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I know I know, it’s inevitable. He is so cute. So sexy.

I keep his business card in my wallet. I was going to add him on WeChat during my China trip, but forgot to. Facebook was working during the times I needed to talk to him.

The day before, I finally remembered to add him on WeChat, and saw that he had tried to add me twice, in 2014! I guess it doesn’t mean that much, but still very cute.

We chatted a little bit. I installed a Kamasutra app and showed him the positions that looked interesting. He responded in a cute way as usual.

When we said good night, he sent a string of emoticons of drooling heart-eyed, smiling, and smooching faces. I was so happy to see that. It’s not much….I guess my expectations are low….but still, I like that he did that. I think he basically types what he feels, so that reflects how he feels.

I fantasize about him all day while at IMAX today with Mom. He turns me on so much. When I fantasize, I often imagine a conversation…I’m so weird.

I need to remember that, my ideal guy has two musts:

1. Loves me even more with my alopecia
2. Is sincere in how he loves me. i.e. Monogamous

Matthew has so many great qualities, but he doesn’t have these two.

It’s ok. I’ll just enjoy what we have for right now. In a few months, the passion will likely fizzle out anyway. I can’t imagine it right now, but it seems inevitable. Part of me wishes that we are special. The 7-year love affair means something. But I know that’s unlikely. I don’t want to get my hopes up. I don’t want to get too attached.

Imagine us being at that point…..one starts to lose interest, the other reciprocates, and before you know it, we stop talking. I sort of can see that he would be the one doing it, either because he found another fb, or he got tired of this, and I would notice it and end it. Then later on, he’ll try to come back to me, but I would say no. No for good. I think that’s likely how it’ll play out. So sad already… The only way to not be sad is to have a boyfriend by then.

Right now, I’m trying to figure out what makes him tick:

• I think having a sexy booty is number one for visual attraction.
• Changing things up is probably another top one.
• Praising/complimenting him. Words are important for Gemini’s.
• Allowing him to be that guy that I want – inspiring etc. Things I said I look for in a boyfriend. I want to slip my #1 in, but really, no point. I’ll just say, being kind and sincere. At least he’ll let me down gently when he exits my life.
• Allowing him to feel that he is protecting me. I think I’ll try cuddling with him that way.
• Be turned on by him. Make him feel desired.
• Make him feel needed. Maybe just by saying it.
• Do funny things. Like planting a Pusheenicorn on his keychain

If he is nice to me and attracted to me, I won’t ever get tired of him. So really it seems like it’s more likely that he’ll be the one ending it after a while.

The only scenario I can think of where I would end it first, is if I find someone that I want to be in a relationship with. Fat chance of that happening haha.

He really has a lot going on about him that makes him irresistible to me. He even loves cute animals, which is important to me because I want to travel to a giraffe manor with my boyfriend.

I wonder how many guys have these traits. I just want a boyfriend like him, but has those two must-have qualities: loves me even more with my alopecia, and won’t cheat on me.

 

Can’t believe Jason got married! Happy for him.

The wedding was pleasant. It was to start at 6pm. I arrived at 6:20pm. It was to really start at 6:30pm.

Damien was one of the best men. Cute! The groomsmen and bridesmaids walked out singly. It was funny to see Jason walked out awkwardly by himself. I couldn’t stop laughing.

Ji came out. It was the first time I saw her! She was pretty. Her smile was not blossomy and her skin was not very good, but still, quite pretty.

The ceremony was pretty brief. Outdoor, gorgeous weather.

I saw Peter as I walked in. With his wife Joanna. Then I saw Trina and Mike (and Javen who I just met). It was good to see familiar-ish faces. Then I saw Gill, Harry, and Harry’s wife, Thu!

I mostly chatted with Gill and Damian.

Gill is at Git Hub now. Good for her! Damian at Google still. Jason quit and moved to GoFundMe. Harry has a 1.5 yo daughter. They recently moved back to Vancouver. Peter was not thrilled about his 2 daughters moving back from University over the summer. Kids seem like a lot of pain. But then again, no pain no gain. Relationships are a lot of pain also.

Funny how, friends I had met in the past are more special than I expected. I felt like I didn’t know or want to know many of them, but, turned out they are all I get. I should probably hang out with them more.

