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Going through a course “Create the Love” that Cyndi sent me.

This part made me ball my eyes out:

What did you long for from your parents the most, as a child?

I wanted to go away on weekends with my family!

It seemed like everyone else in my class got to do that. I never even went to the beach with my parents! And we lived on an island!

They were always fighting. I wanted harmony, laughter.

But I didn’t know what that looked like.

Mom and Dad joking around, having a good conversation. I have NEVER seen that! Whoa.

I have seen them being intimate in bed together (somewhat sexual), and I felt a bit left out. That didn’t happen much though…maybe just once.

Other than that I’ve only seen them fight. Or Dad pitching his story or ideas to Mom and Mom was uninterested / didn’t believe in him making it happen. Or Mom begrudgingly served Dad late night dinner while he read newspaper and show no gratitude for her.

I also didn’t want to have a brother, because I didn’t want some of the love to go to him.

I felt love from Mom. She bought me cute clothes, took me to many interesting classes, did homework with me and we had fun, laughed at my jokes, made a real effort finding the best teachers and environment for me.

But later I also resented her because of how she thought I was ugly when I lost my hair. Because of how she withheld some love and affection when I lost my hair.  Also she always openly criticized my eyes and nose.

Now, I feel pretty good towards Mom. She doesn’t judge my looks negatively anymore. She thinks highly of me. She is a bit afraid to upset me. She misses me and wants me around. She spoils me with her cooking and her friends’ cooking. She spoils me with money and I spoil her with money. She sides with me, gives me freedom, doesn’t judge me at all! I feel very lucky.

Dad didn’t have a real issue with my alopecia, joking that I’m so brilliant my hair fell out. He taught me math and science and astronomy.

But Dad was not really there for me. He was all about his business. I felt not close to him at all. Also he had a bad temper. It didn’t happen much, but he did call me an idiot a few times, such as when I got him the wrong newspaper. I did not miss him at all when Mom and I came to Canada because I never was very close to him. Even now, I don’t miss him ever.

Now, I talk to Dad once in a while. I don’t really enjoy our conversations that much. He cuts me off or disagrees with me often. The topics are less interesting than before.

Both Mom and Dad are less interesting than before. They love talking about food prices haha. I like to fold clothes or do other chores when they talk.

Looking at Mom’s life, she has lots of friends, she dances, she laughs a lot, she is keeping herself healthy. She is pretty happy in general.

Dad has almost no friends. Loves his dog. Loves the internet as he learns a lot about history etc from it. He is probably happy enough too.

I much prefer Mom’s life.

When I’m old, I’ll want to have lots of good friends, laugh a lot, and do fun things together.

I think it’s reassuring to know that many of Mom’s close friends are made later on in her life. It’s not too late for me to start!

A really cool insight from the course is that, if there was something that you longed for from your parents that you didn’t get, you can give it to yourself.

So, that would be, weekend trips / longer trips. Laughing and having fun with my partner. No judgement, no criticism. Lots of confidence in them, lots of support for them.

If I love my partners like how Mom loves me, then that’s pretty good. If I love them like how Mom loved Dad, then not good.

Actually I went on a few trips with Mom too. We have that. Maybe she missed out on that during her time with Dad and wanted more vacays too!

Another insight from the course is to view your parents as the children of their parents. This allows you to be more understanding and forgiving.

What harms did my grandparents do to my parents?

When I love people, they …think I’m generous. They give me more undivided attention. They are more sincere.

When I let people love me, they…enjoy it because I show gratitude and I reciprocate.

When I love people, I…give them all my attention, I go above and beyond, but without compromising my own livelihood, I am generous.

When I let people love me, I… well I always let people love me! As they should haha. When people love me I feel so happy, worthy. I want to love them back even more.

I joined the LifeHack Tribe recently for productivity.

While writing my mission statement about making $100 million, I realized that I am most motivated to make more friends and meet my special someone.

So my main goals would be:

1. Create more free time from work while still growing biz respectably
2. Use this free time to make more friends

I’m not super upset that I’m 41 and don’t have a group of close friends. That’s ok. It’s never too late! Mom is always building new friends, and so is Cyndi.

