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Felt a bit sad about Brian yesterday.

Just a few days ago, we had this amazing chat and I started having feelings for him again.

Then, while planning his upcoming event, I mentioned that we need to invite 50 to get 30, because Vancouvrites flake out.  And I mentioned for example he did that to me.

He did not like that. And reacted so strongly it was scary and made me feel very bad. Like, wtf. He was the one that didn’t show up to my party and didn’t say anything about it. He has no grounds to making me feel bad.

He said he already said sorry and I shouldn’t bring it up again, because that’s not what friends do.

It took so long to clear the air. I had to run away to Spikeball, which was super fun. So glad I went! Played with John, Suraj, and Evan.

Suddenly Ty came out of no where and was running towards me! I was like, “Whoa, it’s like time travelling!” Cuz he was in his 70s shirt lol

He gave me a hug and picked me up. He’s never done that before.

Turned out they were having a divorce party for Kay.

Ty joined us for a game of Spikeball. He learned quickly and had fun.

There was a super cute and soft doodle at the game. I had so much fun playing the game and petting the dog!

Spikeball is even more fun than volleyball.

I joined Ty and his friends after. Kay is having lots of fun dating! Her dog Mochi was there. He was somewhat cute too. A Boston terrier.

Talked to Aida a bit too. She really isn’t funny. She laughed at my jokes though.

Then at the same time, Cyndi has been really sad because Ty just hasn’t been treating her like a friend. He reached out to her recently to ask for money. Damn. He is so terrible..why is that?

It’s a totally different side of him… unless it’s not intentional…just cruelness via un-attentiveness.

He loved her so much when they were dating…how did it go so far south?!

I’m very weary of guys and dating now.

Look at Brian. I thought at least he was sweet. But he just showed a super ugly side to me.

I don’t want to get closer to him anymore. Glad I didn’t make out with him.

I wish he was different. I thought he was at least a friend I can get close to, but now I feel like he is not someone I want to be close friends with. It’s like losing him again….

Part of me am so surprised and frustrated that I can’t get him. “Get him” as in making him fall for me. He is immune to me, maybe. Maybe he just doesn’t show it in a way that I understand, but, that’s effectively like not showing it. I’m not gonna try to put myself in his shoes and imagine that he likes me. I did that, and it made me fall for him. It made me think that he is capable of loving me, adoring me, being affectionate and loving and gentle. But he is cold, passive, indifferent, biz-first, angry, pessimistic, negative.

The upside is that it’s not hard to keep a distance from him. Basically I just have to stop reaching out and he’ll stop. I think he’ll only reach out when he wants to throw an event. He’ll never want to spend one on one time with me. And, I don’t want that now either. Even the thought of hugging him kinda grosses me out now.

I had asked him if he is inviting anyone I know. He didn’t point out Selene and other ECFers, so I felt special. But turned out he did invite her and she is coming. I think I assumed that he invite just me and 20 something people I didn’t know. And I thought that he invited Matt for me to persuade me to go. But turned out he just individually invited people, and I’m simply one of them.

I mean, yeah he asked for my availability, but he probably asked Selene and a bunch of others at the same time.

There was never a future between us anyway. But I think ever since I got upset at him about not being a friend, there’s even less hope.

One new lesson I learned is that, being confrontational and critical are very unattractive traits. I’ll never spell out the errors of someone’s ways again. I’ll just choose to keep them or maintain a healthy distance from them or have nothing to do with them at all.

Brian is not someone I can confide in. He doesn’t actually get me. Nor does he have a desire to.

Today I had coffee with Alexa and Karla. I like them!

An intimate get-together is what I prefer, over a party. Alexa thought so too.

Karla turned out to be 46. She has an 11yo and is a single mom. She comes to Vancouver every other week to stay a week here.

Alexa is pretty transparent too. Telling us that she was engaged 6 months ago and that’s now cancelled.

Played volleyball today. Was pretty fun. But not as fun as spikeball.

Got 2 cars now. Max, and Mom’s older Lexus. Mom decided to sell Max to Dan for cheap, cuz she wanted to continue to see Max. Fair.