I do want more quality friends though…

 

 

 

5 weeks in Taiwan/China means it’s been about 6 weeks since I saw Matthew. I needed to see him so bad. I felt like this has been a hard trip, and I needed his TLC.

I arranged to see him even before I came back. We saw each other yesterday, and again, he was amazing. We enjoyed each other so much.

I’m uncertain about this sexlationship….feels like I can lose it any time. But then again, it comes with the freedom.

I didn’t want to assume any thing… that there will be a next time, that we’ll still enjoy each other, that he’d even show up the day he said he would.

He came at 10pm. I went downstairs with a tight white top and a black mini skirt. He loved my skirt. Apparently he only remembers my bottoms. This was only the 3rd time we saw each other. He remembered the white shorts from the first time but not the salmon pink sweater I wore. And the second time, I wore a denim onesie, and he only remembered it as tight jeans lol. (It’s cute that he tried to recall what I wore each time, and had noticed that I like dressing up.)

I was so nervous and excited and all cute when I saw him. I skipped to him and jumped onto him. A car pulled out from the garage and I quickly got down so I don’t moon the driver. I can tell he thought I was really cute.

We kissed so hard because we missed each other so much.

When we came up here, for a moment, he just hugged me tight. It felt nice. It felt like we needed each other.

Throughout the night, he said quite a few times that it’s been too long. He said that he’s just been drinking with friends on Friday nights and feeling tired the next day. With me he felt good the next day.

I didn’t expect him to not find someone else to fill in my spot while I was away… It’s nice to know that it seems to be the case. Well, he’s been busy working.

I made it pretty clear that I didn’t sleep with other guys on this trip. Not that he seemed to care, but I will maintain that image that I’m sexy but not a slut.

He pleased me like usual…ear-nibbling. But I must admit, it didn’t have the same effect as before.. I was surprised….and a little disappointed. Can this magic trigger have vanished already?? I asked him to bite my neck, which was more effective in turning me on this time.

Maybe I was too preoccupied with my wig…it wasn’t staying on as well as before. Or maybe it’s the jet lag.

But I remember how Patrick stopped having the same effect on me when he visited last year.

Maybe it was from not having seen each other a while? Maybe because I wasn’t in the mood (was having my period / jet lagged). Or maybe that’s just how I am.

Still, there’s no one else I’d rather sleep with. He is so damn sexy and flirty. I think he is more muscular since last I saw him. His 11 lines turned me on so bad. I’m finding his ass super cute too. I think it’s his ass obsession rubbing off on me.

His ass is very much a bubble butt. But a tiny one, so it’s super cute. Patrick has a tiny ass too, and it’s shaped in a masculine, even sexier way. No doubt Patrick’s body is bar-none…. but Matthew’s is ridiculously sexy too.

His penis hurt me a little this time. But I’m ok today. Just my neck hurt a bit from all the biting. Kinda a turn on. It didn’t leave any very noticeable hickeys, which is good. I want to see Ashley this coming week lol!

When he was ready to come, he came in like, 1 second, literally. Interesting how he is.

We browsed my panda videos, chatted about referral marketing. He’s had a busy day today with 4 meetings. He was mentally drained. But he still performed in bed.

I was jet lagged….but was fine during his visit.

For round two, we had plan on having oil sex, but he wasn’t sure if he can do it. He said he was old (and tired).

So we made out first. He saw my ass, and he was hard again. “I’m so simple!” he said. Hahaha.

We put down the table cloth, then the sheets. I warmed up some coconut oil. We put it on each other, which was kinda hot. The coconut oil was thick though. Thicker than mineral oil. And more noisy. I liked mineral oil more (but it clogs pores apparently). Still it was fun. He was hard.

He asked if I wanted him to face me when he came. I think we both preferred it. He kept saying to not look at him when he came. I said, “Look at me,” and made the gnarling face that he made last time hahaha.

He was thrilled about the face masks I gifted him. Rose vs. Peptide. I’m glad I chose the more up to date one for him, because he was definitely studying the ingredients.

The only thing I didn’t like about the night was that he mentioned “his half” which I think meant his gf. I think they were cooking up the sample for their Taiga brand. In his kitchen.

I wish I could start a thriving business with my boyfriend. But then, if that boyfriend was to cheat on me…I’d rather not.

