Month: May 2018

Justin turned 28 yesterday. We had a surprise party for him.

In the morning, Debbie and I went for a run, did some strength training, and I swam a couple laps.

I wanted to feel better from Sam’s bad news. But still I felt a little bit bad.

Sam had promised me a scooter lesson. He asked me when I’d like to do it. I said 3pm. Then changed it to 4pm. Then I said how about let’s chat. He said, how about 5pm-ish.

He doesn’t reply to my messages right away, and prioritizes in a way that makes me feel like I’m not a priority. But he was on-time, early, at least.

I need to keep in mind that sometimes he comes across as very selfish, but sometimes, he is very selfless and generous and eager to improve.

I went to his room. I had some questions for him. Deep questions. He was lying in bed, with partially trimmed hair. His hair clipper had run out of battery so he can’t finish the job. He didn’t want to get up because his hair looked awful haha.

He didn’t seem to be in the mood for deep questions, so we just kissed a bit.

I asked him how much he loves himself. He really liked that question. Said he didn’t love himself enough.

He didn’t really want to make out. He wanted to do acroyoga. Either he was getting too turned on or his mind was on his ex.

We chatted for a while then we went downstairs to get ready for Justin’s surprise party. I went to change into a mermaid. Oh and he asked me to come for  a sleep over that night. I thought it would be fun. I think I was hoping for that. My dreams do come true.

When I arrived, everybody loved my costume. Sam really really liked it. He wanted to wear my rainbow hair and my mermaid pants.

The party was fine. I rubbed glitter on everyone. When I got to Justin, Julia came by and said, “What the hell are you doing?” Ahahhaha. It was her man!

Debbie made braigadeiro (incredible chocolate balls that melt in your mouth), and a cake. Amazing! But no one helped her today and at one point she cried in the shower to me. She was getting ready for shower and she asked me to stand by the bathroom while she cried and ranted to me while bathing. It’s kinda endearing. She is so pure. I’m glad she is my roommate. I’m learning from her, even though she is only 21.

At one point I noticed that Sam was gone. I was pretty bored too and wanted to leave. But I waited for people to head out.

Kumar borrowed a cigarette and asked me to jump on his back for a photo to send to his mom (to shock her). So I did. Just as I hopped on, Sam walked downstairs. Haha. A lil awkward.

He was gonna go to the gym, then get some food, then we’ll do our sleep over. He said about 1.5 hours. That’s an improvement from him in reporting haha. He asked if I needed something to eat, I said no.

He sent me a photo of him while at the gym, then asked me again if I needed something. I said, ice cream!

I went to get some work done, then when he was back, he had two kinds of ice cream! I appreciated that.

We sat on the balcony boat in his villa, and looked at the stars. He wanted us to go on a trip together with Christa and Nate.

We got back to his room and he wanted to wear my mermaid outfit. I applied my photographer talent and some pictures turned out great! He was so thrilled, he posted them up on FB as his profile pic, and was obsessed over who liked his photo lol. Rebecca recognized that those were my pieces, and said, You’ve gone inside Tanya’s suitcase again! (How did she even know about the suit case, and that I have a mermaid costume??)

We fooled around a bit. At one point he got me to touch his dick. It was so small! Omg…It was….very disappointing. Sigh.

To make things worse, he was very bad at pleasing me. He hardly did. I had to tell him to kiss my neck again and again. He barely touched my body. He didn’t play with my boobs.

Eventually we went to sleep. The cuddles were nice. He was very still this time. I couldn’t sleep though. I told him I’m gonna masturbate. He moved away. He was surprised that I actually did. But he didn’t touch me or anything. I felt the whole thing was bizarre.

When I got up to use the bathroom, he was concerned that I was leaving. I can’t remember what else he said during the night…but it was endearing. He seems to vulnerable and wanting to be a good person and wanting love and be loved. He is so scared to get hurt.

The next day (today), he got me to touch his tiny penis again, and he came. He went to take a shower and asked me to join. I said no.

I was topless and he didn’t touch or comment on my breasts. Why the fuck would I be naked with him?

I said I was gonna leave. He sensed that something was wrong. I told him that I’ve never met someone who is this self-serving in bed.

