Crying when I used the sex toy

After placing about $200 worth of sex toys – 3 dildos that are about Alex’s girth, and 2 top selling sex toys (1 sucking vibrator and 1 massage wand), I was craving for some dick-in-the-vag feeling. But the toys will take about a week to arrive. So I dug out my sucking vibrator that I didn’t like very much.

I searched for “porn for girls”, and finally found some more sensual tit sucking porn.

I used the dildo part of the vibrator. It wasn’t the shape I wanted, but it still did something. I looked for my g-spot with it, and felt a bit turned on.

But just as I felt a bit more turned on, I suddenly remembered Alex more and more. And I burst into tears before I can cum.

I cried and napped.

I woke up feeling pretty ok. My bed is comfy, my organics bamboo sheets are comfy. I’m lucky. Oh and I get to enjoy this beautiful place, having it all to myself. I’m definitely very lucky.

I decided to finish where I started. Second attempt at an orgasm.

I found another porn clip. I masturbated and got one, then I grabbed the dildo to try to continue. Then, as I was getting heated, again I burst into tears.

I finished crying, wiped my tears and blew my nose, then continued my day.

I danced for a while. Got all sweaty. It was quite good.

Now I’m in the second bedroom typing this out, enjoying the desk I had built last month, before it got too hot in here. Such foresight! It’s nice and cool in here, with a gentle breeze and the view of my (hopefully still alive) bamboos 🙂

Back to Alex.

What’s to do?

Oh, I should mention, this morning I went for a walk to Canada Place. It’s the first day of the year that I went without a wig. Shaved my head to a pretty full mohawk yesterday.

Didn’t wear a bra. Who am I trying to impress. Haha

Though I think I would’ve been more willing to run if I did wear a bra. Next time.

Beautiful sunny day. Perfect temperature. Just breathing the air in was so relaxing!

There were so many cruise ship tourists! Great.

Enjoy this before the next pandemic hits! Monkeypox is on the horizon.

There were 2 favourite moments:

  1. On Hamilton and West Pender, it looked as though something gold had exploded and littered the sidewalk with glitter. In the sun, the pavement just shimmered like a road to heaven. It was beautiful!
  2. The water fountain by the pizza place is ON! I walked around it hoping to see a rainbow. Sure enough, there were several! Even a double rainbow!

It was such a pleasant walk. I didn’t run like I had expected, but it was so refreshing and re-energizing and centreing 🙂

Some thoughts:

  1. Ask Anh about Facebook demographics we can target, and then design ring for them
  2. Ask Ty to allow different fonts & small white space, big white space, and vertical padding

From the book Flow, some clusters of people would move every 2o to 30 years so they can feel useful/alive again. We naturally become stagnant. So, same is true for people we are in long term relationships with. Maybe we need to part ways for a little while. Maybe we need to rotate partners. Maybe just end and start anew?

The problem with these clusters of people who restart every couple of decades is inscalability in size and depth. When the population is large, this won’t work. When the civilization is deep (sophisticated) with complex infrastructure such as skytrains and highrises, this won’t work. So in terms of a nation, how do you stay fresh? In terms of a person, how do you stay fresh?

China builds on existing cities, expand its region, start new cities, demolish non-thriving ones.

As a person, we an grow together with our partner, do deeper things together (have kids, start biz together, move around the world, travel, etc), have more partners, end relationships that don’t work.

Yes! The goal is flow. The goal is elevating ourselves (another theme in the book). Glow up.


I came across an IG ad for “removing your limiting beliefs”.

Wasn’t able to buy it easily so I didn’t.

I googled what it takes to remove limiting beliefs. More importantly:

  1. What are my limiting beliefs?
  2. What new ones to instill?

I thought, if I were to design the course, I’d do this:

  1. Find examples that support the beliefs I want to create
  2. Burn them to memory
  3. Find some mantras / affirmations
  4. Repeat them often

Suddenly I remember that Tony Robbins pretty much taught me that. He also added:

  1. Think of how life would be in 5 years if I continue with this limiting belief
  2. Go deep on the pain and sadness from that
  3. Find ridiculous examples that support the limiting beliefs
  4. Affirm that they are ridiculous
  5. Do the opposite for the new beliefs I want to instill on myself

So, what are my limiting beliefs?