The current me is pretty cool so I should be able to make lots of cool friends!

Ideas:

1. Focus on friends in the entrepreneurship circle: ECF, local entrepreneurs, from LHT or youtube or IG or linkedin etc
2. Focus on funny and smart friends
3. Focus on people who are generous (e.g. with information)
4. Once a week, reach out to an existing friend and a new friend – invite them to something interesting

Make the process so simple that we can quickly train and hire cheap, then have 1 person in charge (Nicole) of the team per shift.

Or have multiple machines per person to max the efficiency.

I’m SO blissed out! I had the funnest evening with Alex! So happy and satisfied right now 🙂

Thank you God.

佛说：前世五百次的回眸，换来今世的一次擦肩而过。前世五百次的擦肩而过，换来今世的一次相遇。前世五百次的相遇，换来今世的一次相识。前世五百次的相识，换来今世的一次相知。前世五百次的相知，换来今世的一次相爱。

We are so blessed to be in each other’s arms tonight.

I wore my new outfit from ChicMe (Out of 19 outfits I bought…spent like $400 on them! Maybe 3 outfits didn’t work out, but rest are pretty good) . It was a see-through blue onesie with embroidered butterfly on it. I should take a selfie to remember myself looking hot in it haha. I really looked so hot in it…hotter than this model:

I was wearing a similar gold heart necklace too!

I only had lime juice to drink today. Wasn’t hungry, and wanted to look more slender for him.

Anna came over for engraving and left for pottery at 3:30. Perfect. I cleaned up the place and was so nervous and excited about Alex coming!

I was trying to manage my expectations. Even though on Thursday he arranged to come today, I was not fully trusting. Today, even though he said he’ll come at 6pm, I was not fully trusting. When he buzzed at exactly 6pm, I couldn’t believe it haha!

Very good performance from him this week!

He was wearing his big Canada Goose jacket, and some really nice grey sweat pants. Finally he wasn’t wearing his black pants.

We kissed and then we just hugged for a bit. Sometimes you just need a nice hug.

We caught up on the sofa as usual. He liked my outfit. He rubbed my legs and asked if I was wearing pantyhose….then realized that was just my smooth skin and was so embarrassed haha

He told me about his work happenings this week….waiting for funds to come in so he can pay the manufacturer, so he can ship a container to a store, so the store can get them by a certain time. The container shipment used to be $4000, now it’s $14,000! The order was $100K, and he got the funds only 2 days prior! Went to the bank and the service was down just seconds before the wire! He was pretty stressed. But he felt better now.

We started making out on the sofa, lied down on it. He sucked on my hits. It was pretty hot. I enjoyed every second of this…it’s so fun leading up to sex.

Then he carried me to the bedroom. Yum! I like that!

He looked really good today and smelled really good. His body was so hot…defined abs, nice caramel skin tone, nice tattoos, nice hair, one loop earring…hot grey sweat pants with red boxer briefs peeking out at the top….mmmm

Sex was amazing as usual. We tried a new position which was sideways with our legs scissored. It felt even better than just sideways! I found it while doing research on positions. We agreed it’ll be fun to try all of them!

I told him my erogenous zone is now my neck and tits instead of my ear and neck. So he spent more time on my tits today….so nice. I love that he is making an effort to please me all this week!

He didn’t compliment me much other than my ass is nice and he likes my outfit, but his actions were on point. Oh and he said my nipples fit his mouth perfectly. I like that he likes my nipples.

We talked so much today. And laughed so much.

He told me about how one time he got really sick after scuba diving in the Philippines. He was ordering from the KFC equivalent. The guy taking his order would end the sentence with MahmSir. Turned out that’s how they address people ….a combined word of Mam and Sir. I laughed so hard on that one.

Also his aunt and uncle would have a cute accent too. They pronounce Seattle “sheeato” Ahahahah

He was very interested in my new office space. We talked a lot about business tonight. I learned so much.