I bought Mom her new Lexus! Well, it’s a lease for about $1K a month. I’m adulting lol.

Oh another good news is that Paulina and Kateryna are confirmed! Ebony decided to go with contract. That’s fine.

Oh and I mailed Cyndi Mom’s iPhone 6. Cyndi’s phone stopped working.

She is going through the sadness about Ty.

I’m going through the sadness about Brian.

The world’s mood right now seems to be irritable people. I was even kind of irritable to Mom this trip back.

Mom was good to me though. I got to pick figs of our trees! That was amazing! So fun to discover ripe figs too!

Yesterday morning I messaged Brian about the newcomer grant. He said nothing. I felt a bit sad.

This morning he replied, and we had a fun chat.

Yes I know he is not the one for me, but I really enjoy chatting with him like this. Well, even better if he laughs at my jokes.

Though looking back, I think I’m too nice when I talk to him. Kinda like when Mark or Chris or Allen talks to me. Thirsty energy. Though, I think I’m just being nice. I’m pretty nice and responsive towards Mark. He is funnest of the three.

But Mark lately seems a bit thirstay. He told me about his 3-some experience, and I think he was trying to turn me on. Didn’t work though. I’m just not attracted to him. He is married, and he has a bit of a belly. And his face just isn’t my type.

I want someone who is more complimentary, more encouraging, more thoughtful, more caring, and more upbeat than Brian.

I try to not get sucked into being infatuated with him again.

Yesterday John invited me over for dinner, and cooked a super yummy steak and potatoes and tomatoes dinner. And we watched a cute panda documentary. And we napped together for a bit, his arms around me. It was nice.

Oh and while I was waiting for him to cook, I made a balloon flower for him lol. There was a psoas exercise that called for a balloon for I brought some.

Then he wanted to watch celebrity wheel of fortune together, I said no. Then we got up and he started watching it, so I got ready to leave. He started showing me stretch moves….while he watched the show. It’s like, he wanted me to stay long, but he also wanted to watch the show.

Overall it was a pleasant time though. I rode my e scooter back, in the rain. He called me the next day and said it was fun and I looked nice.

Oh and I was pretty handsy with him. I craved the touch. And we pecked on the lips when I left. But I still thought about Brian more.

I like having sex with Alex, chatting with Brian, and…looking at John lol. John is the oldest but he has the nicest face, body, proportions.

Barbie movie was quite good! I cried a few times. Ayumi and Nicole didn’t lol. But we had fun. We haven’t hung out together in a long time!

After the movie, we had a mandatory photoshoot, of course! We were all wearing pink after all!

Nicole is 22, Ayumi is 26 or 27, and me almost as old as the two of them combined lol. Well, 43. Potentially same age as Nicole’s mom.

But I was dressed the sexiest haha. I wore my pink yarn dress with cherries on top. And Nicole would say everyone was checking me out.

When I looked at the photos, I look a bit older than them, but passable in some photos. The tension in my neck is the biggest giveaway right now.

We saw the 11:50am showing, so it was only 2pm. We got some truck food and ate on a bench by the Robson Square. It was fun.

I said I had to go back to work. They continued hanging out the rest of the day, including a volleyball game with the volleyball fam.

I went home and planned on working, but didn’t do much. Took a long nap, watched some TV, and did a little bit of work. But it was fine. It was recharge.

Today is Saturday. I rode my e-scooter to Kit beach, and played volleyball from 5:30pm to 9pm…that’s like 4.5 hours! It was so fun, and Matilde taught me how to serve overhand so much better! Ran into Phil too! His group is so good!

There was Doug, Reza, Renata, Matilde, and I. And Dips for a bit, and Allen after. Krish came for a bit but left before we began.

Doug was quite funny today. He said Krish left ’cause his gf needed an orgasm. We joked about “coming together” and Krish came early so he left.

3 on 3 was the funnest. And the players are the strongest of the group, so it was extra fun.

At 8:30 or so, the sky was the fire-y orange pink! It was SO beautiful.