What are some news ones I want to instill?

Old: This guy is the best guy I’ll ever meet. There won’t be more like him.

New: Abundance over scarcity. The old paves way for the new. And if the old is not gone, the new cannot come. I have learned some cool things about relationship from my time with Alex. Now that he is gone, I’ll be able to explore new and better guys. Guys who will make me laugh, make me think, have amazing sex with, reply on, trust, and are emotionally so mature that they will be able to have conversations with me to work through anything. 

After talking to Mark about it being pointless to get attention on IG, I decided to make my profile private.

No point in making my IG pretty or glamorous just because that’s the IG style. What does that give me? Impressing strangers so creepy guys slide into my dm?

Let’s not let the platform decide who we are.

I like to share deeper thoughts. Share rawer photos. Share what’s really going on with my life. After all, that’s the only reason why I post. It’s just so my friends know what’s going on in my life. So we are not completely out of touch. Basically, I guess I want to use it like how I use Facebook…

 

Bought dildos

I’m legit going insane over Alex.

Yesterday I was consumed by the idea that maybe prolotherapy has permanently damaged John. I felt so much guilt.

I also felt so much guilt for saying to John that I have never been so bored and lonely in a relationship. It’s true…but…he is sick.

Today, I took it easy with work. Didn’t work at all today. Didn’t watch TV either.

I went rollerblading. Took a nap in the sun. Read Flow in the sun, naked. Made a black bean brownie. Danced a bit to XiaoTangYuan, trying to learn his moves.

It’s a pretty good day really.

As I was reading naked, I got a bit horny. I checked out PornHub and masturbated to something that barely did it for me.

I like videos of guys thoroughly enjoying a woman’s tits. I like good looking guys with toned bodies. I like the moments leading up to that first touch. None of the above is common in porn.

Sigh.

After a very mediocre orgasm, I took a look at these guys’ dicks. They were all pointy with smallish heads. No one has a healthy mushroom cap like Alex’s dick.

Wow. Is it that rare?

I decide to find myself a dildo that feels like his dick. I was looking for 5.5″, but realized that his girth is closer to 4.5″ which is more common in 6.5″ dildos. Maybe that’s why it feels so good. I picked ones with “real skin” technology, and a good sized lip (the closest I can find to resemble the mushroom cap).

As I shopped for an Alex-like dick, I felt sad for myself and cried again.

Sigh.

I want him so bad. I miss him so bad. Words can’t describe my constant sadness and withdraw.

I fantasized scenarios of us meeting up by chance. But none was realistic. The truth is, I’m unlikely to ever see him again. Just like with Matthew, Josh, Patrick, or anyone I have ever slept with.

I never ran into them again. And I wouldn’t want to.

To be fair, I did meet up with them, all of them, for a second time. And each time it ended badly.

If I ever do have a second chance with Alex, I’m almost certain it’ll end badly. Unless it’s decades from now, when we are both more sorted and manture.

My heart, body, mind, and soul crave him so badly. I can’t imagine being attracted to anyone else. Any other body type. It’s SO strange that this happened. I never would’ve thought, in a million years, that I’d be so into him.

I really hope I find love one day, with someone I feel as attracted to as I am to Alex these days.

And that this guy would be as into me too.

We would have the same physical and chemical compatibility as Alex and I. Except we’ll also be able to build a lasting relationship with no walls, no pretence. Just our vulnerable selves. With any emotional baggage sorted, or can be sorted together. And we’ll have so much love, respect, admiration, adoration, and compassion for each other.

Most importantly, we’ll be having so much fun together! Like two funny happy children! Except we also have amazing sex.

What’s it like?

 

Be someone’s inner child soulmate and more; John’s friend Sorell

I woke up this morning with a realization.

The co-founder of Charisma on Command, he talked about his ayahuasca experience one time.

