My Site

I’ve had a lightly rough week.

Since going to Brian’s entrepreneur last Saturday, I have not been following my daily routine.

Partly because I drank caffeine juice. Partly because my feelings for him resurfaced.

Also I started snacking on Doritos and they were addictive!

Maybe also because it’s been 1.5 months since I started the routine. My rebel mind needed a vacay.

Oh and also, it’s been my period. Definitely more hungry.

Today is Saturday. I want to get back on track!

I’ve been thinking about Brian a lot. Before the party, we didn’t chat for about 2 weeks. After the party, we chatted on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. And a lot on Friday.

I’m not as horny for him anymore. He hurt my feelings a few times now.

Even now as we talk more lately, I’m not as exuberant. No more heart eyes. Not as much laughing. It’s rather subtle and he might not notice at all, but for me it’s 100% not the same.

I get so upset when I think about how he never acted on hanging out one on one with me when I told him I miss him and let him know when I can hang out.

He has shown interest in me for sure, especially early on, down to do mushroom together, asking if I was interested in taking a dance class together…then it fizzled. Then was making sure I went to ECF Live, hung around me lots at ECF Live, bought me dinner for the get together at Hawthorne, wearing the ring I gave him every day, etc.

But his effort wanes, like the tides, ebbing and flowing, and getting smaller each time.

I hated that he sat himself beside Selene. I hated that he even mentioned her at ECF Live that they have the same fashion style. I hated that he has a few other girl friends, including that Russian girl with PhD in computational biology. I hated that he invited that other girl Jasmine to MFM live event with him instead of me, and didn’t even introduce me to her. I think that last one was the worst offence.

Yes all those relationships can be platonic, and I have done my share of making him jealous unintentionally I’m sure, but, at the end of the day, one thing is clear. He never asked me out, and never even took up my offer of hanging out.

It really doesn’t matter how much he actually feels for me. He has never acted on it. And so, I need to wake up and realize he is just not that into me.

Or I have a deal breaker such as age or not wanting kids.

Or he hasn’t enough confidence to express his feelings for me. Either I’m too amazing for him or he has a micropenis.

I don’t want to dwell on it too much. I’m writing this to help ease my pain, and will let him go.

I will still reply to his messages, but I won’t message him first. I might agree to go to his events, but I most likely won’t. Unless I have a boyfriend.

I’m only going to maintain this friendship, not going to advance it.

He added Masha to the Whatsapp group, so I have even fewer reasons to go. The event was full of lame ppl tbh.

He is lame tbh. And not compatible to me.

He is very serious, not the playful kind I wanted in a boyfriend. He flaked out on my Halloween party invite without telling me. He got mad at me for bringing it up (immature and very abrasive). He goes away when I’m mad at him / he is at fault (avoidant). He lacks a sexual energy. He is cynical.

I feel that he likes me but he has somehow friendzoned me. And not even a close friend. Just a friend he invites to parties, and talks on Whatsapp with sometimes.

He is pretty fun to talk to on Whatsapp. And there are some things I want to talk about in person. But he doesn’t seem to care to. He doesn’t ask me questions. He is not curious about me. Sometimes he seems flirty, but who knows if that’s how he is with other girls too. He knows how to make friends with girls. He likes to help, which can easily be taken as being interested. That might be the case, but, a big part of it too is just ego. He thinks he is some hot shit at marketing. He never asks for my help or advice. He just dispenses them. I appreciate the advice sometimes, but girl, you are brilliant and you should be praised. Find a cute guy that gives you compliments and boosts your confidence!

Brian will never be that guy for me. The nicest thing he’s said to me was that he’ll wear my rings every day.

I feel sad just thinking about his lack of love and actions. He is a man of action. If he is not acting on it, he does not want it.

I know I don’t have to think of it this way. There are other ways to interpret his behaviors.

