him and his friend made a Pilsner song 5 years ago, and Pilsner gave them a mini beer fridge, Pilsner mugs, and other free stuff. What he was trying to tell me though, was that there’s a bunny in the Pilsner label, and he can’t believe he made a beer video with a bunny in it, before he met me.

I asked to see it, he said it was silly. I found it, and it was indeed very silly. A little outdated. But, I see some talent there haha.

I praised him on his video editing skills. I told him about some of his other talents. I told him that he is smart and should use his brain. He is not just a mechanic. He has other identities, such as an entrepreneur.

He said I said such nice things to him.

I will shower him with love and praises when I move in. He needs it.

I wish he was younger. Then there’s more vitality and hope and options and time ahead. Sigh.

Lots of people here at the WifiTribe are still figuring things out, but they are young. It’s just more ok.

I hope Alex figures out his finances soon.

 

I’m still sick with this…not sure what…stomach flu?

Yesterday I thought I was better, and I had finally published my new website, yay! So I excitely joined everyone on the sea kayak tour.

In part because I thought Sam was gonna be there. But he didn’t show.

It turned out to be a fun tour no less! Robert sitting behind me on the kayak made it extra fun. He was pretty funny.

Some highlights:
1. The seal poking out of the water! Robert said he looked like he was standing on something haha. The seal just looked at us in the most comical way. Like, who the fuck are you guys?
2. A seal jumping out of the water like a dolphin!
3. Splashing water at other people
4. Robert asked, Do you want some water? And splashed me.
5. Robert hit his kayak skirt and I felt it in my skirt. I laughed and he had no idea why unti I hit my skirt and he felt it. I started hitting other ppl’s skirt. Robert kept saying how inappropriate it was.
6. I said, “Wow the wave looks so big! But then..” he said, “But then it just sucked…..that’s what she said.” ahahaha
7. As we waited impatiently for the sun to set, a wave comes over and we can’t see the sun. “Oh, the sun has set”, Robert said. “Let’s go home.” “Oh, no it hasn’t.” Kept saying that a few times. haha
8. As we got back, the waves were so big. I got a huge puddle on my skirt. I screamed, “I’m all wet between my thighs!!”, He said, “Context Tanya, context”.

I’m surprised by the sexual jokes he made. I see him as a kid. He is 13 years younger than me. Only 24. He is sweet to me, and growing up real fast. He takes care of me sometimes. I like him a lot.

He is always very content, peaceful, and funny. He doesn’t get mad. I can learn from him.

So after getting back, I felt a bit tummy sick still. I lied in bed and decided to message Sam.

I told him that we saw two pterodactyls riding a giraffe today at sea. He said I know how to make a man sad.

He asked about how I was feeling and said to let him know if there’s anything he can do.

I said he can read to me his lobster and narwhal story.

He said he thinks that can be arranged.

He then pasted the introduction poem to his story. He said he’ll read it to me soon.

I read the poem and it was fantastic. I really enjoyed it.

I got up to go to the bathroom, and felt wetness dripping down my leg. Holy shit. I didn’t realize he turned me on that much.

I went to bed just thinking about him. Fantasizing about how he might make advances with me.

Today, some of us went on a guided walking tour. I came home early because I was still sick. I was surprised to see Sam on the balcony (with Julia and …Brittany perhaps?)

I talked to them a bit. I asked if he was there to read to me but he laughed.

I went to clean up my bed so I can lie down for a bit. I heard him say that he was gonna get going. What. I was disappointed.

He came over to my door near the bathroom to say goodbye. Didn’t come very close..but at least he said goodbye. He said he hopes I’m back to myself again soon, and he’ll read to me soon.

I thought, wtf why don’t you read to me now? I need this now, while I’m sick!

But I said, Ok, and flashed a cute and shy smile. So did he.

I adore him and I adore his talents, and I think now it’s clear that we both like each other. At the same time I now completely question my ability to judge people’s fondness of each other. I never saw Pia and Brian coming. I never saw Fred and Rebecca coming either. Even AFTER knowing that they have hooked up! And while I haven’t seen Sam and Michelle together, they probably have. Who knows.

Where he has or not hooked up with others, I strongly feel that I have a hold on him. I think he really likes me.

I thought of the things he’s said.
Like when I said I liked how he said “doctor”. He was so thrilled and said he wanted to just say that word for two days.

One time he said he like Robert’s sense of humour. It brightened his day. I said, Aww…he’s your sunshine? Then he said he liked me cheery walk, it brightened his day. I said Am I your sunshine too? He agree I think. Then I said, you are my…bird shirt. He said, at least I’m something to you.

