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Already Patrick is changing me, and that shouldn’t be.

I messaged him yesterday and he hasn’t messaged back. He didn’t have to, but it was definitely the coldest way to handle it.

I have been exercising since I heard from him yesterday. I also stopped eating wheat and most of the non-paleo foods.

I also bought some intense moisturizers.

Sigh. I guess in some ways it’s good. I was losing the motivation to look good and stay healthy again. And while it kinda sucked that he didn’t message me back, it wasn’t on my mind too much.

I did dream about how we can hang out lots, go on dates, etc. But, I’m gonna stop doing that. Forget it. I’m not even gonna remind him when I get to Vancouver in 10 days. I’m not gonna go out of my way to get someone to come to me. I’m not gonna fantasize about him anymore.

I’ll enjoy time with him if it happens, but I’m not gonna make it a priority, or any priority.

Sigh. I know it’s kinda lame. But, I just don’t trust handing my heart to someone like him. Not at all.

It shouldn’t be this way. I shouldn’t have to drop my expectations so low when hanging out with anyone. I won’t do that. Not even for Patrick. I won’t tolerate disrespect.

Had my lesson with Josh. I suppose that was the reason why it happened. So that I can be more guarded. Thinking back booty call guys don’t give you a time. They think they can just drop by any time.

I wish, with all my heart, that the world loves me. That I get undivided attention. That I get spoiled for once. I think everyone wants that. ….At least I don’t hurt people. At least I try to be responsible and reliable. That’s not what some of these guys are like.

On the plus side, I’m so thrilled about the ring sales these days! 39 Amazon ring orders yesterday plus 1 bow tie; also a 6 bow tie order on KT, and 1 ring order from Etsy! Today, 39 rings sold on Amazon so far (11:17pm) and 3 from Etsy!

I’m so stoked that, in month 1, I made $4, and in month 2 (the past 30 days). I made $4492 + $4958 + $1,253 = $10,703 USD!!!! Plus $2.1K sales from Knotheory.com, which is about $1.2K profit. So $11.9K USD, (plus about $60 from Etsy) which is $14.9K CAD!!!! Holy amazing. I’m SO grateful and so happy!!!

Wow. Patrick is back in Vancouver!

I could hardly believe it. I have been thinking about him a bit more lately, and I wondered why all that thinking about him didn’t bring him come back into my life. But then it did.

Last night, an hour before his birthday, he Facebook msg’d me. I didn’t even recognize who that was. His screen name was “Patrick Tal” instead of “Patrick Talbot”. I had to read our past conversation to see who it was. I noticed that last we chatted was me wishing him Happy Birthday in 2013. Exactly two years ago.

I love many things about him. He was the first person to make me feel amazing without hair. He was one of the hottest guys I’ve slept with. He was funny. He was….someone I’ve met and been in love with in previous lives.

But I know he is not perfect. I know I cannot trust him. I know I cannot count on him. He said I was the first person he thought of upon coming back to Vancouver. That’s sweet. But deep down I just think that he sugar coats everything and probably says the same to other girls.

Still I fantasized that we’ll have a super fun summer. I fantasized that I ask him to help me get abs. We have a hot workout, hot sex. And after, we go for lunch, and I’d buy him lunch as a thank-you for training me. And we’d see each other a couple times a week for this, and we’d have steaming hot sex every time.

But I don’t bank on this happening. Even if it did, I don’t bank on it being consistent. Ha, unless I pay him.

My biggest fear is that we don’t end well. It happened when I saw Idriss the second time, and when I saw Josh the second time.

With Josh, all I expected was that he showed up and kept in touch if he was gonna be away. He couldn’t even do that. Wasn’t a problem the first time I met him, but second time it was.

I think Patrick will be the same. He is probably gonna be worse.

When we expect nothing, we don’t get hurt. I wish I get everything I want, but I want a lot. It’s easier to make myself not want it much, than to want it half way.

I’ll be happy to see him if it happens. If I don’t, I’ll be happy that at least we had some special memory from last time.

 

Ryan who I met last summer at floater boating messaged me the day before.

