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I occurred to me today that I very much live in the grey zone. Everything is 50/50.

I kinda want a boyfriend, kinda don’t.

I kinda want to scale biz, kinda hold back, worried about added stress

I kinda want to grow my hair, kinda feel like, should I care so much? It’s outside of my control anyway. And what are all the benefits anyway? And I get a lot of benefits from being bald / wearing a wig too, such as not having to blow dry my hair, having a full head of gorgeous blonde hair (though I suppose I can always have this option)

I kinda want to be a nomad and travel around, I kinda want to work hard.

I kinda enjoy being in Victoria and kinda resent it.

I think if I decide how I feel about something, or condition myself to remove negative feelings / doubts / indecision, I’d go forth more effectively 🙂

I’ve been talking to Paul almost every week day since our video meeting about a week ago.

It’s amazing how quickly I got used to that and it felt weird to not talk to him.

But I didn’t want to talk for no reason. I didn’t even want to give him special treatment. Meanwhile, my brain is semi-melted, running in an infinite loop of “But I like him so much!” and “But he is married!”

This plus playing Spikeball 3 hours a day for 2, 3 days this past week or two,  has had me lying in bed a lot (either masturbating or resting). Sigh.

I watched some porn, decided to use a dildo. And I started crying. I’m not sure if it was a release or me being sad. I felt better after though, as though I had an orgasm.

Over the weekend, I only responded to his messages with an emoji, so on Monday, he didn’t reply to it. Makes sense.

 

Instead, he asked a question on Hampton ecomm Slack. It wasn’t very clear what he was asking. Two people tried and wasn’t able to help.

I saw their convo later, at night. I understood his problem, and offered a solution. I was excited because I figured it out!

This morning, he replied, “Ohhh thanks @Tanya Huang, you are a legend, I think this will work perfectly!”

That made me very happy 🙂

At least he’ll know that I’m smart.

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Had a video meeting with Michelle and Kristi today!

Michelle sells compression socks and did $5M last year with 24% profit!

Kristi did $2.8M last year with….low profit. She is struggling and is cutting cost.

They are both 43 (or 44).

They are both selling better than me! That’s inspiring!

I’m motivated to win!

I think I can do $5M this year. I need a plan. I need disciplines.

I think the keys are:

1. Contract out some stuff to the experts
2. Delegate out graphics etc
3. Aim to be worldclass (Our website and branding need work)
4. Think BIG! Think BIGGER! What’s going to bring in 3X revenue?

   Our shopify revenue is at about $1M
   Our goal is $6M total
   That means about $2M Amazon, $4M Shopify
   Which means 4X Shopify
   We can aim to 2X each tier (8x). If we can 1.5X each tier, that’s 5X.

traffic x CVR x AOV x Frequency

What does it take to double our traffic? (We have 43.5K visitors per month, goal would be 90K visitors)
– Better Ad creatives – potentially 5% increase
– More ad budget – potentially 10% increase
– Better ad management – potentially 10% increase
– PR outreach – potentially 5% increase
– SEO – potentially 15% increase
– PostPilot – how many to send? If 10% visit, that’s 400,000 postcards per month, which costs $200,000. If we do 1/10 of that, that’s $20K/month, and it’ll only increase our traffic by 10%
– More social media content – potentially 5% increase
– Influencer seeding – potentially 10% increase
– 60%

What does it take to double our CVR?
– Better website images
– Better website layouts?
– Lots of A/B testing
– Rank landing pages
Goal is 7% conversion rate

What does it take to double AOV? ($90/order)
– Target couples
– Sell more expensive rings
– Encourage buy more save more
– Upsell more rings and other items (discount when add more)
– Sell metal rings (in a set, with great ring box)
– Sell thin metal rings
– Sell ring boxes
– Sell collectable ring boxes and rings or ring holders
– Sell notes to go inside the box
– Sell engraved boxes
– occasion-friendly – people will spend more on a birthday or anniversary gift, and a wedding gift.

