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It took me a while to write this. It’s been hard to get to this point.

I held Patrick up on a pedestal, because he was the first person to want to see me bald and to tell me I look better bald. We had the best sex that night, when he told me he’s never been so turned on his entire life.

This trip was special to me.

Before the trip, I had a nightmare. Just like how I had a nightmare about Idriss, before visiting him. The dreamt that Idriss and I got into a fight because he didn’t have time for me. It was exactly what happened.

This time, I dreamt something about Patrick asking me to pay $200, $300 for something. I actually just remembered it today, and it shocked the hell out of me. I am fucking intuitive! I’m not sure if I like it. It’s not like I can prevent anything that is bound to happen. So what’s the point of knowing?

I was excited about this trip. I didn’t want it to go badly. I thought that my excitement meant it’s all gonna be ok.

Somehow Patrick managed to fuck it all up. 7 hours before the flight, asking me to book a fucking hotel.

I must say that he was sweet on Day 1, introducing me to everyone, and we fucked twice. The show was so much fun. Day 2 we still hung out a lot. Had a little fight over gym confusion, but we still had sex. Day 3 he left me waiting until 8pm. We still had sex, but the rest of the night was shitty. Day 4, he arranged to take me downtown and ziplining, but it was with so much indifference it was painful. That night, I hung out with his friends instead.

I was in so much pain. I wrote 3 extremely nasty messages to him, with empty threats. My goal was just to give him pain.

I didn’t cry so much….I cried a lot more when I thought Matthew and I were over. I just didn’t know how to re-adjust my image of this person whom I valued.

Is it another lesson I must learn?

It’s been over a week. I feel more calm about it. Being back with Matthew cheered me up immensely.

I have this feeling that, it’s just meant to be. The fact that he asked me to go on a weekend. The fact that I booked the O show and can’t change date. The fact that it was the week before my period and I was moody. The fact that he was having whatever that caused him ask me to book a hotel. It was all meant to crash and burn, just like how we were meant to have sex that night.

And so, that’s how it went. The force of this was too strong, and there is no way I was going to get out of it alive.

I just don’t know why it has to be this way.

Why can’t he just be a good memory?

Part of me still has this feeling that he’ll come around and apologize. I’m not giving him a chance to, nor will I forgive him, so I don’t see how. But I feel that he will, somehow.

I feel that he is a very messed up person. I feel that given more time him and I would understand each other better and would be able to resolve this, but we didn’t have more time. Nor is he worth more time.

I try to think of the moments of his niceness….the kind that I understand:

• I said I brought him 2 presents. He said, “No, just one. You are the present.”
• “I’m all yours.”
• Always helped me carry bags and opened doors for me.
• Never checked out girls or hit on girl in front of me.
• Did arrange to take me downtown and ziplining as promised. Did message me the moment he got up, trying to be cheery. Did come up to have sex with me when I asked. It’s like, he has a sense of duty in a way. Not the same as mine, but there’s something there.
• He was surprisingly upset over me leaving him stranded at Blonde’s. Said he felt responsible for me and always kept me posted, but I didn’t do the same for him.

I also did love that we looked good together. Or, rather, we both looked good. And so many people complimented me right in front of him.

• A waitress said, “You two are an amazing couple.”
• Cirque du Soleil ticket lady said, “You must be a model.”
• Random guy wanted to hug me, right in Patrick’s line of sight as I was walking towards the roulette table.
• An Asian lady who worked at the casino asked if I was over 21 and carded me.
• Random woman came over to the roulette table to tell me I looked stunning (I was right beside Patrick). She said, “You are probably 20, but when I was young, Sinead O’Connor was so popular.”
• A couple more people said they liked my hair.
• A blind-looking lady said she liked my style.
• A young lady in the elevator said, “I just have to say, you look super sexy.”
• When walking with Patrick, all the black girls were staring at me.

Like all the guys, he’ll realize one day that he did me wrong, and will probably try to contact me. I want to know that he is sorry, but I really don’t care to see him ever again. We are done.

