Brad messaged back

After not checking Whatsapp for a week. After not answering my text for 5 days, Brad finally messaged me today.

Said his Whatsapp updated and didn’t send him message notifications.

Well, ok, so that demystified the week.

Still, I’m upset.

Why? Because he didn’t think to message me until today.

He said he’s been busy.

It’s true, his denims just shipped.

Still, I find it really hard to accept that he didn’t even think to log into Whatsapp.

He was apologetic but he didn’t apologize. No matter. Whatever.

I’d very much like someone who cares about me, has me on his mind, and loves me.

He is gonna be busy for a while. This type of things will happen again and again.

And then he’ll be off to his road trip.

Why bother investing more time with him?

The only reason I would is because all the other guys right now suck worse.

So, I’m still sad.

I want a guy whose caring-ness, attentiveness, thoughtfulness exceed my expectation (which isn’t very much right now. Just message me often and say cute things, and not have other girlfriends.)

Someone like Tyler or Sum’s Patrick. I’ve never had that in my life. I wonder why.

I wish I could start properly with someone. Go on dates, slowly develop intimacy, have butterflies, and care about each other.

Katherine; polyamory

Whoa! I just had my mind blown, meeting with Katherine for tea!

Met her at the Nerdy Ladies meetup, and she was the coolest person there. She is an entrepreneur, and her biz is a non-profit charity.

The blew my mind about her today was learning about Polyamorous relationship.

She is all about evaluating all options, figure out the best, then proceed.

I need to be more like that.

She figured (through code she says) that in the hire a secretary problem, decide on a length of time you want to search, and, the first 37% of the time, the best you find is the best you can get. After that, if you find someone just as good, you can choose that person to be your secretary. It’s not final, but it’s likely your best option.

“You can apply that to dating as well!” she said.

Haha. What a funny concept!

This is in fact similar to how I hire my VAs.

I give myself 1 month because that’s how long the subscription is.

After about 2 weeks, most of the applicants have applied. I choose the best and start interviewing.

I choose the best, test drive for up to 3 months, and then decide. If it doesn’t work out, start the process again.

She dated 14 guys in 2 years, each for up to 3 months!

When she chose Joey, she knows that he is her best option.

And because they are poly, they each have their “secondary” people.

She says you have to be confident and emotionally strong to be in a poly relationship.

There are different models of poly relationships. One is anarchy, another is primary/secondary. She is in the latter. They are each other’s primary (they are married), and currently she has no secondary, and he has just broke off with his secondary, and is searching for another one.

The key is, they are both free to look. She needs some alone time, so she feels fine that he is off hanging out with his secondary.

I really like the concept.

I thought about this recently. And this got me to think about it some more.

Pros:

  • Why should we expect everything from one person? We have very individualistic facets and needs
  • How do you keep a relationship fresh? Everything is bound to get stale. But if we are open to grow / date other people, maybe we can stick together longer
  • There’s the risk of losing someone and vice versa. But then, that is the case for a monogamous relationship too. There *might* be a higher risk in a poly relationship, but you will also have backup secondaries in this case.
  • This model may keep the relationship more on its toes. You need to be your best to be sure that you are a Primary.
  • One develops more independence. Basically you are always on the market, searching like a single. Or if you are not searching, you have to handle being on your own, and being left to your own at any time. More freedom comes with a price.
  • Setting initial expectation to be poly, then maybe it’s not as bad when your half “cheats”. Since it’s perceived as “ok” to begin with.

Cons:

  • Without a Primary myself, I wouldn’t want to be someone’s Secondary
  • What if my half has no trouble finding Secondaries and I do?
  • What if my half becomes too infatuated with / distracted by his Secondary?
  • Does it make one feel ok / natural to be in a relationship (a secondary one) that you give less than 100%?
  • Does it make one feel less loved when you don’t get 100% of love from your half? Certainly there will be times where there is a conflict of interest and/or priority.

As of right now, I don’t get as many options. Either I’m more picky, or I just don’t get as many to choose from since I’m older.

I think I need to learn how to date first. Some people keep finding dates. I need to be more like that.

I’m going to the Freedom Fast Lane event. I think that will help me get exposure to more like-minded people.