What does it take to double frequency?
– Better email automation (if the automation can add 30%, that’s and additional $0.3M).
– Better email campaigns (have a designer for this)
– Make it occasion friendly (e.g. custom birthday/anniversary message to do inside the box)

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Spikeball wasn’t super fun today for the most part. Lots of teaching the newbies

 

Wow, hard to believe it, but have been around the sun 44 times!

I guess in some ways it isn’t that long. If I was a person from the future, 44 is probably the equivalent of being 20!

Mentally, I feel like I’m in my early 30s. I get along best with someone in their 30s. Maybe not as energetic or “hungry” though. Or, I do get bursts of motivation and energy, but the most motivated times seem to be behind me. I don’t do all nighters (still to late nights sometimes). I think being a lot richer now than in my 30s also makes me more chill.

Appearance-wise, I do feel that I look older now. Maybe 30s. I want to get a facelift. Lighting determines a lot so I’m not sure exactly how “aged” I am. In some light, I look great, in some light, I don’t. I’m a bit chubbier right now due to inactivity in winter, so that makes my face look puffier and eyes smaller. I struggle with saggy eyelids, and a bit of marionette lines.

Physically, I feel healthy, but my skin is dryer. Have had 2 spasms the past year, lower back in the summer last year from practicing volleyball, and shoulder blade (probably from testing out anti-aging DIY pillows) 3 months ago. I feel that my energy is good, but sometimes I don’t have the motivation to do things that require more effort. Like snowboarding – seems like a hassle. Also, I haven’t run or done a lot of hard workout in a while.

Mood-wise, well, winter has been a dread, but now we’re coming into Spring and playing spikeball, I feel better. The past couple periods have been better mood-wise I think. Not exactly sure why.

Health-wise, good overall, but would like more energy, more power, and be more lean and toned.

Financially, really good! Net worth at almost $8M! Thanks to Bunny helping my money grow.

Romantically, well, nothing. Have a bit of a crush on Paul, but he is married. Sex drive a bit dead. Been 1.5 years since I had sex (Brandon). I don’t miss anyone, not even Alex. I’ve forgotten these encounters because it’s been so long. And I’ve forgotten what Paul is like because we only had a very brief encounter at ECF Live. I’d like to travel with someone I love, laugh lots together, make love, and make each other feel loved, alive, and thriving. But the reality is, being in a relationship comes with a lot of variables. I’ve always been happier when single. So maybe it’s a blessing not a curse.

Spiritually, I feel that something is lacking. I’m not doing anything inspiring.

Am I making the best use of my time here on this planet?

Am I having as much fun as possible?

Am I making the world a better place?

I’m chasing youth, I’m chasing wealth.

I want to stay young forever, of course.

I want to be rich and free, of course.

I shouldn’t feel guilty.

But no kids, no boyfriend….I should be able to dedicate time to something more.

What is it?

1. What makes me really happy? Playing Spikeball haha. Simple me.
2. Why do I love Spikeball? I love moving my body. I love laughing. We are always laughing about something – good or bad. That’s what makes Spikeball so fun.
3. How do I level up? Watch more videos, level up, enter tournaments.

What makes me feel like I’m living a good life?

 

What makes me feel like I’m doing something meaningful?

1. Helping others

What makes me feel like I’m making good use of my time?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I need a moment with myself.

I need a moment to give myself a pep talk.

Recent Wins:

1. Yesterday, sales were great, and conversion was great!
2. A couple days ago I set up Kno Commerce post survey, and it’s been so insightful and fun to read!
3. Today, I finally set up A/B testing with ShopLift. I also finally tried VWO and saw that it wasn’t good!
4. I got the CanExport Grant! $25K. Seems like so little, but, c’mon, it’s a lot haha. It’s 6-months salary!
5. Got several 3-hour fun Spikeball sessions the past week. My skills improving too!
6. Lost some weight from playing Spikeball
7. Improved skin with new skin care routine
8. Improved hair growth with new hair care routine
9. Stocks doing well
10. One of the most easy periods recently, and it started the day after my birthday.

What is bothering me:

Well, I’m hopelessly in love with Paul. I barely know him. I’ve barely spent time with him. I mean, maybe that’s why he is so attractive. Because so far, he is perfect.

