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Went to Matt Astifan’s Internet Mastermind meetup the night before. 6 speakers, competing for an award. One good thing happened and one bad. The good was I got asked to judge. The bad was David Child was there too, as one of the judges. Interestingly it was David that suggested to Matt that I helped judge. He said to Matt, “She is very smart. But she hates me.” Lol. I do.

I did alright. I think I could’ve been a bit funnier. But overall I seemed well received. I’m glad I dressed up instead of dressing down.

Panties by Post owner Natalie won the contest, yay, female entrepreneur! Apparently Rob Green helped her with her sales funnel. I didn’t tell her I was going to do panties too….I gotta figure out how to go about this.

Sid had great content and did a great job as a speaker. Matt and I both thought so. But somehow Rob and David gave him really low scores and he didn’t even win top 3.

Matt was slightly nicer to me that night, probably because I helped judged. On the way to our cars, he said something about me and Deon being his friends. I was like, “We are? We never hang out!” That night he msged me to see if I wanted to hang out, haha.

Well, I like that he is very action oriented, like most good entrepreneurs. He invited me to his house for dinner the next day (yesterday). He ran a bit late so I didn’t get there ’til 9, but it was still quite sincere. He said he had ribs in the fridge, I thought he meant leftovers. Turned out he was cooking it while I was there. He had wine too. Already opened but tasted good.

Harvested some kale and lime off his balcony and made a tiny salad. Oh and he sauteed some shrimps.

He turned on the TV and asked what I wanted to watch. Lol. I was like, don’t we talk? So we talked.

Then he wanted to smoke weed. He tried to teach me. I guess I got a hang of it, but I still didn’t get high.

His cats, Miyagi and Miko were really pretty. They climbed around too, which was cute.

I felt him sitting closer and closer to me. I was trying to not have it go down that path. I avoided it until he said, “Do you wanna make out?” I said, “No.” He was just not good looking enough. He is chill and a good guy, but his body is so not hot.

Matthew…so different, so much hotter. But it’s Patrick that I miss. I’ve been missing him all day today.

It’s amusing that Matt was trying to seduce me while wearing batman sweat pants. That’s just….not sure what to think of it.

Oh yeah, he told me that I was the reason why him and his girlfriend broke up a few months ago. Whaaat. Turned out she was super insecure. Well, that’s not the best story. Not like he had a crush on me or anything. But, I had no idea I could break a relationship. This same girl is now pregnant, and Matt is gonna be a dad! Holy shit!

Well, so, it was kind of a fun night. He hit on me, which wasn’t unexpected, but he doesn’t touch me like TJ did, so we can still be friends.

Even though I wasn’t interested in him, I was still turned on. I thought about Patrick a lot.

I briefly thought about Idriss, first time in a long time. Then, when I got up this morning, I saw an email from him, saying,

Tanya,

I just wanted to tell you that I have been a dumbshit idiot with no patience, and that stress and jetlag does not excuse everything

I am not asking you to see each other again, I just want to feel at peace and ask you to forgive me

If I can do anything for your business, please tell me

take care

–Idriss

Well, I expected to see that sooner or later. He is a gemini after all. He’ll always want to reconnect. That’s what I read about gemini anyway. So far, Patrick and Matthew have been like that too.

I’m not replying to Idriss. I’m not gonna engage in this conversation. Yes, I’d like to tell him that he was rude, and that he shouldn’t have invited me if he was going to be stressed and jet-lagged. I’d like to tell him that I had two friends who offered to let me stay with them. But these things aren’t important anymore. They are not worth initiating a conversation for.

The truth is, I don’t care to tell him I forgave him. The truth is, I wonder if there’s an ulterior motive behind this action. He probably wants to show off he is doing well, either in business or in love. In any case, it didn’t matter to me.

Being in his life is not fun. The week we met we had fun. After that, nope. I’d want to roll back to that if I could. I’ve had to made peace with the nasty things he said, and his insincerity. Apologies don’t fix mistakes.

Patrick. I don’t really understand him.

He hadn’t replied to my last message, which made me somewhat sad for a long time.

But just now, he messaged me. He wants to sell my rings.

At first I thought he was promoting for me. And I guess he is doing that too. But then, he asked me about the MOQ for custom engraving etc. He wants to sell them to Aussie Hunks female customers. Lol. Interesting spin.

I’m not sure whether to feel flattered or not. Probably no need to think much about it.

As much as I want to think more out of everything he does, it’s just not a good idea. His thoughts are all over the place.