He said that he can’t get over this ex that he broke up with. During his ayahuasca experience, he met his inner child. They went over the girls in his life and his inner child didn’t like any of them, but the ex. He asked why. His inner child said, “She lets me play.” He realized that he has always been working so hard and had such high expectations of himself. He did a charity, and was a bit disappointed in the results. This ex, she called him up and was almost in tears because of how proud of him she was. It’s like, she is more lenient to his inner child. She is proud of him. And that is what made it so hard for him to get over her.

I think about what Alex means to me and why it’s been so hard to get over him. He fulfills a certain need…a playmate who is non-judging, agreeable, fun, funny, so great in bed, gives me undivided attention, does interesting things, does hard things, is smart, has my respect…

Oh who am I kidding….it’s hard to get over him because he is just perfect for me. As perfect as it gets.

But I can’t be that for him. What does his inner child want?

I think his inner child is far more hurt and scarred than I ever realized. I probably could’ve explored that aspect more, and be someone that is harder for him to let go…

But, things happen for a reason. Some things are just not meant to be, at least, not right now.


I fell asleep today, holding my white fuzzy blanket. When I woke up to this position, I felt like it was the most comfortable position I’ve been in since I last cuddled with Alex.

Ugh. I hadn’t cried today. But now I feel like crying.

We are physically perfect for each other. That, is undeniable.

When we cuddled, it was like two pieces of puzzles fitting perfectly together.

I started writing this mainly just to write down how I feel a bit better now…but, writing about him makes me miss him so much again. Yesterday I noticed that I was missing him throughout the day, every 5 minutes or so. I’d try to divert my attention, like when someone meditating trying to divert from thoughts….

I think about him so much part of me feels so tired. My brain feels so inflamed, from being sick still, and from thinking about him over and over again. They say an inflamed brain can’t get stop thinking about the same song again and again. Maybe that’s what it is. Alex is my song.

I think about him extra much when I’m in bed, because that’s when we spent most of our time. So many good memories.

Oh Alex, do these good times we have really not mean enough for you to stay? Or do they hurt so much that you had to get away?

Either way, I don’t have you. I hate that.


I don’t have anyone to talk to about Alex. That’s ok, Talking doesn’t help anyway. I’m writing this down here and that’s enough for me. I mean, even this is not really helping me feel better. It just brings up my sadness. Sometimes I don’t write about these thoughts for exactly this reason.

Cyndi is the only person I can talk to about this. But, what’s the point. I’m tired of talking to her about it.


It’s hard to imagine that I’m feeling so much about a person and the person can feel very little about me. I mean, I don’t know how much Alex misses me, but, the idea that he can very well be not missing me at all is very hard to grasp.

I mean, I wanted to spend all my time with him while he wanted to get away from me. That alone came as a shock.


I can manifest. Can I manifest us being together? They always say you can’t make someone love you. And honestly he is so tricky to understand. If he was back into my life, I know for sure I’d be spending time worrying about losing him. So, I guess not. The better thing is to attract a secure attachment person into my life, who makes me laugh and orgasm hard, is super compatible with me, makes me happy, kind, loving, enjoys touching me, all of that…


John has been quite likeable lately. Strangely, even if he did become someone who makes me laugh, he doesn’t have the physical compatibility with me, so I know we’ll never work.

Alex’s dick is special. And our chemistry is special. And our size and shape are so insanely compatible. Now that I’ve had it, I don’t think I can settle for less.

Anyway, back to John. He’s been sick because of me, but he isn’t mad at me…he just says it’s ok. He’s checking in on me daily on how I’m doing, making me feel a bit better when I feel stressed.

He got in touch with his childhood friend Sorell, and this one seems like a good one. I hope their friendship strengthen. Sorell is starting a second weed company with Gary Payton. I hope John gets rich from it, and be free of money worries.

It would be really nice if John gets a great friend and lots of money from this. Sometimes it seems like he is even better at manifesting than me!

The main thing though, is his health. He started seeing someone who is similar to Steve Reed. This one could be it! I really hope so.

