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Mixed feelings about today and life in general.

Sales were down to 35 today. Maps are no catching on after a VL campaign. I’m a bit worried. Ying’s containers aren’t making a lot of profits, but she is selling 10 a day without PPC ads!

I need to find a way to revive Knot Theory rings on Amazon, and sell lots maps! C’mon brain. You can figure this out!

Of course, best bet is getting Amazon Exclusives. Fingers crossed!

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Played in a Richmond volleyball tournament today with Elan, Mary, Jerrod, Tim, and Kelly. Got slaughtered. These teams were so good! Tim is really funny. Jerrod and Elan too actually. Elan is becoming more and more likeable. Though he hit me in the head today with a ball, by accident.

I didn’t play very well today. Sigh. I played ok at Fortius on Thursday though. I didn’t like Elan that much, but he was the one who invited me to both games!

The Richmond oval is amazing. It’s so big, so new, and full of activities.

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JL’s 24th today! He is so young. But he is so loveable and mature. I really like him. I like Kaelynn too. And Steve.

I took 2 Katy love pills before going. I also took 2 After Party Pal, and one after. I think they are all very helpful!

I did feel a bit more loving with the Katy love. And more alert. I also felt a lot less tired with the APP pills. I’m not sure if it was just one or the other that brought on those good feelings. I shall try again soon.

We played stack pong. It took me 5 drinks to learn the game, and I was a bit hammered.

JL and K’s place has the most gorgeous view. Even better than Alex’s! And their rent is $1400! On the 23rd floor.

Drinking and talking and playing that stack pong game was fun. After that, we went to Portside. I’ve been there before, when it wasn’t called that. There was a fashion show there. Way back when.

I’m definitely in a different place now. These things don’t interest me that much. We’ve gone clubbing 2 times together now….both times, no on hit on me. Is it because I look old? Is it because I’m Asian? Or is it because I look too hot? Haha. Either way I feel a little sad. Not that there were cute guys…but it seemed like every girl got hit on except for me. Even Steve.

I felt pretty good physically though. Those pills are good.

I felt that no one wanted to touch me. People keep a bit of a distance from me. Why is that?

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Alex is coming over tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it, but at the same time not too attracted to him anymore. I was very attracted to him on our first date, but…sigh. 1. too skinny, 2. old / older looking than I thought, 3. unsuccessful at 41 almost 42, which makes him seem pathetic at times, and 4. unambitious.

But he is great is many ways too. 1. Funny, 2. likes Sci-fi, 3. Tall (6 foot 1), 4. kind, 5. blue eyes, 6. touchy feely, 7. totally open-minded about my hair and thinks I’m gorgeous.

I did pray to God to give me a guy for the mean time. Someone I enjoy making out with, because it’s been so long. It’s been 6 months since Jeffrey. And, Alex is so much like what I prayed for. I wish he was a bit cuter I guess. Less scrawny. If he was less scrawny and more successful in his career venture (and has a career), he’d be perfect.

Why is he unsuccessful at 41 though? Not smart enough? Not skilled enough? Not lucky? Not resourceful? Wrong direction? Lacking certain traits such as follow-through or perseverance? I can’t tell yet. I’m quite sure I need a successful boyfriend though. I want to be a power couple together!

I want someone very good at marketing, and can help me market my products. Maybe I shall hire a marketer. A cute one haha.

 

Had a really fun first date with Alex yesterday!

Met him on OkC. I really didn’t plan on meeting anyone any time soon… in part because I feel like giving up, and in part because of all the travelling coming up.

He seemed like a normal and fairly good looking guy who likes sci-fi, and was very straight forward about setting up a date.

I met up with Julianna and her friend Shotty(sp?) for sushi, and they dropped me off at Soho Billiards for my first date like parents dropping off their kid first day at school.

I like how tall Alex is. 6’1. Perfect height. He is 41, but he is skinny and fairly youthful looking. There were no surprises in how he looked..he looked like the photos…maybe a bit cuter.

