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Ugh. Matthew is causing me so much pain, just by not initiating a meet-up with me. I feel so sad.

I really wish things were good like before, but they will never be.

Ah, to think that I had all these hopes and dreams about us. Now I know that it’s all an illusion.

I’m crying so much and feeling so down, as though I’m going through a break-up.

I had intuitions before, around June. I felt that he would disappoint me, and then, he would be nice to me, and it’ll be all good from there.

That came true. Till now.

Now I have no intuitions. I don’t know why. Probably because I asked for it. It does not make me feel any better to “possibly” know the outcome of things.

So how is it gonna be? I don’t know.

Dear GuanYin, please help me. I want to be happy in my love life. I know in the past, I only asked for health, wealth, and your blessings. But now, I realize that I need love too. Please grant me love too. I want love.

1. Ship rings to me (for photos and for free rings for up to 50 previous silver ring customers) (3o to 50pc each – later ship to Amazon.ca) Send this myself or ship via ChitChats.
2. When silver rings have shipped: Contact a small percentage of the silver ring customers (for initial test)
3. Say that, we are thankful of their help, and want to send them free silver rings. please confirm address and ring size. Contact us by a certain date
4. Have Keesha fulfill via FBA
5. After 3.5 weeks, follow up.
6. During 3.5 weeks:
   1. Print postcards for Amazon (silver or not) ring customers to let them know about the silver rings’ arrival. Provide coupon for knotheory.com We will send in batches. Will need several thousand prints to start (5000pc?)
   2. Prepare silver ring listings on Amazon.com, Etsy, and knotheory.com
   3. Prepare silver listings on Amazon.co.uk and .de also.
   4. Prepare a list of Amazon, Etsy, and Knotheory.com silver ring customers
   5. Set up silver ring emails – for Etsy and Knotheory – let them know that the silver rings have arrived and give them coupon code. Others – give a smaller coupon code? Or just promo it.
7. If silver rings have passed the customers’ test:
   1. Ship rings (single packaging) to USA and UK
   2. Make silver ring listings LIVE on Amazon.com, Etsy, and Knotheory.com
   3. Ask these 50customers for review
   4. Start combo packages design, printing (silver and dark silver and gold trio for $50~$60) (or 2 trio options? Or 4 in one package?)
   5. Produce more rings (rose gold? gold?)
   6. Using online greeting card senders or customers’ Amazon marketplace emails, invite previous silver ring customers to buy from our site / or Amazon for $1.99
   7. Send a batch of postcards to previous customers, inviting them to shop at knotheory.com
   8. Email customers who have previously asked about silver rings to let them know about silver ring arrival
   9. Email knotheory.com and Etsy customers with already written emails
   10. Remember to activate silver rings’ Salesbacker email campaign
8. [After 5 or more good reviews have come in,] let all past customers know about the silver rings (post cards and proxy emails? half and half? wave 1?)
9. Be prepared to send out wave2, improve based on wave1 experience.

 

 

I really thought the Matthew I know this time around is much more thoughtful and more sincere.

At least, after I made clear to you the only two things I required, and you said yes to it – I thought we’d be on the same page second time around.

But then you showed me that it is impossible for you to prioritize in a way that we meet every two weeks, or even let me know ahead of time. Last week you didn’t even bother until I asked. I asked and you just said No.

What I asked for really were very minimal.

I only asked for two things, and those were my lowest bar. Why do you agree to something you cannot live up to?

I am heartbroken that this is how you treat people.

 

I just realized that I want to get married. For the first time, I’m imagining what my wedding might be like.

I want to be bald at my wedding. I want it to be a real wedding….not a flimsy one. We’d both be successful, so even if it’s $50K it’s not breaking the bank.

I want to have vows. I want us to say and feel that we’ve found our soul mates. I want my friends and maybe family to be there.

I want to go on an exciting honeymoon. I want to make amazing love to this guy. I want to be one with this guy.

I want to experience this amazing, incredible love.

Mom will be there. She will be so happy. Dad…well, I’ll bring the guy to him.

—

I just realized this as I thought about what to say to Matthew. I thought about the possibility that we can be together in the future, as boyfriend and girlfriend. Then I realized that it’ll never work unless he wants to get married. If he doesn’t want to get married, that means, in his heart, he doesn’t believe that the relationship will last.