He felt really bad. He said that he was not emotionally there, because he is still hung up on his ex.

I decided to tell him that, I had wanted to find out more about their relationship before I give advice, but the true is, I already know everything. I told him that he is justifying keeping in touch with his ex by saying that it helps him heal and grow. The reality is that he’ll grow and heal much faster if he stopped talking to her.

Surprisingly, he said, You’re right. I’ll stop talking to her.

He said he’ll be more present during making out. He’ll kiss me all over and he’ll find out what my fave ice cream is. He kept apologizing.

I said that’s already the past and it doesn’t matter. What’s important is that he stops talking to his ex. He agree to it again. We’ll see if he follows through!

Last night, he wanted to know why I wear skimpy outfits and wanted to get to the bottom of it. This morning, I brought it up again, that loving yourself is important; more important than being perfect. And that when one doesn’t love himself enough, he’ll keep trying to fix himself, and people around him. He could just embrace them the way they are.

It made him think. He really likes it when we have an educational and insightful conversation like this.

Oh and at one point, he said he is scared. Scared of falling in love with me, scared of getting hurt, scared of me getting hurt.

But at some point, he said, I love you. I laughed awkwardly for a brief moment, then I thought, maybe he meant the generic love. So I said, I love you too, and hugged him.

He also wanted to stare into each other’s eyes. we did that for a bit. Not sure if I felt anything.

He wanted to teach me to ride a bike for 10 minutes. I really appreciate that. He is sweet that way. We did it for about half hour. I’m still not good, but he was pretty thoughtful.

He told me his agenda for the day, which was driving far away to buy a camera and to get his phone fixed. Then he went to play soccer.

I didn’t see him all day until 9pm, when Jason taught us to save money online. We didn’t really talk. I stroked his back gently at some point. He made a joke about visiting the site sexyspacegiraffe.com. Everyone laughed, but only I know it was referring to me.

I went back to V3 to work. I forgot my water bottle and went back to villa3. Saw all the girls flirting with him. He did say that the whole Tribe seems to be in love with me and him.

We didn’t really talk. I wish we would be closer. Only 4 weeks left.

I hope he follows through on stop talking to his ex. I hope we have a great 4 weeks together!

I hope that he is consistently warm and loving and caring towards me, and improving each day.

I woke up at 5am today. I decided to message Sam that I adore him and other nice things. He didn’t reply, which made breakfast at their villa awkward to me. I asked him to reply at least. He replied with some nice things and said that we should chat today.

Sam and I went to acroyoga today at Udara. Udara was so beautiful. I wasn’t so impressed by Yoga Barn at Ubud, but this place really impressed me. It felt like a piece of heaven. Ocean view, giant animal sculptures, and grand spaces. Entry and acroyoga jam is free, but membership would be $15 per day.

Sam was pretty good at first. He was very enthusiastic and somewhat affectionate. We stopped for gas, and the lady said I was beautiful. Awww! At acroyoga, someone said I was beautiful too. Yesterday, at the waterfall, a bunch of guys gave Sam a thumbs up because they thought I was hot. That’s been very uplifting.

He rode very fast as he is now very comfortable. But we went to the wrong beach. He rode even faster. It was a bit frightening but was fun. I think we were going at 80km/h

We got to Udara. Met Zak and Jane. I was amazed by how gorgeous the place was.

We started out alright. But Sam quickly got frustrated (I think). He stopped trying. Said he was tired. Sometimes I don’t understand nor like his odd behaviours.

We did improve though. And acroyoga is rather fun.

We went to lunch. I said I wanted to eat by the beach. He tried hard to satisfy me. But then he wanted to split the bill. I said I didn’t like that. I prefer that one person pays once and the other person pays another time. So he did that. I was a little bit pissed still.

We sat down and he wanted to talk about how I feel, again. How do you like the tribe? The villa? I said I feel trapped, but I do like it. How you feel about us? I said I like that I’m taking it slow.

What do you want to happen between us? I said I don’t know. I’m still getting to know you.

I asked him how he felt about us. He thinks we have a connection, but he doesn’t think we are compatible to be together long term.

He said he is still not over his ex. Sigh.

He thinks they can still grow together and teach each other lots of things.