• Holding company for tax benefits. His accountant Ben sounds really good.
• Photoshoot – sketch first, compose the scene
• Tenant agreement – check what it says for when flood etc happens
• Can hire Nicole via WorkSafeBC
• His loan / line of credit is with BMO, and his accountant helped him
• Using a homeless person to get my vax pass haha

There were a couple times that we started making out for round 2 of sex, but I started talking again haha. I was really talkative tonight.

I’m not as serious about us anymore, in a sense. I was laughing and talking while he tried to get sexy and was kissing my neck. I don’t say serious things about us. Nothing like “I’m so into you”, “I’m so attracted to you”, “You are perfect”. I think these are stress-inducing sentences because they imply that I’m overly obsessed and dependent on him.

He told me about how expensive animations were. 45k euros for 15 to 20 seconds!

He showed me his thought process in storyboarding the animation, how to save money, etc. He really is smart. Good memory on things too.

I just LOVE spending time with him.

He loves it too. He says I’m his Mexico vacation. I said I’m his flowrider haha (cuz I was gonna go to Mexico for flowrider)

When I said he should timeblock some downtime, he said I’m his timeblock.

He also said our sesh was his gym. Since gyms were shut down since a week or two ago because of Omicron.

Second round was also amazing…but he got so sensitive and didn’t cum.

He stayed ’til 11:45pm. He was gonna go check on Ed and Kevin, who are doing mushroom tonight. And then maybe eat McDonald’s he said.

Well, I’m glad he came to me instead of mushroom as priority. We had such a great time.

I called Bunny right after. Lied about being on phone with Dad…. I’m so good at lying it’s strange!

I like Alex so much. I hope we keep our passion and this level of intensity and fun for a long time!

I woke up with a couple dreams. One was that I got mad at Alex over something small. Another one was also a bad dream.

I told him last night that I had a short fuse. I hope I learn to manage that, and that we are going to be on good and sexy and happy terms always.

I had asked if he remembered us first meeting. I told him all the things I liked about him when I met him back then. How he was very friendly right away, like we already knew each other for a while. How I thought he was cute and one time saw him topless while talking to Keith, and thought his body was hot. The truth is, I also thought, “Ew, but he’s got tattoos”.

I told him about how he got so excited about the grey parrots and it was cute. And watching him talking to Hristo made me think he has a high EQ.

He wasn’t very much on the same page. He didn’t remember how we flew back. He didn’t remember ignoring me on the way back. For me I’ve never met someone for years and then hook up. For him I think it’s not unusual.

He did say that he remembered checking out my ass in booty shorts and thought I had a nice ass. Not sure if it was real or him saying it to reciprocate me telling him my memory of him.

He said he always thought I was easy-going, super outgoing, and fun. He said some girls get mad over little things. Interesting. So it’s my personality that won him over? I told him he just sees that side of me. I said I have a short fuse, but I’m learning to understand that everyone has different perspectives, and to talk it out.

I also mentioned that my short fuse is not with friends or family, just people I date. Probably because I’m hard on myself and I become hard on the person that I date since we’re close.

Anyway, I hope we continue happily for a long time. It’s been 2.5 months (10 weeks) now…and we have met up 7 times I think.

There had been 3 times that he missed our date….and I definitely have felt sad over him for many days….but he also makes me so happy.

This morning I listened to some Let’s Stay Together, juiced some lime and celery, and had a big smile on my face. Then I had some expensive lychees, and felt so happy, lucky, and satisfied.

I have never felt so happy in my life with anyone else. Alex is special.

I wasn’t as clingy this time compared to before I think. We were cuddling after sex, but I was less “stuck on him”…I was more caressing him, and we were holding hands often. He was playing with my shoulder, shoulder blades cuz those areas turn him on. Weird.

Oh, and I sucked on his dick for the first time! I figured I should reward him for being good this week! He wasn’t as big as I remembered….maybe 5.5 or 5.75 inches. But it’s perfect. I told him I love his dick as I sucked on it. He told me my ass looked nice.

