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Been sick since last Sunday. 7 days now.

On the 4th day I thought I was gonna be 100%, but it seems like my flu turned into a cold, and I am now having a stuffy head and a stuffy nose, the past 3 days.

John is sick too, since Tuesday. He’s always unwell so it’s hard to tell how sick he is.

I feel, so sad.

I don’t know exactly why.

I still think about Alex everyday. My memory of him is not very clear anymore, but the emotional intensity is still just as strong sometimes.

I don’t know how to get over him. I don’t know how to get over this feeling of loss….

I think I’m grieving. Grieving for the loss of that feeling of love. How much I loved him, how much I feel loved by him. I miss the laughing, talking, singing, holding hands, holding each other, kissing, making love. I miss every moment that we had together, Every. Moment.

I’m sad that this is gone. I’m sad that I’m STUCK with John.

I want to be free from John. But I want to be free because he is well. Healthy and financially sound and happy. But when will that time come?

Meanwhile I’m not in the mood to look for someone. I just want to have very good friends and expand from there.

John just called me as I was writing the above and balling my eyes out incredibly hard.

Ironically, I was happy that he called. I gathered myself together so it didn’t seem like I’ve been crying, and called him back.

He asked how I was doing.

There are definitely good qualities about him.

He is mentally stable. He reaches out to me. He doesn’t get mad or overly upset at me. He didn’t blame me for getting him sick. I can trust that he won’t ghost or run away on me.

I looked up the stages of grief. Because, I know that losing hair is a grieving process. Losing Alex must be too.

I think I’m in the depression stage.

The next would be acceptance.

In the realm of what’s possible, what would I want to happen right now?

I was thinking about travelling to a tropical place with a fun group of people including Cyndi and Ty. Ah, how sad that even that is fantasy? Can’t travel abroad right now, Cyndi lives far away with no money, Cyndi and Ty are no longer together, and Ty is not into travelling atm (and even if he is, he is going to Argentina with his childhood friends).

Build my own friend group. I have so few friends.

I need to focus on building a friend group!

I keep saying that. I need to act on it!

Criteria:

1. Want to hang out
2. Can hang out (has time)
3. Smart
4. Fun
5. Reliable
6. Bonus: Inspiring

When I’m recovered from this flu/cold, I’m gonna…well, I guess I need to get my biz back on track first, hire the people I need to hire, visit mom….then eventually get to having friends…

I guess the 1 thing I can do is to sign up for dance.

And reach out to the girl who owns a tea shop who is in Life Hack Tribe.

John is not so bad. He isn’t needy. He is kind and stable. He is trying. He is handsome.

I am not stopped by him to go out and meet people. So really, I need to just do that. Go out and meet people. He is my indoor night time cuddle buddy. Don’t ask for more, don’t expect more, and don’t let it stop me from making friends and finding my soulmate.

Alex is far from ideal. His mood swings at the slightest gust of wind. Same with his reliability and responsibleness. I would never have felt safe with someone like that.

So, I need to stop fantasizing about being together in any capacity. He’ll just disappoint and hurt.

Remember, the best is yet to come.

Remember, I can manifest 🙂

Went to Ty’s 70’s fashion show at the Beef House on Saturday.

On Sunday, got super sick. Achey all over, no energy. Frequent piercing pain in random places. I haven’t felt this sick since I got a flu when I was around 25 years old. 17 years ago!

Monday, headache and swollen achey throat. Piercing pain in head and shoulder areas. Hard to talk because it’d hurt. Phlegm. Skin terrible.

Tuesday, less swollen and achey throat, no more headache. Voice still shot. Phlegm.

Wednesday, throat almost normal, voice almost normal. Phlegm pretty much gone. Just a nerve behind the right ear that sometimes gets shooting pain…gone by evening. A bit congested in the evening. Skin better.

Tina, Adina, and Allison also got sick. Brian and Verneet maybe.

Tina was tested negative for COVID when she first got symptoms. Then tested again the next day and was positive.

I still think it was a flu, not covid.

I took cordeyceps everyday. Some Ener-C. Fish broth that Mom made. Oat milk (for Vitamin D).

I was hit pretty hard, but was improving fairly quickly.

Today, the 4th day, I went out to buy some celery. Probably shouldn’t have, if it was covid.

