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I’d say it’s been a rough time since May 30, when my back had a spasm.

I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I’m very lucky and my woes are top 1% problems, which is even more privileged than the 1st world problems haha

I’d say it took 4.5 weeks to finally be mostly healed. Now at 6 weeks in, I’m about 99% there. Still haven’t gone back to spikeball or volleyball. Maybe next week.

Just as my back was getting better, I got a cold. Pretty sure it was from stress. I was committing to a lot to my Commit Action coach, and fires kept springing up, and sales were dropping on all channels. Was very painful times. I cried on the phone with Nick, my coach.

Now about 10 days into my cold. Last night was coughing so hard I couldn’t sleep, but tonight I’m ok!

Another good thing is that sales are up on Shopify. It seems that hiring the Google ads contractor Daniel is a good idea!

Today is Prime Day, and I sent out launch email for our newest collection, Royal Gardens. We did about $5800 on Amazon, $2236 on Shopify, and $565 on Etsy.

That’s what it feels like to do $3Million a year! If it was like this everyday 🙂

I invited Ty, Wil, Aida, Anna, and Wilson over for dinner last night. I served what Nancy and Mom’s other friends have made.

It was stressful to host a party….haven’t done that in a while. But it went well! It was only so so good time but it was something.

I miss Brian so much.

I know I idealize how great he is, how much he understands me, and how cute he is. I’ve forgotten how he is very cold, non-responsive, and that it took years to finally find him attractive.

But there’s no one else.

I wish there was.

I know that Brian won’t ever message me again. And that makes me sad when I think about it.

I got a few likes on Hinge. 2 of them were cute. One is in an open relationship. The other, well, I think he had some potential but he didn’t say much on his profile. Maybe I should’ve replied to him. He was 6’4 and Christian and didn’t specify his profession though.

What I want is someone from ECF, is decently rich ($1M+ in net worth), is funny and finds me funny, is somewhat cute, has good EQ, reasonably social, adores me, likes touching me, we have great sexual chemistry and conversational chemistry, has a positive outlook on life, is monogamous, and that we bring out great qualities in each other.

Remember, I can manifest!

I must keep trying.

I’m starting to think that I’m happier single though. I’d love to have some sexy flings with passerbys. The idea of being with someone for years is very daunting. I look back on the relationships I’ve had. I don’t like any of them. Flings were fun though.