He is funny, and he makes me feel that I’m funny. He is responsive in chat, which makes me feel valued. Yes he is smart, handsome, accomplished, competent, talented – but most of all, he makes me feel good. He makes people feel good. THAT is a skill that is rare!

He is amazing. And I feel very sad that he is taken. He is SO taken that there’s just no way in. He married his high school sweetheart, so they’ve been together for 15 years. Even if they somehow break up, he’ll take years to heal before becoming a normal datable person. There’s just no way. It’s like Tom and Lisa Bilyeu. They have so much shared experience, there’s just no way for anyone else to come in.

I tried to imagine that he has a small penis and that’s why he is so fiercely loyal. Actually I just check Tom Bilyeu’s nose, and he can very well have a smallish penis too lol.

I also thought about how Paul wears a hat or a toque AT ALL TIMES. That’s suspicious and maybe he has hair loss.

But the truth is, I’d love him even if he has a small dick and hair loss. He is that amazing.

But there’s no way to have him.

It’s ok. Someone amazing for me will come along <3

 

Another fun day at spikeball. Still the funnest day was the weekend before my birthday. I won so many games, laughed so much, and played so hard for 3.5 hours!

Today was pretty good. I wish my favourite people were there, which is actually just Suraj and Nicole. John used to be one but I learned now that he doesn’t laugh that much and he doesn’t want to play with me. Neither does Nick. Nick says I’m good but not when I’m on his team. Weird. I think it’s an excuse.

I’m playing better and better now. Better reflex, better ball control.

 

Had a video chat with Paul today.

We planned a week before, and I have been nervous since.

I have been whitening my teeth, taking good care of my skin, adjusting the filter on my google meet, checking which direction works best for the call (most flattering face, best background).

And today was the day. I wrapped up the meeting with Evgenia 5 min before meeting with Paul. I went to the bathroom 3 times.

The meeting started. He was wearing a toque and a brown plaid shirt (exactly as I predicted he’d wear..he’s been wearing it a lot). He had a mountain bike hung on his wall. His eyes were amazing – sparkly. His nose was cute. His teeth were so white. He looked cute.

I blabbed on about things, different than what I thought I’d say. He was nice and helpful. We had some funny moments. At 1 hour, he said he had to go. That was it.

There was no flirty vibe coming from him. I don’t know if I sent any flirty vibes….but I was wearing just my thai-die hoodie, unlike what I had planned on wearing before, which was a cute pink gym top with bananas on it. Glad I didn’t!

It would’ve been wrong of him to be flirty. I respected that he wasn’t. But a part of me wished that I was able to catch some involuntary attraction vibe coming from him. I didn’t feel much of that. Maybe his wife was in the house!

I learned that he married his high school sweet heart. They’ve been together for 15 years! So since he was 16. Wow.

He said he is going to get his finger tattooed instead of wearing a ring. Wow.

So, that tells me that 1) he is off the market for life, 2) he’s probably never been with anyone else – which means he is probably a romantic or has a very small penis or some big insecurity.

I would’ve stayed with Norm if we were more compatible. He probably would’ve stayed with me if I didn’t break up with him? He would most likely have cheated though, I think. And he was just insecure for no real reason. He had a big dick.

I would’ve been so unhappy in that relationship. Having had all the fun sex experiences I’ve had, I can’t imagine being with 1 person my entire life. It’s like staying in 1 country, or eating one type of food.

I also learned that he is quite a red neck…more than I realized. I thought he was a metrosexual… I’m a little turned off by the red neck / country-ness about him…

Another thing about him is that he always wears his hat backwards, or is wearing his toque. I LOVE the hat backwards look, but, I’m 99% sure that something is up. Either receding hairline or alopecia.

I seem to remember that the first time I saw him, he wasn’t wearing anything….just his beautiful hair….but….I could be wrong.

He had such a beautiful head of hair at his wedding though.

In any case, it doesn’t matter.

He is in a committed relationship, about to get his ring tatted on. He is very country. Very redneck. He probably is balding and has a small dick lol. His upper lip is very thin, which is a turn off too lol.