Let’s say it’s this:

He has a micropenis and a lack of sex drive. He is really into me but he is very afraid that I will reject him, or even expose him. He thinks I’m the best and funnest and coolest person he can possibly be with, but he holds back. He cries at night dreaming about dating me. He started this group because I said I wanted one. I said I wanted a community, and I want a boyfriend,but I want to be friends first. He is being a friend first, and building this community for me (and for him), in the hopes of being my boyfriend one day. He adores me and thinks I’m smart, fun, and super compatible with him. But he doesn’t know how to express it. I’m so charismatic, so beautiful, so sexy. He’s never met anyone like me. He doesn’t feel that he is enough for me, thus he always tries to impress me and teach me something. He doesn’t feel that he deserves me, so he drops out of my life when I’m mad at him. He wants me so bad but he is afraid to show it. He freezes when he is alone with me, so he doesn’t try. When we are surrounded by ECFers he felt less scared, but he didn’t know what to say. He just knows that he wants to be with me. He is gravitated towards me. But he is afraid that something sexual will happen between us, because he knows I need a lot of sex, and he most likely can’t satisfy me.

Delulu is the solulu, lol

Went to Brian’s “Intuitives” party yesterday.

It was reasonably fun, but I still feel weird about Brian.

I invited around 15 ppl , 10 ppl said yes, 5 cancelled last minute, 5 + Shawn’s friend Nate showed up. I like these people less now, and will never invite them to anything again. Cecilia, Alexa, Mike, Hilda & Rob.

Stan, Anton, Ty & Aida, Shawn came.

I went with Shawn and Nate. I drove. Shawn has a 23yo girlfriend again. He doesn’t look old…but he is not cute anymore for some reason. Immature still. Was gonna sit at the back of the car and left me driving alone at the front! Nate is American. He is nice, but not very interesting. They are biz partners now. And Shawn did $150K on Amazon in a recent month!

Stan was in the car behind me apparently! I’m glad he came. I still feel bad for not going to his house cooling party. I spent some time talking to him.

Anton came too. Him and Irina have a 4.5 yo daughter (Emma? Emily?) and another baby on the way. He told me about the spontaneous trips they used to go on. I’m envious of them being this couple that can travel. And he is doing well on Amazon too.

Ty and Aida got married at Burning Man! Holy shit. I’m not gonna tell Cyndi. She has not been feeling good about Ty being extra cold and uncaring toward her. And her friends all going to BM with Ty.

It’s surprising that Ty would be so cold and uncaring towards Cyn. I feel for her. At the same time, I rely on Ty to fix the App, and he has been a good friend to me, so I can’t be mean to him. It does make me feel that good guys are almost impossible to find though.

Aida was nice and at times funny yesterday. Still, she doesn’t have Cyndi’s rizz. And is not as funny. Ty seems to have gotten less funny too. But still funny.

The first 2/3 of the party I just talked to people I knew. It was fine.

At one point I joined a table and realized it was Brian’s staff. Turned out there were about 9 people that are Brian’s staff or staff’s boyfriend. I met the graphic designer and Paola the project manager, and told them Brian raved about them. They were so shocked and pleased.

Deep was sitting on one side of him. Brian’s media buyer. Matt on the other side. Matt is leaner than I remember. And more awkward. But he is nice.

That’ explains the good turnout.

Brian didn’t come to talk to me the whole night. There was a Russian girl Mariia, doing PhD at UBC (Computational Biology). I was a bit threatened that Brian might like her.

Then Selene came, with her bf. He looked ok. She didn’t put effort into this even at all. Still I felt a bit threatened.

Then when I was sitting with Brian’s staff, I saw that he was sitting very close to his girl Darryl. I was sure that he liked her, and felt threatened again.

Later on I chatted with Darryl and learned that they met through dance, she lives in Surrey, and she designs card games. Also she seems older…maybe late 30s to early 40s. I talked to her a bit and she turned out to be very cool and maybe not a threat. She designed a card game, and I totally liked it!

But basically, Brian has a lot of girls around him. Some are friends, some are staff.

At the end of the party, Ty went to say thanks to Brian. Brian was sitting with Darryl. Turned out she is an INTP. I told Brian Ty was my ENTP best friend and gave Ty a side hug.

Still, Brian never came over to stand near me like he did at ECF Live. I didn’t bother either. He didn’t even look cute. Why do I like him?!

He was wearing the ring I gave him though. And some people would be like, Oh you’re the girl who designs the rings! (I think it was his staff.)