I was sad. Because there’s not much I can do about this. I was sad that he does not see us compatible long term. Even though I was having doubts about us too.

I wanted him to love me more than I love him.

He worries about our age gap. He worries about my short temper. Sigh.

I hate that I have a temper. I feel that I’ve been scaring guys away.

We talked some more, and I suggested dating for 5 weeks. He thought about it and said yes.

At some point we started kissing. He stopped because he said he was to turned on.

As we left and I hopped on his bike, something I said about him not being very kind to people without the independence really got him. He started second guessing this 5-week relationship. He said something about that we bring out the bad side of each other also. It was very confusing. He said he didn’t want to hurt me. I did not follow this thought pattern.

We went back. We talked in his room for a bit. I tried to convince him that it’s still a good idea. We made out a bit. But there were tons of people talking outside of his bedroom. He was nervous about it. Sigh.

I left and went to la Laguna with everyone.

I wanted to stay home and work, but I did want to see la Laguna’s beauty, and get dinner. We didn’t stay out too late anyway.

My mind was still on Sam. I felt a bit sad but at the same time knew it was for the best.

We migrated to the lawn at some point, and Zak and I did some acroyoga. Filipa and I did some headstands! It was fun actually! And Zak was a better base than Sam haha.

Sam asked if I was enjoying la Laguna. I sent him photos and told him about the lawn activities. He didn’t reply ’til later. Said he was glad that I had fun and sweet dreams and wished that I dream about the giant turtle we saw today. Called me a Christmas giraffe.

I called him a Thanksgiving wombat.

He said, You’re pretty cool, and thew me a kiss.

That was meh.

---

I talked to Masha about Javier and Sam. Javier is just as dumb, talking to his ex, unable to fully appreciate the person in front of him.

I have a theory about Sam.

He was new a love so he was very devoted. She was crazy so the ups and downs caused him to love her even more.

He is finding all sorts of ways to be like her, such as getting into healing.

He is finding all sorts of ways to excuse himself for continuing this “friendship” with her. In the name of growth and healing, he keeps talking to her. In the name that relationships are not binary, he wants to have new relationships while keeping this one alive.

How fucked up.

I want to make sure I don’t say these thing to him. Instead, he needs to say these things himself.

Do you think she is helping your broken heart heal? Do you think that’s her interest?

Do you think you are seeking for ways to heal, or you simply want to have a common subject to discuss with her?

Do you think she cannot succeed without your help? Do you think she won’t be able to publish a book if you stopped talking to her?

Do you think your relationship with her might hinder you from developing deep connections with someone?

Do you think your friendship with her is toxic in any way?

Anyway, these are questions that I could ask. But honestly, I’m losing interest in him.

I wanted to do my best, because I thought he could be an amazing boyfriend. I wanted to give us a chance, because I thought he was emotionally available.

Now I know he is an unstable person with a ton of emotional baggage.

What do I want going forward?

I want him to be over his ex asap. I want him to fall harder for me than for his ex. I want him to love me deeply.

I want us to have lots of sincere and loving fun, as exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend, then we go our separate ways at the end of the 5 weeks lovingly.

 

It’s our second weekend here, and first weekend as a whole Tribe. We planned a day trip to Ubud, setting off at 8:30am.

Sam came over in the morning, asking if I’m coming with him and Jason. They wanted to leave early.

He has no patience for the group. He thinks that they will take forever to leave.

He wasn’t wrong. I wish he had more of a group mentality and leadership quality, but it’s true, the group took forever, went to the swing and waited for Debbie to get her pics taken (for $35USD). It wasn’t as good a time.

Early in the trip, 20 minutes into our drive, Jason wiped out and scraped himself badly. Ouch!

We stopped at a pharmacy and dressed his wounds. The staff was a nurse so that was helpful. I helped too.

Sam was helpful from a distance. He stood near the front of the store and looked at his phone.

When Jason was limping, Sam didn’t walk with him. He took off and left me with Jason. He is impatient.

We went to Hubud which was a pleasant co-working space made of bamboo!

We then went to the Yoga Barn. It was beautiful, like a retreat, a sanctuary for those who need to be healed. Sam loved the place. He wanted to take every class they offer there!