One time I said I have never had met a guy with a bird shirt, the day he wore a bird shirt. He was thrilled. Later when he came over for dinner, he cut the onion into a bunny shape. When he was leaving, I said, Thanks for cutting the onion into a bunny shape! He said, No one has ever said that to me!

The fact that he cut the onions into a bunny shape! He has to like me, right? He wanted to know if I kept it. He was thrilled that I took a photo and even named it Bunion! He laughed. When he was over he mentioned it again. He obviously like it a lot.

I know these are small things. But I feel that there’s mutual desire to espress to each other that we like and care about each other.

When I showed him my bunny Pom Pom and the giraffe, I can see he was thinking that Alex gave them to me. I said, My friend made the giraffe for me. He cautiously didn’t assume gender.

When I commented on Brian changing in front of his window, Sam fell silent. Or when I laugh at other people jokes. I think I felt his jealousy.

Sometimes he deliberately ignores me and talks to Robert. Maybe it’s his British way to act the opposite of what he feels, so as to hide it. I hope that goes away. Usually he is pretty sweet to me.

I want alone time with Sam. But I feel that he’ll make it impossible. I think he does respect the fact that I have a boyfriend.

I want him to read to me in a private setting though! Just me and him. In bed. Not with other people.

I want to get to know his mind. I’m curious about him.

I want us to be closer. And be good to each other.

My stomach didn’t feel so great after dinner last night. Dunno if it’s the meal that Robert cooked or my chicken, or the watermelon that Sam brought.

I felt so depleted all day!

I hardly ate.

In the afternoon, I said yes to Dan’s invitation to dinner. Right after me, Sam said yes. That was a nice surprise. But at the same time, it hurts to know that he (possibly) hooked up with Michelle at some point.

It didn’t work out very well tonight. He came, I was still working, and he just ignored me and talked to Robert for ten minutes. Didn’t ask how I was doing. I walked away midway through his story.

I think I acted a little bit worse than I felt. I wasn’t sure about him anymore. Alex is my love. My bunny is there for me.

Sam tried to show compassion later on. We chatted for a bit in the hallway. Robert was going out to jazz. I was partly hoping that Sam would stay. But there’s no way. He didn’t even wait for me to finish the story. He felt that he had to leave with Robert, even though he wasn’t going to jazz.

People are starting to pair up. Brian and Pia – what an unexpected pairing. Rebecca and Fred – another unexpected pairing!

It would be very painful to see Michelle and Sam pair up. But it could very well happen. I need to be prepared for it.

This is a potentially hard situation! Living with a group of people for a month. Hot bed for relationships and/or hookups. And jealousy.

It could go well or go badly for either a single person or an attached person.

Think about Merling. She was having a great time with Brian. I wasn’t sure if Brian knew that she was attached. Either way, it’d suck for Brian when Merling’s boyfriend visits us. But not so fast! He hooked up with Pia two days ago! Just before Merling comes back! What a turn of events!

Dear God, I know you have my best interest in heart. I know you love me. And I love you.

I want to have a happy memory here. I want to go back to Alex happily too, without guilt. Basically, I want to have some platonic fun with Sam. Some special moments. Know that we like each other but don’t need to act on it.

But it’s ok if we don’t. I don’t want to share my Amazon info with him anyway, haha.

But I’d love to have fun on the safari with him. I don’t want my mood to be ruined. I want it to be amped.

 

Pia snuck out of the bedroom last night and didn’t come back ’til around 5am this morning. I was very confused.

Now I learned that she was cuddling with Brian last night! Omg!

I’m happy for them, though a bit sad for her boyfriend back home. Though they are not in the committed stage yet anyway.

She brought me the sad news though….she said it’s the most hook-up chapter ever…I asked who else? She said Rebecca and Fred, and Michelle and Sam. Whaaat!

I did see Michelle totally going after Sam. And part of me knows that he wanted to meet someone and likely will, and could break my heart that way.

Pia said she doesn’t know for sure, just that Michelle went to his place when Kevin and his gf Michelle were away.

Just when I thought Sam really liked me. Sigh. But I can’t blame him. He is single and wants to meet someone. I’d never hook up with him.

It does make me sad, but at the same time I feel that he likes me a lot. I am magical in ways that Michelle will never be.

Yesterday Robert cooked us dinner. Me, Sam, and Ashley. It was fun. Sam asked how I’d like the onions cut. I said, into the same of bunnies. And he did that.

