My Site

So much to do, but I’ve been addicted to Limitless.

Before that, Dirk Gently.

Before that, too busy being sad about the breakup with Alex.

I think about Sam too. He hasn’t messaged me since my birthday. Sigh. Can’t count on him to be consistent.

He did sign up for Bali Tribe though.

Our Slack chatrooms have begun, and he is on there. Kent too. So far we only have 12 people, and 2 are staff so I’m not sure if they are actually with us. I hope we get to meet Diego or Andrea!

I checked out the people. Filipa and Dile are staff, and are girls. Deborah is the only other girl besides me! She is 22, from Brazil, and super cute. Like the sweet, warm kind of face that I think every guy wants. Oh man.

The guys are very….well, typical I guess. No one cute. Well, one has potential but I don’t think his personality is cute. Another is not cute but his personality and sense of humour seem on point.

Then there’s Sam. I feel the need to remind myself to keep a distance. Observe before I act. He is so unpredictable.

I need to remember that:

1. There could be better fish in the sea – just as funny but more reliable
2. I can learn humour from him at least
3. It’s better to hookup outside the Tribe
4. Be friends with him first.
5. Give him space to explore and to chase me.
6. Socialize with everyone. Build those deep and fun connections.
7. Be fun, funny, energetic, charismatic!

Wow, time flies!!!

I’ll be turning 38 in 1.5 hours.

It’s not an age that ends with a 0 or a 5, so I suppose it isn’t as dramatic. I do want to take some time to reflect however.

Breaking up with Alex 10 days ago was very very hard. It’s been very very hard. I thought I had finally found the one. Looking back, we were having an ok time, but never an amazing time. The reason why it was hard was because he was so sweet to me, so loving, so handsome, so kind….and I so wish that he really was the one.

I was looking forward to settling down with him. Build businesses together. Enjoy our nesting time together.

Of course, I can still remember being sorta in love with Sam also. And all my doubts about Alex just before coming back.

Six weeks in South Africa. I thought it changed me and made me realize I needed to find someone funnier. But I read my journal from 1 year ago, and saw that I had wanted someone funny as a priority. I just….jumped in to quick with Alex.

Sam has shown interest, I think. A couple days after the breakup, I posted that I’ve signed up for going to Bali. He messaged me right away asking how Canada was treating me, and that he threw his shoe at a duck and it just wasn’t the same.

We’ve been talking almost every day since. About love.

Honestly I’ve forgotten how I felt about him. I really liked him, I recall. I thought I loved him even! The breakup with Alex just filled my mind 1000%. I feel more love for Alex actually. But I know we shouldn’t be back together.

Besides, Sam is too young and too unreliable to be my boyfriend.

He suggested that I go to Bali in May, because he’s going in May. I said no at first. But I changed my mind because Mom thinks it’s better for me to go in May. Then he told me he’ll probably rent an AirBnB instead of joining the WifiTribe.

That’s fine by me. Less drama for me if I don’t “have to” see him everyday. It’ll give me the freedom to hangout with and check out other people. Granted it’ll give him the same.

Nothing has really changed between us from our time together in South Africa. I’m single now, yes. But I don’t want to date him. I mean, if I know that he will be amazing to me, that he’ll love me, then, sure. But, I somehow don’t think he has the capacity to. He describes himself in a way that he seems like the best lover in the world. But, I don’t think he is.

I just want to find someone who loves me and makes me laugh often, and laughs loudly at my jokes too. Who is at the same time, very loyal, affectionate, passionate, reliable, healthy physically and mentally, has decent savings and income, is successful, does not “need” my help but we can and like to help each other, deserves my respect, inspires me, and is generous and kind. Oh and ideally, similar to me in age.

Sam is great. But he is at a different stage in his life and career. I know, I’m saying all this with in mind that he probably isn’t a mature enough and devoted enough of a boyfriend. But if he were, those things don’t matter. Because he makes me laugh, so hard. That’s a super important (and rare) thing.

Yes I kind of wish that he is the one and we’ll live happily ever after. I’m not optimistic about that though. So, I’ll just be indifferent for now. There are plenty of fish in the sea. There really are.