I didn’t feel as excited, but I do love the place. I don’t know what I’m excited about at the moment. Maybe I’m still a bit numb from the breakup. It helps that I’m a bit numb, because otherwise it would’ve been so hard to be just friends with Sam.

While we were at the Yoga Barn for a drink, Sam suddenly wanted to explore on his own, leaving Jason and I there. It was annoying because we wanted to explore too.

I noticed that he was always eager to leave the group to explore on his own. Or to just leave (sometimes without saying goodbye).

We then all met up at the Elephant Forest. It was beautiful! The monkeys were ok, not too vicious. The trees were huge and old. There were many curious and hilarious and stylish stone sculptures. They remind me of Oatmeal’s drawings!

I got bitten by a little monkey. It was fun petting it, but it then tried to eat my finger. No punctured wounds, but it did hurt quite a lot.

All the girls came to see if I was ok. Sam was standing nearby but didn’t see it. He didn’t react to it when all the girls came to me either.

He came over later on to give me my helmet because he was going to lunch with Kevin and Zak. Wtf. I said, Just don’t leave me without a ride. He said something about there being other people who can ride. I really dislike it when he has to go off on his own, even when there was no benefit.

I feel that to be with him, I have to be super independent.

At lunch, I learned about Alex’s waterfall adventure earlier in the day, so I looked up a waterfall nearby, and we decided to go there. Sam was tired and didn’t want to go. I gave him a shoulder massage and he agreed to go.

It turned out to be a beautiful place! It was refreshing.

We rode home in the dusk and at night. It took maybe an hour and a half. He was tired. During the ride, I tried to massage him when possible. He touched my thigh seductively at one point and it turned me on. Gosh I wish we can be a couple.

---

I’ve learned a bit more about Sam today. I really didn’t like some things about him, but I need to consider his great qualities too.

Great qualities:

1. He is trying to improve
2. He is very aware of my emtions
3. He is honest
4. He wants to have good communication with me
5. He has a good heart

We had a few sexy moments today when he bought a new Hawaiian shirt and asked if I like it. I had a bit of a deja vu moment (second time now in Bali) and felt that he had the shirt already.

He bought it and asked me again if it looks sexy on him. I said yes. He asked how sexy. I said, “Ridiculously sexy.” and touched his chest seductively. I whispered, “Makes me want to rip it off you and throw it on the floor and stomp on it.” We laughed.

Oh and when Jason, Sam, and I were at Barong’s for breakfast, I told them about the Lawn. I showed them a video, and he saw the guy at the end and asked who that was. I said, that’s a guy named Sam. He was Canadian. He was immediately jealous. I was a little surprised because sometimes I forget just how attracted he is to me.

When I said Berta and I met two guys. He was like, “Met??” Told him about the other Sam and he said he does not like this Canadian Sam. Aww, that’s cute. Told him about the guy putting his hand on my thigh, he was like, Were you flirting? I said, no, I don’t flirt! He started climbing onto me pretending to be me and showing that it was how I’d flirt. I screamed and laughed and said, I don’t every flirt! Just like you! We laughed.

I can’t remember how, but at some point I made him lick my thigh. He did. And he said to Jason, I hope we didn’t make you uncomfortable. Jason was fine. He said something funny like, “I like to flirt” ahha.

—

I know he is not perfect. I know I’m not. But there’s still potentials for us to be a great couple, I think. I will try my best at least.

I think I’ll compliment him more on the things I like about him. I’ll be playful to keep the spark. I’ll be my fun and smart self.

It’s hard to believe sometimes that I’m with Sam. It was what I was hoping for for so long in Cape Town. And now we are doing it! It’s exciting times!

On the first day, I was so excited to see him. We had fun playing in the pool with the inflated duck. Later that day, I was worried that he was gonna go for Debra. But a little bit relieved that Debra has a boyfriend. At the same time, sad that Sam may have been flirting with her.

Then him and I hardly got to hangout because he was out all the time, on his own. I was mad because I thought maybe he was out looking for other girls, Tinder dates like last time. I was mad because I thought we’d get to spend more time together.

One day when he was out all day again, and no one (but Kumar) knew where he was, I checked his room and I messaged him. He was out at a gym and having fun. I was so pissed.

