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Went to Brian’s Intuitives dinner last night. I wasn’t gonna go because it seemed like only a bunch of girls were going, and Masha was in the group. But then, Kenneth is going, and Masha is away. Also, Ronnie intro’d me to Karly and she didn’t know anyone, so I invited her. Then, surprisingly, Kean also wanted to come. Suddenly the dinner is star-studded haha

Put on my cute white overalls, mint green tight top, new wig, and the white bunny coat Cyndi gave me, I started walking to Joey on Burrard.

Sid was on my mind. I thought about how he’s never seen me dressed up and in makeup. Then just as I was thinking that as I was about to cross the street…I saw this guy walking towards me…kinda cute…wait….is that Sid??!!

He recognized me too, and we hugged. He picked me up, so I laughed and wrapped my legs around him like a koala. It was as sexy as a hug can be haha. And it was a long hug. It was the kind of hug I used to give Matthew when I saw him….plus a bit of a run towards him and a jump onto him. Wilson would pick me up too, but I never wrapped my legs around him. Ty did that once too, and I didn’t wrap my legs around him.

I definitely was wet for him. And I think we were both giddy.

He said he was on his way to a Joji DJ’s concert cuz his friend had a free VIP ticket for him. I asked with the VIP tix if he’ll get to make out with the DJ, he said he is an older guy so no, and that he’d make out with an older woman. Not sure if he was implying me. I said, what if the DJ insists? He then bent over and said he’d let him. I said maybe that’s why his friend invited him….”Take him not me! You can have him!” We laughed so hard.

Then he apologized for not coming back to Spikeball on Wednesday. He said he was trying to get out of a date because she looked nothing like the photos. Well…. my heart sank a bit. If I like someone, I wouldn’t be going on dates with other people. So it made me feel that he wasn’t that into me. But then, Ryan Renolds and Blake Lively were just friends and even went on double dates until one day they started dating.

He said I look great and asked if I was going on a date. I shook my head and he changed the subject quickly.

Can’t remember the lead up, but I asked, “Wait, you’re white?” He then started doing a heavy East Indian accent, even with the head roll. It was HILARIOUS. He was even funnier than I thought.

Somehow we talked about his friends calling him a coconut for being so white on the inside. He said he’s lived in the US (California?) for a long time. Interesting! The more I know about him the more I like him.

As we were parting ways, he said he’ll see me at the Halloween party. I said, I don’t think I’ll go to that one. He said he might invite people to his house, but his place can only hold 10 people, so he usually has 3 parties.

We were talking for a while and both of us had to rush off. I poked him and said “I messaged you, check!” He said, “Wait what? When?!” I was running off so I just put my hands in the air, “I dunno!”

I think I just need to be chill and not force it with Sid. We can be flirty friends for now.

With Brian, I was so into him, but now knowing what I know about him, I would not get into a relationship with him.

I ran / walked towards Joey’s. I was 5 minutes late and Brian had messaged again about the correct Joey. Karly had already arrived and was sitting inside. Brian and another girl Kate were standing outside. Most ppl were late.

Kate – dried fruits from Vietnam

Roya – works at WeWork at stationsquare, side hustle is a stylist (jewelry shoot for Mejuri, etc)

Kean – graduated from biz at UVic. Started in 2003, so he is about 4, 5 years younger than me. Worked at Used Vancouver, which turned into Used Everywhere. Got laid off. Went to Macchu Picchu. Decided to have location freedom / free lifestyle. Started a google ads buying agency. Tested optimal ways to get conversion with google ads. First client was former employer (Used Everywhere I guess) and they couldn’t afford his retainer, so he charged them a % of the growth. Grew 10% for them on first month, then ended up making so much money growing them. He was basically a growth hacker. ENTP/J!

Karly – Used to live in California. Came here met someone (who also used to work for Minikatana?) Was COO of Minikatana (did $10MM last year). No longer married, has 3 yo boy. Lives in Whiterock. Former partner had a biz called the PPS – perfect pussy system lol. (Kean said, not the perfect marriage system….the acronym would suck anyway lol). Has been “funemployed”. Didn’t go out during covid, just worked hard. Recently – divorced, quite her job, sold her company (not sure what that was). INTJ! She recently joined a biz group called Baby Bath Water….$12K USD annual, plus $6K per event. Holy shit. I said we’ll consolidate a list of men we find in this group and Hampon. Kean can help by contributing a list of men from EO haaha

Kenneth – INFJ! Selling motorcycles these days. Added hand mask to his chapstick line. Moisturize the skin line of products. Suggested that I create a new ring that’s $150 instead of $40.