Also, I learned that he is more selfish with his money. Instead of altruistic good deeds, he’ll likely give them to his descendants. I guess many Asians are like that. He asked if I ever worried about income in the early days of entrepreneurship. I said, No, I have money saved up…I’m Asian! He laughed and totally agreed.

We talked about what era we’d like to live in. I said 1000 years into the future when we can live (as healthy and young) forever, and have very sophisticated VR. He said if he was born about 8 years earlier (be 25 now) and

Gah I want this office! It’s perfect!

I sent the land lady one more email. I’ll keep manifesting with feelings!

Yesterday, Thursday, Alex asked, “Whens the next time I can see u again?? ”

Aww, he is asking ahead of time like I asked him to!

I suddenly realized that maybe he didn’t arrange to meet up with me last weekend because he was supposed to go away to Mexico and thought he told me the dates?

I want to believe that. I want to believe that he wants to make it work between us and will.

He is so special to me.

I went to Bunny’s last night. I brought some groceries and we watched some Seinfeld and an octopus documentary. Octopuses are so cool! We ate some chicken waffles – my fave!

After that, we cuddled. I didn’t expect this, but we started making out and had sex! I was pretty horny…not sure if it’s because of John or Alex.

I was rubbing his chest while we watched TV. He still has such a defined and sexy chest even though he’s been at home for 5 months now. But I’m so glad that his knee is getting better each day, and he can now take short walks. Tomorrow, he is gonna go see the chiro that Wil had recommended. Finally!

Our sex was very very short. Less than a minute. He turned me around and we did doggie style right away. Not at all like how Alex would do it. Alex likes to start with missionary style, and look at my face as his dick goes inside of me. I love that. His dick feels amazing the moment it goes inside of me. I showed it all over my face and he can tell. So he loves watching my face in that moment.

I actually told John that we don’t have to have sex if he didn’t want to. I wasn’t sure if he felt pressured to do it, and it wasn’t very good last time, and he seemed to be in agony after.

This time, it still didn’t feel amazing, but it felt better than last time. It was so short I didn’t have a chance to climax before he did. He was again in pain after. He said his heart rate was so high. Something is wrong with him if a few seconds of sex impacted him so much.

In some ways I’m glad we are having sex again, but in some ways feeling guilty that I told Alex that John and I are not physical. Ironic.

In the long run, I think I’d like to move to Austin. Meet the love of my life there. Build a community there.

I don’t know if Mom being here would make it impossible to move to the US. I hope not. I hope she comes to visit sometimes.

Had dinner takeout from Black Rice on Wednesday, when I met up with Ty for his bday. I haven’t been hanging out with him as much, mainly because he has been a bit distant. Not sure if it’s because his work was taking up a lot of his time, or if there’s something else on his mind.

But on Wednesday it was all good. We talked and laughed as usual. Ahhh but not like how it is with Alex. I always thought Ty and I have the best talks that no one else can beat. But Alex makes me laugh in such a way that it’s just….wonderful. Like he is a bit clumsy or goofy…but still very smart and pensive.

Also Alex just has that sexual charm…..but only after our mushroom night. Before that he was always so poker faced and non-flirty, I wasn’t sure if he was attracted to me. I guess he still is poker faced, but, now I know he is attracted to me.

So Ty and I laughed a lot, but there was noooo sexual vibes at all. That’s amazing. I bet if he showed some interest a few months ago I would’ve been into him. But he managed to nip that in the bud, and now we are as platonic as it gets. I don’t mind it at all. I feel like he’ll be a life long close friend, just like Cyndi. I hope they become friends again in the future.

He started working on ToonProv again the past 2 weeks. He said thanks to me asking him what his most happy and meaningful moment was. I’m glad! I hope it goes far! And I selfishly hope to be that person who helps me find his purpose, fill that void, cure that feeling of sadness about aging that he has.

When I buy a lot in Texas, maybe we can build the community, the Cult, the Collabrative, that he/we dreamt of.

I want to shape my future. I think I’ve let it be for a while….embracing the unknown. There’s always gotta be a balance of both. Shape it as much as I can, embrace all the surprises along the way! 🙂

Had a fun VA meeting with Dale, Faroo, and Yana last night! It was 2.5 hours long and we laughed so much!