At one point when I was standing near his finger magician friend Kevin, he put his forearms on both of us. Not his hands. His arms. They clamped by wig down so I didn’t even move. That was weird. Was it a “Hey dude” move or was it a non-platonic move?

I talked to his bubble tea protein powder friend Dave too. Dave mentioned something about spiking his protein shakes so it’s like Khalua. I said, That’s what I told Brian! And he didn’t mention my name? lol

I hugged everyone before leaving. Then as we went to the elevator, me and everyone hopped in. And Brian came over, we realized that he was going up not down, so we just said good-bye wit him outside the elevator by himself, without good-bye hugs. It was a pretty awkward moment. I felt like we looked at each other for a long moment, wishing we could at least hug each other. But that’s just my perception of it. He maybe didn’t even feel anything.

So be it. He said he wanted to be efficient that’s why he created this party. Well, if he’d rather be efficient than to hang out one on one, then he doesn’t get a hug from me lol.

I still feel resentful and vindictive towards him.

I wish I could find someone to make out with. I don’t even need to make him jealous. I just want to direct my affection towards someone worthy.

He is not worthy of my affection. He had his chance of hanging out one on one with me and he didn’t take me up on it. I’m quite sure that he just wants to be friends.

Even though I still have feelings for him, he is not boyfriend material. He is barely even friend material. I’m better off keeping a friendly distance.

I decided to say thanks to Brian for hosting the party, even though I basically don’t want to initiate any convo with him anymore. I still have etiquettes. It wasn’t easy hosting an event.

He replied with a kissing emoji. And we talked for quite a bit for the past 2 days. Aaannd I felt something for him again….

I think I just have a lot of respect for him for being an entrepreneur, and he is nice to me, and sometimes very funny – and that did it.

I need to keep reminding myself that he is not the one.

But I can’t help but dwell on this feeling.

I need to realize that if he asks me out, that’s when I need to think about him. Otherwise, he is nothing but a friend to me.

I think he has a lot of female friends. And he has a few clusters of friends. And he doesn’t want to hang out one-on-one with me, for whatever reason. The good reason is he is scared, the bad reason is he doesn’t prioritize me. Either way, I’m not gonna prioritize him.

I don’t even like the whatsapp group he’s created. I already don’t like the people in it. For example, Masha is in it.

Result I want: Find a boyfriend. Keep a friendly relationship with Brian. I want him to crush hard on me, but what’s the purpose of that? Just for my ego.

Action: So I guess I’m not gonna do anything special. Just remember that he is just a friend, nothing more. Like Ty.

Felt a bit sad about Brian yesterday.

Just a few days ago, we had this amazing chat and I started having feelings for him again.

Then, while planning his upcoming event, I mentioned that we need to invite 50 to get 30, because Vancouvrites flake out.  And I mentioned for example he did that to me.

He did not like that. And reacted so strongly it was scary and made me feel very bad. Like, wtf. He was the one that didn’t show up to my party and didn’t say anything about it. He has no grounds to making me feel bad.

He said he already said sorry and I shouldn’t bring it up again, because that’s not what friends do.

It took so long to clear the air. I had to run away to Spikeball, which was super fun. So glad I went! Played with John, Suraj, and Evan.

Suddenly Ty came out of no where and was running towards me! I was like, “Whoa, it’s like time travelling!” Cuz he was in his 70s shirt lol

He gave me a hug and picked me up. He’s never done that before.

Turned out they were having a divorce party for Kay.

Ty joined us for a game of Spikeball. He learned quickly and had fun.

There was a super cute and soft doodle at the game. I had so much fun playing the game and petting the dog!

Spikeball is even more fun than volleyball.

I joined Ty and his friends after. Kay is having lots of fun dating! Her dog Mochi was there. He was somewhat cute too. A Boston terrier.

Talked to Aida a bit too. She really isn’t funny. She laughed at my jokes though.

Then at the same time, Cyndi has been really sad because Ty just hasn’t been treating her like a friend. He reached out to her recently to ask for money. Damn. He is so terrible..why is that?

It’s a totally different side of him… unless it’s not intentional…just cruelness via un-attentiveness.

He loved her so much when they were dating…how did it go so far south?!

I’m very weary of guys and dating now.

Look at Brian. I thought at least he was sweet. But he just showed a super ugly side to me.