What a fun day!

I’m so blessed to be the consciousness that gets to enjoy this moment.

I noticed that Doug is quite funny, and just very self-less and kind. He is a great leader.

Renata is very thoughtful and kind. Trying to help, always. Kinda like Milo. I’m glad they end up together.

Reza is also very kind.

Matilde is only 21! She’s been playing for 7 years, but not the past 3 years. She taught me to put the elbow forward more, and swing my for-arm when serving overhand. That totally helped! I’m so stoked.

Dips is pretty chill and funny as usual. Not as thoughtful but still a good friend.

Allen is current least fave. He is very self-centred. Sometimes he is funny though. Everyone tolerates him haha.

I was a bit tired during the day

Ideas to 10x:

1. Really focus on TikTok, Reels, and Youtube Shorts
2. Really focus on scaling on Amazon – Have Udoo do engraved SCF, CF (maybe with gold inlay), lower priced Bevel
3. Really focus on wholesale? Hire a sales person to talk to Hospitals etc
4. Really focus on collaborations with influencers? Study how Ridge did/does that
5. Set up shop in China, ship directly from China? Just handle the returns in North America
6. Sell metal rings like Ridge does

Homework:

1. Study the ads and the marketing of successful companies with similar audience

What are our 10x competitors doing?

1. ThunderFit – growing on Amazon, ship from China. Expanding on Etsy.
2. Enso – Disney
3. Groove Life – Same old, partnering with artists
4. Qalo – dying

What is Ridge doing?

1. Selling more different types of products
2. Has a marketing engine

Some products just make sense on some platforms.

1. Mini Katana makes sense on TikTok. It’s fun, silly product, perfect for that platform
2. Same with the putty product
3. Beauty products can work too, like those breast pads

Can we make TikTok work for our silicone rings?

1. It touches on fitness and beauty so, Reels, Youtube shorts would work even if TT doesn’t
2. We can make it fun too

What makes me unhappy or stressed?

1. Learning about someone more successful than me. It’s ok if they are older, or they took a longer to get there, or they have something I don’t envy them for. But if they are young, and accelerating fast, I feel bad about myself.
2. I think I’d do the same if I were with someone. If I discover someone cuter, smarter, more successful, I might feel bad about being with the person I’m with.
3. There’s that mentality of wanting to have the best, always.
4. I think that’s also why I’m very sad about aging. I want to be in the best years of my life, always.
5. As a kid, playing card games, I always loved it when I had a particular card that was the best card. The card that guarantees winning the round. I felt so happy when I played that card.
6. I also enjoyed being the best at most things. Prettiest, smartest.
7. When Elena had to donate her kidney to her daughter, I felt bad for her. That change in her body – that to me would bring me down a lot and for a long time.
8. Like with hair. It took me a long time to become ok with not having hair. And even though I felt AMAZING when I overcame it, and rode that feeling for years, these days I feel like I have reverted to my less enlightened and inspiring self. I don’t show my bald, I don’t want to. I want to grow my hair. I want to fit in.
9. It’s inspiring when people proudly rock their old age, their flaws, and their abnormalities. But I never wished to be them.
10. I’m always secretly comparing myself to someone. Do I have a prettier face or do they? Do I have a nicer body or do they? And I go through this mental gymnastic of trying to find aspects of myself that are better so I can feel better. For example, seeing photos of me and volleyball fam, I didn’t like how my face was shaped in the photos, and my small eyes. I didn’t like that Nicole looked better than me. I had to tell myself, well, my teeth are better, my tits are bigger, and my shoulders are nicer.
11. When I find out that someone is selling more than me, I’d think to myself, well, his profit is less, they are a couple so they have to split the profit so I’m still making more. And if I can’t find anything that can make me feel less bad, then, I feel inferior, and sometimes resentful.
12. Right now, we are growing. We are seeing our best month on Shopify and on Amazon. A lot of business are not growing, even shrinking. Yet, I feel bad that we are not doubling. Partly because that’s the goal I set for myself, and partly because I know other people are doubling. e.g. Jackson. When I found out about it, I felt sad and stressed.
13. In reality, last year, 2022, Knot Theory’s revenue was $1.5M CAD. First of all, it’s over $1M, so that’s amazing! Second, that means it’s $1.1M USD. And, the past 30 days, we did $171.2K USD, which is $2.054M USD run rate!
14. This means, if I keep this up for the next 12 months, we’ll have done at least $2.2M in sales (cuz Xmas and VDay), and that’s 200% GROWTH!
15. John always likes to remind me too, that I have 6 figure dividends. Last year I got about $150K in dividends. It’s all put back in, for compounding effects, but the fact is, I really don’t have to worry about money ever again in my life. And John is someone who is consistently there for me, at least, by phone and by stock management. (Physically not so much.) So I can rely on him to keep doing what he does. Well he gets paid very well for it.
16. In pretty much every way, I have a SUPER BLESSED LIFE. Seriously. I’m so lucky. And I AM grateful. I feel like I can be more grateful haha.
17. Mom is amazing, and is my rock. She is healthy and happy too. I know it won’t last forever, so I better enjoy this time.
18. My body and health are pretty good. My beauty is still holding. My youthful energy and charisma is still working. Enjoy this time.
19. I have friends that care about me. Cyndi, Nicole, Ty, John. Maybe Brian and Ronnie.
20. Volley ball fam falling apart a bit, but we still like each other.
21. Alex wants me back.
22. My back is healed and I can play spikeball and volleyball again!
23. My action coach Nick is great.
24. My RMT Rob Parry is great.