I can’t even find 1 person to date, let alone multiple!

For now, I just need to keep in mind of the idea of poly.

But one thing is for sure, the idea of:

  • Searching continuously – for opportunities, for better things, for options – in every aspect of life. This way you always have options available, and have a good idea of what is bad/average/good/great/amazing.

Basically, think like looking for a VA, not like my default self of settling in a 10 year relationship, feeling like I have no other options!

Yes, there are very few Matthews in the world. Or even Brad. Or even Josh. Or even Patrick. But there are lots of people in the world.

I thought I’d never find anyone hotter, and then I did (Josh after Patrick). I thought I’d never find an entrepreneur that I was attracted to again (Brad after Matthew). No one is THAT unique.

I think believing that people are super unique is one of my limiting beliefs. Then again, aren’t people unique?

I haven’t been able to group many type of people together.

Maybe I just need to know more people.

Tony Robbins is able to find patterns in people.

The key is to be in different environments, exposed to many people that I would potentially like.

FFL2, Tony’s Business Mastery course, etc.

And of course there’s OKCupid and other dating sites.

And of course I can also expand my social circles by going to meetups, working on my alopecia channel, etc.

 

Tanya’s Amazing Squash Soup Recipe

  1. 1 squash (1/2 buttercup, 1/2 kabocha) Buttercup is more dense and sweet
  2. 1 onion
  3. 1 tbsp of butter
  4. 1/2 cup of almond milk
  5. 1/2 cup of chicken stock
  6. truffle oil
  7. sea salt and black pepper
  1. Bake squash at 325F for 50 min, let cool
  2. Dice onion; set 3 tbsps aside
  3. Sautee rest of the onion in skillet
  4. Blend raw onion, squash, milk, and stock
  5. Blend in sautee’d onion
  6. Reheat, add truffle oil, salt and pepper, and Serve! 😀

Makes 3 big bowls

Bake the squash the night before, and the rest only takes 20 minutes.

 

Loving life and defining what I want

Noveween party today!

At the end, told Suzanne that I was going to Tony Robbin’s Unleash the Power Within event. She was so excited for me, and went on about how I need to list 10 things that I want to get out of the event, before I go. That was somewhat inspiring.

I want to

  1. Become good friends with the people whom I’m going with
  2. Develop deeper friendship with the people I already know
  3. Meet new people who are on the same wave length – thrilled about life; dreamers and go-getters
  4. Meet mentors for my business and / or life who will help me grow my biz
  5. Meet an inspiring person I’m attracted to
  6. Inspiration from Tony
  7. Make an important connection such as meeting a major gym owner
  8. Make an important connection such as meeting the head of a fire fighter dept. who is in charge of placing orders
  9. Meet a digital marketing person who can help me

After event:

I did become better friends with Masha, Lana, and Stas! Met some fitness people but I doubt they will contact me. Met new friend Max, but he talks about Russian women while he hits on me, so I’m not going to connect with him after the event. He really wants to, but I think he just wants to pick my brain about FBA.

I was inspired from the event. The biggest take-aways were uncovering my limiting beliefs. I’ll write that in a new post.

End of Brad

It’s been about 4 days since I messaged Brad on Monday/Tuesday and got no reply.

It shows that he didn’t go into Whatsapp since Sunday…so he probably didn’t see the message…but….why didn’t he go into Whatsapp?

I’m so upset over this. I was just starting to really like him.

I suppose he could be hurt, dead, or…. Actually those are the only two things I can think of that would justify this.

The chance of the above is ultra slim.

There’s a higher chance of him just moving on, or not having me on his mind….and that makes me sad.

There have been so many guys like this already. I thought he’d be sincere.

I’m in so much pain, so much sadness, just thinking about this.

I don’t think I’m having unreasonable expectations.

At this point, whether he messages me ever again….I think there’s no use. I’ve given up on him.

I’ll choose to believe that he was good. That he had good intentions. That he probably got really hurt in a climbing accident, can’t type because he broke both hands, or got into a coma.

I’ve been lowering my standards every single time I meet someone, yet they still disappoint.