After he got back, he noticed that I was upset. He tried to find out what was wrong. I felt that I was thinking of him as my boyfriend and expecting too much, so I said, “Nothing. It’s fine.”

He was persistent in finding out why I was upset. I appreciated that.

All of us went to dinner at Deus. He was sitting on one end of the table. I chose to sit on the other end.

I sat by Kumar and he was telling me stories and making me laugh. At one point Sam came over to try to talk to me. I still couldn’t budge. I didn’t know what to say to him.

We went to a beach party. He stopped me at the entrance and wanted to go for a walk. At one point he sat on a log and invited me to sit on his lap.

We talked but I had nothing to say about me being mad at him. I felt that if he didn’t want to spend time with me, then what was the point in expecting him to act like a boyfriend and getting upset about his absence.

But he seemed to really want to communicate. I can’t remember where we left off, but we were distracted by my purse taking a swim with the waves lol. Thank God I got it back! There was $2MM IDR in there, and my phone. My phone now complains about moisture, but it’s functioning normally, whew!

I didn’t tell him how I feel about him, but I was happy to have some alone time with him.

That night he said we should talk more. I said ok.

He tried to meet up with me the next day at 10am, but I didn’t get the messages! It was day-changing for me. I thought he couldn’t find time to meet. I was sad all day.

He did get me the rice for my phone though! So I wasn’t completely mad at him.

That night we had our first big dinner as a whole tribe.

We arrived at the same time. We pretended to fight over the last chair. I threw him off the chair haha. But I helped him get a bench. But I was still a bit cold towards him.

I warmed up a bit at dinner. Kumar fought really hard to save him the last seat that wasn’t by Kevin.

Ever since Sam told me that Kevin grabbed his nuts to ruin his good mood and his dancing, I was so mad at Kevin and I can’t talk to him.

At night, I read Sam’s messages again, and discovered ones that I missed!, I realized that he had tried very hard to talk to me and spend time with me that day. I said let’s hang out soon.

The next day he went to a healer. Worked at a cafe, went to a gym etc etc. I didn’t see him all day. At night, we were on the couch alone for a sec. He said, Do you want to go to the beach and talk?

We scootered off to a beach. We saw an elephant mermaid statue! We took some chairs and sat by the waters. I had to move my chair to his left and he laughed.

It was a bit hard, but I finally told him that I liked him a lot in Cape Town. I told him that I got really sad when I learned about him and Michelle. He told me what happened between them.

I told him it really hurt when I learned about his Tinder sex. He said he didn’t think he had a chance with me since I had a boyfriend.

I didn’t think that was the case, because he asked so much about my ideal boyfriend in South Africa.

After I finished my story and he finished clarifying, he told me that he was attracted to me too. He said he was happy when he’s with me. He felt that he didn’t know me very well however, and he wanted to get to know me more.

We agreed on this. We wanted to spend more time together. We wanted to take it slow and make sure we got it.

We hugged. We kissed each other on the back of the necks a tiny bit.

The air between us finally cleared. We now know we like each other!

—

The next night, we were on the couch together again, at Villa 2. The cigs were bothering me, so he suggested we go upstairs. He asked if I wanted to go to his room, but changed his mind. I said I wanted to see (his bathtub).

He has a very nice room! And a dinosaur egg shell bathtub.

We sat in his bathtub for a bit. We checked out his notebook biz. We did acroyoga in his room.

He was super tired, but we had fun. He said I was welcome to spend the night. I said no.

I was leaving at 3am. but the villa’s door was locked! I went back upstairs and spent the night with him.

We cuddled like a normal couple, which was nice. He was jittery in the beginning of the night though. A little bit weird.

In the middle of the night, he woke up from a weird dream about sausages. He also looked at me in such a weird way, as though he didn’t know who I was. It scared me a bit. He said he is strange like that…but was assured that everything was ok once he realized where he was and who  I was.

—

We woke up the next day (Wednesday, May 9) and planned out the day. He said let’s meet at 2pm. It was our first “date”.

It was fun!

We went to get me a SIM card, we checked out Dojo, we checked out a bunch of massage places and got a lunch at Savage, a beautiful restaurant, then we had a Balinese massage.