Bec and Tommy want to come over to visit me. That’s kinda funny. I didn’t expect that! I told Bec to bring Chad hahaha. Chad was such a hottie and such a good dancer. And he was pretty sweet to me.

Though in all honesty, Matthew is the hottest guy in my mind right now. Chad might be hot, but being so young makes him less attractive. His face seems to lack something…maybe it’s too much baby fat on his face. There’s something about Matthew’s face that comes with age. He is still young-looking, but there is something that makes him look older and more attractive to me.

If Matthew is capable of love, I’d be with him.

 

 

My period started two days ago…which means no Matthew until next week. Sigh.

Yesterday I looked at our messages, trying to remember when and how we started talking again.

It was in mid August 2015. I posted something about guys being naked. He made a comment, and I replied. I rarely replied to him. He quickly messaged me.

We had a super fun chat. We were both so witty.

I called him out on flirting and having a girlfriend. He said he was in a bored something and likely to call it quits soon. Well, it’s been almost a year. Still in it. Still has a biz with her. (I guess it took Norm a while to break out of his shitty relationship too.)

Doesn’t seem to post pics of them together anymore though.

We flirted more in September, then not much for 2, 3 months. Then he started messaging me again in December, and we flirted for 3, 4 months. Then we met up in March 2016, and started having sex.

So we got together after 7 months of on and off flirting. I’d like to think that he persevered…but maybe it’s just that I’m one of the people who always replied to him.

He wishes me happy birthday every year, and he cheered me up more times than he realizes.

I’m always happy to hear from him, because he is funny and pretty much always horny when we talk. If we are talking, it usually means he is horny. So much so that I am turned on whenever I see a message from him.

Yesterday, before going to bed, he sent me a kiss. That was a cute surprise. Maybe he’s been thinking about me too. We are connected.

But there isn’t much point in over thinking it. We are just friends with benefits.

Yes part of me wants to date. We are so similar. But, I also know that there is a side of him that I really won’t like. The side that is cold, self-centred, cheating, and vain. He won’t ever sacrifice for “love”.

He’ll always be a little insincere and out of reach I think. The cutest thing he’s said to me was “I super duper loved every yummy moment with you.” I think that’s as good as it gets.

For a Gemini, I guess he is more sincere than Patrick, but still skittish. Still no boyfriend material.

The best relationship we can have is the one we have now. Fuck buddies.

So in that sense, I want him to be in this bored relationship. I don’t want him to be single.

I want to have him in my life for years to come. When we are old, maybe we can be together. We’ll have lots to talk about, and we’ll both be very rich.

 

 

So addicted to Matthew right now.

I feel that I hang onto him even more now, wanting to erase Las Vegas nightmare.

I wish I could fuck him right now. I need some good memories to replace the bad ones.

He’s been pretty good about replying to me. And he’s been liking my posts as usual.

It makes me want him even more.

Not to mention he is smart, funny.

I stalked him a bit today and checked out his old photos. There was no trace of girlfriend for a year now. And before that, he’d post photos of himself, but without her. She’d make a grumpy comment and he wouldn’t reply.

If I didn’t know that they are in a business together, I would think that they are so done.

I fantasize about us being a couple. We’d be unstoppable…maybe.

But he is not the one. Too selfish, too Gemini. Sigh. He is so great in all other ways… recently he even showed interest in seeing me without a wig! If he likes it, that’s one of 2 deal breakers removed. But being a soul-less, selfish cheater is the other deal breaker.

Matthew, always does the unexpected.

I’m starting to see his style though.

• Takes the blame (never argues it) but states that he is that way with others too. No bad intention. (He’s done that before)
  • Told me that he has been the same way with his friends, not initiating chats nor activities because he is too busy and stressed
• Never mention gf / possibly jealousy issues
  • Told me he just walled himself up for weeks (implying that he wasn’t spending that time doing fun things or hanging out with his gf)
• Never brings out the flaws of others.
  • Never accused me of not messaging him etc.
• Tries to correct my negative assumption
  • Only accused me of not being fair, saying that he doesn’t respect me, because he does respect me.
• Sweet talking to make you still want him
  • Said we are largely on the same page. That he “super duper loved every yummy moment with me”.
• Ready to let go, not showing any attempt to change or improve in order to save this. This part hurts me the most.
  • Said that I should be happy, and so I should go find a better version of him.
  • Said that I would just be upset more in the future because he comes across as cold.
• And then, cleverly (intentional or not), said that he still wants me
  • Basically, I want you, I didn’t mean it badly, but I won’t change. Take it or leave it.