1. Two weeks of lower spine pain – very humbling experience. Thinking about aging, self-reliance, happiness that comes from health and mobility and sports, sadness that comes from the pain, activity limitation, and physically unable to reach 100%.
2. Still missing Brian, but know that I gotta pull through and get over him
3. Amazon hit all time high in sales! $4589USD on Jun 10, 2023!!
4. Shopify doing well too. Hit $1.7K 3 times this week!!
5. Etsy is not doing well.
6. No spikeball nor volleyball – feeling very lonely and inactive at times
7. Sitting for a while hurts, standing for a while hurts. Walking for a while hurts. Bending over – nope, can’t. Getting out of bed, hurts. Today is better though (12th day)
8. Used Magic Wand as a massager the past couple of days. Though, also got some REALLY good orgasms the past couple of days
9. Eating poke makes me happy (salmon in general makes me happy). Contentment is the word. Steaks and clams seem to make me horny (very nutritious). Ox tail is such a tasty treat too. I’m very lucky to be able to enjoy these foods without worrying about money.
10. I don’t like it when people on Hinge talk about food though. Feels like there are more important things in life (when it comes to relationships) to talk about than food. Personalities, deal makers, deal breakers
11. Dating people my age in my 40s is like trying to adopt a senior cat instead of a kitten. It’s really hard to find a handsome, healthy one with good energy.
12. Trying out Transcendental Meditation. So far I just make the Om sound as I walk around (silently or out loud). It seems to do something.
13. Tried the Jasmin ice cream and Oreo ice cream sandwich from Mister. Omg. I haven’t been touched by ice cream in a long time.
14. Had an amazing afternoon nap (preceded by an amazing orgasm) this afternoon. Woke up to the warm sunshine beaming onto my ass. It felt good. Enjoyed these small pleasures in life, especially today!
15. Walked in the sun for hours (3 hours perhaps) today. I wore my super old (and still beloved) denim mini skirt, and let my mid drift show, because I wanted to tan the lower part of my belly. I had a clear tan line through my belly button that I wanted to even out lol. Figure still good these days despite 2 weeks without sports. Still have a bit of 11 muscles. Faint though.
16. Saw an email from Sean Frank saying that he is now doing 7 figure months with their rings. A little deflating. But I gotta remember that he has this media powerhouse behind his brand. One day I’ll get there too. Wished I had Brian to talk to.
17. Briefly talked to Jackson about the CanExport grant. He is doubling again this year (from $3M last year). That makes me jelly. He said they are spending more on ads. That inspired me to spend more on ads.
18. Decided to spend $120K more on ads for the rest of this year. The hope is to reach $2.5M revenue with this spend increase.
19. Going to start Stack Influence soon. Hope it works out well.
20. Started Commit Action on June 1st. Nick is pretty good. I did get more done the past week (Week 1). So far so good!
21. Bryce is doing great. Alyssa too. Nicole not so much but she is a loyal friend.
22. VAs doing well too. Dale better after the raise to $7USD/h. Yana now at $5USD/h. Faroo at $3USD/h.
23. Gotta appreciate the good when it’s good. Too often we appreciate the good times when it’s not good anymore.
24. I don’t like aging. I don’t like that health is harder to come by. I’m, frankly, scared. I look around and my friends in their 40s are all going downhill in various ways. Health, intelligence, energy. I’m one of the few that is still doing well, but the spine muscle spasm hit me totally by surprise! I realize that, we have peaked, in many ways. I mean, if I try very hard, I can maintain at peak-ish level for a while yet. 10, 20 years maybe. Youth-wise, it’s hard to accept being an old member of the society instead of the young and relevant members. I guess there’s a bunch of us – gen x, xennials, and millenials,  all aging together. We are never alone.
25. I feel lonely though. The volleyball fam is no longer. We haven’t met up in a long time. Our bond was weaker than I thought.
26. How I wish to just go for a long walk with Brian or just cuddle with him to watch a movie together (and talk about it). I know I’m romanticizing how fun it’ll be to spend time with him…but pretty sure he’s the best option I’ve got. Ty used to be really fun to hang with. Of course he is still very funny, and smart, but we seem to have less in common these days. He asked to hang out twice in the past week. That hasn’t happened in a long time, so that was nice (though I wondered why). It was fun, but it wasn’t as fun as it used to be. He is really into Burning Man and I’m not. He is focused on making his Popcorn stand these days, and I’m not into it.
27. My electric scooter is pretty awesome. Too bad there’s no spikeball to go to…I should use it more to do other things with though! Maybe visit friends or go further out, such as to the West End.
28. Cyndi bought a house! So happy for her. We are closer these days, voice messaging each other quite often, more than we message anyone else. Sometimes I feel that she still doesn’t get me though. Like, no one gets me. No one ever. I feel like I understand her a bit more than she understands me though.
29. I learned that to really turn myself on, I imagine Brian telling me how into me he is, and being very physically proactive and horny with me. Like, pinning me agains the wall at ECF Live and just pound me hard, while telling me how I’m so amazing, beautiful, and sexy. I know that IRL he will never do it…sigh…it’ll just be my fantasy. Funny how I didn’t even find him attractive at first, and now he is the cutest guy and the guy I want to make out with the most. But, I don’t think he’ll reach out to me any time soon, or ever. It’s sad. I have to stay strong. I won’t dwell on it. I’ll focus on growing Knot Theory.
30. I really need to think outside the box with Knot Theory. Our process, our marketing. I will. I will ask more “right” questions to get my brain churning.
31. I feel more motivated and got more done since Commit Action. That’s good! This weekend, I was lonely and wished to have a good friend to talk and walk with, but at the same time felt fine that I got more work done, including clearing my mailbox down to 38 emails (from the consistent ~150 for the past few months)! Also wrote down all the action items below on the whiteboard.
32. I also have been watching Avatar the Last Airbender. I just LOVE this show. I can’t wait for the live action series to come out! I think it’s almost impossible to outdo the animated series though.
33. My wish: have a best friend who gets me, loves me, and lives here. And that we are super attracted to each other and that we can date, make out passionately, make love, laugh, play, have fun, build e-commerce businesses, inspire each other, and motivate each other.

This weekend:

1. Design summer rings to launch
2. Get a sense of which rings we should promote via influencers (have qty for)
3. Get a count of Fred’s SCR pre-engraved, SCF pre-engraved sales velocity, so we know how many to order from Fred (maybe new designs too, such as skulls)

Summer rings:

1. Green leaves (monsterra)
2. Filigree –  make prettier with help of Joy
   1. https://all-free-download.com/free-vector/download/beautiful_floral_seamless_borders_vector_set_578489.html
3. Lace – great for wedding
4. Polynesian tribal tattoos – turtle, waves, sun / tiki face, shark teeth, spearheads

Period just started this morning.