He wore a black leather jacket, jeans, and a blue plaid shirt.

I thought he was gonna be boring, because he was very concise on his messaging prior to the date. His profile was brief too. Said he had a great sense of humour, but there were no hints of that in his profile.

Turned out he really was a lot of fun. He was great at carrying a conversation, and he was a good listener. He was pretty good at pool, but he tried really hard to let me win. I was so bad at it that day for some reason.

He ended up playing with his left hand, with only one eye open, while standing on one leg. Haha.

I kept complaining about the game. How would you change it? He asked. I said, I would hit the balls directly, instead of hitting the white ball. So he let me do that 😀

Still he won. But we had a great time, and laughed so much. And all is not lost. I spotted two foosball tables, and we played 5 games of foosball – and I won! hahaha

He paid for everything. I was surprised it was $40.

So I offered to pay for Pour House. He was very polite and didn’t order much. I added some food and it came to $70ish plus tips and such. $86 I think. But that’s ok. (Just that the food tasted awful and the waiter was a bit rude.)

I really like him. And I want to be an equal couple.

He is an INFP-T, but he didn’t seem very introverted at all.

I like that he likes sci-fi, self-improvement, and has a good sense of humour. He likes trying new things. He has a youthful presence. He seems very gentle and sweet. Oh and very blue eyes…based on the photos. It’s hard to tell in person because we were in somewhat dark places all throughout the night.

I am a bit concerned that he has no high nor steady income. At 41, almost 42…he hasn’t got this sorted….

Sometimes he says incredibly stupid things about science…and I wonder just how smart he is. I’ve yet to find out.

His ideas of ventures are very small and limited. That can change though.

I wonder how talented, smart, and sincere he is. I wonder if we can be a power couple. I wonder if we can be a sweet couple.

He told me the plot of a sci-fi story he had in mind. There was a boy and a dog. I asked if the dog can be a giant rabbit. He was pretty good at going along with my “plot twists” on his story haha.

He walked me to the skytrain, and just as we arrived, he pulled me in for a kiss. That was pretty hot.

We kissed for a while. I had longed to kiss someone for months….finally! It was so nice. Exactly what I wanted. <3

We kissed passionately for probably 10, 15 minutes. The skytrain had shut down. Probably during our kiss haha.

I had to take a cab home. He shouted at the driver, “Drive safe!” So cute.

I got home at 1:30am. I was so turned on and filled with hormones I couldn’t sleep until sometime past 4am. I had two extremely good orgasms..and another one today.

Today I felt exhausted. Not sure if it’s because of the raging hormones.

He messaged me in the evening and invited me to his place on Wednesday. He’ll cook for me! I asked what, he said, scallops and bacon of course! I was so surprised that he remembered that being my fave!

Part of me am so worried about all the ways this might not work out….but part of me very excited. There’s potential at least!

Oh and I didn’t very clearly state that I have alopecia in my most recent profile. I just wanted a tame profile without saying too much, and that means saying just “alopecian” instead of going into details. It also meant removing all the fun photos, leaving just photos of me sitting in restaurants, etc. I don’t like having to have the alopecia conversation later on..but…that’s just the way it is.

One thing I learned about him is that he was a foster kid growing up. He had 3 brothers, and they are all foster kids. I’m interested to find out more.t

I really like that he doesn’t shy away from expressing himself. He was like, “I can’t wait to see you!” “I’m so excited!”

And he’ll download a sci-fi movie for us to watch. How amazing is that?

 

 

 

Things I can do to promote my beautiful scratch map:

1. VL – expensive (remember to set max to 1) $400 + 150*$13 = $2350
   1. If can sell $2350/15 = 156 then it’s break-even
2. Amazon Exclusives – need to wait 2 weeks to find out if doable
3. FB ads – might take time
4. FB video ads – need to make video; need to learn to do ads anyway
5. Contest: Grand prize: a trip?
6. Raise price to $37.5
7. Start VL. $2.63 each
8. Create and run FB ad, FB page; 50% off (2 days?)
9. Create video (3 days?)
10. Run FB video ad; 50% off (1 day)

 

After over 2 years of invisalign, my teeth are finally looking great!!