Yeah, he likes me. He likes me enough to fly over here to see me. We’ll just leave it at that.

Matthew is easier to read. His mind is not as fleeting. When he talks to me he talks to me. When he is busy he lets me know. Well…actually, when he was 24, he certainly did just stop talking to me. At least twice. Is it an age / maturity thing? Or maybe the older they get the more they learn to appreciate me.

Accidentally gave away rings for free when people buy 2. Sigh.

This sucks.

I hope they can reverse it but I doubt they will.

Need to get over it somehow….

I’ve been practicing what Dr. Rick Hanson talked about on Bulletproof Radio. Basically, take a moment for gratitude and let those happy thoughts sink in for 10, 15 seconds.

https://www.rickhanson.net/dr-rick-hanson-on-bulletproof-radio/

I have to say I am definitely happier. I’m also happier when I drink the bulletproof coffee.

I’m so grateful for my mom, my dad.

I’m so grateful to have this place to myself (Judy is no longer coming to stay here for a month! Yay!)

I’m so grateful that my business is doing well.

I’m so grateful that I have a nice body and a pretty nice face.

Right now I’m grateful to have Matthew in my life too. We don’t meet in person, but I like having flirty conversations with him. Turns me on so much. And makes me feel desired.

Yesterday I went bouldering for the first time. The people were nice: Handy, Zak, and Jenice (Jeneeese). So, grateful for that too 🙂

When I was leaving, Matthew pulled into the parking lot, haha.

It was the perfect timing. I didn’t want to “meet him”, but I did crave seeing him.

I turned my back to him, hugged my new friend Jenice, and walked away to the skytrain.

I texted him while I walked, and he was like, “Are you here??” I can picture him looking around haha. Well, sorta. I haven’t seen him in a long time. Can’t quite remember what he looked like.

Turned out he did see me, the back of me, and thought I had a nice body. That’s just too awesome. It’s perfect.

I always felt that my face wasn’t as good. I have sweat my makeup off, and probably looked a bit run-down after all that bouldering. Ass still looked good though, so that was all he needed to see.

He definitely was even more interested in me after. I know he hoped that I loved bouldering, but I didn’t. It was ok.

I didn’t feel amazing when I sent a route. It was hella painful. Hard on hands, and, as a beginner, hard on arms and neck. I had a headache at night because of my tense neck muscles. I was tense everywhere, and couldn’t even go to sleep. Today, I almost got an arm cramp just from opening a bottle a juice.

I like surfing in a wave machine. I think that’s way more fun. I actually feel exhilarated when I do that! 🙂

I’ve been missing Patrick, in a way. He never replied to my  last message, and, that makes it hard to care much about him. His brought sadness to me in a way.

But deep down I keep thinking that I love him. I keep saying that to myself. I guess when someone good looking accepts you and embraces you for how you look, it means a lot. For that, I still love him. It’s just hard to get over his carelessness.

Funny how, Matthew, who made me sad at one point too – and I even vowed to never let him back into my life – is now the source of my happiness.

In fact, over the past six years, for many a times, it was nice to have him write nice flirty comments on my Facebook. It always cheered me up some.

Since early Aug, He’s been chatting with me. He is still a relationship (I think) and he is so not dateable just anyway, but I really enjoy chatting with him.

He is smart, quick, hilarious, sexy, and ambitious. He is impossibly cute and charming when he is all horny and flirty.

I bet his can charm the pants off any guy or girl. Much like Patrick I guess, but in a different way.

I’m so smitten by him. Even though I don’t love how his FB photo looks, and he is a cheater, and he is not morally aligned with me, and he value system is different, much more materialistic. And he is too Japanese. And I don’t think he can accept my alopecia.

But all that can be forgiven, because we are just chatting anyway.

I’d love to fuck, regularly, with him, but that’s not needed… Knowing me, I’ll fall for him. I’d rather just keep a fun, carefree, hurt free relationship with him.

I have no sex life right now. (Heck, I have no friends either, but that’s another topic.) I created a vision board focusing on just sex, hoping that I can get laid lots by hotties this coming year.

Hot guys seem to have no trouble getting laid. I don’t know why I have so much trouble. I guess i need to be out more. Like when I was in Shanghai.

Other than that though, life is really quite good. Sales are pretty good. $22K USD in revenue each month. Maybe $17K CAD profit each month. That’s $204K per year! It’s only been like this the past 5, 6, months, but I hope to do even better in the rest of the year, since there’s Christmas!

I need to pick myself up and be more productive though. I don’t know why but I waste the day away these days…..