I can only be free if he is feeling better. So dear God, please help him!

If I can manifest health and love, I’d want to manifest health and wealth for John, then love for me, then more health and wealth and love for me and him and Mom.

 

 

 

Crying everyday; About Time the movie; still sick but almost healed

If I can wish for anything right now, it would be a zest for life.

I feel kind of dead inside.

Been sick for 10 days now, and that’s definitely a large part to feeling dead.

I lounge around, watch TV, do the infinite IG scroll, feel stressed about not hiring anyone and not being productive.

But mostly…I feel that I’m going crazy because I’m still crying about Alex everyday.

What does this mean?

Does mean we have something special and we are connected? That he is also feeling very sad about losing me?

Or is it one sided? Only I feel extremely sad? It’s possible but unthinkable.

Or am I just going through some kind of big hormonal shift?

Or am I just going insane?

I think I tend to be more optimistic during the day. At night when I masturbate, I try to not think about him. But inevitably I would.

Actually there was one time in the past three days I didn’t cry. I kept saying, “I love you” and filled my heart with love.

He still follows me on IG and the story view showed that he’s watched my stories.

Why does he that? It’s comforting to see that he still follows me and watches my stories, but, does he not suffer when he watches my stories? I blocked all his activities. I cannot bear to know anything that’s happening in his life.

Keep telling myself that even if we were together I’d suffer anyway, because he isn’t the type of guy that I can count on. Oh but how I wish I can experience all the fun with him, being a part of his world, his fun life.


Watched the movie About Time. Wow. The first half was kind of boring. The second half made me cry so hard.

If I can go back in time, I’d relive each of my moments with Alex. I’d be happy, knowing I have that at my finger tips always. In a sense I’d always have him.

Then if that gets boring, I might make bigger changes. Maybe seeing if saying something will keep our relationship going ’til my birthday. Maybe never tell him that I had a boyfriend and see how much he’d fall for me and how long we’d last.

Then if I can figure out how to make our relationship last, then maybe go back in time to become single and really date him.

Oh, all the fun a person can have just by being able to go back in time repeatedly. I’d get so good at life!

Definitely easy to make money.

Definitely easy to be a successful entrepreneur.

Can live out multiple life scenarios.

Can improve the same life scenarios.

It’s funny how, I’d want to keep this memory I have with him, especially the northern lights evening. If I had this power in my 20s, I probably wouldn’t have progress in such a way that I’d ever meet him.

Of course the best way to optimize such an ability is to live out my life, then go back in time to make incrementally bigger changes.

The biggest change might be to go back to when I first lost my hair, and just be a more well-adjusted, confident person right away.

Still sick, still sad

Been sick since last Sunday. 7 days now.

On the 4th day I thought I was gonna be 100%, but it seems like my flu turned into a cold, and I am now having a stuffy head and a stuffy nose, the past 3 days.

John is sick too, since Tuesday. He’s always unwell so it’s hard to tell how sick he is.

I feel, so sad.

I don’t know exactly why.

I still think about Alex everyday. My memory of him is not very clear anymore, but the emotional intensity is still just as strong sometimes.

I don’t know how to get over him. I don’t know how to get over this feeling of loss….

I think I’m grieving. Grieving for the loss of that feeling of love. How much I loved him, how much I feel loved by him. I miss the laughing, talking, singing, holding hands, holding each other, kissing, making love. I miss every moment that we had together, Every. Moment.

I’m sad that this is gone. I’m sad that I’m STUCK with John.

I want to be free from John. But I want to be free because he is well. Healthy and financially sound and happy. But when will that time come?

Meanwhile I’m not in the mood to look for someone. I just want to have very good friends and expand from there.


John just called me as I was writing the above and balling my eyes out incredibly hard.

Ironically, I was happy that he called. I gathered myself together so it didn’t seem like I’ve been crying, and called him back.

He asked how I was doing.

There are definitely good qualities about him.

He is mentally stable. He reaches out to me. He doesn’t get mad or overly upset at me. He didn’t blame me for getting him sick. I can trust that he won’t ghost or run away on me.


