Author: spacebunny@gmail.com

I finally understand why it hurts so much that Brad didn’t reach out to me since Friday, and that we didn’t have sex since…about two weeks ago.

I’ve been crying every day. It’s a deep down pain. I can’t stand up…I fall onto my knees and I pray. I want to curl up and…die.. It’s so painful.

I’m realizing that, this year, I’ve been rejected so many times. Not one decent guy wants to take me out on a date. Not one decent guy wants to invest in me. Not one decent guy persist. Why?

Matthew, Patrick, Fin, Brad, Max, Will….they ALL disappointed me before anything even began. They just don’t really like me that much. Except Matthew I guess. But not enough to persist.

It’s not even like I was asking for a lot.

There’s Sam who wanted more, but he is 25 and a fucking moron. And Blake who actually took me out to a nice dinner, but he is a bi-polar drug addict. And he surely didn’t treat me nearly as well the next time.

So forget about decent. There’s just no guy that wants me it seems.

Why?

I’m beginning to feel the reality of being alone forever.

I’m starting to realize that love is just as important as health and wealth.

Well, health and wealth are awesome. Being in pain is no fun. Being poor is no fun. But, having no love…that’s a harder thing than I thought!

It’s not going very well with Brad.

Sex is fine. He is polite and fairly sincere. I can’t pick out anything very wrong with him.

But, he isn’t very curious about me. He doesn’t take a lot of initiative.

It’s so painful.

It makes me wonder why I’m so unlovable. No one wants to date me. No one has put serious effort into me. Ever.

Is it my hair? Is it my vibe? What is it???

Matthew Hussey said that, be a train that is leaving, not one that has reached its destination. He says to let the guy know that you like him, and be willing to walk away.

I want to say to him:

I’m attracted to your personality, I enjoy how you look physically, and I like what you’re doing with your life. Plus we had such a cute start…

But it’s important to me that a guy is curious about my life as I do his, and that we genuinely want to see each other often…even if we can’t meet, we still check in and say hi.

Basing on that you hardly talk to me, I’m guessing you’re not that interested…and with that I just can’t be turned on.

Sigh. What’s the point of saying all that. He is just not that into me. But then, no one is. Not Matthew. Not Patrick. Not Josh. Not Fin. Not Max.

None of these guys want to date me. Wanted more than sex. Wanted to treat me well.

No one has wanted to date me in the past 4 years. Wow. No one. What’s wrong with me?

Is it me or is it the city?

Is it that stage I was in in my life?

Is it my current age.

Sigh. I don’t know. I want to not think about this too much. When it comes, it comes, I guess.

I’m putting my best foot forward. I’m going to events where I think I’ll find people I’m attracted to. I’m even online on those dating apps still. I think…that’s all I can do.

I just feel so sad though. There’s so much frustration. When you want love and there is no love. I’ve been crying every other day.

Is this a simulation? If so, can I ask for love and get it, please?

Dear God, I want a loving boyfriend. A boyfriend that warms my heart and my soul. A boyfriend that I love and loves me.

Thank you.

I’m looking forward to going to Austin!

At the same time, I’m busy and sad.

Busy because Xmas shopping has begun, and the 4 pack metallic ring shipment is just coming in now.

Sad because, lacking someone to love me makes me sad.

I thought about what I think of Brad. What’s wrong with me? Why does he make me sad?

He is not curious about me and my life. I think that’s what it is.

And he doesn’t think about me very much.

And knowing that makes me sad.

Maybe he requires more time to fall in love? Should I give him more time?

Perhaps. But I’m going to go on more dates, and I’m going to stop asking him to come over.

I shouldn’t be sad, but I am. I can’t just like someone a little bit and sleep with them for long periods of time. After a while, I start to want them all the time, and that’s when a friends with benefits issue come in. I can’t communicate my desires.

Cat did communicate…she asked Sean, “Is there an opportunity to do more?” And they went to see movies. Problem is, now they are like boyfriend / girlfriend sort of, and he is still living with his girlfriend.

I know I’m doing all I can to find more options, more guys to date. But it takes time. I need to be patient.

Ugh. I’ve been so horny. I saw Brad less than a week ago, but I’m eager to see him again. It’s not that I’m in love, but it’s confusing…I feel like I’m in love, but I think I’m just in a dick sand. There’s no reason to fall for him…he hasn’t been showing that much interest in me. Hormones. Period.

I feel sad actually. I wish we could date…like boyfriend girlfriend. But he is too busy with his biz…and…I still like Matthew more. I just wish that someone would think of me as date-worthy. Someone who I think is awesome will want to spend the time, energy, money, attention, to date me. I would totally do the same in return. But, Matthew doesn’t want to do that. I still can’t believe that he just went silent like that.

I started looking some more on Tinder and Bumble. I just went back to check out OKC and Zoosk too. Been a while.