John came over to bring me a juice on Sunday, then went to see his friend Mike, drove him to airport, then went to see his Mom, then came by in the evening.

He put a cold towel on my forehead, and made me some lemon water.

On Monday, I asked him to come by again. He wanted to go skating. He came by briefly, then came by again after skating.

Both times he didn’t want to stay long, which was very frustrating for me. The fact that he came empty handed also pissed me off. In fact, he ate my food while I was sick…ate my bananas etc.

He wanted to leave at 9:48pm, because he was hungry and was gonna go home to get something to eat. I was a bit pissed. I said fine, I’ll order something for myself. He changed his mind and stayed to make me a salad with food in my fridge.

I thought it was still pretty lame that he was using my food, but he was really proud of himself. I pretended to really appreciate it.

It was a pretty decent salad. Cucumber, tomatoes, avo, blueberries, nuts, orange peppers.

But it’s because I bought all of those ingredients.

He chopped them up and thought he was the king. Ugh.

I know he ate a bunch of it too.

What a moron. I gave him $200k so far this year and he can’t bring a fucking salad? Or order something? I brought countless trips of groceries to him last year….maybe 15, 20 trips. He brought me 1 jar of tahini this year.

He is so unlovable, honestly.

Stingy. Boring. Repetitive. Ruminating. Depressing.

He is teachable, and I think he is already better than before. But still such a long way to go.

He’s been stressed out because the stock market has been fluctuating more than ever. Stupid Russian war.

I just feel like I can’t escape this fate…..this fate that I must be with him for now and god knows how much longer.

Today he told me again that he is worried that he might have cancer because he doesn’t have any appetite.

He had recently ordered an extensive blood work from a naturalpathic doctor, which will hopefully shed light on how to improve his health.

It’s been almost 4 years now that we are together. Omg.

I can’t wait for him to find his health and happiness.

I can’t wait for me to find my own.

I want the kind of sex and affection that Alex and I have.

I still think about him. I still miss him.

Yesterday, I still cried about him, before and after I masturbated. Like, just as I was getting healthy enough to feel the urge to masturbate, my mind goes to him.

Today, I posted on IG my cherry dress and my space buns.

I had planned this for weeks. I wanted to post them for Alex to see.

He had mentioned at one point that he liked that hair style (on anime girls).

And my cherry dress was super cute and sexy.

Looks like he did view my stories.

But what of it?

Nothing changes.

Still stuck with John. Still can’t date Alex.

I’m too congested today to feel much for Alex. I still masturbated to the thought of him today, but no tears. Does this mean he doesn’t miss me anymore either?

If this life is for me to play, I understand why I don’t have kids.

But I wish I had a playmate….even multiple playmates!

Maybe this weekend I’ll feel well enough to be spiritual. I’ll do some visualization and manifesting!

Today I didn’t cry about Alex, but I did yesterday and possibly everyday before that in the past week.

You’d think I’d be over him by now. It’s been 3 months, and we were only together for 3 months.

Yesterday I was just lying in bed and thinking about him and I cried. Sometimes I just burst out crying while watching Mom…not really thinking about him… This makes me think either I’m just crying because of hormones or because I’m still sad deep down about losing him.

I wonder if he still feels sad about losing me.

My bun bun.

I miss how he called me “My bunny”.

Yesterday I posted on FB about Elon Musk buying Twitter. The romantic part of me thinks that when I post, he is reminded of me and he misses me, which triggered my brain to miss him and cry when I post something on social, because we are connected. Our higher selves are.

But maybe it’s just my brain. Sigh.

I miss him so much. Still do. It’s just so blissful being with him. I feel so dead inside now. Talking to John is boring and draining. He is always suffering. I miss being happy and excited.

I know that John is my real saviour. He helped prevent me from getting the vaccine. He helped me become financially free. I have $4MM+ and $165K/year dividend income thanks to him.

Aside from Mom, no one has helped me in life more than he has!

He is down at the bottom right now health wise, and I need to help him.

But…I want to live a happy life too.

What I had with Alex was perfect. I wish it could stay that way forever.

There’s no other way that him and I can work….

I hope John heals, and heals soon. I hope we both find our special someone that is great for us in life. He is a good guy. He deserves to be happy.

I deserve to be happy too. To be laughing and having fun with the person I love, and the person loves me back just as much. We are always excited about seeing each other. Everyday is fresh and an adventure, yes we feel so safe having each other.