I think about what I want out of this, and how I’d get it.

I want him to willingly offer to be more communicative, and to see me more than once a month. I know in the past I’ve made the mistake of asking for it straight up, like an order. I asked to see Josh every other day. He was turned off by that. Not to mention that’s very frequent. The part that threw me off was that he agreed to it upfront, but wasn’t going to follow-through.

It has to be his own words. It has to be him wanting to do it and choosing to do it.

I’m not giving ultimatums. But I will stop seeing him as soon as he does it again. Assuming he agrees to change…

The thing is, this had really drained me today. I was so sad. Balled my eyes out. Lied down a couple times.

Actually, just re-read his messages. I think he is not as into continuing as I first interpreted…

Anyway, I’m ok with not having him. Maybe it should just be that. Maybe I’ll just leave it at that and not reply. I’m going on a Vegas vacation. That’s plenty to occupy my mind!

I’ll reply if/when he next messages me, because that’s when he is thinking about me.

I imagine that if I want him to voluntarily step it up a notch, I would:

• Talk about something him and I can both do to improve. e.g. I will work on this, and you will work on that. It’s mainly an experiment. This is more bf / gf type convo.
• Talk about standards
• Be ok to end it
• Relate to his entrepreneurism / stress / walling off

I know all too well what you mean about the stress of the business making you not initiate chats and activities with friends. I’ve been exactly the same.

Truth is I’ve walled myself off so often, I now have a real hard time initiating things with friends. I put them in my shoes, and feel that I would be interrupting their busy lives and would be getting a no.

In our situation my hang-ups are amplified. I think a normal person would’ve messaged you early on instead of waiting a month for you to say, let’s have sex!

I would love it if every two weeks is our rhythm…which isn’t a lot but would be perfect. No guessing, just a polite heads-up if it wasn’t going to work out that week.

And I thought our sex was so good, being without it for a month would be hard. Though we are surprisingly similar the more I learn about you, a whole month is stupidly long for me.

 

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I know all too well what you mean about the stress of the business making you not initiate chats and activities with friends. I’ve been exactly the same.

I just thought our sex was so good, being without it for a month would be hard. Though we are surprisingly similar, a whole month is stupidly long for me.

I would love it if every two weeks is our rhythm…which isn’t a lot but would be perfect. No guessing, just a polite heads-up if it wasn’t going to work out that week.

 

Asked for Patrick’s address yesterday, and he replied fairly quickly.

He lives on a “Flamingo” road.

I checked out the complex. It looks great! Looks high end. Even has a pool!

I told him I love flamingos. He said, “Then I’ll take you to see live ones.”

That just made my day 🙂

So Matthew didn’t message me about meeting up in a month. In fact, the past two months he hasn’t initiated a chat with me. All he did was liking my FB posts.

I was torn. I did not like this. Thankfully there’s Patrick and Ashley. They offered some distraction.

I tried to calm myself down and not be too upset. I came up with possible reasons that he didn’t contact me, like, maybe he is getting over an STD, lol. Yes, that would’ve made me feel slightly better.

First week, I was still missing him so much. I smelled the towel he used. I prepared my “unicorn” outfit for when I see him. I even bought a Pusheen unicorn keychain for his birthday.

Second week, I felt awful because he still hadn’t messaged me. I hated that just when I went out on a limb and purchased things for him (face masks, keychain), he treated me this way.

3 weeks passed. I finally started to give up. I booked a flight to see Patrick. I continue to chat with Ashley. I didn’t think about Matthew as much.

4 weeks passed. I forgot about him in many ways and felt a little annoyed when he liked my FB posts (Like, oh, you’re still around?)

And last night, he messaged me. Saying that it’s been a long time.