Later he asked if I kept it cuz he couldn’t find it. I didn’t keep it (it’s a fucking piece of onion!). It was just somewhere on the counter haha. But I did take a picture. I sent it to him this morning and told him I named it Bunion. He sent me the laugh-cry and heart-eyed emoticons.

It felt weird to do it as that’s something only couples would do.

Alex hasn’t been the funnest or in an attractive state, and that makes us weak for sure.

Sam is super funny. I laugh so hard each time I see him. For the first time in my life, looks are totally not a concern here. He looks more attractive now than in the beginning for sure.

Ugh, just now I saw that Michelle is coming to the safari with us. I fear that it’s not going to be as fun a weekend as I hoped. He likely didn’t reject her when she went to his place, otherwise she wouldn’t still want to come to the safari.

I’m glad that Pia told me though. I don’t want to be a fool and still flirting with him. I will just be awesome and attractive.

I will try my best to not let that bother me. He is my lobster.

We are all independent and we can’t rely on people much. I can sort of count on Robert and Pia and Berta and Kent.

I like that Robert has a girlfriend. I’m not interested in him but I like him. Perhaps him and I can stick together as the only “taken” ones. We might be the only platonic and innocent ones here.

This is definitely an experience. I will never let Alex go to China on his own now haha.

At the same time, I will visualize Sam and I working out well, in a magical way. And an incredible weekend at the safari. And a great time in this chapter overall!

I know that he likes me. I’m quite certain that he would’ve tried if I were single. He notices and remembers little things about me. He is nicer and nicer to me.

 

I think about him a lot today as I worked. In “How I met your mother”, a lobster is someone you want but can never have.

I want him to invite me to his place. I want him to take me out on a date.

We’ll just have fun. No physical contact.

He wants to find someone, clearly. And who knows. He might. Then I won’t be able to do the above with him.

But I’ll have faith that things will turn out as I hoped or even better.

We’ll adore each other. We’ll treat each other well. We’ll laugh lots and have an amazing time together!

Oh my, what a fun day today.

Well, let’s start with last night. It was Kevin’s birthday. For some reason I avoided Sam. I was tired of making so much effort to get closer to him. Also I realized that everyone loved him too and that made me not want to make such a big effort.

We went out to dance. I looked good in makeup, black tank, dark grey warp skirt and long wavy blond hair.

Kent was really nice to me as usual. He got me some jager. I have to say I was hooked. I did not feel tired at all! And I woke up feeling pretty awesome!

The music was fun. The band was very talented. The “DJ” was playing from his laptop as well beating drums. The other two members were playing all sorts of musical instruments I’ve never seen.

Sam joined us at La Parada later on. I avoided him a bit. I didn’t like that Michelle was all over him. I’m not the only person who thought he was funny. Many people are attracted to him. Guys and girls.

I’ve never been so attracted to someone who isn’t very good looking. But he is so funny. I’m laughing so hard when with him. He makes me wonder if I should find someone who makes me laugh this hard all the time.

So today, we went wine tasting. I ignored him again. But, when we had to hop on buses, I made sure that I got on the same bus as him. It’s always fun when he is there.

We were a big group of 50 people! Half are Wifi Tribe, half are from all over. Some were from Nomad meetup group.

We laughed lots on the bus. A non-triber was on the bus with us, so we asked to hear his life story. It turned out to be painfully detailed. But we had fun mocking him lol.

When he said he was from Black Forrest, Germany, Sam asked if it was enchanted and if it had tiny pterodactyls. He was referencing the trip we took to the botanical garden. We call many of the sites “enchanted”, including the toilets. He had asked me something about my favorite thing to ride I think. I said a pterodactyls. It was another fun day. Of course only I got the joke. So I felt special.

We had 3 wineries today. At the first one, Sam and Robert sat together and I sat across from them. I ended up talking to Sam the most. We were bored with drinking and noticed that there was an inflated castle nearby. We left our bags with Robert, and we went to play on the castles.

It was honestly the funnest part of the day. We were like two little kids. We went through all of the inflated structures. At the end we were racing towards the finshing point. We play fought a bit, trying to slow each other down. He grabbed my waist and pulled me down. I can’t remember what I did to him. I didn’t do much because I didn’t want to flirt. But it was super fun.

I can’t believe we were spending time together like this. I really like him. And I think he likes me too.

There was a market too. I bought a box of 29 magic tricks. It was R200 but the guy made me laugh so much I had to buy it. Also I wanted to learn how to do those tricks!