Felt headache yesterday, and left ear was muffled when I woke up yesterday and today. Also feeling horny last night and a bit sad, missing Alex.

It’s been so long now yet I still miss him.

I posted a boring story of the empty Willows Beach yesterday.

IG Story is the only place where I have some form of connection with him now. I can see that he saw my story. And I miss him.

I don’t look at his stories because it’s painful. I don’t want to see him get a new girlfriend. I don’t want to see him enjoying life.

I want to hear from him. I want him to message me to tell me that he misses me.

But then what?

I know he misses me. He always views my stories.

I guess that will have to be enough.

I can’t help but think that we are meant to be more, even though he wants kids and I don’t.

Creating meaning involves bringing order to the contents of the mind by integrating one’s actions into a unified flow experience.

What is meaning?

1. Pointing towards the end, goal, purpose, significance of something. Events are linked
2. Person’s intentions. She means well. Purpose revealed in action.
3. The identity of different words, the relationship between events. Thus it helps to clarify, establish order among unrelated or conflicting info.

Cultivating Purpose

Sorokin divided civilizations into 3 categories: sensate, ideational, and idealistic

1. Sensate – views reality designed to satisfy our senses. Epicurean, utilitarian, concerned primarily with concrete needs.
2. Ideational – looks down on tangible, strive for non-material supernatural ends. Religion, art, philosophy, Nazi interlude, communist regimes in China, Islamic revival in Iran.
3. Idealistic – combination of acceptance of concrete sensory experience with a reverence for spiritual ends. late Middle Ages and Renaissance.

Mihaly proposes that perhaps what matters most is not whether a person is materialistic or ideational, but how differentiated and integrated are the goals one pursues in these areas. A well thought out sensate life may be better than a non-reflective ideational life, and vice versa.

Emergence of meaning along the gradient of complexity of life:

Step 1. Self preservation

Step 2. Family and community

Step 3. Reflective individualism. Desire for growth, improvement, actualization of potential. Rebels against conforming blindly

Step 4. Turning away from the self again, back toward an integration with the other people and with universal values. Willingly merges one’s interest with those of a larger whole.  A cause, an idea, a transcendental entity.

Not everyone goes through all 4 phases. Can happen if one is lucky and succeeds in controlling consciousness.

Forging Resolve 

(The ability to act on the purpose/goal we set)

Goals justify the effort they demand at the outset, but later it is the effort that justifies the goal. e.g. One gets married because the spouse seems worth of sharing one’s life with. The partnership will only hold its value if one then behave as if this is true.

People have made their lives more meaningful devoting to their art, country, religion, children. If done consistently, life becomes an extended episode of flow: a focused, concentrated, internally coherent, logically ordered set of experiences, which, because of its inner order, was felt to be meaningful and enjoyable.

As a culture’s complexity evolves, it becomes more difficult to achieve total resolve. Which goals deserve our dedication? Too many option, tons of freedom.

Freedom does not necessarily help develop meaning in life – on the contrary. If the rules of a game becomes too flexible, concentration flags, and it is more difficult to attain a flow experience. Commitment to a goal and to the rules it entails is much easier when the choices are few and clear.

How do we have freedom AND resolve?

Know thyself through action and reflection.

Do lots, reflect lots by asking questions such as “Is this something I really want to do and enjoy doing?” Know your “why”.

If we develop the habit of frequent reflection (Jesuits’ test of conscience – reviews at least once a day if your actions in the past hours have been consistent with your long term goals)

RECOVERING HARMONY

Flow is a natural part of living, as seen in animals, simple societies, and children (before self consciousness begins to interfere). Desires are simple, choices are clear.

UNIFY MEANING VIA LIFE THEMES

Life theme, or project, is the goal-directed actions that provide shape and meaning to one’s life.

Accepted Life Theme – what we think ought to be done, because they are what everyone else is doing. Following a predetermined role in a script written long ago by others (Inauthentic)

Discovered Life Theme – we write our own script for our actions out of personal experience and awareness of choice (Authentic)

One strategy shared by many who have built meaning into their lives: extract from the order achieved by past generations patterns that will help avoid disorder in one’s own mind.

Learn from other people who have achieved flow, meaningful lives. No need to reinvent the wheel here.

Complexity consists of integrations and differentiation. We have learned how to be individualistic. We must now learn how to reunite ourselves with other entities around us without losing individuality.

The future problem of meaning will be resolved as the individual’s purpose merges with the universal flow.

Brian asked today if any of us ever considered making $100M a year in revenue.

Ronnie says it’s doable if you are focused and have a great team.