I tried to stay calm about this. This morning I asked him why. Pretty much got the most insincere response I can imagine. He said he has been having busy weekends.

I replied to let him know that if he is too busy to meet once in 4, 5, weeks, and can’t even let me know about it, then that shows how much he respects me, which is not very much.

He replied to say he thought we can go about our busy lives and, said, but I understand, and apologized.

That’s also a bad response, because he wasn’t disagreeing with my statement about not respecting me.

Basically, he really doesn’t think he needed to respect me.

It’s really sad. Makes me sad. I would cry, but I have fresh lash extensions.

I wrote up a reply, talking about how I think busy-ness is understandable, but it’s only polite and respectful to let the other person know. I talked about how if I went to China for a month without letting him know, that means I don’t care whether I see him or not when I return.

But I decided to not send it. What’s the point?

The part that hurts is that I needed and wanted him in my life, every two weeks, or every weekend if I can. But he didn’t need or want me for the past four weeks, and he didn’t think he would lose me.

Well, he did.

I can’t think of a way that I would take him back. So, this is the end.

I know, people care in different ways. I would never be out of touch for more than 2 weeks. I would be polite and respectful. But, I also wouldn’t stalk someone for 7 years and try to meet up with them. What I consider a minimal gesture of caring, he can’t meet it. But he does other things that are more than what I would never do.

Alas. It doesn’t matter now. I’m just trying to see it this way so I don’t feel as bad.

I predicted that he would hurt me. I channeled into a “feeling” one day to see into the future a bit. I felt that he would hurt me and then make it up to me. I don’t see how though.

I tried to channel into a prediction about Patrick and I, but part of me is afraid to see it for real. So I don’t know if it’s accurate. I think we’ll be ok. I’ve been excited about this trip! Just that he is flakey so I really want the day to arrive asap, so I can meet up with him as planned.

God, please give me and Patrick a good time in Las Vegas! So far no luck with good times with Matthew (insincere asshole) nor Ashley (awkward, not sure if we are dating) nor Jackson (who tried to get my number again from Ty, but he is way too kinky and rough, not to mention too slow about getting my number).

 

 

 

I am so super excited about going to see Patrick!

Part of me worry about all the things that might go wrong. But I need to not do that. Everything I’ve been exposed to the past week tells me not to. TED talks, the speech by Paster Joel Osteem. Think positively. Believe that you have the abundance given to you in all of eternity.

It’s about 40 degrees in Las Vegas right now. Omg! I don’t know what I’d be wearing….tomorrow I’m going to Forever 21 to buy some cute clothes.

Ashley is hardly a distraction, but still, it helps. He told me an example of how geek he was. It was quite cute. He is such a good looking geek haha.

The fact that Matthew stopped talking to me….it’s hard on me. But I try to be very grown up about this. I’ve decided that if he asks to come over, I’ll ask him why it took him so long. We’ll go from there. For now, I won’t think about him.

On the ferry back from Victoria to Vancouver. The sun is gorgeous. The weather is perfect. It’ not too noisy on the ferry. No one annoying is sitting in front of me. Parked at the ferry, so I can just drive home after we dock. Ahhh, so nice.

I have to learn to love every moment in life. Have to learn that enjoying all the blessings does not mean things might go another way. It’ll take a bit of practice!

I want to do a daily “I am”.

I am blessed. I am lucky. I am beautiful. I am full of energy. I am influential. I am smart. I am happy. I am successful. I am excited about each day. I am abundant.

I am right on track in growing my business to $1MM revenue a year. I have a handful of fun, sincere, great friends who make me happy.

Mom has pretty much decided to not buy the townhouse. It’s a very nice house, but she can’t smoke on its balcony.

I like the house too, but I wouldn’t love it if I have to stay on the main floor. I’m used to staying on the second floor and having my privacy. I also love being high up.

But Mom likes the master bedroom more too. For that reason. I wasn’t super thrilled about it. It’s not too bad though.

Mom and I are now leaning towards demolishing this house and building a prefab on it. This way we can pretty much design it from scratch!