I’m chatting with Sheldon from Tinder, who is a border patrol and is 5’9. Not hopeful there. Matched up with 2 guys on Bumble, but not hopeful there either. Guys on Bumble never message me back…

So many women go for less attractive guys. I used to be ok with it. But now I am very aware of who is good looking. I want someone that looks good to me, but need not be good looking to others.

Brad is kinda like that, but apparently he gets hit on a fair bit too. He is cuter than I realized. He is still the best of the bunch in every way. And is reliable. There are definitely many good qualities about him. But he doesn’t rock my world. He isn’t trying to anyway.

Well, I’m going to FreedomFastLane2, which is 100% entrepreneurs. Then Tony Robbin’s biz course, and I might join Remote Year with 74 other digital nomads. Maybe I’ll meet someone stellar. Can’t say I’m not tryin’!

So according to a quick online search, Qalo makes $11.4MM in year 2016 (or 2015) and has 47 employees.

Qalo also has, as of Nov 25, 2016:

1. Facebook fans: 493,720
2. Instagram fans: 99.3K
3. Pinterest: 1.8K (very pretty and well-made)
4. Twitter: 19.1K

Knot Theory’s revenue for 2016 is about $500K

1. Facebook fans: 1882
2. Instagram fans:
   1. @knotheory: 924
   2. @knotheoryring: 292
3. Pinterest: 800
4. Twitter: 1229

Enso Rings

• have metallics now, in copper; expensive
• have super thin women’s bands (can copy that)
• expensive
• made in USA
• great SEO, great website with reviews

1. Facebook fans: 67.9K
2. Instagram fans: 12.4K
3. Pinterest: 248
4. Twitter: 7233

Estimating that there are 6 sellers making about the same as me on Amazon and their websites, that’s $3MM total.

So the market size is about $15MM as of 2016, possibly more.

I thought this weekend Brad might message me to see if I felt better. I was thinking about how to tell him that I’m going to Victoria, then my period, then going away to Austin.

To my surprise, he messaged me at around 4pm, asking if I felt better, saying that he was driving through soon and wondered if I wanted a massage. Aww…

Granted he was coming back from his friend’s place and he was hoping to dodge rush hour. So he said. But it was still nice to see him.

He said I didn’t need to doll up for him. I still put makeup on, light grey shorts, light blue top, and put on my red puffy jacket. No hair.

He waited at the door as usual. So cute.

He said I looked cute. I was shy about it. It was the first time I went downstairs to greet him without a wig.

He said he missed me. That’s nice. I miss him too. A lot.

Said he was a bit high because he smoked two puffs…but it wasn’t noticeable. I guess he was more talkative. Kept telling me stories. It was pretty cute.

We didn’t kiss because I’m still sick, but we hugged and fucked and kissed everywhere else.

He said he hasn’t cummed in a week. So, when we were 69’ing, he came. So fast.

Then we chatted, and he gave me a back and ass massage. So nice.

He said he was sore from climbing with his friend for 3 days. He’s been doing lots of things. Selling jeans at various rock climbing events. They are selling well.

We had sex, we chatted, and then he had to go home for dinner at 7:30. So he was here for just under 2 hours.

He told me stories of how he is oblivious to girls hitting on him. One time, when he was working at the kiosk, a girl went up to him and told him all about a greek restaurant at Steveston. Finally she asked why he can’t take a hint and ask her out. Haha.

On the way out, he told the story of how he went to feed his friend’s cat, got lost and tried to open someone else’s apartment door. The guy chased him with a baseball bat! He was so excited about the story we stopped in the lobby for him to finish telling the story.

Lunch with Masha today. We had the same hair, coral top, black coat, and ordered the same food, haha.

I mentioned to her that Max wants to hang out but he talked about being excited to go to Moscow because of the girls. Masha said Moscow girls are greedy so he’ll be disappointed. I don’t think his 5 days there warrant that discovery.

But that’s not the point. The point is that he talks about this while flirting with me. Masha thought he might be testing to see my reaction. I doubt it. She said don’t date Russian guys, unless they’ve lived here for a while, lol. She approved of Max. But she didn’t know him well I don’t think.

I’ve decided to tell Max, if he ever messages me again, this:

I had a good impression of you, but then you kept telling me how excited you are about going to Moscow – because of the girls.

What’s wrong with the world today? These are conversations I should not have to have.

I really want a guy that respects me.

I thought about Brad just now. He is better, but I’m realizing that we will never work.

I need someone patient and loving towards me. I guess there’s potential of him being that, but he isn’t that right now.

What are some things that make me certain that this won’t work?

He probably has never been in a real relationship.

He is too young. Not mature enough. Not in the position to be protecting me.

He is not romantic.

He is not smitten.

He is not trying to develop this into more.

Sigh. I want someone that loves me. It shouldn’t be this hard…