I don’t want to get closer to him anymore. Glad I didn’t make out with him.

I wish he was different. I thought he was at least a friend I can get close to, but now I feel like he is not someone I want to be close friends with. It’s like losing him again….

Part of me am so surprised and frustrated that I can’t get him. “Get him” as in making him fall for me. He is immune to me, maybe. Maybe he just doesn’t show it in a way that I understand, but, that’s effectively like not showing it. I’m not gonna try to put myself in his shoes and imagine that he likes me. I did that, and it made me fall for him. It made me think that he is capable of loving me, adoring me, being affectionate and loving and gentle. But he is cold, passive, indifferent, biz-first, angry, pessimistic, negative.

The upside is that it’s not hard to keep a distance from him. Basically I just have to stop reaching out and he’ll stop. I think he’ll only reach out when he wants to throw an event. He’ll never want to spend one on one time with me. And, I don’t want that now either. Even the thought of hugging him kinda grosses me out now.

I had asked him if he is inviting anyone I know. He didn’t point out Selene and other ECFers, so I felt special. But turned out he did invite her and she is coming. I think I assumed that he invite just me and 20 something people I didn’t know. And I thought that he invited Matt for me to persuade me to go. But turned out he just individually invited people, and I’m simply one of them.

I mean, yeah he asked for my availability, but he probably asked Selene and a bunch of others at the same time.

There was never a future between us anyway. But I think ever since I got upset at him about not being a friend, there’s even less hope.

One new lesson I learned is that, being confrontational and critical are very unattractive traits. I’ll never spell out the errors of someone’s ways again. I’ll just choose to keep them or maintain a healthy distance from them or have nothing to do with them at all.

Brian is not someone I can confide in. He doesn’t actually get me. Nor does he have a desire to.

Today I had coffee with Alexa and Karla. I like them!

An intimate get-together is what I prefer, over a party. Alexa thought so too.

Karla turned out to be 46. She has an 11yo and is a single mom. She comes to Vancouver every other week to stay a week here.

Alexa is pretty transparent too. Telling us that she was engaged 6 months ago and that’s now cancelled.

Played volleyball today. Was pretty fun. But not as fun as spikeball.

Got 2 cars now. Max, and Mom’s older Lexus. Mom decided to sell Max to Dan for cheap, cuz she wanted to continue to see Max. Fair.

I bought Mom her new Lexus! Well, it’s a lease for about $1K a month. I’m adulting lol.

Oh another good news is that Paulina and Kateryna are confirmed! Ebony decided to go with contract. That’s fine.

Oh and I mailed Cyndi Mom’s iPhone 6. Cyndi’s phone stopped working.

She is going through the sadness about Ty.

I’m going through the sadness about Brian.

The world’s mood right now seems to be irritable people. I was even kind of irritable to Mom this trip back.

Mom was good to me though. I got to pick figs of our trees! That was amazing! So fun to discover ripe figs too!

Yesterday morning I messaged Brian about the newcomer grant. He said nothing. I felt a bit sad.

This morning he replied, and we had a fun chat.

Yes I know he is not the one for me, but I really enjoy chatting with him like this. Well, even better if he laughs at my jokes.

Though looking back, I think I’m too nice when I talk to him. Kinda like when Mark or Chris or Allen talks to me. Thirsty energy. Though, I think I’m just being nice. I’m pretty nice and responsive towards Mark. He is funnest of the three.

But Mark lately seems a bit thirstay. He told me about his 3-some experience, and I think he was trying to turn me on. Didn’t work though. I’m just not attracted to him. He is married, and he has a bit of a belly. And his face just isn’t my type.

I want someone who is more complimentary, more encouraging, more thoughtful, more caring, and more upbeat than Brian.

I try to not get sucked into being infatuated with him again.

Yesterday John invited me over for dinner, and cooked a super yummy steak and potatoes and tomatoes dinner. And we watched a cute panda documentary. And we napped together for a bit, his arms around me. It was nice.

Oh and while I was waiting for him to cook, I made a balloon flower for him lol. There was a psoas exercise that called for a balloon for I brought some.