I walked him to his car to get the parking pass. He thanked me like he did last time. He kissed the top of my head a couple times, which was cute. We also kissed quite a bit…I love kissing him.

Part of me feels that it’s not the same as before. I wonder if he felt it too. We are getting used to each other, fast. How long will this last? At the same time, I still love having sex with him…so I hope it lasts.

 

 

May 1^st! Day 1 of Canton Fair Phase 3. The crowd is noticeably smaller than Phase 2.

I’m pretty seasoned now. I walked through quickly first.

I found a few good bag supplier. Too many to choose from actually.

But period panties, not so much.

Ben A recently reached his $1MM milestone. I’m so jealous. I wish I could be there already.

Knot Theory is doing very so so on Amazon right now. $31K the past month. But seeing so many products I can sell, I should be able to do $1MM soon.

If I have 3 products that do $35K per month, then that’s $100K per month, which is $1MM per year.

I found McDonalds during lunch time. I was so thrilled! I decided I was going to get a burger, and not care about being paleo. I miss having something like that….fried chicken.

The chicken was good, but the burger was pretty lame. There was hardly any lettuce. Coke was not my thing anymore. And the fries were bland. The strawberry pie tasted alright, but so not healthy. $59RMB. Expensive for what you get.

A somewhat cute guy sat at the table beside me. But he spoke Spanish and was with all his colleague.

I think he was mildly interested. I was too tired to do anything. I wouldn’t know what to do anyway. I think I must’ve looked really uninteresting too. I was just sitting there, not really enjoying my crappy food.

An old, ugly Italian came to chat with me. He is an architect. He was showing me the houses he designed. It was impressive. But he was too aggressive in trying to meet me. It was creepy.

Maybe he was a really nice guy…but still….a bit too much. He told me about him helping a lady who lost her passport and wallet, years ago at the Canton Fair. He let her stay with him for 3 days! That was nice of him.

I left sort of in a hurry in order to avoid him. I forgot my invisalign. I was so mad! I had endured pain to get on that invisalign (because I thought I lost the set before it). Now I have to go back to that set…sigh.

I was so upset. And the meal made me feel even worse. After walking for a bit, I sat down to take some notes and just to rest. My backpack was in the way of me leaning against the chair, so I took it off. It crossed my mind that I might forget it, but then I never did, so I took it off still.

Fast forward maybe half an hour later….I was walking down an isle. I suddenly remembered that I didn’t have my backpack!!!! I freaked. I didn’t even quite remember where I sat! I just remembered seeing some furry clothing! Which section was that???? I ran around. I looked at my map. I could hardly think. I thought about the girl that the Italian guy had helped. Oh fuck. I did the same! My passport was in there!

I ran around aimlessly. I was lost. I looked at my map and thought, maybe section 6.1. That’s underwear section, but mixed with other stuff. I think I was there. I had gone through section 8.0 and 8.1 by then. God knows if my stuff was still there!

I felt a sense of calm and excitement, feeling that I will be alright, feeling that it’ll be a story to tell….but part of me was trying to tell myself that this aina’t no joke! What if I really lost my bag!!! And my passport! Both of my passports! And my Taibao ID! At least I had my phone with me, and there were photos of my Ids on there.

I ran into section 6.1, and to my extreme relief, my bag was right there by a chair! A Norwegian man was sitting beside it. I think it helped that he was sitting there. I was secretively appreciative. He was really nice. We chatted for a bit while I calmed down. He was accompanying his daughter to do some fashion purchasing for the course she is taking. Lucky girl.

Funny how I was feeling so shitty about losing my invisalign, and two things happened:

1. I was letting this smaller thing overtake me, which possibly caused me to let a bigger thing happen (forgetting my bag)
2. When I found my bag, I was no longer as bothered by my lack of invisalign. Put things into perspective!

Finally got my Taibao Zheng a couple days ago, and now, finally it’s time to go to China! I hope everything goes well and that I safely enter into China and exit China with my IDs.

I got a text from Ashley the day before, and I was thrilled.

He was coming to Vancouver for a few days, playing with the Vancouver Symphony, and they put him up in a downtown hotel! Aww…to think we could’ve had lots of fun together in his hotel..