It didn’t even look this great in the morning. In the afternoon, Dr. Lam filed down some of my teeth, which made me “added” to my tooth that is too short – I didn’t even know it’s possible! And he did a great job.

I was so happy!

I’m thinking to give some gifts for everyone. Knot Theory bow ties, doggie bow ties, rings.

Jeffrey liked my “6 shades of Tanya” photo on FB at 1am today.

Strange, right?

This alone made me think about him way too much.

Why did he do it? Why at that time? Why that photo?

Part of me tries to think as little of it as possible. After all, I already decided that we will never happen and we won’t make a good couple anyway.

Part of me am thinking that he is missing me late at night, and wondered just how in love he is with his current gf. Or maybe he isn’t as loyal as I thought he is. Or maybe it’s an innocent like. Or maybe he is complex and just wants to make me feel better. Or maybe I am special, and he still wants me.

I really don’t know. But one thing is for sure. I won’t be visiting his FB page ever again.

Sigh. When can I find someone who loves me the way he does?

I miss his innocent face. I miss his sense of humour. I miss how outgoing he was on my birthday. I miss his kindness. I miss his generosity. I miss how he loved me.

But I know that at the time I wasn’t sure if he was the one. He liked old stuff, he talked about more literal things than abstract things, he wasn’t as smart as most of the guys I’ve been with. Oh and, when we were together, we rarely just talked and laugh so much…there was something silent and boring about our time together…I wasn’t sure why. Oh and when I saw his most recent photo, he didn’t look very good. He has gained some weight.

It’s easy to romanticise what we had and who he was, because it’s gone and he is gone. At the same time, I should not discount what we had and who he was, because we did have a good time and we did love each other. I want to remember us as having a beautiful, sincere relationship.

It’s that fine balance…of giving enough weight to both sides of the coin. That makes it harder to heal.

Still today I cried after I masturbated. It’s because I thought of him just before I climaxed. I didn’t intend to, but I can’t help it.

Memories of him are fading away though, and eventually I’ll feel nothing at all. Right now, my stomach still aches when I think about him. It’s a deep level of hurt.

I know that if I’m in love right now, it wouldn’t hurt. I wouldn’t still be so emotionally connected to him. I imagined that’s what he had, but it’s strange that he still looks at my photos and likes them.

I’m grateful though. I’m grateful that him and I had some good times together. I’m grateful that he helped me have an amazing birthday. I’m grateful that he showed me that someone can love the way he does…and even if no one loves me the way he loved me, at least I briefly experienced his love.

I’m grateful that, Bubbles did help me find a good friend, Erynn! Thanks Bubbles!

Thinking about how much he’s influenced me. I got a pineapple bikini. I designed a vintage map. I bought some basil plants and took care of the goji berry leaves Mom gave me. I posted about fish just today (hairy-frog fish…so cute).

 

I took a photo of Bubbles today, because it’s been exactly 5 months since I got it from Jeffrey. Bubbles has grown a bit side ways…the pot is too small for him.

I miss Jeffrey a lot lately. More so than usual. Period, perhaps?

I decided to post a photo of Bubbles the day I got it and 5 months later. I just wanted Jeffrey to like the post on Facebook.

Many people liked it, and, finally, Jeffrey did.

That was it. I didn’t expect anything else. But, deep down I guess I kinda hoped that he would message me.

Just like deep down I wished that Jeff would still message me.

Late at night, I decided to check out his FB page. I thought it was safe, since he still liked my post.. but I was wrong. He had found new love. Another Asian. He even used a heart in the post!

Sigh. I never even made it to his FB wall.