Am I not attractive enough for anyone decent? Do I bore them? I don’t know how I can be so repulsive or unattractive…

Even Norm has an easier time finding love. What is wrong with me???

Maybe it’s time to leave Vancouver, if I want to find a boyfriend.

Dear God, please help me find love!

Back from Unleash the Power Within

After 4 days of Tony Robbins, where 10,500 of us walked on fire, jumped up and down celebrating life, envisioned a better future after ridding our limiting beliefs, I am home now in Vancouver….feeling sick and depressed. Why is that?

It’s not the first time that I feel a low after a high. Maybe it was because the 15 hour days were depleting my chemicals. Maybe I was just exhausted. Maybe I got sick (pretty sure I’m sick now).

It doesn’t help that all the guys in my life suck. Brad hasn’t answered my message since Monday. Max kept talking about Russian girls, not having a clue that it pisses me off. Norm is just annoying and reminding me of why I broke up with him. Even Charlie, whom I idolized a bit, watching his video made me feel sick. Hated his voice and face. Tony Robbins, also not liking that guy very much. A guy on Tinder, don’t like him either.

What is going on?

I feel a sense of despair.

Whether it’s me or the world….I feel stuck.

Will I ever find someone whom I love and loves me back?

 

 

Ideal Boyfriend/Husband

  1. Loves me and I love him
  2. We make each other happier
  3. We laugh at each other’s jokes
  4. We make each other a better person
  5. We like each other
  6. We are each other’s #1 fan
  7. We appreciate the quirkiness in each other
  8. We believe in each other
  9. We respect each other very much
  10. We are a great team
  11. We are turned on by each other
  12. We have amazing sex life
  13. We rarely fight
  14. We are curious about each other
  15. We are very transparent with each other
  16. We share similar values and morals
  17. We understand each other well, but still find pleasant surprises in each other
  18. We share similar dreams and hopes about our future
  19. Is patient with me
  20. Is generous with me, money and time
  21. Will and can travel with me often
  22. Doesn’t want kids either
  23. Is a kind, caring person
  24. Is a loyal person who will not cheat on me
  25. Does thoughtful things for me
  26. Makes me feel great about myself
  27. Is always growing, improving himself
  28. Always willing to improve our relationship, making sure it doesn’t go stale
  29. Is positive and generally happy
  30. I can trust him and rely on him
  31. Earns enough money to enjoy life with me
  32. Has good friends whom I like
  33. Is a good friend to me, possibly a best friend
  34. Is healthy
  35. Is smart
  36. Is a good communicator

Brad 4.0

Brad came by today, even though it’s a Monday and we just saw each other on Friday. It’s because I’m leaving for Tony Robbin’s Unleash the Power Within on Wednesday and back on Monday.

It’s nice that I get to see Brad more often than with other guys.

I thought I was running late, so I changed from 7 to 8pm. Before he saw it, I realized I could do 7pm, so I let him know. He told me that he might run late too, so he’d arrive between 7 and 8. I didn’t like that.

I told him to let me know half hour before he leaves, meanwhile feeling a bit disappointed. Surprisingly, he said he shoved food into his mouth, showered, and he sent me a nice photo of himself fresh out of the shower. Aimed for 7:15 to 7:30, and let me know when he left. That’s nice 🙂

It was a shorter night though. 7:15 ’til 9:45….2.5hours. I guess it was still alright. Last time it was 4 hours!

I wore purple hair and my ombre purple tank top and denim shorts. Same same as with Matthew. This way I don’t have to think too much. The only thing is, Brad can’t see purple.

I like that he comes closer to the door more than Matthew did. We kissed passionately at the front entrance. Our kisses are always so passionate 🙂

He asked me how my day was. I told him about meeting with Alice and Zeljka about life insurance, and he knew all about it, of course! He used to do that! That was kinda cool. He could’ve recommended someone really good to me he said.

He was in front of his computer all day, then went climbing. The jeans shipped out today.

Tonight, we had oral like usual, then had sex twice. The difference is that we talked after each time we had sex, which is how I like it.

And sex was better tonight too. When in my fave position, he went in in a way that felt quite good. It was slow and sexy too. It’s brighter in the room with him, so I get to check him out in the mirror. His muscles looked really nice. He is so lean. He came in that position, a bit quicker than he expected. We didn’t even get to his fave, which is doggie style.