Billy doesn’t think it’s possible.

Skye thinks it seems like a lot and wondered if it’s worth persuing.

I think it’s definitely doable but we have to be clear on the Why.

In this discussion I came to realize that, the pursuit of success for me is just mainly being able to:

1. Make friends with smart and interesting people doing interesting things
2. Live free

I’m finally healed after 2 weeks of being sick!

It’s good to be alive again.

But on Tuesday after going into the office and hugging Nicole and Alyssa, I felt a bit tire and had a bit of a sore throat.

Lana wants to hang out but I don’t really want to, in part because I don’t want to be sick again. Also she is uninspiring. And I don’t like her voice. She is smart and very nice though. And the only person who wants to hang out, aside from Nicole.

I want more friends that I like spending time with. And a boyfriend that I like spending time with. There’s a pattern here!

I think I must’ve gotten so sick in part because I was heart broken over Alex. 3 months of fun, 3 months of suffering.

Yesterday I still cried I think, but today I didn’t. I haven’t been thinking about him much.

Memories of him is fading. I don’t want to forget what it’s like to feel excited, to be turned on, to be in love….but, I need to bury this for now so I can live my life.

Honestly I don’t feel that there’s anything exciting these days…again going through existential crisis.

What is the point of anything?

Connections? Cyndi has so much fun with her friends in Creston. But listening to her talking about going to a music festival – it just doesn’t seem that fun. Feels like pointless, superficial activities.

I do like my ECF Vancouver friends though. They are funny and smart. Nice to me too.

Relationship? I’m trapped in this lifeless relationship with John. I’m just here to support him emotionally. Every time we talk I feel annoyed or more depressed.

Before Alex and I got intimate, when we were in Montreal, I had fun hanging with him I remember. And I didn’t miss John at all. After we got intimate, every moment we spent together was AMAZING.

If in this life I’m here to play, why am I not playing? Why am I always stuck with the boring ppl that I don’t want to spend time with? I wish I was a magnet for smart, funny, inspiring people! People who make me feel good.

Those people don’t seem to want to hang out with me…

Maybe need to work on my charm? Or just be a more interesting person?

Recently I’ve been practicing Monster, the dance by XiaoTangYuan. Almost there. Once I got all the moves down, I’ll then work on the cool factor.

This dance has been hard. After getting most of it, I now play it off my big TV to learn. It’s pretty great!

The magic wand was indeed magical! The satisfyer didn’t have very noticeable suction.

The magic want literally rubbed one (several) out of me, when I didn’t think horny thoughts and didn’t think it can do anything for me.

It’s not the same as making love though. There’s no soul in it.

And all the porn online sucks.

Feeling a little overwhelmed maybe. Faced with too many decisions.

1. Who to hire and from where?
2. What to work on next in order to grow?
3. Agency or in-house?

Growth options:

1. Option to gold fill everything
2. Add Amazon Custom listings
3. Create many cityscape designs and list on all marketplaces

Agency or in-house:

1. Facebook – Mint CRO
2. Amazon – Jeremy’s SOP
3. Return software to reduce VA workload? (So they can work on Amazon PPC and Facebook Ads? Manage influencers?)

Hiring:

1. Faster engraving machine or hire a part time engraver?
   1. Faster engraving machine for now. Test it out. We’ll have pre-engraved SCFs arriving in mid June.
2. Social media content creator – hire locally or hire someone online?
   1. Upwork or Fiverr with FB ads experience is probably best
3. Generalist – what can they help with? Email newsletter, post blogs

Hire 1 – Copywriter / Influencer and Community manager:

Great writer and copywriter.
Great communicator – fun, compassionate
Can bring a community together (customers, influencers)
Nice to have: Can manage VAs
Maybe someone in their late 20s, female. Doesn’t have to be located in Vancouver, but if they are, can talk to hire 2 better.

They will be doing these tasks:

1. Blogging – 10 hours a month
2. Copy writing (ads) – on-going project if we are doing it in house – 4 hours a month
3. Write and send out newsletters – 10 hours a month
4. Website content – on-going project, nice to have, 4 hours a month
5. Manage customer community; lead/train VAs to manage the community and customer service – 8 hours a month
6. Manage influencer community (VAs can handle more of the details perhaps) – 30 hours a month
7. Schedule posts, blog posts – 4 hours a month
8. Misc – talk to hire 2 – 2 hours a month

72 hours a month (3.6 hours a day)

$1800 if at $25/hour

$2160 if at $30/hour

This is a part time position.