I felt sad. But, I feel a bit better now.

Him and I were not meant to be anyway. Sometimes I still remember the awkward silence between us. The feeling that we are not on the same wavelengths.

How amazing it is to be loved by someone who seems so sincere and pure…but, if we aren’t on the same level, it’s not gonna be a lasting and fun relationship anyway. I need to remember that.

I’m glad he’s found someone. I should be happy for him.

JL invited me to a naked beach party. Haha. That kinda cheered me up. I’m not going though.

I have to remember that Jeffrey and I were real. It was a good thing. He said he’s been looking for someone special, and I’m that someone special.

He said that I’m better than anyone he’s ever been with.

He said that I’m a 10 out of 10. I’m smart, funny, hot.

He said that I’m so loveable.

He said he’s never fallen in love so fast.

I do feel that he is gone for good though. His heart is with someone else now.

I wish I have someone to move on with. Even a playmate. But, there’s no one. Sigh.

I feel so lonesome. Dear God. Am I supposed to be so alone in this life? I’ve been single for 10 years now. Other people seem to be able to find someone in a matter of two months.

Frankly, sometimes I don’t envy people in long term relationships. But, sometimes being loved is amazing and comforting. I want my lover and I to be a force to be reckoned with. I want us to be incredible, to be funner than being alone, to achieve more together than on our own.

I believe my turn will come. We’ll shine. We’ll laugh together. We’ll feel free. We’ll love each other so deeply and passionately.

 

JL invited me to Tim’s Timbopalooza. I was surprised that he invited me. I’m still not a great player. I was overjoyed though!

He actually asked me in front of Mary. Mary is a much more advanced player than me. Then he asked Mary. Mary said she already got 2 invites.

Elan unfortunately was also going. I really don’t like him. He is so self-centred and not funny. I was especially annoyed by him after he asked to switch spots (so that he can spike).

I try to be amicable with him, but he is just so annoying.

Him and Mary won second place today. Mary really improved. This is in part because JL gave me and her a lot of chance to hit. Opposite of Elan.

I wish JL and I did better. The wind was not fun. It got better later on though.

We won 1 game and lost 2.

The funnest though, was when 5 girls played against 5 guys. We lost 19 to 21, but it was a pretty solid game up. I got to hit at least twice!

I’m improving. I’m not yet consistent, but I’m getting there.

Talked a bit with Mary. Her voice is really quiet, and she is very quiet. She came from a family of 7 siblings! She is 2nd. She works in health care…admin stuff. She’s been snowboarding since she was 12.

These people do a lot of exercise before and outside of volleyball. I can see why they are improving much faster than I am. It’s ok. I’ll get there 🙂

JL was hilarious. As we started the game, he pulled off his normal shorts, and showed his much shorter shorts.

He’d make them shorter during the game too. His ass is hairy. I wasn’t attracted, but at one point when I served, I hit his ass instead. I was obviously distracted.

He is pretty sweet of a person. We carpooled today. I was a bit excited to get to know him better. He is so young, 23. 14 years younger. But he looks older, and he is mature (Unlike Elan).

At 10pm he messaged me to see if I went out partying with these people. I didn’t. I think he was hoping for a ride. But part of me feels that he is attracted to me. It’s interesting. I’d never go there though. He is too young, he has a gf, and, even though he has stunning blue eyes, he has strange moles on him, and a hairy ass. I thought about if Matthew let his moles grow, and that they are raised…would I still be attracted?

Man, I got sunburnt on the face today…I better avoid that in the future.

There was one cute guy at the tournament today. Justin. Him and Gigi ended up winning too. He had a nice body, he looked older, and he had amazing blue eyes. He had red hair and freckles, but still very cute.

But…his voice is not very good…and his sense of humour not very good. We talked a bit about Shuswap. For some reason JL kept looking at me as I tried to flirt with Justin just by being friendly.