Alas, he is also super smart, very responsive in chat, very cute, and quite funny.

After he said he’s gonna tattoo his ring finger, he said he can still wear a ring for his grandma. I said, “She’d probably want you to have a neck tattoo for her though”. He said, “Yeah and she’ll get one on her butt.” We both said something about matching tattoos, and he said it’ll be 2 halves of a heart and they can come together to make a full heart hahahha

I mean, if we met years ago, we can be similar people today. But we meet today, and he is a redneck while I’m a….city hippie? We have similar roots – analytical, artistic, love designing products, not big on jewelry, like to play outside and get dirty. But…we are not that compatible as we are already set in our ways.

Plus he is 12 years younger.

At the closing party, I deliberately turned my head and glanced over at him, twice. I’m pretty sure he noticed. When Brian reached out to touch my back, I’m pretty sure Paul looked to see what’s up. Soon after that, when I was by myself, he came over to take a photo together with me.

I look back on that photo, and, while it was not a great photo of either of us, our faces were so close together for some reason. He is tall enough that his face shouldn’t be so close to mine naturally….but our cheeks were basically touching.

The other thing was when we were laughing together, our arms were pressed against each other, for a while. There’s a natural physical closeness that we have.

I feel that he is sincere enough that those moments meant something.

But hey, let’s be realistic. He is telling me he is getting a ring tattoo. If that’s not the biggest sign of commitment and non-flirting, I don’t know what is lol. He seems like the perfect guy, but someone else already has his heart.

Also, during our meeting, he didn’t ask questions about me. That’s a sign of non-interest. He was just being polite probably.

I want someone who is curious about me.  Cute, smart, playful, funny, sincere, high EQ, communicative. Around the same age as me, youthful, rich, loves spikeball. A successful e-commerce entrepreneur. Great dick. Great in bed. LOVES me.

I think he is a people pleaser. An ENFP or ENFJ. That’s another reason why I like him. I like people pleasers! They are kinder with their words and intentions.

Ah my biggest joy of life at the moment: Spikeball!

I can honestly say that it’s just so much fun, EVEN if I’m not buddies with the players.

So many people (older people) watched us play with envy, and even asked us what the game is called. I mean, we really did look like we were having a ton of fun! 😀

I haven’t played so hard in my life. Got there at 4:30, and finished playing at around 8pm. 3.5hours of play! No break either.

I’m what John called rinsed, and it feels good!

I’ve realized that it’s just so fun to be active! Playing spikeball is the best, volleyball maybe second.

This coming winter, I’ll for sure be somewhere where I can stay active! Maybe Costa Rica or Thailand or Bali.

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I won a lot today! Another reason why I had so much fun today!

I won maybe 8 out of 10 games.

The official game started at 5:30. I got there at 4:30, then Nicole arrived, then Pranav. We played for a while, then Sid came maybe around 5. I was surprised, but not thrilled.

If it was last year, I would’ve been thrilled! I would’ve hugged him and he would’ve picked me up and spun me around.

But he has proven to be not worthy of my affection. Last Noveween, he didn’t come to my party and didn’t tell me that he wasn’t coming. He said he was coming to the cold plunge, and he didn’t.

So this year, he gets the cold shoulder from me. And not even super obvious. Just enough to make him feel uncomfortable, and for me to not feel awkward.

The funny thing was Nicole asked me when Sid arrived, “Who is that?” Ahahahha

I just can’t believe that I found him attractive.

He is the only person there without major ug, but he is really not that cute. His features are plain. He doesn’t wear his hat backwards these days and that makes him a lot less cute. His face is so tiny. His legs super skinny. His skin not great. His nose a bit crooked and pointing downward. His movement – which I used to find cute – is not cute anymore.

He doesn’t have an audible laugh. He hasn’t been making jokes. He hasn’t been funny!

I noticed that he doesn’t compliment on my serves but complimented on Nicole’s serves. I wonder why. I’m just as good, and most likely better. Today I was standing near the nets, drinking some water. He stood somewhat near me and but didn’t talk to me.