He was the alpha male of the floater boating gathering, since he founded it about 10 years ago. Plus he was the only good looking guy at the event. So, I was attracted to him.

He was not super hot. He was decently hot though. Plus he was funny, smart, a mechanical engineer who obviously makes a good income, cool, and sexy. I liked him.

But, he has a girlfriend. She was decently pretty, great body, super nice. They are a good match.

Last summer, just before parting, I felt that he was attracted to me at some level. But he was a good enough bf that he didn’t express it.

Since then, I have been wanting to be friends with him, and, I guess his gf too. They were both funny and I wanted to be friends with funny people. They hosted lots of parties too.

They were friendly but somehow we didn’t meet up at all the past year.

I chatted with them on FB once, 2 months ago. Krysta was nice and funny. Ryan was, not flirty, but sexual.

Then the day before, Ryan messaged me out of the blue. Normal start, but he definitely slipped in flirty lines. I got so turned on. But I didn’t let him know. I wanted to be a good person and not trying to steal someone’s boyfriend.

I lost a bit of respect for him for being flirty despite having a great gf. But at the same time, I got so fucking wet. I masturbated several times that day, and yesterday.

I think it was my posting of 6 shades of Tanya on Facebook that turned him on all of a sudden. That pic is definitely a sex bait. Got me Josh.

 

It’s saddening though, to think that all the great bf’s I know have hit on me. Mike, Jason’s friend (while his gf was pregnant), Patrick, James (Jamie’s), Matthew, and now Ryan. The only one who hasn’t hit on me was Ty. He is a pretty good guy.

At the same time, I’m kind of thrilled that these guys were attracted to me. Because I was attracted to them too. (Except not so much with Jason’s friend…whatever his name was.) And it made me feel somewhat attractive to attract pretty much any guy I’ve been attracted to. The only times I’ve failed were when the guy was already fixated on a crush (Like Joe with Jackie, and Jarl).

I don’t think I can ever trust a guy when everyone flirts. I guess some girls are ok with it though…?

In any case, I sort of know Krysta and she’s been nothing but nice, so, it’s hard. Plus, Ryan is not Patrick. Patrick is someone I’ve met before. He is unique.

Still, I fantasized about Ryan. I hardly remembered what he looked like, but I fantasized that he made a move on me and we kissed passionately and I moaned quietly, then I pulled away, totally wet, noticing his boner.

I haven’t had sex in so long, that even this is turning me on. Sigh. I want a playmate. A nice, sexy, sweet friend with benefit.

 

I’m sensitive. I think that makes it easier to be sad.

For example, a while ago I uploaded pics of me and Jarl. He untagged himself. I was sad. I tried very hard to think of reasons why. I thought maybe he was embarrassed to be seen with me (worst case scenario), or maybe he was gay, or maybe he was just starting to date someone.

Yesterday on Facebook, it was posted that he is now in a relationship with someone. Well, that explained it.

I guess I should’ve been somewhat happy, but I was still sad.

I was sad, because I didn’t get to get with him.

I shouldn’t be so sad, because maybe he was attracted but his heart was already somewhere else. That’s the best scenario already.

Well, the best scenario is that I hook up with someone cute on that Thailand trip.

I feel sad that I didn’t. I feel sad that even Cyn got more action. I feel sad that…it’s been so long (6, 7 months) since I had sex, and even longer since I made love.

Come to think of it, I haven’t really made love to anyone. I’ve had great sex, but I’ve never been in love.

In a way I love Patrick, but not really. If I knew more about him, I’m certain I would not love him.

It’s kind of sad, isn’t it? To come to this world and not find love.

I suppose I have found greater love. Love for people with alopecia. Love for myself for having alopecia.

I don’t really know what love is. Some motions of it seems…..ambiguous. Does mom love me? I suppose as much as anyone can love me. Does dad love me? I think he loves his dog.

Can I love someone? The thought of loving someone just makes me think of compromises, sacrifices, fights, burden, dependence, annoyance, assimilation, loss of self identity. I only see these negatives, and even if it was amazing and perfect, I see that it must end at some point.