Perfect life.

I think the perfect life is a feel-good movie with a happy ending.

I want it to be full of love, full of accomplishments, full of fun stories, full of wonderful adventures, full of dreams-come-true.

I want a life that is well-lived, no regrets 🙂

I know some pains make a better story… but I really don’t want to ask for that.

LOVE
I’d love to be with the love of my life, but I know that it’s not something that I can force. So I’ll put myself in situations that I can find love, but it’s not the end of the world if I don’t find my true love in this life time.

I have control over loving people. So I’ll love my parents, love my family (cousins, Mia), and love my friends. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to extend my love to more people.

I want to have many good friends. Loyal, fun, smart, funny friends. I’ll put myself in more of that situation too.

My mom and dad are great. They love me. I love them. I’ll do more to show my love as I make more and more money.

For extending my love to the public, I’ll think about it when I have the resource to give.

SUCCESS

I hope to be so successful that I am proud of myself, and that my parents are proud of me.

So successful that I can provide a better life for my parents, treat my friends, and give to the world.

DREAMS

I have some crazy dreams. I hope I can fulfill some of them.

ADDITIONAL REQUESTS

I hope to master a cool skill.

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A CLOSER LOOK AT LOVE:

Everybody wants to be loved. And I think have the urge to love.

I think the more you have – such as money, resources, status – the more love you can provide. I want to have a great capacity to love. It’s a privilege.

I want to provide love to my parents. My friends. My boyfriend. And people on Earth.

I want to help Mom stay happy and healthy for as long as possible. I want to buy her 2 or 3 houses, and travel with her, if she wants to.

I want to also help Dad stay happy and healthy for as long as possible. I want to make sure that he has a nice place to stay, and travel with him. He’s had a rough life. He hasn’t been anywhere for fun really. He needs money more than Mom does.

There is such a thing as the Art of Helping People, I think. I really don’t know it well…I wish there’s a way to master it.

How would I help Dad be happier?

I think, first of all, I’d order a physical exam for him, get him good teeth, and a nice car. And second, I would give him $20K to spend on whatever he needs to.

Of course, I’ll need to give Mom more. $50K I guess. That’s enough for a down payment for a duplex.

So, technically, I can do it now. I’ve always had the savings, but now, I have the cash flow. Plus, USD is strong right now. Sending Dad some cash now is good.

I have $30K in Bank of America right now.  I want at least $100K in the bank before I send money to Mom and Dad. This way I still have $20K to spare. I definitely don’t want to have to take some money back from Mom like last time.

So how much longer before I make $70K more? I hope in 3 months. That’s end of the year.

Now the question is, how can I make sure that Dad spends his money the way I want him to? I’d love to make sure that he will spend it on those 3 things (teeth, eye/health, and car), and then have some extra free money on top of that to spend.

With Mom, it’s easier I think. Just give her $50K. I hope she’d renovate the house, but she doesn’t have to.

After that, I’ll worry about taking care of boyfriend, friends, and other people. For now, just Mom, Dad, and I.

I know, right now I’m sad about not having a boyfriend to love. But it’s not unexpected. I deliberately set out to seek success in biz first, so of course boyfriend didn’t happen. I wasn’t seeking one. In fact I was avoiding having a boyfriend.

I’m still not 100% sure about having a boyfriend. I feel like there’s no right match for me. I’m unwilling to compromise. I’m unwilling to devote myself to the guy, even if it’s Patrick. The only time I’d be able to devote myself is if the guy can do the same for me.

So I’m not gonna worry about that for now.

For now, how would I love myself? And how would I put myself in a situation of meeting a guy of my dreams?

Also, friends. I literally have no good friends. Why is that?

I have some friends, but I don’t really like them that much. I’m critical of them. Why is that?

I mean, I don’t judge them….but I don’t want to be around them because I don’t like their influence. Most of them are dumb, unmotivated, timid.

I guess relative to me, most people are dumb, that’s natural. I need to be able to see that some of them still have some insights, and are smart in certain ways that I’m not. And I need to go to things like the TED meetup where there are smart people to hang out with.

Unmotivated – well, I need to find more people who are motivated and hang out with them. And the unmotivated ones, well, I guess most people aren’t as motivated as me, so that’s natural too.

Timid. I don’t like timid people. People who are too afraid to try things and do things. Not to mention those people are not receptive to help. I want to help them but they just want to stay the same.

A CLOSER LOOK AT SUCCESS

A CLOSER LOOK AT DREAMS

A CLOSER LOOK AT ADDITIONAL REQUESTS

I’m 35 right now, in 2015.