I want to get healthy, get social, get happy. I want to meet my soul mate.

On Thursday, I’ll fast.

Cyndi asked if it’s possible that Alex moved downtown because of me.

Gosh, wouldn’t that be sweet.

Imagine, if he had had a crush on me for a while.

I mean, he did tell me when he moved downtown.

He did asked me to bachata during pandemic.

Very slacked off day today. Interviewed Firuza at Noon.

Masturbated and thought about Alex and cried…again. I guess that’s just how it is now.

Napped.

Placed D6 order with Udoo.

Went for a walk to London Drugs to buy some stamps.

Quick trip to Costco to buy pork rinds for Mom.

Came home and ate a crab, a salad with green goddess dressing I made (avo, cilantro nuts, lemon juice, garlic), fudgsicle, microwaved Brussels sprouts, this gelatin “skin” (rou yuan pi) Mom made. I guess it’s pre-period so I’m eating a lot.

Typical day really.

After staying at work with Anna from 4pm ’til midnight last night!

I guess today was my recovery day.

Firuza seemed like a good hire. Fingers crossed! Come to think of it, I should’ve asked for references.

She is 33, from Kyrgyzstan. She is a single mom, living near King Edward station. Been here for 7 years, daughter is 9 years old and on kids’ Tik Tok. called Likee. Nice nails.

She is $18/h and she seems very reasonable of a person, so I just offered here the job on the spot. Ahahaha.

I still feel like this life is a blessing to me, and I believe that good things are in abundance for me in this life!

So, I shall make more decision, do more things! Try more things!

Remember: I can manifest!

Sometimes I think about manifesting Alex into my life again. Because what we had was so good, so fun, so sexually mind-blowing….I don’t even know what is better than that. I guess someone who is more capable of love? Someone who isn’t as self-centered? And isn’t a dismissive avoidant? And doesn’t want kids? And lives in a nice place on his own instead of with his parents? And doesn’t have a drinking issue?

I mean, everyone has something. The most important is that we have an amazing time together, and that we both keep trying to make it work, make it better.

The problem with Alex is that, even if we get back together, I’d still feel like he’d give up on us on a whim.

That’s one HUGE cool thing about Bunny that is 1000x better than Alex. Bunny is always trying to make things better. He doesn’t give up on us.

But one HUGE cool thing about Alex is that we have an amazing time together.

So, I want a guy who is BOTH!

I’m excited about starting Firuza as our new hire!

Week 1: Establish our brand feel, target audience, study competitors, SWOT analysis, learn the rings, help with packing, list all the marketing channels (blog, social media platforms, email funnels, etc), come up with a content strategy (what formats, what content gets repurposed)

Week 2: Pack rings, prepare some content!

—

ECF Amazon Mastermind was great. Members are mostly power sellers. Very friendly. Biggest thing I learned was to add “Amazon custom” because Amazon does drive a lot of sales!

ECF Vancouver meeting was SO much fun omg. Because of Jackson. I really like him. He is funny.

Bill was so much more likeable this time! He has done so much in his life, and he is always eager to learn and to network. These are traits of a forever-young mind.

He arranged for us to meet up at eComSquare coworking. We got to meet Steve, the co-owner of the place. it’s such a cool place. 2 floors and they can add a 3rd! If I had that I’d make it my dream house!

I think that’s what I want – a building! Maybe surrounded by a garden.

David is really sweet too. He is very transparent. I like him too.

Jackson, David, and Steve all have Asian girlfriends/wives. Interesting!

It was April 8, the day that the vax pass dropped (within Canada). Still can’t fly, but can go to restaurants. Jackson suggested that we hang out that day cuz of me. Aw that’s sweet.

We were gonna go to Earls, but I’m so glad that we went to Feel City BBQ instead.

It was such a fun time. Laughing at toasts on sticks, lamb on harpoons/javelin, chicken and chicken knees mixed together for a chicken roulette. Talking about biz, tennis, Jackson’s brother, alopecia.

I think working so hard to be successful – it’s just to be able to hang out with smart, hardworking, successful fun people!

Jackson wanted to play credit card roulette, which resulted in him and Bill paying for me and Dave haha.

I really like Jackson. He is even funnier than Alex in some ways. But, Alex has a nice body, and…Alex has a face that I’m more drawn to. And Alex has a sexual energy to him.