I want someone whom I can do the most boring things with and still have fun!

Alright, so that’s love at the moment.

Business. Well, business isn’t great at the moment. Sales had a sharp decline since last August/September. About the time I met Alex. Maybe now that we’ve broken up it’ll go up? haha

Gonna hire CPC Strategy to mange my ppc ads. Gonna release more rings. Not sure what to do aside from that. I’m blank at the moment. Just very lost in the breakup. I think I need to spend money to grow it this year. And be creative with what to do about the rings next.

Money. Well, I got to about $1.15MM recently. Stocks have dropped though, so I’m not sure if I’m still at that. Actually, thanks to Alex, I sold all my FB stocks. They are now $20 less than when I told them. Thanks, my Bunny.

Living. Well, rent was $700/month here in Burnaby. But I moved in with Alex and now I’ve lost this place. Sigh. It’s a sign that I should move on though. Be more dynamic. More nomadic. Maybe I’ll stay in Bali for half of the year as I have wanted (To spend cold months in a tropical place)!

Health. Overall great. Growing a mohawk! Want to get toned for Bali.

I count my blessings and thank my lucky stars. Thank you my Goddess of Compassion. Thank you, everyone who have passed on.

I hope this year is full of joy, laughter, wonder, love, success, wealth, health!

Yesterday I posted on FB about signing up for 2 more chapters, and my intention of going to Bali. I kind of wanted to see who are going, and I guess I kinda wanted Sam to know about it. I don’t feel anything about him right now though. My head is 1000% Alex. I still feel so heart broken.

Sure enough, Sam messaged me today. Actually I’m a little surprised. It’s a sign that he likes me I think. More than a little bit like.

I remember having a conversation with him about Alex. I told him that I felt pessimistic about me and Alex.

He said Oh Tanya, you gotta protect your heart. I thought, “I’m not worried about my feelings. I’m worried about Bunny’s feelings. I’ll be ok!” But, he was right. My heart hurts.

Alex, my bunny. I thought we were supposed to grow old together! There were warning signs in the beginning, but I overlooked them. And so did he.

And in truth, he was the best I’ve met so far. Sweet, loving, handsome, tall, blue eyes, slender, loyal, and sometimes funny. You were everything on my list, baby!

But, maybe the list is BS.

I met Sam. He made me laugh so much. For the first time, I didn’t care about looks. I felt that I could be with him and love him forever.

We seem to be able to talk to each other so easily, and think very much the same way.

BUT…there are many buts.

He is 26, 11 years younger. He hasn’t lived long enough, and we may have generation gaps.

He slept with at least 2 people while he was supposedly smitten with me.

He had a track record of getting distracted (reading a book at a party, falling asleep at random as he gets bored, as he told me), behaving weirdly socially (going home without telling Robert), being unreliable, getting bored easily, can’t focus. The list goes on.

Timing wise, he doesn’t have a job, and is hoping to start a few businesses. That’s not good. Reminds me of Idriss. At the beginning he was all hopeful and excited. But the next year, he was beaten by entrepreneurship. He was mean to me. It’s a hard life until you’ve made it.

I think Sam wants me to mentor him in business.

Do I believe in him?

Not really.

I think he has good ideas, and he’s proven to be able to make money, but, does he have follow-through? Does he have focus? He is ENFP. That’s not a good sign for follow-throughs. Then again, ENTP doesn’t either. But, ENTP is supposedly very good at entrepreneurship. But then, Ty doesn’t want to.

Maybe Myers Briggs is largely BS.

Anyway. I’m in Burnaby now. Being away from Alex does help me calm down and feel happier. I feel that I’m back to where I began, crying in front of Goddess of Compassion some time after Jeffrey, begging to find my soul mate, or, someone to fill my lonely void.

That time when Alex broke up with me, I cried to the Goddess of Compassion that I wanted someone to fill that time before WifiTribe began. Well, the timing was  not what I expected. Alex came back and we lasted ’til two weeks after WifiTribe chapter was over. For better or for worse.