Prescription to self:

1. I think there’s beauty in helping others and contributing to the world. I will focus more on that.
2. Gratitude is a muscle. Practice it!
3. Finding something likeable about someone is also a muscle! Strength it!
4. Enjoy life! Joy attracts joy.
5. Remember, it’s a form of freedom when you free yourself from jealousy, expectations, comparisons, hate, annoyance, resistance, ego.
6. Remember, there are many versions of me within myself. It’s a matter of strengthening the version that is most compassionate, graceful, wise, joyful, happy.
7. More compassion to self and others
8. Remember that, we are all here for a good time, not a long time. Everyone ages, everyone dies. No one is always pretty. No one is always successful. No one is #1 in every way.

I’d say it’s been a rough time since May 30, when my back had a spasm.

I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I’m very lucky and my woes are top 1% problems, which is even more privileged than the 1st world problems haha

I’d say it took 4.5 weeks to finally be mostly healed. Now at 6 weeks in, I’m about 99% there. Still haven’t gone back to spikeball or volleyball. Maybe next week.

Just as my back was getting better, I got a cold. Pretty sure it was from stress. I was committing to a lot to my Commit Action coach, and fires kept springing up, and sales were dropping on all channels. Was very painful times. I cried on the phone with Nick, my coach.

Now about 10 days into my cold. Last night was coughing so hard I couldn’t sleep, but tonight I’m ok!

Another good thing is that sales are up on Shopify. It seems that hiring the Google ads contractor Daniel is a good idea!

Today is Prime Day, and I sent out launch email for our newest collection, Royal Gardens. We did about $5800 on Amazon, $2236 on Shopify, and $565 on Etsy.

That’s what it feels like to do $3Million a year! If it was like this everyday 🙂

I invited Ty, Wil, Aida, Anna, and Wilson over for dinner last night. I served what Nancy and Mom’s other friends have made.

It was stressful to host a party….haven’t done that in a while. But it went well! It was only so so good time but it was something.

I miss Brian so much.

I know I idealize how great he is, how much he understands me, and how cute he is. I’ve forgotten how he is very cold, non-responsive, and that it took years to finally find him attractive.

But there’s no one else.

I wish there was.

I know that Brian won’t ever message me again. And that makes me sad when I think about it.

I got a few likes on Hinge. 2 of them were cute. One is in an open relationship. The other, well, I think he had some potential but he didn’t say much on his profile. Maybe I should’ve replied to him. He was 6’4 and Christian and didn’t specify his profession though.