Brian I like too. Not sure if he is funny, but learned today that he is a professional dancer (breakdancing)! Holy shit! That makes him so much more attractive! But also, he might be gay…most likely haha. That would be good actually…maybe meet some straight guys through him!

Would like to see more ECF members in Vancouver…especially cute guys!

That night, I was feeling pretty good. I can still have a great time and laugh lots without Alex, without sex. That’s good to know and experience.

I decided to masturbate while reminiscing about having sex with Alex, thinking that I’m ready to do it now without crying.

Nope. Right after I orgasmed, I still cried. Cried so hard.

I cried and talked my thoughts out loud. I don’t remember doing so with such clarity and eloquence before. It was actually very healing.

As I listened to my thoughts spoken out loud, I understood better my pain.

I just wanted that amazing feeling to stay the same, to last. It wasn’t a reasonable ask, because nothing lasts forever.

Sometimes I have this feeling that he misses me too, especially when I suddenly miss him. I feel like he is missing me, which in turn made me miss him. Like we are telepathically connected.

I may or may not be romanticizing us, but, it makes me feel better so I’m going to believe that.

I honestly can’t think of a scenario that will cause him to reach out to me, or a scenario that it would be a good idea for us to hook up again. But part of me thinks that, if it is meant to happen, it’ll happen. Maybe it’ll be decades from now. I hope we’ll still be reasonably hot haha…and be able to have the same passionate and romantic sex.

After about 2 months of feeling super sad over Alex, I feel that I’m finally catching up on things.

Still sad, but more functional.

Sigh.

Even this morning I woke up thinking about him.

I thought about if there’s at all possible a scenario that he’ll reach out to me. I can’t think of any.

Usually in a movie if something is this good, there’s a sequel, a trilogy.

But this is real life. I likely won’t see him again. And if I do, it won’t be on good terms. Not steamy sex, romantic making out, and intimate pillow talks. I wish we could have all this, but I don’t think so.

Most recent feeling is kinda negative towards him. Like subconsciously I’m going through a healing journey. I’ll reach peace at some point. All the exes mean nothing to me now. Soon Alex will be too.

I guess he was there just to open my mind up about short Asian guys.

Now I don’t even have a type. I don’t know what I find attractive anymore. I guess anything goes.

Bunny finally found a chiro that might be able to help him. That’s such amazing news!

I’m one step closer to being free.

We’ve been a bit closer now. Talking on the phone for an hour or more each night.

When I think about it, he helped me make over $2MM. He’s been the most helpful person in my life, financially.

For some reason I have little confidence in him when we set the TV up. And I sort of don’t admire him in trading… but I have no idea why. I trusted him enough to have him manage my money, and to have invested in what he recommended 2 years ago…but I’m not admiring him…why is that?

In contrast, I admired Alex. Always have. Maybe because I have a better idea of how hard it is to run a successful business?

Maybe if Alex was helping me install the TV I wouldn’t have trusted him on that either?

Everyone has strengths in different arenas.

I need to learn to respect and admire Bunny more.

He IS smart in some ways. His brain is compromised, yet he can still be smart, so he must be quite smart.

I still bow to my gods every morning and night – Goddess of Compassion, God of Wealth, God of Health, a gold yuanbao, a casual-Goddess-of-Compassion, and my love necklace.

Things have shifted a bit for me now though, after I learned about the concept of 9 dimensions and the God within ourselves. God is the sum of parts…and we are the parts. But in time we become god. And in dimensions where there is no time, we are God.

Now I feel that God isn’t this warm and loving being…God is a humongous being, and we are a cell. Or even smaller…an organelle within a cell. We are soooo small.

But I want to believe that God is this warm and loving being…that we are taken cared of. That there are no mistakes, no regrets, no guilt, no blames – only deeper understanding and learning and evolution.

I suppose just because I’m not aware of all my cells, and not warm and loving towards each organelle in my cells, it doesn’t mean that God is like that to us. God could be much more aware than we are. And maybe we are much more aware than we know we are 🙂

I need to remember that at the root of all this is LOVE.

The Mom show is very interesting. The grandma, who is 51, lead a life of not trusting men & addiction after her boyfriend of 2 years disappeared on Xmas eve, right after she gave birth.