Maria – Phd in biotech, discovered a molecule with her prof that can treat prostate cancer, and they are doing a startup for it. But she wants to learn elsewhere first. She applied to work at McKinsey, so she can get paid well while learning.

Karly kept saying thank you for inviting her to the dinner. She really like me and my energy! I like her too!

Having a crush on Sid means not having a crush on Brian anymore, and that was liberating! He can chat with any girl he wants. I was not jealous.

Brian was wearing the ring I gave him. (I don’t think he was on Wednesday dinner with Ronnie). He was showing it off to Karly, which was cute.

As we parted ways, Kean was going to Hanna’s so we walked together. He is pretty funny, so we had fun. We joked about Flowrider skin rejuvanation, etc. I feel like he was attracted to me…just from his interest towards me, his eye contact, etc. He is sincere and easy to talk to. He is a good guy and Hanna is lucky to have him (and be attracted to him). He walked me to my building, which was right beside Hanna’s.

I think Sid is either an ENFP or ENFJ – my ideal match. He is probably flirty with many girls though.

I want him so much.

I’m trying to apply the Gain mindset, and my manifesting ability, to maximize our chance of being together, happily ever after.

He is rare and I want him.

Who would’ve thought that one day at 43 I’d have a crush on an East Indian boy, probably in his late 20s or early 30s lol

Sid came to spikeball a couple months ago. Spikeball was all Asians and Indians and I didn’t really notice him at first.

But then the way he served was so unique, and kinda sexy, I suddenly noticed him! I was like, hold on, this guy is potentially cute!

He didn’t seem interested. When he was leaving he did come over to give me a hug though. Then, didn’t see him for a while.

Then, just recently, he showed up again, at a Sunset beach spikeball I organized. About 10, 12 people came. He said he’d be there, but I didn’t even recognize his name. When he came, I didn’t recognize him either. I thought, “Oh this guy is potentially cute, a lil bit.”

Then he started playing…and I saw the way he served….then I realized that he was that guy! I resumed my attraction towards him and would check him out once in a while.

Again he showed no sign of being interested in me. Though he made a software developer joke and it made me laugh so hard.

That was the day I ruined my socks at the Sunset beach because the sand was so rough! It was pretty funny when I discovered the giant holes in my socks….like my socks were 80% gone.

The next day, we played at Kits beach. Sid came again!

Nicole was there that day too, and that made me laugh extra hard.

Sid and I played the last game together. He has improved quite a bit. He is about the same level as me, sometimes better even! (I’m better sometimes!)

Then as everyone was leaving, he was biking home to the West End, and I was e-scootering home. I thought he’s just bike home, but he wanted to ride together, so we chatted. I couldn’t be more nonchalant when he suggested that we ride together. I don’t know why. But then when we started talking, I talked so much cuz I was nervous. I felt like I should’ve asked him some questions instead of just talking so much.

That night, I felt excited about someone for the first time in a long time. The clue was slight but I felt that the interest was mutual.

I even took a photo of BC Place when I got home and message him. But he never replied…. (I still don’t know what’s the deal with that…)

So Wednesday I played at the Sunset beach meetup playing on grass (I don’t think he came to that one), Thursday he came to the Sunset beach one I organized (playing on sand), Friday he came again to the Kits beach one even though it’s further away for him.

Saturday I practiced vollyball again the wall for like half an hour, and later that day, my back was starting to hurt like the spasm I had in the summer.

So I didn’t play for the next few days. Shane wanted to play on Tuesday, and Sid said he’d come, but it was rainy. Don’t they check the weather forecast??

Then on Saturday, I organized another one, at the Jonathan Rogers park. Very last minute, Sid said he’d come. I was a little excited. Spikeball is fun regardless, but, I liked him! I put a little bit more effort by putting on glitter sunscreen lol. I also wore pink.

Suraj gave me a ride. We laughed all the way to the park. We have fun. I have a feeling he is interested, but I’m not. I hope we can become very good friends though!