What I want is someone from ECF, is decently rich ($1M+ in net worth), is funny and finds me funny, is somewhat cute, has good EQ, reasonably social, adores me, likes touching me, we have great sexual chemistry and conversational chemistry, has a positive outlook on life, is monogamous, and that we bring out great qualities in each other.

Remember, I can manifest!

I must keep trying.

I’m starting to think that I’m happier single though. I’d love to have some sexy flings with passerbys. The idea of being with someone for years is very daunting. I look back on the relationships I’ve had. I don’t like any of them. Flings were fun though.

1. Two weeks of lower spine pain – very humbling experience. Thinking about aging, self-reliance, happiness that comes from health and mobility and sports, sadness that comes from the pain, activity limitation, and physically unable to reach 100%.
2. Still missing Brian, but know that I gotta pull through and get over him
3. Amazon hit all time high in sales! $4589USD on Jun 10, 2023!!
4. Shopify doing well too. Hit $1.7K 3 times this week!!
5. Etsy is not doing well.
6. No spikeball nor volleyball – feeling very lonely and inactive at times
7. Sitting for a while hurts, standing for a while hurts. Walking for a while hurts. Bending over – nope, can’t. Getting out of bed, hurts. Today is better though (12th day)
8. Used Magic Wand as a massager the past couple of days. Though, also got some REALLY good orgasms the past couple of days
9. Eating poke makes me happy (salmon in general makes me happy). Contentment is the word. Steaks and clams seem to make me horny (very nutritious). Ox tail is such a tasty treat too. I’m very lucky to be able to enjoy these foods without worrying about money.
10. I don’t like it when people on Hinge talk about food though. Feels like there are more important things in life (when it comes to relationships) to talk about than food. Personalities, deal makers, deal breakers
11. Dating people my age in my 40s is like trying to adopt a senior cat instead of a kitten. It’s really hard to find a handsome, healthy one with good energy.
12. Trying out Transcendental Meditation. So far I just make the Om sound as I walk around (silently or out loud). It seems to do something.
13. Tried the Jasmin ice cream and Oreo ice cream sandwich from Mister. Omg. I haven’t been touched by ice cream in a long time.
14. Had an amazing afternoon nap (preceded by an amazing orgasm) this afternoon. Woke up to the warm sunshine beaming onto my ass. It felt good. Enjoyed these small pleasures in life, especially today!
15. Walked in the sun for hours (3 hours perhaps) today. I wore my super old (and still beloved) denim mini skirt, and let my mid drift show, because I wanted to tan the lower part of my belly. I had a clear tan line through my belly button that I wanted to even out lol. Figure still good these days despite 2 weeks without sports. Still have a bit of 11 muscles. Faint though.
16. Saw an email from Sean Frank saying that he is now doing 7 figure months with their rings. A little deflating. But I gotta remember that he has this media powerhouse behind his brand. One day I’ll get there too. Wished I had Brian to talk to.
17. Briefly talked to Jackson about the CanExport grant. He is doubling again this year (from $3M last year). That makes me jelly. He said they are spending more on ads. That inspired me to spend more on ads.
18. Decided to spend $120K more on ads for the rest of this year. The hope is to reach $2.5M revenue with this spend increase.
19. Going to start Stack Influence soon. Hope it works out well.
20. Started Commit Action on June 1st. Nick is pretty good. I did get more done the past week (Week 1). So far so good!
21. Bryce is doing great. Alyssa too. Nicole not so much but she is a loyal friend.
22. VAs doing well too. Dale better after the raise to $7USD/h. Yana now at $5USD/h. Faroo at $3USD/h.
23. Gotta appreciate the good when it’s good. Too often we appreciate the good times when it’s not good anymore.
24. I don’t like aging. I don’t like that health is harder to come by. I’m, frankly, scared. I look around and my friends in their 40s are all going downhill in various ways. Health, intelligence, energy. I’m one of the few that is still doing well, but the spine muscle spasm hit me totally by surprise! I realize that, we have peaked, in many ways. I mean, if I try very hard, I can maintain at peak-ish level for a while yet. 10, 20 years maybe. Youth-wise, it’s hard to accept being an old member of the society instead of the young and relevant members. I guess there’s a bunch of us – gen x, xennials, and millenials,  all aging together. We are never alone.
25. I feel lonely though. The volleyball fam is no longer. We haven’t met up in a long time. Our bond was weaker than I thought.
26. How I wish to just go for a long walk with Brian or just cuddle with him to watch a movie together (and talk about it). I know I’m romanticizing how fun it’ll be to spend time with him…but pretty sure he’s the best option I’ve got. Ty used to be really fun to hang with. Of course he is still very funny, and smart, but we seem to have less in common these days. He asked to hang out twice in the past week. That hasn’t happened in a long time, so that was nice (though I wondered why). It was fun, but it wasn’t as fun as it used to be. He is really into Burning Man and I’m not. He is focused on making his Popcorn stand these days, and I’m not into it.
27. My electric scooter is pretty awesome. Too bad there’s no spikeball to go to…I should use it more to do other things with though! Maybe visit friends or go further out, such as to the West End.
28. Cyndi bought a house! So happy for her. We are closer these days, voice messaging each other quite often, more than we message anyone else. Sometimes I feel that she still doesn’t get me though. Like, no one gets me. No one ever. I feel like I understand her a bit more than she understands me though.
29. I learned that to really turn myself on, I imagine Brian telling me how into me he is, and being very physically proactive and horny with me. Like, pinning me agains the wall at ECF Live and just pound me hard, while telling me how I’m so amazing, beautiful, and sexy. I know that IRL he will never do it…sigh…it’ll just be my fantasy. Funny how I didn’t even find him attractive at first, and now he is the cutest guy and the guy I want to make out with the most. But, I don’t think he’ll reach out to me any time soon, or ever. It’s sad. I have to stay strong. I won’t dwell on it. I’ll focus on growing Knot Theory.
30. I really need to think outside the box with Knot Theory. Our process, our marketing. I will. I will ask more “right” questions to get my brain churning.
31. I feel more motivated and got more done since Commit Action. That’s good! This weekend, I was lonely and wished to have a good friend to talk and walk with, but at the same time felt fine that I got more work done, including clearing my mailbox down to 38 emails (from the consistent ~150 for the past few months)! Also wrote down all the action items below on the whiteboard.
32. I also have been watching Avatar the Last Airbender. I just LOVE this show. I can’t wait for the live action series to come out! I think it’s almost impossible to outdo the animated series though.
33. My wish: have a best friend who gets me, loves me, and lives here. And that we are super attracted to each other and that we can date, make out passionately, make love, laugh, play, have fun, build e-commerce businesses, inspire each other, and motivate each other.