Sometimes it was miserable to have a bf while in the tribe, but it did give me the chance to get to know Sam, and wonder if he liked me.

I don’t know what’s happening next…but I know I’ll feel better and better!

Sam asked me what I wanted the future to hold. I said:

Future – explore, grow, go on adventures, laugh all the time, love, have amazing sex, make a positive difference, make great friends, connect deeply…and, hopefully, find someone to do all that with.

—

He wrote back and asked me some business question. To be honest I thought he’d be asking me to meet up with him somewhere in the world. But, I wouldn’t want to.

Do I want to help him in business? Not really either….

I only want to help people in biz if they can help me. Don’t like newbies.

Well, I’ll help him a bit. He did make me laugh.

I learned something today.

When someone is gone or no longer available to you, the feeling of love surges.

I didn’t feel it as strongly with Jeffrey, but I definitely felt it with Alex.

After coming back from South Africa, for nearly a week, I was thinking about Sam the whole time. I felt no love for Alex.

I was ashamed about my emotional love affair with Sam. I didn’t even fantasize about sex with him. I was in love with him.

When that had just about worn out, I started to feel something for Alex. But I found so many things about him boring and uninspiring and pathetic.

Not wanting to donate blood. Not really wanting to help people outside of work while claiming that he loves to help people.

Always complaining. About things, about people.

Always rejecting my ideas.

No follow through. Agreed to deadline and didn’t write the two articles.

Hate how we fight and him being very assuming. He always interprets what I say in a negative way.

Acting like he is positive while it’s more….indifference.

Saying that money is not important, but does not realize that most of his problems stem from not having money.

Gets stressed out so easily. Drained of energy. Gets tired easily. Needs so much sleep. Is super sensitive.

Hates Tony Robbins.

Has very “typical” perspectives about things.

Aways a victim.

Passive. Passive aggressive.

No fun.

We don’t share the same sense of humour.

We don’t like anything in common!

And yet, breaking up with him had been so soo soooo hard. So hard for both of us. I’ve been crying for 3 days now.

And I love him.

I love him now more than ever.

I want to mend his broken heart. I want to cuddle with him. I want to kiss him better. I want to make everything good again for him.

All of a sudden he is just flawless. He is just an angel.

Our breakup stemmed from me not getting sex. Now I don’t even get to touch him.

I miss touching him. I miss kissing him. I miss his smile. I miss smiling at him. I miss our first date.

I know I can’t be with him. But I wish I could. I wish we share the same dreams and can build an amazing world together.

Why isn’t he the one!?

Will I find my one? My soul mate? My true love?

Someone who make me laugh everyday and laughs at my jokes? Someone who inspires me. Someone who makes me a better person. I just love myself even more when I’m with him.

Someone who energizes me. Makes me think. Blows my mind sometimes.

Someone who is cheery, outgoing. full of surprises and wonder and joy.

Someone who is competent and can get the job done.

Someone who thrives in this world.

Someone who believes in love, loyalty, and honours them.

Looks like I have some new goals for myself. I can’t wait to meet my counterpart!

Bunny was so sad yesterday. He cried. I cried.

He says he has unconditional love for me, but I don’t have that for him.

He said some harsh things to me out of anger. I didn’t want us to be nasty. But I know he was hurt.

This morning he apologized and said maybe I was right, that he’ll find someone better for him. Somewhat cynical, but it’s an improvement. He was emotionless, then angry, and now more accepting of it.

Even on the worst day he still said have a nice day to me as he left for work. There are many things special and lovable about him.

I wish we were made for each other. That we are soul mates.  But but our conversations are boring. Our time together is ok, not amazing. We see things so differently and can never agree. We can’t get deeply connected.