I don’t know the how nor the why of love.

For now, I focus on making money. It’s something I’ve tried for 5+ years and is finally happening. I thank God for everything. There has been a lot of luck involved. I hope I do make millions a year before turning 40. I hope that I have that part figured out…

Love, I’ll tackle it as it comes 🙂

 

 

DaJoJo passed away a few days ago. It surprised everyone.

He was so chill. His health seemed fined. 66 years – shorter than what anyone would’ve expected.

I feel sad for Shangyi and Shangrei. Mom cried. I cried. Everyone cried.

Aunt Shu and Mom kept saying he was such a wonderful person. He has always been good to me.

When Alison was getting married, I met up with DaJoJo for lunch one day. He treated me to a lavish buffet. He was just so chill and easygoing. He wasn’t opinionated nor judging. Pretty open-minded.

He had a big tooth gap, but he refused to get it filled because it required that he quit smoking, lol.

I felt ok asking him anything. I asked him if Shangyi was a lesbian. He said he wasn’t sure.

As we parted ways, he gave me a red envelope to give to Alison. The he asked if I had money. I said, Yeah, lots. He saw that I had just a few hundred NT, he was like, That’s it?

Later on, he called me and said, “Take some money out of the red envelope.” I think it was $8000NT.

He called again soon after, “But don’t tell Alison that you did!” Haha.

I can’t remember why I was quite ready to have some extra spending money. I went ahead and bought some shoes. I think it was 6 pairs of shoes.

Dajojo had always been good to me, and the last impression was good too. I like him more than I like Uncle Mitch. Mitch is less and less likeable as he ages. Stingy and judging.

I’m gonna miss Dajojo.

On one hand, he’s had a great life, especially in his later years. No stress, no financial worries. He was of the philosophy that being in the middle is best. I remember he said, don’t exercise too much, because then you have to keep doing it. Or said that a friend of his had lots of money, and he started a business, lost all of it.

He didn’t risk much in life. He didn’t venture out of his comfort zone. He didn’t strive for anything. But that was the way he liked it. He was always content, it seems. And so, it was a good life.

And of course, I want to believe that we are here by choice. How we arrive, how we leave, are also by choice. I think DaJoJo was here just to relax, have a good time. He wasn’t here to learn stuff, to struggle, to thrive. This is a boat cruise for him.

I’m glad he had a smooth life 🙂

 

These days I’ve been just thinking about sex more. I miss Patrick. I miss Josh. Even though Josh was not a good person, I miss the physical aspects of him. Those eyes and eyebrows. The lips. The skin. I doubt I’ll ever find anyone as hot again.

I’ve been hanging out with Norm almost everyday, since he tried to commit suicide on May 1st. It’s been draining. I’m glad he is alive though. It was a close call.

I don’t mind hanging out with him sometimes, but I feel obligated to hang out with him often to make sure he is ok. He seems fine. He was just frustrated by not being able to find any girl to date. I hope the psychologist will be helpful.

We all want a certain company. Me, I want fun, positive friends. I want hot, young, genuine, fun, sexy guys to make love to. But I don’t get any of that.

He wants big breasted girls to date. He wants friends. He doesn’t get any of that.

I have a better mom and a better dad. I think that helps.

I finally uploaded my last Thailand photo album to Facebook today. It was the photos with the Swedish boys. To my total surprise, Jarl untagged himself from all photos of me and him…well the 3 of them. Ok, 2 of them he was wearing his undies. 1 of them, he was just in the pic with me. I was quite saddened by it. I feel that it was because he didn’t want to seem like there was anything between us.

Today I had too much on my mind – my ASM biz and Norm and Mother’s Day, to care about what it really meant. Maybe he is gay. Maybe he is into someone and doesn’t want to mislead him/her. Maybe it’s not as bad as I think it is. I’lll give him the benefit of a doubt. Because, he is not worth me feeling sad over. He was cute, yes, but he was hardly on my mind. He was not charming, he was not amazing.

Who is amazing? Patrick. I think about him often, yet, he never comes into my life. So much for manifestation. Used to work: when I thought about him, he’d show up.