I wanted to get to know Justin more…because he was cute. He was wearing a hat, and I wondered if I’d be attracted to him if he was bald.

Turned out he has lots of hair.

And has a gf.

Sigh. I need to focus on my biz right now anyway.

 

 

Been a while since I wrote. At times I felt the urge to write, but then I’d do something more mindless instead.

I don’t know what is becoming of me.

Recently I had several mind-blown moments.

1. Simulation Theory – we live in a simulation
2. Reincarnation Theory – we live again and again
3. Hallucination – We live in a hallucination. Our brain “hallucinates” our reality. Signals go into the brain, brain predicts what is logically going to happen. Our physiology creates consciousness. More intelligence (AI) might not do it.

All of these cause me to wonder what is the point of anything?

There’s no point in thinking real hard about this…

I want love. I want wealth. I want health.

All these things are so transient. None of which is permanent.

We seek these things. Then we die.

 

 

 

Was packing for houseboating this weekend, and made this post:

I went to play volleyball. Had a great time with the On All 4’s group. They are so nice and so funny.

At around 11pm, I suddenly missed Jeffrey. I went to check FB, and he had just liked my post.

Though, I do miss him quite often, here and there.

I don’t dare to look at his profile since we last spoke, but today I did. He has been hiking, kayaking and he wrote a super funny post about how he hurt his nose. It’s so like him to be silly and clumsy, and then have a great sense of humour about it all. He wrote it like a film script. It was perfect. I didn’t know he can write. I think he is smarter then he lets on.

Sigh. I miss him. I want to message him that I still miss him. But I shouldn’t, and I won’t.

Josh Bailar, the entrepreneur I briefly met, also liked the post. An alopecia friend Carol said that I look great and made the bald look very powerful. He said he seconds what she says.

He’s been such a chicken about expressing his intentions since I met him. At the meetup he avoided partnering up with me it seems. Though he did come up to say hi as I left. Then he asked me to a meetup, but it was very last minute. Then when he said no to my invite to houseboating, he said to let him know if I’m ever in Gastown. How lame is that?

Oh well. He doesn’t seem overly interesting anyway. Hasn’t made any real funny statement.

I’ve been talking to Joel. He does somewhat turn me on, even though I don’t want to date him. We are friends, which I’m glad. He is not as funny as Jeffrey though.

Jeffrey is funny, and I think if we spend more time together, he’d become even more playful and funny. It has been uncultivated I think.  He is a ball of sunshine, and I love that. He is so special.

 

Went on a second date with Joel. I’ve never met anyone with so many similar interests as me! Yet, I know we won’t work out. I let him know that after spending all day with him in Deep Cove. We went on a short hike, then just lied on the grass for hours.

Why can’t it work between us? Because his sense of humour doesn’t quite match mine, and, while I got used to how he looks a bit more the second time, I still found his looks a bit “unlikeable” as Mom put it.

In some ways he is really cute…arranging our “adventure” for the day, giving me three options! He was patient. I was an hour late! He speaks Mandarin, and has lived in Taiwan for 2.5 years. He vagabonded. He started business. He likes to cook. He is smart. He likes sci-fi. He is a devoted partner. He is snipped (no kids). He really should be perfect for me.

But I miss Jeffrey so much. He is a ray of sunshine. That, Joel is not. Joel doesn’t have that sunshine quality. That bright smile. That goofy, fun, playful soul.

Today has been a day of missing. I missed Joel. I missed Jeffrey. I missed Jeff. I missed Matthew.

I recently met a guy named Josh. An blonde, long-haired entrepreneur. Not bad looking. Also has a moustache like Joel does though.

Some people say that when you start to meet people close to your soulmate, that means your soulmate is coming soon.

Josh, together with Joel, and Jeffrey, and Jeff….and Matthew….they are all very different yet have major likeness to what I want in my soul mate.

Is my soulmate near? I hope so 🙂

I’ve been horny all day. Orgasms are good again!