It was quite good! Our massage tables were side by side. I held his hand at some point. He held mine.

At one point we had to sit up and my blanket almost fell. I covered myself because we are not there yet. Hopefully we’ll get there soon.

As we woke up from the massage, we looked at each other with sultry eyes. He got up first to get changed, and he kissed me on the lips! His lips were so soft.

We had a fun day!

We came back and changed. I wore my brunette wig and everyone loved it. Sam didn’t say anything but I can tell he wanted to. We went back to his room so I can grab my backpack, he said he liked my wig. And he wanted to take a picture of us in front of his bedroom mirror. It was cute.

We had sushi for dinner because we couldn’t find the rest of the gang.

We were gonna ride to join Justin’s drum performance, but it was too far.

Hmm…I can’t remember what happened after…I think we just went to bed.

—

Yesterday (Thursday May 10)

I missed the morning breakfast outing, so I tagged along with Sam to el Passo.

We worked side by side for most of the day. It was fun and somewhat productive.

At 2pm, he was going to the gym, so he took me home.

I worked with Berta, Debbie, Jason and Zac by the pool for a bit.

Sam appeared with some smoothies suddenly.

Then he asked for a favour. He asked that I step on his back. We did that on the grass and managed 3 cracks!

I liked that he openly showed that we are closer. He knows that Debbie knows anyway. And probably Berta too.

Then we did some acroyoga! It was cute. I liked being physically close to him like that. Sometimes we stare into each other’s eyes.

He was gonna do one more, with me putting a foot on his thigh. Then he suddenly said no let’s do it another day. I “feel” that it was because he got a hard on. Haa. I hope it was.

Later I asked Berta about ring colours. She suggested that I ask Sam. He enthusiastically replied yes in Whatsapp.

At night Phai took me on a second scooter ride. Two hours, and I felt no significant improvement. Damn I’m so scared about getting hurt on a scooter! 🙁

Sam and Jason came back from their ecstatic dance. Sam was trying to make me feel better about riding, which was sweet. He was questioning Phai as he came in with Berta. I liked that he stood up for me.

I wish I was good at it already. I don’t like looking weak in front of him, and not being independent…

I felt quite discouraged about the scooter situation. At the same time, I felt more attracted to Sam. I stayed up late to write about us (above).

 

Today (Friday May 11)

Today has been a slow day. I woke up at 4ish, probably waken by the rooster. I did some light exercises. The view was beautiful, but the air was so smokey. They like to burn stuff here!

I did Brandon’s 5-hour webinar. It was very insightful! I was tired the whole time (don’t know why! Scooter lesson trauma?), but it was hard to sleep with all the construction noises.

Now it’s just me and Debbie in the bedroom. I’m glad she is here right now actually! She is always cheery and she is often around so I don’t feel like such a loner.

I haven’t seen Sam yet today. He is in the routine of meditation, work at the cafe, gym, then socialize. It’s a good routine.

Me, I haven’t got it quite figured out. Scooter makes it hard. Also, I guess there’s more distraction here.

I hope I get to see him everyday and spend lots of time together everyday. We didn’t today and it made me feel a bit insecure. But I think we should be fine. I need to manage my insecurities.

Playful, independent, nurturing, growing, sexy (PINGS). That’s what I aim for!

—

I really like it when Sam calls me “My Tanya”. And when he tries to spend time with me. He’s been putting the effort in, and I appreciate it.

We talked about this guy that he has a man-crush on. He is polyamorous. I remember we had a discussion about polyamory in Capetown Spincity co-working space. He said he can’t do it because he’d be jealous. I said it’s the future.

This topic came up again. He is not ready for it still. Me neither. But, I feel that he is growing so much, he just might eventually. I think about how it would be hard to lose him that way….unless I also grow in the same direction.

I feel that he is growing and changing so much I can hardly keep up. I feel so stagnant in comparison!

He talked about doing a sticker tattoo biz together. That could be fun. We’ll get to know each other better.

Well, I’ve been very excited and worried about the Bali Chapter.

Last night I arrived at 2am in Denpasar airport. Took a cab for 200K. It was a 40 minute drive. Driving through the city was very interesting. I loved it already. Something about the air. The stray dogs looked really cute too. They seem to want to be adapted.