Hire 2 – Branding / Artist with sense of marketing / Photographer / Videographer :

Social media, ads, and SEO content (videos, images):

1. Someone who understands the audience and how to attract the audience
2. Someone with great artistic sense and brand sense, so they can take good photos and videos
3. Someone who can evaluate influencers’ content – what we can use and what needs improvement, what we can’t use

Tasks:

1. Take product / hand-model photos and videos of new collection for website product listings and blog
2. Come up with content ideas and strategies, and take on-model / lifestyle photos and videos for social media, ads – using their own hands? Work with local influencers?
3. Talk to Hire 1 about which types of influencers to target
4. Discuss marketing / copywriting content ideas with Hire 1

For each new collection of 10 items:

1. Marketing ideation and strategy – 2 hours
2. Take product shots – 4 hours
3. Post ops of product shots – 8 hours
4. Coordinate and prep lifestyle photoshoot – 4 hours
5. On-model shots / lifestyle shots – 8 hours
6. Post ops of lifestyle shoot – 8 hours
7. Misc – 2 hours

4.5 days, or 36 hours ($900 if $25/h)

If we do 2 collections a month, that’s a part time position.

It can also be a contract position.

Hire 3 (or maybe Hire 2 or VA can do this):

1. Create listings required images (for all platforms), or ask graphic designer to do it
2. Create listings (Amazon, Etsy, Shopify)

Can the above be automated, optimized, etc?

I dreamt that Alex and I rekindled our relationship.

I was in my office. We had several computers. Someone had designed a game… They left a bag of M & Ms on each computer.

I opened mine up. Whichever colour I had the most of, I’m supposed to use that as the next instruction.

I opened mine up, and it had these extra large, flat, round M & Ms in blue, yellow, maybe green too.

As a result I was supposed to build some kind of computer on a wall.

I grabbed the M & Ms and started heading out.

Cut to: Me being with Alex.

He asked what I have been up to. I asked what he’s been up to. He said I asked you first. We laughed. The vibes were great.

It was night time. He held me in his arms as he was walking. I was at a 45 degree angle in his arms, and sort of weightless because my feet were not really dragging on the ground.

It was a comfortable, safe, happy feeling, being in his arms, being outside at night.

Because of my angle, I can see the night sky. Suddenly I saw a spaceship!

“Whoa! A spaceship!” I exclaimed wide-eyed in disbelief. It really had the shape of a spaceship!

But then as it descends and banked in a certain way, I realized it was a car. In fact, “Oh it’s a bus!”

I recognized it from the purple yellow red multi-coloured fabrics that buses have. It was pretty funny.

The bus landed and a bunch of black guys hopped out. They were nice.

I woke up feeling pretty happy and a bit horny. I imagined making out with Alex for a bit.

I’m happy to have a fun dream finally!

Maybe I can have a relationship with Virtual Alex. Dream Alex. He is sweet.

Yesterday when I was on the phone with John, for some reason my mood just turned sour. Is it me or him?

He just went on and complained about something, and didn’t ask me about my day. I rolled my eyes and thought, I was in a better mood before I got on the phone with him!

That’s the thing. 90% of the time I feel shittier after talking to him or seeing him.

That’s why I’m miserable.

How I want to be in a relationship with someone I love spending time with! Someone who makes me happier instead of sadder.

That was Alex. He brightened me up so much.

John is non-responsive to my jokes. Repeats a lot. Complains a lot.

To be fair, I’m not great to him either.

He was telling about investing in Monkeypox. He wanted to go all in. I rolled my eyes. He said these types of events will happen more often now. Agreed. He asked me to guess how much 4 million growing (10 times?) 10 times would generate. I rolled my eyes hard. I said it’s very unlikely he’ll win the bet 10 times in a row. If he loses it all, we don’t get to play again. It’s important to be able to keep playing. Invest half, ok.

Sometimes I worry about the soundness of his mind. So far he always turned out to be fairly smart and right. But, he did invest all his money into that scam, so he’ll never have enough street cred for having good judgement.

Maybe I should try to see him less. Maybe move away for a month to a tropical area and then break up.

Can I even move away though?

With Monkeypox on the horizon…it’s possible that we’ll continue to be stuck in Canada. It’s really crazy.

The craziest part is that Monkeypox was predicted 14 months ago by NTI.org, in a pandemic table exercise paper. In March 2021, they wrote about a fictional outbreak called monkeypox, with first confirmed case on May 15, 2022, in a fictional country, Brinia. In reality, the first confirmed case was on May 7, in Britain. Oh and NTI has a vaccine research and it’s funded by Bill Gates.

Are we just playing a script?

How can the world be not all over on this?

Is this even a real reality?