I looked up the stages of grief. Because, I know that losing hair is a grieving process. Losing Alex must be too.

I think I’m in the depression stage.

The next would be acceptance.


In the realm of what’s possible, what would I want to happen right now?

I was thinking about travelling to a tropical place with a fun group of people including Cyndi and Ty. Ah, how sad that even that is fantasy? Can’t travel abroad right now, Cyndi lives far away with no money, Cyndi and Ty are no longer together, and Ty is not into travelling atm (and even if he is, he is going to Argentina with his childhood friends).

Build my own friend group. I have so few friends.

I need to focus on building a friend group!

I keep saying that. I need to act on it!

Criteria:

  1. Want to hang out
  2. Can hang out (has time)
  3. Smart
  4. Fun
  5. Reliable
  6. Bonus: Inspiring

When I’m recovered from this flu/cold, I’m gonna…well, I guess I need to get my biz back on track first, hire the people I need to hire, visit mom….then eventually get to having friends…

I guess the 1 thing I can do is to sign up for dance.

And reach out to the girl who owns a tea shop who is in Life Hack Tribe.


John is not so bad. He isn’t needy. He is kind and stable. He is trying. He is handsome.

I am not stopped by him to go out and meet people. So really, I need to just do that. Go out and meet people. He is my indoor night time cuddle buddy. Don’t ask for more, don’t expect more, and don’t let it stop me from making friends and finding my soulmate.

Alex is far from ideal. His mood swings at the slightest gust of wind. Same with his reliability and responsibleness. I would never have felt safe with someone like that.

So, I need to stop fantasizing about being together in any capacity. He’ll just disappoint and hurt.


Remember, the best is yet to come.

Remember, I can manifest 🙂

 

Sick after Ty’s fashion show

Went to Ty’s 70’s fashion show at the Beef House on Saturday.

On Sunday, got super sick. Achey all over, no energy. Frequent piercing pain in random places. I haven’t felt this sick since I got a flu when I was around 25 years old. 17 years ago!

Monday, headache and swollen achey throat. Piercing pain in head and shoulder areas. Hard to talk because it’d hurt. Phlegm. Skin terrible.

Tuesday, less swollen and achey throat, no more headache. Voice still shot. Phlegm.

Wednesday, throat almost normal, voice almost normal. Phlegm pretty much gone. Just a nerve behind the right ear that sometimes gets shooting pain…gone by evening. A bit congested in the evening. Skin better.


Tina, Adina, and Allison also got sick. Brian and Verneet maybe.

Tina was tested negative for COVID when she first got symptoms. Then tested again the next day and was positive.

I still think it was a flu, not covid.


I took cordeyceps everyday. Some Ener-C. Fish broth that Mom made. Oat milk (for Vitamin D).

I was hit pretty hard, but was improving fairly quickly.

Today, the 4th day, I went out to buy some celery. Probably shouldn’t have, if it was covid.


John came over to bring me a juice on Sunday, then went to see his friend Mike, drove him to airport, then went to see his Mom, then came by in the evening.

He put a cold towel on my forehead, and made me some lemon water.

On Monday, I asked him to come by again. He wanted to go skating. He came by briefly, then came by again after skating.

Both times he didn’t want to stay long, which was very frustrating for me. The fact that he came empty handed also pissed me off. In fact, he ate my food while I was sick…ate my bananas etc.

He wanted to leave at 9:48pm, because he was hungry and was gonna go home to get something to eat. I was a bit pissed. I said fine, I’ll order something for myself. He changed his mind and stayed to make me a salad with food in my fridge.

I thought it was still pretty lame that he was using my food, but he was really proud of himself. I pretended to really appreciate it.

It was a pretty decent salad. Cucumber, tomatoes, avo, blueberries, nuts, orange peppers.

But it’s because I bought all of those ingredients.

He chopped them up and thought he was the king. Ugh.

I know he ate a bunch of it too.