Josh, I think about him a lot more often lately. I think it’s because summer time is near, and we hooked up in the summer. I think also it’s because he is thinking of me. I know he must miss me. We had such an amazing time. But it’ll never be rekindled. He did nasty things, I said nasty things.

When can I find someone who is sincere and hot and loves me? Does this person exist? The older I get, the less likely it’s gonna happen, it seems. I’m further and further away from the hot young guys, never mind the sincerity and love! I think it’s gonna have to be paid sex. Sigh.

But you know what’s making me happy? ASM doing well 🙂 It’s not yet steady, but it’s been a source of happiness. Amazing that after 5 years of working hard on ties and bow ties, I can expect $1500 ~ $3000 per month. Silicone wedding rings on Amazon? $8,000 in sales the first month. This past month, Apr 8 to May 8, I finally brought in $10K in sales. About $7K USD ($8500CAD) in profit. Thank you God.

I asked for money not boyfriend for now, and that’s what I get. I am horny and wanting some physical contact with a cute boy, but I want money even more right now.

I just watched the movie The Fault in Our Stars. Omg, such an awesome movie. What I love the most about it is Ansel Elgort’s character and his performance.

If a guy like Augustus Waters exists in real life, someone who loves me this much and is full of original ideas and has a charismatic personality and is pretty handsome, his lack of one leg is not an issue at all. He is such a beautiful character. So beautiful.

And Ansel Elgort is such a great actor. Such a natural actor. Not the most handsome, but definitely attractive.

Does a man like that really exist? Sigh. I wish to find a great love one day….

For now, I want to focus on making millions!!!

My silicone rings have arrived at Amazon! I think they are still processing them. I have the pictures photoshopped and ready to upload tomorrow. I’m nervous! I hope they’ll do well. I have a good feeling about them.

I think it’ll take me all day tomorrow to get the listings ready. Today I spent all day preparing the photos. I think they will stand out because they are different. The quality isn’t superb but it’s better than my competitors. I’m trying to be speedy….though a big part of me likes to be thorough…I’m still figuring out a balance.

My heart is pounding about this launch. My future depends on it! I know if it doesn’t do well I’ll just try again…but I’m so sick of failing. Please, my dear God. Please let me win this time. Please.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, the past several days.

Well, yesterday was more ok. I was fairly productive, and I only cried when I watched Malificent.

But today was hell. I woke up naturally at 8, but didn’t feel like working out. I was slow and unproductive. Watched a bunch of youtube videos. Felt just sad in general. I think I dreamt about something sad but trivial, like, a water leak in my bag.

Cyndi texted me to say she wants to take me on a mini adventure next week. That made me extra sad. Two weeks after my birthday? Seriously? I wasn’t as mad at her before that offer.

I tried to not be sad about it, because that seemed unreasonable. But I balled my eyes out. I hated feeling like I’m at the bottom of all priorities. I thought about how to respond to that, but in no way did it feel right. Just like with Summer. I just felt so so sad. And so tired as a result. So I took a nap in Vanthony’s bedroom. They have a very comfortable memory foam bed.

What is pissing me off here? Well, that I’m not a priority in her life by any means. The gesture is nice, but it’s two weeks after my birthday, bitch. I know what else she is doing – dating, and dating.

What makes it worse is that I don’t feel right voicing the fact that I was hurt. If I do, it’ll only damage our friendship even more. We already had all these “talks” after our trip from Thailand. I was already hurt. It’ll seem like I’m just so frigging sensitive and fragile and I’m always hurt.

If I knew what’s going on that takes up her time, then maybe I won’t feel as bad. For example, if they are important things instead of dating. If she were to let me know that she has lots going on but she’ll make it up to me later, then that’s better. But it was just so thoughtless.

It’s tough to be me….I tried to have no expectations of people. I make no demands. You’d think that I won’t get hurt that way…but surprisingly people can still hurt me. They’d invite me to shitty things, or things that are an after thought.

I don’t know how to feel happy. I don’t know how to avoid getting hurt. I don’t know how to have friends.

I don’t know how to make money either. I’ll do my best though.