Then he wanted to watch celebrity wheel of fortune together, I said no. Then we got up and he started watching it, so I got ready to leave. He started showing me stretch moves….while he watched the show. It’s like, he wanted me to stay long, but he also wanted to watch the show.

Overall it was a pleasant time though. I rode my e scooter back, in the rain. He called me the next day and said it was fun and I looked nice.

Oh and I was pretty handsy with him. I craved the touch. And we pecked on the lips when I left. But I still thought about Brian more.

I like having sex with Alex, chatting with Brian, and…looking at John lol. John is the oldest but he has the nicest face, body, proportions.

Barbie movie was quite good! I cried a few times. Ayumi and Nicole didn’t lol. But we had fun. We haven’t hung out together in a long time!

After the movie, we had a mandatory photoshoot, of course! We were all wearing pink after all!

Nicole is 22, Ayumi is 26 or 27, and me almost as old as the two of them combined lol. Well, 43. Potentially same age as Nicole’s mom.

But I was dressed the sexiest haha. I wore my pink yarn dress with cherries on top. And Nicole would say everyone was checking me out.

When I looked at the photos, I look a bit older than them, but passable in some photos. The tension in my neck is the biggest giveaway right now.

We saw the 11:50am showing, so it was only 2pm. We got some truck food and ate on a bench by the Robson Square. It was fun.

I said I had to go back to work. They continued hanging out the rest of the day, including a volleyball game with the volleyball fam.

I went home and planned on working, but didn’t do much. Took a long nap, watched some TV, and did a little bit of work. But it was fine. It was recharge.

Today is Saturday. I rode my e-scooter to Kit beach, and played volleyball from 5:30pm to 9pm…that’s like 4.5 hours! It was so fun, and Matilde taught me how to serve overhand so much better! Ran into Phil too! His group is so good!

There was Doug, Reza, Renata, Matilde, and I. And Dips for a bit, and Allen after. Krish came for a bit but left before we began.

Doug was quite funny today. He said Krish left ’cause his gf needed an orgasm. We joked about “coming together” and Krish came early so he left.

3 on 3 was the funnest. And the players are the strongest of the group, so it was extra fun.

At 8:30 or so, the sky was the fire-y orange pink! It was SO beautiful.

What a fun day!

I’m so blessed to be the consciousness that gets to enjoy this moment.

I noticed that Doug is quite funny, and just very self-less and kind. He is a great leader.

Renata is very thoughtful and kind. Trying to help, always. Kinda like Milo. I’m glad they end up together.

Reza is also very kind.

Matilde is only 21! She’s been playing for 7 years, but not the past 3 years. She taught me to put the elbow forward more, and swing my for-arm when serving overhand. That totally helped! I’m so stoked.

Dips is pretty chill and funny as usual. Not as thoughtful but still a good friend.

Allen is current least fave. He is very self-centred. Sometimes he is funny though. Everyone tolerates him haha.

I was a bit tired during the day

Ideas to 10x:

1. Really focus on TikTok, Reels, and Youtube Shorts
2. Really focus on scaling on Amazon – Have Udoo do engraved SCF, CF (maybe with gold inlay), lower priced Bevel
3. Really focus on wholesale? Hire a sales person to talk to Hospitals etc
4. Really focus on collaborations with influencers? Study how Ridge did/does that
5. Set up shop in China, ship directly from China? Just handle the returns in North America
6. Sell metal rings like Ridge does

Homework:

1. Study the ads and the marketing of successful companies with similar audience

What are our 10x competitors doing?

1. ThunderFit – growing on Amazon, ship from China. Expanding on Etsy.
2. Enso – Disney
3. Groove Life – Same old, partnering with artists
4. Qalo – dying

What is Ridge doing?

1. Selling more different types of products
2. Has a marketing engine

Some products just make sense on some platforms.

1. Mini Katana makes sense on TikTok. It’s fun, silly product, perfect for that platform
2. Same with the putty product
3. Beauty products can work too, like those breast pads

Can we make TikTok work for our silicone rings?

1. It touches on fitness and beauty so, Reels, Youtube shorts would work even if TT doesn’t
2. We can make it fun too

What makes me unhappy or stressed?