This weekend:

1. Design summer rings to launch
2. Get a sense of which rings we should promote via influencers (have qty for)
3. Get a count of Fred’s SCR pre-engraved, SCF pre-engraved sales velocity, so we know how many to order from Fred (maybe new designs too, such as skulls)

Summer rings:

1. Green leaves (monsterra)
2. Filigree –  make prettier with help of Joy
   1. https://all-free-download.com/free-vector/download/beautiful_floral_seamless_borders_vector_set_578489.html
3. Lace – great for wedding
4. Polynesian tribal tattoos – turtle, waves, sun / tiki face, shark teeth, spearheads

Period just started this morning.

Felt headache yesterday, and left ear was muffled when I woke up yesterday and today. Also feeling horny last night and a bit sad, missing Alex.

It’s been so long now yet I still miss him.

I posted a boring story of the empty Willows Beach yesterday.

IG Story is the only place where I have some form of connection with him now. I can see that he saw my story. And I miss him.

I don’t look at his stories because it’s painful. I don’t want to see him get a new girlfriend. I don’t want to see him enjoying life.

I want to hear from him. I want him to message me to tell me that he misses me.

But then what?

I know he misses me. He always views my stories.

I guess that will have to be enough.

I can’t help but think that we are meant to be more, even though he wants kids and I don’t.