Alas, I’m glad that he thought of me, and it turned me on. I can’t wait to see him when I’m back. I think we’ll get to make out, maybe have sex! Will it be good? Dunno! He is much more non-player-like compared to Patrick and Matthew. I may be disappointed. But still, I want to try him out.

Mom was so funny. I told her that I’d like to go with the strategy of 10 products for $10K/month each (Actually, more like, 3~5 products at $30~50K/month each). Then when I told her I was gonna have more fun this year, and that I plan to meet more guys to have sex with, she paralleled it to my biz strategy lol! It’s quite true, actually.

I’m setting big goals and manifesting them into reality. My time line is as soon as possible.

I will have these:

Business: Thriving and generating $1MM profit per year

• $5MM CAD in cash/land
• Thriving and lucrative businesses that bring in $1MM USD per year in profit.
• Lots of great business opportunities and connections, to make even more money. Connections with billionaires.
• Businesses are fun, and quite stable
• Have competent people working for me
• Location independent

Time and Freedom: Plenty

• Free time to play
• Freedom to play
• Not stressed

Friends, Family, Boyfriend: Loving, fun, and plenty

• Have lots of great friends who are great to me, smart, funny, ambitious, interesting, unique, and successful
• Mom and Dad are happy and healthy
• Have an awesome boyfriend who loves me and is good for me
• Lots of amazing sex

Personal Development: Happy, healthy, lucky, and becoming better at volleyball and wave machine

• Lucky
• Have gotten really good at surfing in a wave machine
• Have gotten really good at volleyball
• Have abs
• Happy
• Healthy
• Have freedom which partially stem from good discipline

I didn’t talk to Matthew in a while. Maybe a week.

The passport issue had me so depressed.

But I miss him everyday, and I decided to talk to him yesterday. He was quicker to respond this time, and he was cute as always. So, I was in a good mood yesterday 🙂

I said, “Miss this guy…”, and sent a unicorn Pusheen cat sticker, lol. He said, “Aw…miss this bunny too”. I wonder if I said “I miss you..”, he would say the same. It’d seem too emotionally involved.

In any case, I have to remember that we are not dating. As much as I think I want to. I have to remember that he doesn’t even want to see me without hair.

I need a guy who loves me with and without hair. I need a guy who loves me. I need a guy whom I love. I need a guy with whom, we are better than without each other, and we can rule the world together. We’d enjoy each other so much, that there’s no chance of anyone coming between us.

But until then, there’s Matthew. So adorable, hot, sexy, flirty, funny, and gives me such amazing orgasms. I swear that as long as he is interested in me, I’ll always be attracted to him. I wish I could find someone who feels the same about me.

—

Went to see Jungle Book with Tina! It’s actually a really good movie! I had lots of fun.

After that, we went shopping. And I, as usual, spent all my cash. Good thing I didn’t bring more money. I bought 3 belly rings, a stack of cards, and a pair of Thai-style-elephant capri pants! We ate my favourite foods: 炸臭豆腐，臭豆腐和豬血冬粉湯，刨冰，奶油（和芋頭）餅！We talked about the more personal stuff, and she told me about her job, which is pricing. She is such a competent worker. I wish we could work together. But I’d be afraid that we’d fight, as most business partnerships seem to go.

I ate way too much. I need to not do that. I need to keep fit, so I can have lots of fun sex with Matthew. I can’t wait to be home for that.

 

 

 

 

 

Uncle Mitch found my Taibao ID today! He shipped it out using FedEx. Fingers crossed that it arrives in time!

It was sheer luck that he found it…the tupperware was by the bed, not in the closet!! Thank you, my God and guardian angels!

There was a time I held such anger towards Mitch. But now I’m grateful, and I’m glad I didn’t leash it out on him in the past.

Mom has been so helpful too. I’m grateful.

Some things I learned today:

1. People are closer when we help each other.
2. It’s a good thing to help people. It’s like getting karma points
3. Try to not judge or hate people. No one is perfect. No one is bad all the time or good all the time.
4. Try to not talk about people. Talk instead about ideas, or tell a funny story

—

Aunt GuiFen, Daisy, Mom, and I went to ShengWan Japanese restaurant today. It was $30~$50 CAD per person! Holy shit.