During the second time, we tried me lying on top of him. Surprisingly, he came in that position too. And again a bit too quickly.

We talked quite a bit, about the US election, about West World, about my theory of having multiple short lives, about being agnostic versus being atheist, about his cousin who is always in his uncle’s dreams (such a shocker!), about a similar motivational event he’s been to, by Sterling (said he got over hating his dad…that’s another shocker). It was the first time we had somewhat of a more in depth talk. I can tell he is smart. Smarter than I expected.

He is pretty cool really. We have lots in common.

But I don’t feel that he really wants me…yet. But we are having better and better chemistry it seems.

I could’ve gone again, but he was thinking to leave then. It was only 9:40ish. He is stressed about work and tends to have insomnia. He has a busy day ahead, wrapping up the cell phone screen protecter business.

We kissed for a long time by his car again.

I’m curious about how our relationship will progress. There seems to be potential.

His sense of humour is not like Matthew’s. Matthew was so good at conversational humour. Brad is better at telling stories. There’s still much I don’t know about him. I don’t know what he has been like in relationships. Matthew definitely is no relationship material…but he excites me so much.

I was really excited to see Brad tonight though. My heart sped up as I waited for the elevator.

I do like seeing him casually right now. In a real relationship, I don’t know if he is gonna make me a happier person, and vice versa.

 

 

 

 

 

Sex with Brad 3.0

Had my period last week, so I didn’t see Brad.

We texted/whatsapped a bit. He told me he’s been craving me. That’s sexy. (But he said that same thing three times already. He doesn’t have the same diversity as Matthew. Not nearly. But he tells pretty good stories.)

He also sent me a topless selfie, by my request. It was really hot. He has abs! And tiny waist. So yum.

I was so turned on and anxious to see him today. It’s only been two weeks but it felt like forever. With Matthew, 2 weeks was acceptable. But I’ve been seeing Brad every week and it was easy to get used to that.

The last two days I haven’t been as horny though. But I was still excited about seeing him tonight.

We decide to meet earlier today, at 7pm. That kinda works. He stayed ’til 11pm. We spend more time this way. I think before it would be 9pm~1am

He was on-time, as usual. Matthew is never quite on time, but he’d message me like 10 times before getting here, from getting ready to cat emojis to pin drops on the way here.

I was happy to go down to see him, but not nervous like when Matthew comes. Gosh I miss that guy.

I wore my new leather jacket with fur, leather shorts, and leather corset. Oh and my dark brown curly wig. Ran into too many neighbours.

Brad was by the door, as usual. I like that. He was wearing a black jacket with stitchings that kinda matched my black leather jacket.

We kissed passionately at the door and he said I tasted good. Then we kissed more all the way up the elevator.

Up here in the condo, he pushed me against the shoe cupboard, and all the shark fin squashes above it – 3 of them – started rolling around and about to fall off, ahaha

We moved to the bedroom before he destroyed things.

Sex was fine. I’m more and more used to his looks so he looks cuter now. His body is nicer and nicer for the same reason, but also because of the photo he sent me. His abs were so defined there. He said he’s been going to the climbing gym more and more now too, so he’s lost 8 pounds since we started sleeping together, and is getting more muscular.

He ate me out …I was self conscious because my period had just ended and I probably either tasted like blood or an old diva cup. But he said I tasted good.

I didn’t really care to be eaten out though. I hardly felt anything.

I went down on him. It was slightly more fun. He was easily turned on by that. He made me stop after maybe 5 minutes because he was going to cum. Said I was too good at it.

We used the fire and ice condom – our fave. He came pretty quickly.

It felt a bit bright in the room but he said he liked being able to see me. Matthew seemed to prefer darker rooms. I didn’t discover the bedside light back then.

I can’t remember if it was the first or second time, that Brad came during doggie style. It felt really good for both of us.

He always started kissing me right after, instead of sex, chat, sex, chat… so it gets blurred how each orgasm went. Both Matthew and Fin were more like, sex chat sex chat. I prefer that actually. Brad is more like, sex sex sex chat.