What a moron. I gave him $200k so far this year and he can’t bring a fucking salad? Or order something? I brought countless trips of groceries to him last year….maybe 15, 20 trips. He brought me 1 jar of tahini this year.

He is so unlovable, honestly.

Stingy. Boring. Repetitive. Ruminating. Depressing.

He is teachable, and I think he is already better than before. But still such a long way to go.

He’s been stressed out because the stock market has been fluctuating more than ever. Stupid Russian war.

I just feel like I can’t escape this fate…..this fate that I must be with him for now and god knows how much longer.

Today he told me again that he is worried that he might have cancer because he doesn’t have any appetite.

He had recently ordered an extensive blood work from a naturalpathic doctor, which will hopefully shed light on how to improve his health.

It’s been almost 4 years now that we are together. Omg.

I can’t wait for him to find his health and happiness.

I can’t wait for me to find my own.

I want the kind of sex and affection that Alex and I have.

I still think about him. I still miss him.

Yesterday, I still cried about him, before and after I masturbated. Like, just as I was getting healthy enough to feel the urge to masturbate, my mind goes to him.

Today, I posted on IG my cherry dress and my space buns.

I had planned this for weeks. I wanted to post them for Alex to see.

He had mentioned at one point that he liked that hair style (on anime girls).

And my cherry dress was super cute and sexy.

Looks like he did view my stories.

But what of it?

Nothing changes.

Still stuck with John. Still can’t date Alex.

I’m too congested today to feel much for Alex. I still masturbated to the thought of him today, but no tears. Does this mean he doesn’t miss me anymore either?


If this life is for me to play, I understand why I don’t have kids.

But I wish I had a playmate….even multiple playmates!


Maybe this weekend I’ll feel well enough to be spiritual. I’ll do some visualization and manifesting!

 

 

 

Depressed, ready for a reboot

Today I didn’t cry about Alex, but I did yesterday and possibly everyday before that in the past week.

You’d think I’d be over him by now. It’s been 3 months, and we were only together for 3 months.

Yesterday I was just lying in bed and thinking about him and I cried. Sometimes I just burst out crying while watching Mom…not really thinking about him… This makes me think either I’m just crying because of hormones or because I’m still sad deep down about losing him.

I wonder if he still feels sad about losing me.

My bun bun.

I miss how he called me “My bunny”.

Yesterday I posted on FB about Elon Musk buying Twitter. The romantic part of me thinks that when I post, he is reminded of me and he misses me, which triggered my brain to miss him and cry when I post something on social, because we are connected. Our higher selves are.

But maybe it’s just my brain. Sigh.

I miss him so much. Still do. It’s just so blissful being with him. I feel so dead inside now. Talking to John is boring and draining. He is always suffering. I miss being happy and excited.

I know that John is my real saviour. He helped prevent me from getting the vaccine. He helped me become financially free. I have $4MM+ and $165K/year dividend income thanks to him.

Aside from Mom, no one has helped me in life more than he has!

He is down at the bottom right now health wise, and I need to help him.

But…I want to live a happy life too.

What I had with Alex was perfect. I wish it could stay that way forever.

There’s no other way that him and I can work….

I hope John heals, and heals soon. I hope we both find our special someone that is great for us in life. He is a good guy. He deserves to be happy.

I deserve to be happy too. To be laughing and having fun with the person I love, and the person loves me back just as much. We are always excited about seeing each other. Everyday is fresh and an adventure, yes we feel so safe having each other.

I want to get healthy, get social, get happy. I want to meet my soul mate.

On Thursday, I’ll fast.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still missing Alex. WTF.