I had tepanyaki, which included a beautiful miso starter soup, sashimi, tepanyaki steak, steamed rice with stuff, a different miso soup, a soy milk pudding dessert, and tea. It was really not worth $50, but it was quite yum. Aunt GuiFen treated us! So nice 🙂

Daisy really liked me today, which felt good. I don’t think she liked me as much before. It’s as though something happened today that she suddenly liked me.

Maybe because I was funny? Maybe because I listened to Allen talk last time? It does feel so much better to be around her, and made me like her more.

I remember that Mom really liked her friend’s mom, because she was praising her and really expressing her fondness towards Mom. Mom had so much fun that day haha.

Lesson learned:

How to get people to like you more? Like them a lot 🙂

We browsed around in SoGo. Everything was so expensive and not that beautiful. I guess the acrylic lip purses were cute, but kind of pointless.

Mom bought some thermos.

We then went downstairs and ate. We had tofu dessert and cream puffs haha. Daisy loved those things.

—

I miss Matthew. I miss being loved, at least physically. I miss not getting mosquito bites.

I haven’t replied to him though, since his message 4 days ago. I realized that every time I replied, I got anxious waiting for him to write back. I’ve been too stressed out (and embarrassed) by my lack of entry ID, that I decided to not write him back for now. I fantasize about him sometimes, but sometimes I fantasize about something else. He is on my mind every day, but, I feel that it’s a lost cause. He’ll never be the person I want to be with.

I want to find someone who really loves me, and loves me in a way that I understand. And I’d love him back. And that we are better together. We are a force to be reckoned with. We are unstoppable. We are happy, exhilerated to be with each other, and never lose our love for each other. A twin flame.

I didn’t bring my Taiwanese passport. Or entry card. Or id. I didn’t bring anything. I thought I could enter into China as a Canadian without a Visa. I was wrong. Now, I have to ask Norm to find my Taiwanese entry card. I don’t even know for sure if it is in the Burnaby condo. I really screwed up royally this time.

Please, my dear God and Guardian angels….please, help me. I really want to grow my business, and provide for my family, myself, and my friends. I really want to succeed. Please allow Norm to find my Taiwanese entry card, so that I can enter into China.

Went to the airport and came back yesterday. Felt so defeated. Mom tried to be as upbeat and forgiving as possible. I felt so dumb.

Talked to Norm. He tried to be helpful, which was sweet. Helped me feel better.

I haven’t told most people about my blunder. So embarrassing….

—

Matthew finally messaged me back. It took him a day or two. He used to be more responsive. Maybe he was away during the weekend. But maybe I’m too far away to matter.

I was a bit upset after messaging him, because he was online and read the message, but didn’t reply right away. It’s alarming that he affected my mood so much. I had to make a conscious effort to let it go. To not feel so sad. To not take his actions to heart.

This morning when I woke up, I saw his reply, finally. It’s a cute reply, so I still like him. I don’t want to reply back right away though. I didn’t realize that I could feel so bad when he doesn’t reply back right away. The whole wait time was gruelling. I’ll just enjoy the fact that he was the last to message me.

 

Missing Matthew so much I can hardly contain myself. I guess I really feel the extra need for intimacy, comfort, laughter right now.

I wonder if he misses me…

He always words it differently. That he is daydreaming about the naughty stuff we did. Never says he misses me, but he is usually the first to message me.

I think about the fact that he has no intention of dating me. Why is that?

There are clues to what he thinks of me. For example he joked about us having babies together and how we have such great DNA. He thinks we are similar. He likes that I was a software engineer. He likes that I’m business’s oriented. He loves my body. Does he like my face? Yeah. He’s said that he used to not be able to tell plain asian from a good looking one. Or the fact the he is such a body person, but never had to go for a less good looking face.

At the same time, he doesn’t want to date. Even when I said a brief dating period such as 4 months, he shortened it to one month. Why is that? He also makes it clear that he can never commit to a monogamous relationship.

I guess there’s no need to over think, because he won’t be a good boyfriend. Can’t keep his dick in his pants, nor constrain his flirting. Just like Patrick.

If he really wants to date, I will have a hard time saying no, because he is such a great match for me in many ways. But it’s a no, no matter what. So, no need to over think. I just miss everything about him…