I think I thoroughly entertained the bus by showing them the magic trick box I bought. Haha. I love myself. I’m so fun and unique ahaha.

The second winery was beautiful. It’s a resort hotel at the same time. It has beautiful chandeliers and barrels. Sam, Ashley and I stood around the wine barrel and sipped wine. We laughed so much. Every wine reminded Sam of a lover or a sailor or some forbidden love. Hahah. I can’t help but wonder if he was referring to us. I wonder if he knows that I have a boyfriend. I think he does.

Ashley mentioned that Robert had guessed that she was 33. I told them that I was 37. Sam was quite surprised. But nothing changed, I don’t think. He liked me more if anything. It seemed. (But later tonight I learned that he is 26! Holy shit. Not sure what to think of that. I know we can never work with this age gap. Then again, we can’t work just anyway. I have Alex.)

We hung out in the courtyard for a bit. Sam and I looked at a tree and I dared him to climb it. He actually did! But it was hard to climb. I jumped up to try to reach the chestnuts. He run-jumped and reached them. Said they were pretty securely attached. Ahahah.

He poked my waist and said I was bad influence on him, that I made him do bad stuff. I realized just now that he does do a lot of things I dare/ask him to. I guess that shows he likes me. That made my day.

We spent so much time together, at one point Sam said he wanted to socialize with other people a bit even though they all looked boring. I didn’t really care to. None of them looked interesting. None were cute. But makes sense that he wanted to do that.

We sat together again for lunch but didn’t talk much.

On the way to the third place, everyone was tired. Even Kent fell alseep! Robet was sitting beside me, awake. I was feeling fine. Sam and Fred were falling asleep beside us.

We got to the third place. There was a giant oak tree there. Sam said it would be fun to climb it. He refers a lot to our day at the botanical park where we climbed a tree and talked about pterodactyls and land whales. He either has a great memory or thinks back a lot to that day.

I noticed he said I was naughty a few times. It sounds extra scandalous when he says it, in his British accent.

We didn’t sit together at the third place, but we were again in the same bus on the way back. He sat by the driver. I sat behind him.

I was having a ton of fun. Wine didn’t make me tired today! I got a giant white balloon, I was joking around with everyone in the bus. I talked to the girl beside me with very unique eyes.

We made a pitch stop at a grape field for some photo ops. I took my balloon out and pretended to be Instafamous. Sam took a picture of me. He took pictures of me when I was running down towards him (unknowingly) earlier today too.

As I hugged the balloon in the car, Pia joked about what would happen if the window was closed and the helium balloon was popped. We’d all have high pitched voice!

Moments later, my balloon suddenly popped! Aww. Window was open though. No one was making high pitch sounds haha.

Sam turned around to talk to me. It was a very cute conversation. He asked questions that I think one would only ask if they like the person. He asked me things like, what’s utopia for you. Asked if I like lobsters again. I remembered that he wrote a story about a lobster and a narwhal being best friends. I asked if that’s why he likes Robert so much. He said (I think) that he meant me being the narwhals. And asked if I like narwhals. I said, sure, they have the horn. And we both said, “Like a sea unicorn!” and laughed. Considering how little time we’ve spent together, we are starting to make quite a few of the same jokes.

He said the horn is used to break ice. We joked about how the horn is used to make mojitos and to help the narwhal make friends.

I love having this type of conversations with him. Oh and I told him about my idea of us being immortal and living with amnesia. He just listened intently.

I felt like we were having a date. Except once in a while I’m reminded we are not alone when Pia would join our conversation ahaha.

Oh and I asked him what Utopia is like for him. He said probably like the Beach, that movie about living together in a secret society. I immediately said something about how the girl cheated on her bf in the group and that would ruin things.

Gosh I want to spend more time with him. He had quit his job and and is going to sell on Amazon! He is going to Canton Fair in April. He seems to have no financial worries. Not sure why. Maybe his family has money.

But he is only 26. What a shock.

Sam is rare. Pretty sure he is full of issues though. I remember the second time we met, I commented on his perfect teeth. He said yeah but I’d rather have bad teeth that can be fixed than other issues. I wonder what it is. Someone who meditates so much probably has something.

But, I’d love to be with someone who makes me laugh all the time.

Maybe Sam and I can be good friends. I just want to spend time with him and have his affection and attention. And laugh lots together. I have that need for physical contact and affection from someone. In this group, he is the best, so I want it from him. It brings me more joy than anything…to have the love and affection from someone I adore.

I hope Alex gets funnier as he becomes more relaxed and catches up on sleep! I’m sure he can be nurtured.