The interesting thing about him is that he evolves. He’s changed quite a bit in the past 7 years. He’s become much more dateable and loveable. Less vain. Less superficial. Because he evolves, I feel that I can expect him to turn into someone I want to marry, and that he’ll never bore me. After all, he is pretty close to being that.

Still, I won’t count on it.

I’ll date a few hundred people instead, and find someone. I’ll go to Tony Robbin’s event, and meet more people.

I can’t help but feel sad as I let the idea of losing him (again) sink in. I’ve cried a couple times now.

I think I will want to let him know what I look for in a boyfriend/husband, so that subconsciously, perhaps, he can work towards it. Doesn’t hurt to implant that in his brain haha.

 

Him: [Possibly asking when we can meet]

Me: I’ll be busy.

We had lots of fun. Amazing sex and conversations and laughed so much. But, last week when you said No…I realized that we were never able to meet once every two weeks.

So, this is goodbye.

I’m discovering myself a bit more too. I love good experiences and good memories so much that I have been avoiding dating….because there are ups and downs in a relationship.

But I think I’ve grown up a bit…I want to build a deeper connection with someone. He would see me as super amazing, one of a kind and irreplaceable, and be my #1 fan. And I would see him the same way.

Tanyabot wants to understand what love is.

 

 

Launched on August 8 with some inventory (from Canada). Got more inventory on August 17 (solid rings).

I was on page 6 and sometimes page 3. So sales.

Today, I saw that I sold 3 striped rings yesterday, and am at the bottom of page 1! (#40, out of ~50). Yay!

No launch yet. Wait ’til I launch!

Camping at Hawkin’s past weekend.

11 or 12 people this time. The new people are nice, but it’s not as fun this time. We didn’t do anything special, just lounged around. The people were mostly fat girls who work 9-5 jobs. We had moments of good conversations, but mostly I found our experiences too different.

No tent sauna, no paddle poker, no slip ‘n slide, no bbq at the fundraiser party. No Wes…who is not hot enough nor dateable, but was still a good eye candy to add to the experience. Also, I wasn’t an MVP any more. I’m not new. I felt a bit neglected.

I kept questioning why I went on this trip. I think it’s just to save the friendship between Cyn and I. I don’t like sleeping on the ground. (Though, my newly bought inflatable mattress and Norm’s -5 degree sleeping bag helped.)

I enjoyed playing a bit of volleyball with Ty, and chatting with him about ENTP struggles. I enjoyed his cooking. I also enjoyed talking to Heather about her experience as a single, well-travelled person.

I enjoyed being off-grid for the weekend. (Was a bit worried…but, business did better when I was away!)

I enjoyed waking up early in the morning and reading a book as the sun rises.

I enjoyed the roasted marshmallows. Though lately I’ve been having a belly and I felt so self-conscious.

The ride up to Hawkins with Al was kinda fun. Talking to him. Though it was 3 hours longer than it had to be, because of Mike. I don’t like that guy. He is just annoying. He is not a bad person, but he is annoying.

Al is very chill, and can be quite funny. Nice guy. Much more likeable than Mike.

—

So what did I learn from this experience?

I would like a vacation at a comfortable cabin in a sunny place, by a lake or some type of water. I don’t like roughing it anymore.

I need eye candy, or, conversations with people I can relate to.

I need to be active, not just lounging around.

I prefer to be connected.

I need to build a group of friends that I can vacay with.

—

Matthew disappointed me again. I don’t know what to do.

I didn’t see him for 2 weeks, because Alison was over, and because I went camping. My period is one of the two weeks.

The 3rd week, he messaged me on Tuesday. I was off line Friday to Monday because I was camping. I didn’t feel horny that week. If he didn’t message me, I wouldn’t have messaged him.

But he messaged me, about the surf park proposal in False Creek. But that was all we talked about. I then went to a volleyball clinic. The next day, I messaged to ask what he was doing on Friday. He didn’t reply all day, and at night, he replied to say sorry he was busy, and that he’ll be busy on Friday too. He didn’t even say anything about meeting the next week.

I woke up on Wednesday to this message, and was so sad. We had promised to see each other every 2 weeks, or let each other know ahead of time if we can’t.