Mom just bought a townhouse! She saw it on day 1, bought it on day 2. Pretty hilarious. I’m excited for us!

She was looking into borrowing money from me, if it is needed.

So I tallied up my cash and stock. Apparently I have about $600,000 CAD total! And about $200K USD of it in cash. I need to diversify very soon.

Sales not going as well as previous months, which is worry-some. I’m developing the bridal kit now though. Hopefully the new products will do well.

 

Flight booked. Cirque du Soleil O show booked. Going to see Patrick in Las Vegas!

I can’t believe I’m doing this. Haha.

I’m scared and excited. The day I booked it, I was so excited I can’t sleep. I ended up sleeping just a couple hours before TEDxStanleyPark.

Then today, I woke up with a bad dream that Patrick facebook messaged me about some issues about me staying longer. That’s when I realized how scared I am.

I’m staying 4 nights and 5 days. Thursday to Monday morning. Longer than I had planned. But it’s the only way….he wanted me to go on the weekend, and weekend flights are expensive/sold out.

So I’m scared because, it’s fairly long of a stay. I’m scared because, he is not the most reliable person. And, scared because of bad experience visiting Idriss in SF.

But I feel better about this than with Idriss. With Idriss, I had a nightmare too. And I felt weird about it before going.

With this trip visiting Patrick, I’m excited!

Here’s my thinking:

1. If I’m fun to be around, me staying longer ain’t a problem. So I gotta remember to be fun, light-hearted, adventurous. A happy state of mind is happiness – says Tony Robins.
2. If we give each other some breathing room, that helps too. I’ll work for a few hours each day from a coffee shop.
3. Remember what it was like when we first met. I laughed so hard at things he said. I cared about him. I think those are important things.
4. Just be good to him and not expect too much. Expectation is the cause of all sadness and fights.
5. If he has to be out, has to leave me at home, I am ok with that. I can: get some work done, go to a pub by myself. If it was at night? Men…I should probably hop on Tinder? I hope I don’t have to do that. But it’s important to go out if he is out, and busy. Maybe I can meet people.

 

I know I’m blessed with so much.

This year seems more difficult than last year. Maybe because last year I finally had a big break and thought it’s going to be more smooth sailing from here on.

The years before I took on a lot of frustration…probably even more so than this year. So I should probably start thinking that this is a shitty year (It’s the year of the monkey.)

China trip was full of obstacles, but many things also went smoothly. Got to see Sally and the owner, got to see pandas, got to meet with Jeremy and his staff, got to go to both Canton Fair and YiWu Fair, got to see the Yeh Family. Got to build a better relationship with Tina and Chris, Dad, Daisy, Uncle Bill and Jane, and Mitch. Got to see Jackie, Irene, Ning, Tiffany and her dad. Got to buy lots of new shoes haha.

I did get my Taiwanese passport. I almost lost my bag (with all my passports inside) but didn’t. Keesha really took care of things for me. Matthew cheered me up when I needed him. Oh and Ashley messaged me 🙂

Yes, lots of shit happened after I got back too. Hijacker. Bad, but solvable. And I did get rid of him in 4 days.

Sales not as good as February, but, I’m finding ways to improve this.

Matthew….saw him 2 days after I got back and we had an incredible time. But….haven’t seen him in 3 weeks. It was his birthday yesterday. He was depressed about it.

He’s been liking my posts on FB, but hasn’t messaged me. I don’t know what it means. I sense that he is either too depressed about getting old or too busy.

I try not to guess why he behaves a certain way. There are too many possible reasons, and it’s pointless to overthink. Instead, I start tiny chats with Ashley here and there. He is really cute.

Ideally, I have another fuck buddy, but, I don’t yet. Do I really have to go on Tinder for this? I guess I gotta look in order to get. Even someone sexy like Matthew has to put effort in.

Maybe I’ll just go see Patrick. It’ll be an expensive way to get sex lol. But I promised him I would visit in May or June.

I need to go hard at it. I need to get the rings’ sales up. I need to get the new products launched.

Meanwhile, play hard when I can.

This is going to be an amazing year. I’m going to make it awesome!