1. Learning about someone more successful than me. It’s ok if they are older, or they took a longer to get there, or they have something I don’t envy them for. But if they are young, and accelerating fast, I feel bad about myself.
2. I think I’d do the same if I were with someone. If I discover someone cuter, smarter, more successful, I might feel bad about being with the person I’m with.
3. There’s that mentality of wanting to have the best, always.
4. I think that’s also why I’m very sad about aging. I want to be in the best years of my life, always.
5. As a kid, playing card games, I always loved it when I had a particular card that was the best card. The card that guarantees winning the round. I felt so happy when I played that card.
6. I also enjoyed being the best at most things. Prettiest, smartest.
7. When Elena had to donate her kidney to her daughter, I felt bad for her. That change in her body – that to me would bring me down a lot and for a long time.
8. Like with hair. It took me a long time to become ok with not having hair. And even though I felt AMAZING when I overcame it, and rode that feeling for years, these days I feel like I have reverted to my less enlightened and inspiring self. I don’t show my bald, I don’t want to. I want to grow my hair. I want to fit in.
9. It’s inspiring when people proudly rock their old age, their flaws, and their abnormalities. But I never wished to be them.
10. I’m always secretly comparing myself to someone. Do I have a prettier face or do they? Do I have a nicer body or do they? And I go through this mental gymnastic of trying to find aspects of myself that are better so I can feel better. For example, seeing photos of me and volleyball fam, I didn’t like how my face was shaped in the photos, and my small eyes. I didn’t like that Nicole looked better than me. I had to tell myself, well, my teeth are better, my tits are bigger, and my shoulders are nicer.
11. When I find out that someone is selling more than me, I’d think to myself, well, his profit is less, they are a couple so they have to split the profit so I’m still making more. And if I can’t find anything that can make me feel less bad, then, I feel inferior, and sometimes resentful.
12. Right now, we are growing. We are seeing our best month on Shopify and on Amazon. A lot of business are not growing, even shrinking. Yet, I feel bad that we are not doubling. Partly because that’s the goal I set for myself, and partly because I know other people are doubling. e.g. Jackson. When I found out about it, I felt sad and stressed.
13. In reality, last year, 2022, Knot Theory’s revenue was $1.5M CAD. First of all, it’s over $1M, so that’s amazing! Second, that means it’s $1.1M USD. And, the past 30 days, we did $171.2K USD, which is $2.054M USD run rate!
14. This means, if I keep this up for the next 12 months, we’ll have done at least $2.2M in sales (cuz Xmas and VDay), and that’s 200% GROWTH!
15. John always likes to remind me too, that I have 6 figure dividends. Last year I got about $150K in dividends. It’s all put back in, for compounding effects, but the fact is, I really don’t have to worry about money ever again in my life. And John is someone who is consistently there for me, at least, by phone and by stock management. (Physically not so much.) So I can rely on him to keep doing what he does. Well he gets paid very well for it.
16. In pretty much every way, I have a SUPER BLESSED LIFE. Seriously. I’m so lucky. And I AM grateful. I feel like I can be more grateful haha.
17. Mom is amazing, and is my rock. She is healthy and happy too. I know it won’t last forever, so I better enjoy this time.
18. My body and health are pretty good. My beauty is still holding. My youthful energy and charisma is still working. Enjoy this time.
19. I have friends that care about me. Cyndi, Nicole, Ty, John. Maybe Brian and Ronnie.
20. Volley ball fam falling apart a bit, but we still like each other.
21. Alex wants me back.
22. My back is healed and I can play spikeball and volleyball again!
23. My action coach Nick is great.
24. My RMT Rob Parry is great.

Prescription to self:

1. I think there’s beauty in helping others and contributing to the world. I will focus more on that.
2. Gratitude is a muscle. Practice it!
3. Finding something likeable about someone is also a muscle! Strength it!
4. Enjoy life! Joy attracts joy.
5. Remember, it’s a form of freedom when you free yourself from jealousy, expectations, comparisons, hate, annoyance, resistance, ego.
6. Remember, there are many versions of me within myself. It’s a matter of strengthening the version that is most compassionate, graceful, wise, joyful, happy.
7. More compassion to self and others
8. Remember that, we are all here for a good time, not a long time. Everyone ages, everyone dies. No one is always pretty. No one is always successful. No one is #1 in every way.