I don’t know if I would’ve realized this if Sam didn’t come into my life. Norm and I didn’t have an amazing time. Our dates in the beginning were so unspectacular. I remember us sitting on park benches watching ducks. Nicolas never really had my heart. Jeffrey was super sweet but we can hardly communicate. He was a shallow and literal thinker. We didn’t even have much to say to each other. In contrast, Alex and I were pretty good. We can talk. We both liked talking. But, I didn’t really enjoy most of the conversations. I roll my eyes a lot when he talks about his bike shop that he does not work towards. I resented all the complaints about people where he is always the victim. And I didn’t care for the video games…that’s just me. I look up what he says and finds him wrong often. He doesn’t usually impress me even though he is supposed to be smart. He is not witty in front of my friends…. maybe a little bit more in the beginning of our dating….but he has been so drained for the most part.

I probably met him in the worst time of his adult life though.

Sigh. I know I should’t take him back, but how I want to just hold each other.

Everything I wanted to happen with Sam, pretty much had come true. So I hope what I want to happen with Alex can manifest too.

I want Alex to find a great roommate for April 1st. Maybe a nice girl that he can end up dating.

I want me and him to get along well and be nice to each other in our remaining time together. To be ok with hugging and eating together.

If it’s not asking too much, to be able to sleep in the same bed, and watch netflix together sometimes.

When we part ways, I hope we can wish each other well, sincerely.

I hope we’ll think fondly of each other.

It’s been really hard.

I’ve been crying many times a day.

I miss him.

But, I also know that I can’t be with him.

I don’t like that he is mean to me. Saying things out of anger. Like he’ll get rich and I won’t go anywhere. I will get rich too, and will travel and will meet my soul mate and we’ll travel together, happy, free, and passionately in love. And I want him to be rich and have his bike shop.

The true reason why we broke up, is that I don’t laugh most of the times I’m with him. I don’t feel inspired by him. And I roll my eyes a lot over things he says.

But I love the good times we’ve had! I love hugging him and kissing him. And making food together. I wish we can have some more of that.

But I also remembered wanting to get out of it. Feeling that I can’t be in a day longer. Feeling that he is such a lost cause. That he is dumb. That he is a dreamer who can’t get things done. That he justifies it. That he is the definition of a loser.

But even yesterday he made me laugh. And he did work on his bike jewelry. And I liked it when we discussed business around ocean plastics.

But I know I need to let go.

As I spend more time with Alex, my mind keeps on changing.

He is so loving. He is cute. He is loyal. He is grateful.

My mind about Sam changes too. I know he is not going to reply to my FB message anymore. It makes me sad, but I also wouldn’t know what to do if he replied.

I think about Sam but not as often now. One day I woke up thinking about how he might’ve played me, how he might’ve been messaging other women the same type of things….but I read what I wrote and looked at the timeline of things….I realized that, chances are, we have something special. His mind was on me a lot. The questions he asked me showed that I was on his mind.  Even after he’s spent time with other girls (such as his tinder date), it seems that he can’t help but get drawn to me again.

And in any case, it’s better for me to believe that I had his heart and mind.

At the same time, it doesn’t matter. Not right now.

Alex and I have a pretty amicable relationship right now. We cook together, we care about each other, we are sweet to each other.

He is easy to live with. He is grateful, always saying thank you. He is loving, always wanting and willing to please. Always carrying stuff for me, opening doors for me. He is reliable. I can count on him. He is clean. He does dishes while we cook. He does dishes when he wakes up. He insisted on doing dishes.

I really don’t have much negative to say about living with him.

But I can’t stay with him. For these reasons:

1. We don’t have intellectual conversations
2. We have very different sense of humour
3. He is uninspiring
4. He has no big goals and he does not actively pursue his goals; if I hold him accountable he rebels.
5. He gets stressed out too easily
6. His positivity seems fake and masked. He actually complains a lot.
7. He likes the dark stuff: dark news, dark movies
8. For the most part, he is not smart in a way that I can appreciate
9. He is shy and not very witty for the most part, especially around my friends and family.
10. He focuses on little things too much.

The main things are the first three things. These alone are deal breakers.

It was a miserable first week, somewhat.

My heart was still in South Africa with Sam. I did not feel in love with Alex.

But it’s been 1 week. I think Alex and I are getting better.

In the first couple days, I kept watching the video of Sam and I trying to fit into my suitcase. His laugh and my laugh – I loved them. I wanted to be with him, forever. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.