At the same time I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting. There were times that he was better than I expected….should I just count this as a one off?

In truth I think he is just not taking this promise very seriously, and seeing if he can get away with it. He probably is busy, but he could’ve let me know ahead of time, or arrange the next time.

I kept thinking about what to do with him. What to say to him.

I think I need to end this, but I don’t want to regret ending it. Because it’s so fun.

If I end it, it’ll be the second time I do so. I won’t take him back. Because if I do, me ending it will not be taken seriously again.

So I probably won’t formally say it.

I’ll just say I’m busy.

I’ll say, if anything changes I’ll let you know.

Basically, ghosting him. I’m sure he’ll be ok. He has so many activities, so many girls, and a girl friend. I wish I could hurt him more, like how he hurts me.

I need to amp up my social life.

Right now, I’m so appalled by his behaviour, that I don’t really care to see him again. I wonder if I’ll feel different down the road.

I don’t even want to reply to him, if he were to message me.

In my ideal world, I want to change his behaviour so that he knows to value me more. To prioritize with me on top.

I know I know….don’t make yourself always available. (Then again, he did that and I fucking hate him.)

Here’s how I imagine our conversation will go. Even though he always surprises me.

Him: What is your schedule like this week? / What are you doing this Thursday?

Me: I think I’ll be busy…washing my hair

Him: I see holes in your statement

Me: 😉

Him: Found someone? / Out on a date?

Me: No. I just don’t like that, after so many weeks of not seeing each other, I got a No from you.

Anyway.

I said what my lowest bar was 🙁

Him: 🙁 [Then he’ll try to explain how busy he was. And say something like, he understands if I want to end it.]

Me: “Time is like cleavage, if you squeeze hard enough, you’ll have some.”

I think this is as clear I can get without getting too serious.

 

Been practicing volleyball for the past 3 days. On my own on the lawn. I’m learning a few things. I don’t thoroughly enjoy this. Not as much as I would enjoy surfing in an artificial wave machine. But I want to become good at this. I envy the fact that Matthew can cultivate new skills. I want to try this identity method: I am a volleyball player. There 🙂

Hawkins Trip is this weekend! I’m half looking forward to it. But there are many people that I don’t know, and I have so much work piled up I doesn’t feel safe to leave for a whole weekend. But will have to try my best to work hard these 2 days and get as much done as possible.

Went to borrow some camping gear from Norm. Towards the end, I started to realize that he really needs help making new friends and being more positive. I don’t want to do it, but I think I need to. I wish he has friends. Then again, I can hardly make good friends.

Maybe him, Masha, Masha’s friends/husband and I should go to a Tony Robins event!

 

Period started yesterday. Exactly 28 days since last one. Despited feeling so stressed, and not sticking to paleo that much, at least my period is regular.

I was so incredibly horny yesterday (and still am today). It’s the kind of horny I’ve never experienced. I was on the verge of tears.

I messaged Matthew to let him know how horny I was. I guess I sorta wanted to know if he would be willing to swing by. He asked me what I have been up to, replied to my activities, and slipped in that he has a birthday party after climbing. So I guess not. His schedule is full. I let him know after that that I’m having my period.

I did workout today, and practice some volleyball. Now I’m sore.

Last night, I was so frustrated, I cried….I just wanted to be held. I can’t tell if I was horny or missing Matthew or stressed or something else entirely.

The strange thing was that as I cried, my “mind” or my higher self, or Matthew’s higher self, kept telling me that Matthew really does love me but he doesn’t know it yet. And that he is the one and one day he will know, and we’d love each other and be together. Right now we both have stuff to learn first.

Was it my subconscious desire that caused me to “hear” these things? Or was this for real?

I like him a lot, but I find it hard to believe that he would be capable of love one day. Then again, this voice I hear – has been right every time. To the point that I was afraid to hear it. Sometimes it gives me bad news, and I didn’t want bad news.

Like a while ago it told me that Matthew would disappoint me, but then we’ll be ok. I did almost end it with him because he didn’t message me for a month. But then he said some things that caused me to take him back.

Still. Matthew as he is right now, is not someone I can be with. I need to look further. Man….I need to manage my time so I can date.

Mean while, I seem to lie down a lot, and I cuddle with the multi-coloured unicorn towel that Matthew uses.

 

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