First things first: health and youth span.

I know I’ve pretty much peaked, now, at age 35, if I don’t do anything about anything. If I do something clever, I might be able to extend that.

In Taiwan, a 42 yo mom lost a ton of weight and got abs, and now she looks like she is 25. If I ever feel like it’s impossible to get younger, I can look up to her. The power of internet.

JLo is 46 and looks amazing too.

If done right, it’s probably reasonable that I can look attractive still at age 50. That’s 15 more years.

If I have lots of money, I can afford expensive and effective skin care (such as the rumoured placenta facial that JLo receives), cosmetic surgery, or even gene therapy if it’s available.

We love looking good and looking youthful.

I hate the decay I see in people as they get old. Somehow feeling that I can dodge it, somehow not comprehending what it’s like to transform into an old person over time….even though it happens all around us, like death.

September 1st. Summer is over. I left OK Cupid.

Over 400 messages sent to me. Over 850 likes. In the past 4 weeks exactly. 28 days. Yet, not 1 date.

I think, I knew this was gonna be the case. Had a bad feeling about going back to OK Cupid.

I think a few things cause this result.

1. I hate lying about my age. But then, posting that I’m 35 probably wouldn’t have improved my luck anyway.

2. I was not in the mood when I wrote my profile. So, it was a very work-oriented, very alopecia-oriented, and almost cocky profile

3. Too many self photos, probably

4. Out of my control: the guys are not up for meeting up. I don’t know why. Different generation? Too scared? Or, just not meant to be.

I feel that maybe if I leave OKC, and at some point go back to it, it’ll be like a reset. I’ll have better luck.

I probably won’t lie about my age. I dunno. Most definitely it will make my chance slimmer though…. I hate aging. I really do.

I’m so lonely, so bored. I have no friends. I have no friends I want to hang out with. And the friends I sort of can hang out with, they don’t have time for me. So really, no one at all. It’s sad.

I messaged Norm yesterday or the day before. He didn’t reply ’til I message him again today. I was quite hurt. Obviously I am low priority. That’s what it’s like when two people are friends. At least, my friends. All my friends are like this. Their partner, their date, their dating-life, are more important than me.

That would be the main reason why I want to have a boyfriend, just so that we can be each other’s priority.

But then, after a while, we’ll be wanting a third wheel to join us, because we are bored of each other. Then, after a while, we are so bored of each other, we no longer make each other priority, and the relationship is over.

It’s so sad. It’s like there’s no way to win. Whether it’s just to have friends, or to date.

I’d love to have a friend, a really good friend, who is single right now, and doesn’t want to have kids, and if/when she becomes not-single, she’ll still be a very good friend who takes me as her priority. And I will treat her the same.

This friend is smart, funny, outgoing. We’ll be there for each other. We’ll see each other once a week or something like that. We’ll be bff’s.

Can be a guy too. Probably a gay guy.

I still miss Patrick. I keep talking to myself about how much I love him and how much I miss him. It’s kinda crazy.

I saw him a month ago. Yet I still miss him so much.

It wasn’t even the best encounter…I don’t know why he sits so deeply in my heart.

I know we can’t be together. Not for long periods of time. But I really hope we can still see each other twice a year. Unless, I find a super hot and super sweet boyfriend 🙂

Funny how I just realized, after writing my “perfect day”, that being with someone I love and being loved is that important to me.

I mean, the idea of perfect day is different from a perfect life. It’s like a photograph as opposed to a movie. A frozen state as opposed to a progression.

So, what’s my prefect life? Hmmm….maybe that’s a good question, maybe not. If I were to write it 20 years ago, I would’ve said, no alopecia. But, having alopecia had taught me a lot of things. In any case, I’ll write it as a good exercise 🙂

Perfect day. I spend the whole day with someone who loves me and who I love. He is the hottest person alive. He is the funnest person I know. He adores me, admires me, inspires me.

We spend the day trying out new things together, experiencing this world and all the exciting things it has to offer. We share the most amazing, unforgettable moments together.

We make love, with so much passion, so much love, so much romance and sensuality. It feels so good that we can go on and on forever. But we know that there is forever, so we feel content. So much content – our happiness is pouring over the brim.

We have incredible, stimulating conversations, about life, about us. We laugh so much, we feel so deeply connected and happy in each other’s presence. We are so grateful of each other.

We have so much fun together. We respect each other so much.

Our love is deep and eternal. We know that we are forever young, and our love is evergreen.

That’s the perfect day.