He wrote me. I waited 2 days before writing back. I said I hadn’t laughed and I missed him a lot.

He waited even more days to write me back. 3 or 4 days. He said, “I want to go back Tanya, I want to climb into suitcases and roll down stairs chasing shoes!”

He didn’t say he misses me, but I guess that’s one way of saying it. Like last time, I was at first very touched by what he wrote, then, when I thought about it more logically, I saw the ambiguity and wasn’t sure if he meant it the way I interpreted it.

Meanwhile, I was trying to lead a life with Alex.  I was disappointed in him for not taking action the whole time I was in South Africa. I thought of him as pathetic as he has had no financial foundation at his age; no savings, low current income, and no promising future income. Worse yet, he is hardly trying. I paid for half of February’s rent, so he can have peace and quiet to get work done, and he smoked and smoked weed instead.

He has his weird twitch which I wasn’t aware of before. Not sure what that is, but it worries me.

Most importantly, he doesn’t really make me laugh. He is boring in contrast to Sam.

And also very importantly, he doesn’t have a sex drive anymore. Sex is rare and didn’t come naturally.

He gets stressed out easily. He gets tired easily. Every food gives him gas or stomach ache.

Business wise, he shot down every idea I gave him. He didn’t seem smart enough to understand that I was giving him inspirations and concepts and metaphors; I wasn’t giving him exact solutions.

In terms of our connection, it is lacking too. We are not on the same page in any way.

But yesterday was better. In the morning, we had sex for the second time. He ate me out. I felt that he wasn’t as into it as in the past, but he tried. He even put on a mechanic apron to seduce me.

We made smoothies together. I worked on the couch and he researched for his articles. He didn’t write them….he promised to do them today…so we’ll see.

We cooked a chicken veggies rice dinner together. It was pretty yum.

We walked around the neighbourhood to buy some ice cream and fruits. It was nice. He looked cute. He had these light-coloured jeans that are low crotched, which remind me of Sam’s jeans. But Alex is more like a model and looks great in these clothes. He even had an Arc’Teryx jacket. He has nice clothes! I finally asked him how he has these nice clothes. He said they are hand-me-downs from Tarin. Lol.

Came back and Alex wanted me to play Fallout. I wanted to make out first. It was satisfying. We didn’t have sex, but he at me out and fingered me and sucked on my tits while I masturbated.

Then I tried to play Fallout. It was an impressive game. But I got motion sickness. I went to bed at around 10. I asked him to tuck me in. We chatted until 11pm. We discussed his business.

He shot down my ideas and was pessimistic. But one thing I like about him is that he will come around and tell me he appreciates me and he loves me.

Overall he is very loving. He tells me I’m gorgeous, he grabs my ass, he kisses often, he does most of the chores, he holds me and touches me.

The reason I chose him the first place was his ability to love in all 5 languages. Quality time, words, acts of service, touch, and gifts. Not as much for gifts but he did buy me some beautiful flowers.

I feel safe about his love being unwavering. That’s more than I can say about Sam.

I watched a TED talk this morning about how our brain has a way to synthesize happiness.  https://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy

It’s amazing how our brain will find a way to find happiness.

I know that Sam and I can’t be together (right now), and I find a way to stop banking on it.

I messaged him back after his message, but I didn’t expect him to write back. I don’t expect to have a relationship with him any time soon. Not anymore.

I’m more content and at peace with my current situation now.

But then, I really don’t think Alex and I are made for the long run, for the main reason: we don’t make each other laugh that much.

Current plan is to be with him, love him, and help him, until the lease is up. Then I want to move away. Maybe move around.

I want to find that guy who deeply loves me and vice versa. That guy who makes me laugh so hard and laughs at my jokes. That guy whom I can have so much fun with, share goals, inspire each other, rely on, and love deeply.

When I think about it, Sam is flakey, potentially full of psychological issues, focus issues, and health issues. And he is too young to be mature. Despite us having the same goals, inspiring each other, and having so much fun together. Not right now. One day perhaps.