I enjoyed playing with Toby today, because he has long arms like Suraj and can make some cool moves. But, he was one of the people who didn’t come and didn’t tell me.

Andrew wants to go have a beer as a group one day. I didn’t wanna. I don’t like these people enough to socialize. I just like to play spikeball!

Playing so hard I’m exhausted atm…that’s life! I want to do it often, and throughout the year 🙂

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Oh and I had a video chat with Suneal today. It was good! I like chatting with other entrepreneurs. It’s the equivalent of hanging out with good friends!

I want to hit Paul up for a video call. But I’m a little afraid to find his flaws when we talk. Right now he is perfect.

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I started putting medical tape on my face as of about 3 days ago.

It’s for smoothing out wrinkles, keeping my face moist, and preventing me from puckering up my face. Also it’s been working as a mouth tape for me.

I don’t know if it is going to be dramatically helpful. It’ll do for now, until I find a facelift surgeon!

 

 

 

It’s indisputable. 20 years from now, I’d look back to today and think, wow, I was so young in 2024!

What I want is to be able to look back and say, well done! Well done at life! Well done at making the most of it!

What would be the coolest things for me to do for the upcoming 10 years?

1. Travel and see more of the world with people I love
2. Meet more people, make friends who are genuine, kind, funny, smart
3. Get really good at something – spikeball, volleyball, surfing, surfskate
4. More freedom and less stress – have a team, mentally be more free and relaxed, physically too!
5. Make good use of my healthy body – have fun! Be active! See the world!

The thing is, as I get older, I feel that travelling is overrated. People are what matters. But then, I feel that people are overrated, friends are overrated, and so is a boyfriend. I feel that there’s no point in making an impact on the world. People are not worth it.

 

6 years ago, at 40, he lost almost all his money (2018). I had about $1.4M

5 years ago, he started investing for me, $100k.

4 years ago, COVID hit. I listened to his advice and tried to short Shopify. Made a mistake, bought 10x the options. Lost $150K. Revenge traded for a while, made $20K back in 4 days. Bought some stocks based on his advice and surf-traded daily. Fat fingered again, bought 10x the SPG than intended. This turned out to be the best mistake.

3 years ago, the money I made, $3M – he started managing it.

2 year ago, set up Mom’s IBKR for him to manage too.

1 year ago (2023), at 45, his net worth is $1.4M, and mine is $7.1M ($6.5M after paying him $600K)

Amazing!

He is gonna soar from here!

He’s bought a Porche. He is moving into Kengo building in the West End with $4800/month rent.

I’m so happy for him!

Now I just hope that his health improves.

 

After saying Merry Xmas to Brian, we started talking again.

He is visiting Taiwan and Thailand these days.

I learned that he went to see a doctor in Taiwan for a. mild hernia, and a dentist in Thailand for root canal. Wow. Very unsexy haha.

I’m definitely a lot less attracted to him this time around. If last April he kept the convo going, I would’ve felt a lot for him. Let’s revisit reasons why I would never, ever make out with him or date him:

1. Not reliable / bad etiquette – Didn’t show up to my Noveween 2022 party and didn’t say anything.
2. Bad temper / blunt – When I joked about it months later, he got mad and expressed it without holding back
3. Not a thoughtful person – Didn’t warn me about crossing the border for ECF Live in 2023
4. Not a grateful person / took my idea without acknowledgement – Used my idea of hiring an agency while doing things in-house to speed up TT success, and totally forgot that he copied my idea
5. Conceited – thinks he is smarter, thinks he is a visionary
6. Negative / cynical
7. No affirmation / no compliments – dismissive
8. No physical touch
9. No quality time – never wants to hang out one on one
10. Hardly laughs or smiles
11. Cold personality
12. Doesn’t seem to have a strong sex drive
13. Wants kids
14. Wouldn’t dedicate time for a relationship, from the looks of it
15. Has a ton of health issues, including bad eye sight, root canal, hernia
16. Disappears when there’s discomfort/conflict between us
17. Doesn’t take much of an initiative to show that he is interest – not asking me out, invites me to his event and doesn’t talk to me

Smart, funny, successful – but how undatable he is!