April 20th. It’s been 2.5~3 months since I last saw Alex. I’m feeling much better now, yet today, I missed him again and I cried. How I wish that he’d make an effort to be with me. How I wish that we can date and spend all the fun time in the world together.
I can’t believe I’m still missing him after so long. I guess that’s what it’s like to be in love, to be addicted to a drug. I just always want to be with him. I just have nothing but good times when we were together. I felt ALIVE when I was with him. Can’t beat that.
I know he is too much of a dismissive avoidant for me to ever trust that he’ll be there for me. But being with him is just like being in heaven. It must’ve been love. This must’ve been what being in love feels like. I saw no fault in him. He was just amazing. I loved everything about him. His height, his tatts, his face. Things I didn’t think were perfect…..they became perfect.
I’m reading the lyrics to the song “It must’ve been love” by Roxette and I’m crying hard now.
I want to believe that, if I fell this hard for him, there’s something special between us, and that we are bound to meet again, to be with each other again. But, I also know that there are many unrequited love stories in the world throughout history. I just have never experienced it so I can’t comprehend what it’s like to not be loved back the same way.
Also, I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved him. He is absolutely a unicorn to me. So I never knew what it was like to be so hooked on someone.
I also have never been in a relationship with someone that makes me laugh, that I can talk business with, and have the most mind-blowing sex together. Surely there’s someone else like that for me, aside from him, right? That that person will be healthier mentally. And doesn’t want kids either! That wants to build a business together. That cares about me and my business like his own.
My vibrational frequency for a perfect relationship has been raised. My expectation is now higher haha. But I think it’s good. It’s good to know how good it can be.
If I do date him, I’ll discover that he isn’t what I believe him to be anyway. He is on the selfish side, and he is unreliable. And he has an uglier side, such as being vindictive. And likely he’ll fall out of love before I am.
But I know that we date, we’d be totally in love, at least for a while. We’d be passionately in love. I really think that’s the type of love we’d have. We’d think of each other as perfect, we’d move heaven and earth for each other, we’d have the best of times together.
I really want that kind of love.

Interviewed and hired Firuza; yesterday set up bins at the office while Anna engraved

Very slacked off day today. Interviewed Firuza at Noon.

Masturbated and thought about Alex and cried…again. I guess that’s just how it is now.

Napped.

Placed D6 order with Udoo.

Went for a walk to London Drugs to buy some stamps.

Quick trip to Costco to buy pork rinds for Mom.

Came home and ate a crab, a salad with green goddess dressing I made (avo, cilantro nuts, lemon juice, garlic), fudgsicle, microwaved Brussels sprouts, this gelatin “skin” (rou yuan pi) Mom made. I guess it’s pre-period so I’m eating a lot.

Typical day really.

After staying at work with Anna from 4pm ’til midnight last night!

I guess today was my recovery day.

Firuza seemed like a good hire. Fingers crossed! Come to think of it, I should’ve asked for references.

She is 33, from Kyrgyzstan. She is a single mom, living near King Edward station. Been here for 7 years, daughter is 9 years old and on kids’ Tik Tok. called Likee. Nice nails.

She is $18/h and she seems very reasonable of a person, so I just offered here the job on the spot. Ahahaha.

I still feel like this life is a blessing to me, and I believe that good things are in abundance for me in this life!

So, I shall make more decision, do more things! Try more things!

Remember: I can manifest!

Sometimes I think about manifesting Alex into my life again. Because what we had was so good, so fun, so sexually mind-blowing….I don’t even know what is better than that. I guess someone who is more capable of love? Someone who isn’t as self-centered? And isn’t a dismissive avoidant? And doesn’t want kids? And lives in a nice place on his own instead of with his parents? And doesn’t have a drinking issue?

I mean, everyone has something. The most important is that we have an amazing time together, and that we both keep trying to make it work, make it better.

The problem with Alex is that, even if we get back together, I’d still feel like he’d give up on us on a whim.

That’s one HUGE cool thing about Bunny that is 1000x better than Alex. Bunny is always trying to make things better. He doesn’t give up on us.

But one HUGE cool thing about Alex is that we have an amazing time together.

So, I want a guy who is BOTH!


I’m excited about starting Firuza as our new hire!

Week 1: Establish our brand feel, target audience, study competitors, SWOT analysis, learn the rings, help with packing, list all the marketing channels (blog, social media platforms, email funnels, etc), come up with a content strategy (what formats, what content gets repurposed)

Week 2: Pack rings, prepare some content!