I didn’t want to do it. I always dread having VA meetings. But just before it I pumped myself up with “This is what you came for” music haha. Then I made a lot of jokes during. We all had fun I think.

At the beginning of the meeting, I saw that Alex finally messaged me.

I’ve been trying to battle my inner demon since the weekend…since he didn’t message me to say let’s have sex or not…just nothing. This makes me so sad, and I had to come to terms that maybe this isn’t something he can change, and that it’s not about me, and that I need to see this as nothing more than a casual thing.

He messaged me like he didn’t do anything wrong. Oh well. I’m not gonna turn our sexlationship into a me-getting-mad-at-him dynamic, so I let it slide. I do hope that he will be actively arranging our next sex though. If not, that’s that.

I haven’t been eagerly masturbating the past 10 days…well, except for one day where I gave myself 4 orgasms. I had my period, and, after that, I masturbated that one day, then, I didn’t feel like it…I think I’m having a small yeast infection or a HPV relapse! I hope it’s not bad…I hope it goes away soon.

I think it’s either the celery juice or him stressing me out / pissing me off.

Ugh. I can’t wait to meet my dream husband.

In 5 years, I’ll be 46 years old! Omg!

But I’ll be young physically, mentally, and energetically, so, all good!

I live with passion and enthusiasm and compassion!

I’m in love, loved, and loving someone intimately. We have amazing sex all the time. We are experiencing all the amazingness of love together!

I have $50MM to my wealth, and I’ll be able to double it in the next 4 years.

I’m surrounded by cool friends! As in, kind, smart, funny, loving, sincere, interesting, and inspiring friends. I love them and they love me.

Mom is healthy, wealthy, and around lots of friends that love her too. She is still dancing, laughing, and having lots of fun. We go on trips sometimes.

With my boyfriend/husband, friends, and mom – we are experiencing fun adventures, meaningful events, and funny moments together.

So basically, more health, more wealth, more love.

Now, fulfillment….

Love is fulfilling….but perhaps I need something else. Making an impact on the world is fulfilling…but it seems less important than having love, laughing, and experiencing new things together with friends…

But, I think, the path to doing something of impact, that is the path we take to make life interesting so that along the way we meet interesting people!

So, I shall spend time on interesting projects!

I don’t understand him.

I thought we were good, but then, didn’t hear from him since Thursday.

I’ve tried not to overthink it, even though my mind keeps going to this imaginary conversation I’d have with him if/when he messages me.

Cyndi has been my confidant. She is dating Dylan and Nathan, and both of them are so sweet to her. I’m so happy for her, and wish I have that too.

I’ve been manifesting. Gotta remember to put emotions into it too. I want a guy that loves me in a way that I want to be loved, and I love him the way that he wants to be loved. I think, that’s the bottom line. Love as in connection, emotionally and physically. Ahhh I want love so badly….what it’s like to love someone so much, and be loved so much, that both of us want to spend every moment together and marry each other? I want to experience that. I want to laugh, love, play together with this amazing man.

Things are pretty good with John these days, but, he doesn’t make me laugh like Alex does. And he doesn’t want to have sex with me. And sex with him feels terrible really.

He is sweet though…and trying his best to heal.

Also, I should mention that he has helped me make over $1.3 million in 2021, and $1.1 million in 2020. I’ll give him $400K for 2021 (gave him $150K in 2020).

It’s not confirmed that I have it yet, but I feel it inside that this is going to be my office space and I’m gonna love it!

It’s in northern Richmond, almost 1000 sqft, $1500/month, open layout, a bathroom, lots of windows. It’s PERFECT!

It’s 25 minutes from my place, 20 from Anna’s, and 8 from Nicole’s!

Oh I want this place! Imagine all the fun things I can do with this space, besides putting in 3 engraving machines and lots of ring organizing buckets.

I can host parties! Have photoshoots! Invite people over for acroyoga! Parking would be easy!

I’ll only have tame events though…nothing too wild. I’ll be respectful of this space. It’s my dream space!

I hope I get it!