Knowing that people do walk out on their partners, this isn’t just dramatized fiction. The fact that she couldn’t hold her life together after that makes so much more sense now.

I have so much more compassion for that just because Alex ghosted me. It wasn’t nearly the same, but gosh, I get an inkling of how traumatizing this would’ve been for her! Enough to fuck a person up for life!

Turned 42! The meaning of life!

Goals for this year:

1. Learn 1 dance a month
2. Expand and deepen friendships

Bunny took me on an all day date. It was nice.

First, he showed up with beautiful flowers and a tub of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream! Then we went to Lynn Valley for a quick hike. Then we went to Jericho Beach Park to see the bunnies!

Bunny is kind of a bunny whisperer haha. He got a baby bunny to be so close to us, and as we were leaving, he whistled at some bunnies and they all came running over!

The baby bunny was standing/sitting on her hind legs sometimes like a Disney bunny haha. So cute.

Then we went to Boba Run and got a dalgona bubble tea just before they closed. Then, we got chicken waffles from Le Coq Frit, my fave!

Then we came back to my place and Bunny helped me set up the TV.

I got quite frustrated at him several times….but eventually we got it.

The LG 65″ OLED TV, C1 series – current best TV, $2100 – is now mounted on my pillar.

We sat on the sofa and marvelled at the stunning picture quality for a while.

Bunny was feeling pretty shitty physically and went home. I’m grateful that he made all this effort for me.

Still it’s not nearly as fun as a night with Alex. And god knows I still miss him so.

Today, day after my bday, I’m still missing him so much. Still thought of him as I masturbated and still cried.

This period was 3 days late, but it was one of my best ones. Not too heavy. I wonder if it’s the celery juice! 4 months into this now.

Today, Bunny went to see a new chiro. Michael Foran, a nucca chiro.

For the first time, Bunny was happy with a chiro and there’s evidence that he is good! Bunny showed me a paper folio of all the charts and diagrams and data on his spine alignment and temperature! It was incredible!

I’m SO happy for him!!

My wish has come true haha. Bunny is on the path of wellness!

I hope he feels much better in 6 weeks as the chiro predicts. Usually feel a difference in 3 weeks.

God has been kind to me. I’m so grateful.

I was talking to Mom today and telling her how many biz owners don’t take a profit for years. I’m so lucky that I’ve been able to take a profit because the profit margin for rings is so great.

Today I barely worked. I think I had too much sugar yesterday. And setting up the TV was mega stressful.

But I think tomorrow is going to be a great new start!

I’m looking forward to being productive. I’m looking forward to dancing, singing, laughing, spending more time with friends, and scaling the biz with dual layered rings! So exciting!!!!

Wow. I’ve been talking to Cyndi often lately, and discovered the “dismissive avoidant” attachment type by chance.

Cyndi learned that she is a fearful avoidant last year. She shuts down when she is afraid of getting hurt.

Her behaviour can be so unpredictable and hurtful to the guys.

I asked her how it started. She said when she was 5, her parents woke up up and told her that mommy and daddy don’t love each other anymore, and that she had to choose who to go with. It was such a shock to her, because her parents never fought in front of her and Tina. Her dad, this amazing guy, cheated on her mom with her best friend. That was also a shock.

I thought about how the shock was the most traumatizing part. It came totally as a surprise.

I thought about how that’s why I was so traumatized by Alex’s silence. We had so much fun, laughing, making out, making love….and just like that, he ghosted me. It was completely unexpected.

I figured that for someone to do this to someone else, they must’ve had it done to them. So I looked up avoidant attachment, and discovered that he is a textbook dismissive avoidant. Wow.

It was, in some ways, comforting because now I feel that he shut down because he was starting to develop feelings for me, not because he doesn’t care about me.

On the other hand, it also means he needs therapy, and that I can never date him….well, that’s nothing new because he wants kids…so I guess nothing was lost…aside from the 2 months of fun and the bittersweet parting sex that we could’ve had today or yesterday.

Part of me wants him to not ever find the one to start a family with, give up on the idea of families, get therapy, and be with me.

He is the best I’ve ever had in every way. Funnest, best in bed. Smart, successful. I was so drawn to him. I was smitten with him I was in love, more than I ever have in my 42 years of life.

But, he’ll just be a small part of my life. A memory.

Sigh.

I’m better now though. I’m pulling my pieces together.