He wanted to give each other oil massage. I gave him front and back. Didn’t seem like he was going to offer it until I asked him to massage my back. He hardly massage my front. Hmm… not very thoughtful.

He put on a condom and started to get limp. It’s one of the originals of Magnum…said he can’t feel anything.

So I got on top of him and gave him a hand job with lots of oil. I did some reading recently about erogenous zones. One of them is the underlip area of a dick. I played with that area and he got so turned on! So I kept doing it, and said he’s never felt so good.

He got such an intense orgasm…when he looked at himself, his dick shot the cum so far it hit him in the eye, lolololol!

His eye was burning for a while but he said it was worth it. Haha.

I wish I had as much fun. I mean, it was fun, but, it’s not Matthew-fun or Fin-fun. I don’t know why. He is just not as good at it? Or his face didn’t turn me on as much? Not sure.

But I do have fun with him. He is looking cuter to me. And his skin is soft with a light tan. His hair curly and fun to play with. His ass is super cute. His body is well-proportioned. Long legs, wide shoulders, narrow waist. Almost like how Patrick was.

We then took a shower, using Matthew’s shower gel to cut the grease. He did offer to wash my back which was more thoughtful.

We then lied down and talked for maybe an hour, about biz and stuff. They just signed with an investor, owner of Second Clothing, from Montreal. So it’s a big day for them! He said he’ll be getting paid like an employee soon and it’ll be good. Right now he doesn’t have a lot of cash.

His parents were away so he had a board game night last night. Stayed up until 3am. And had 3 beers. Koda woke him up at 7am and he couldn’t sleep after. Plus a hangover.

He said he used to be drunk pretty much every time he had sex (even in relationships…what…) I was the first person that he’d have sex sober with. And when he drank he can only do it once. We do it three times. Interesting. My guess is he hasn’t been in a long term relationship. How can one get drunk every time for sex…

He talked about dealing with difficult customers. It’s surprising that he can get into a shouting match with a customer. There’s definitely more to his personality than I know.

He talked about his family having many entrepreneurs. His uncle founded Spence Diamonds. As I asked if he founded it by himself, I remembered, Brad’s last name is Spence! Wow. He said this uncle is a jerk though and his dad wants nothing to do with him. The uncle is always dating 21 year olds. I said I guess it’s ok if it’s for love not for money, but he said it is. He bought her an expensive BMW, and Brad joked about how the girl is probably snorting cocaine off his body.

When they were little, they’d go to this uncle’s place for Xmas. He’d give them each $100. As 10yo kids they were so thrilled. Their grandparents were poor and would give them $2. So they’d get $102 every Xmas. Just funny the way he said it.

His dad is a very successful financial planner. Sells life insurance. Haha. I could’ve gone to his dad for this insurance thing I try to set up!

His dad has friends that help him too. He thinks one of them just likes hanging out with him because he is young.

He tried to do the insurance thing for a while. Was rookie of the year, but then he didn’t sell for 4 months because he didn’t ask for referrals from the initial clients. Probably not the actual reason but that’s how he saw it.

Turned out him and his biz partner / best friend Taz have had many biz ideas, but their problems was Taz’s lack of follow-through. They have done the website biz and phone screen protector kiosk biz together. Though Brad was the one that trained him. That’s cool. He is the alpha male then. I like alphas.

I do like him. But I don’t sense that he is making more effort to woo me than before. As in, it’s not like this is developing into more.

His tour will begin in a couple of months. That’s good. Gives us some time to have fun I hope.

He thinks that once I have developed the silver rings into a solid version, I should go on Kickstarter. That’s a good point.

I told him the fading ring story…he wasn’t of much help there. I think Patrick would’ve tried harder. Or at least the old version of Patrick. That was one of the things I liked about him. He wanted to help. Matthew..not sure…he wanted to help me find a birthday restaurant, but I never asked him about biz. Fin was not entrepreneural it seems. But we never ran out of things to talk about. He was pretty funny too.

So I walked Brad out. We kissed by his car for quite a while again. Neither of us wanted to stop kissing. When we were finally done kissing, he said, “And now I’m going to drive into a pole.” Ahahaha. That’s the cutest thing he’s said tonight.