Dile and Filipa were super nice. I adored them. They stayed up for me! They are the sweetest.

This place is stunning! The rooster outside was super annoying and I didn’t get very good sleep. Also I woke up to someone smoking, which really pissed me off this morning.

Met Andrew and Kumar. Kumar was surprisingly formal. Talked about love with Andrew.

Jason arrived. He’s been in Taiwan for 20 months and can speak Mandarin! He loved Taipei.

Then finally at 2pm, Sam arrived. We had an awkward hug where I wasn’t sure if I should put both arms under his.

He had a biz call soon, and was on the phone for forever. I felt anxious. I wanted more time with him before Debra came!

Finally he got off the phone. We were all in the kitchen for a while, talking. I got to have a deeper conversation with him. He’s done some mind blowing stuff he said. It’s interesting.

Later he went to the pool. I walked by and he saw me. We talked by the pool for a bit, and then we played in the water.

It was all pretty platonic. But at one point he tried to get on the rubber ducky while I was on it. I didn’t want to go along with it because there were other people by the pool. He flipped the ducky and we were both in water. That was the most sexual thing today.

He asked how I was. I said I was good. Same as before. Happy, but stressed. I said that I need to focus on my biz. He said him too, and proposed that we be accountability buddies. I like that. But deep down I didn’t think he would keep to it.

When I woke up this morning, I had a dream that he didn’t even spend time with me upon first seeing me, and walked away with some other girl. I was surprised when I woke up that it didn’t happen, that it was a dream.

Tonight, he went off to buy some food with Kevin. I asked for some food too. He didn’t come back ’til much later.

We did have some good quality time today, but overall I felt that this was progressing slowly.

The fact that Debra was coming, that cast a shadow. Ugh. I’m so insecure!

So finally at around 10pm, Berta and Debra came! She wasn’t as cute as the photo it seems, and is shorter, but she is still cute.

It’s weird. Sam was a bit more flirty with me after seeing Debra. But I think he finds her cute, no doubt. I feel that it’s impossible for him to have chemistry with anyone else, but with Debra, there’s a chance. Not as a couple, but as a fling.

But as a fling will hurt me pretty badly already.

Damn. What did I get myself into? Forget about Michelle. This is now. This is gonna hurt I think.

He was like, I want to go for a bike ride, and then asked if Debra likes riding bikes. Debra said no. But, he made her laugh and she touched his arm. I can’t stand this, so I went to bed.

I’m hearing them (Berta, Kent, Alex, Debra, and Sam) laughing and it hurts already.

In all honestly, I shouldn’t be with Sam, so whatever. But I wish he wouldn’t flirt with someone else in front of me. Not even a little bit.

Sigh. I don’t know what to do. I think I may have got myself into something terrible.

In my ideal world, Sam would be into me and me only. There’s no insecurity from either of us. We just have lots of fun. Maybe fun sex. But it would be sincere.

Fuck, I don’t even know what I want anymore. Do I want to be with him? I don’t know. He looked good this time. He’s lost some weight. He looks taller when Robert is not here. He laughs at my jokes. I laugh at his. We played today.

If Debra wasn’t here, I’d feel so much better. It would be paradise. But, what is this? Why is there always competition? Now it’s potentially hell. If she wants him, I feel that there’s no way I can compete.

Why? She is light-hearted, fun, young, exotic, new.

I’m wiser, more accomplished, funny, also exotic.

As much as I believe in my value, all that matters here is if he sees these values in me as important.

Would he want to date me? I don’t know. Does he think about our age gap as being too big? Does he see a future with me?

Honestly he’s met so many interesting people, it’s so hard to say.

I feel that, if he wants me he wants me. If he wants someone else there’s nothing I can do.

The question is,

 

 

Today is going to be a wonderful day!

It’s the first day of Phase 3 at Canton Fair. I will have a special, superhuman ability to pick out my next star products! 🙂

Luck is on my side. Energy in my stride.

I’m fun, confident, and a force to be reckoned with.

Brandon is my guide. Ying is on my team. Bali community is welcoming.

Life is wonderful. Feel the bliss in your life! Enjoy and be grateful! 🙂

You are beautiful and very much loved. You are wonderful and everyone loves you.