Then, someone said hi. I turned around and it was Sid! I smiled a big smile and opened my arms to give him a hug. The way he hugged me…oh my….I felt something. It felt like he put some feels into the hug. This was not a normal hug, not even like the one he gave me that first time…It was like he was enjoying the most of it….and I felt relaxed in his arms….and turned on.

He was a good height. Maybe 5’10? I thought he had a tiny belly, but when he hugged me his body felt pretty rock hard.

The rest of the day was a just super fun. He was playful! He’d tease me sometimes and I’d pretend to punch him. One time I think I punched him too hard and I had to apologize lol. Overall I was just so naturally touchy with him… I tried to not be too obvious about it, but I can’t help it.

He had this hops and ashwaganda sparkling drink and asked if anyone wanted to try it. He was standing right next to me so I think it was more like he was asking if I wanted to try it, and to be able to talk about how he got it at Tough Mudder.

Then he spent some time talking to everyone about Tough Mudder to try to gauge interest. Gosh I’d love to go….but first I have to explain my alopecia…

Towards the end of the day, Amy wanted to take a photo. I’m so glad she suggested that because now I have photos of me and Sid. I put my arms around him and Darren. But somehow we squeezed in more and he was in front of me and Darren was behind me. I basically draped myself over Sid in the pics, but we both looked pretty cute. Actually everyone looked really fun and happy.

When he showed us photos, I’d stand super close to him, my body touching his. I’m not normally like this lol.

At some point he stood really close to me too. It was like gravity.

At the same time, I felt that he was trying to seem like he wasn’t too into me. He’d seem interested in Amy and ask her questions, or he’d be paying compliments to Suraj, or he’d chat with others and almost try to not play with me. It’s hard to explain what that was about… I can feel his interest in me, but he is trying to not make it too obvious…maybe he is checking if I’m interested and if the other guys might hate him if he is too close to me.

I suppose if he was too obviously interested, it can come across as douchey or desperate?

I think he is skilled at attracting girls. You can’t be moving like that and hugging like that without some skills and experience. I bet he is good in bed too! I think he knows how to show just enough interest to leave the girl wanting more.

Oh and for some reason we got talking about our celebrity crush. I didn’t feel like saying anyone in particular, so I said I like abs. I probably should’ve said Chanin Tatum when he was in Step Up. Sid named some Cuban woman…she looked good but kinda boring. Suraj said Blake Lively because of her personality haha. I should say something like that next time. Chanin Tatum because he is funny.

Overall it was so much fun…I only wish he’d hug me again when we parted ways…but he was getting a ride from Darren and I was getting a ride from Suraj, and they just started walking away and said goodbye from far away…that was a bit weird.

When I got home he wrote in the group whatsapp how fun it was though. I posted 2 videos of the game (he was in them) and he hearted them.

There are so many things I love about Sid. I know no one is perfect, but….I’m grateful that in this moment, he is perfect, and he helps me get over Brian, and helps me feel excited about someone (about life) again! I’m savouring this moment, where he is still perfect, and he seems interested, and we are having fun, and I’m having a healthy crush on him.

I love that he is just the right amount of talkativeness and extroversion. He loves the idea of a community. He is playful! And funny! That’s soooo rare especially for a cute guy! He moves in a sexy way. He has nice body proportions, perfect height, beautiful light coloured eyes, cute smile, cute head shape, cute hair. I love how he wears his hat backwards…it just looks so cute on him.

I want him.

I’ve tried to imagine travelling around the world and going on flowriders with various guys I’ve been with – no one would fit. He fits. He seems like someone I can be with both solo and in a group.

Update:

Yesterday was the last day of Spikeball (Oct 11) before winter began. I like that I like spikeball enough that even if Sid wasn’t there it’s still super fun. But of course, I was hoping he’d show.

He wasn’t there, but while I was having fun playing, someone came over to say hi. I turned around and it was him! Omg! I gave him a big hug so quickly and enthusiastically like I hadn’t seen him in ages. I wonder if it was obvious to him and everyone else that I was into him haha

He hugged me back equally enthusiastically, and said he’ll be back. But then he never came back :'( Not sure what happened.

Thankfully I’m still quite healthily obsessed with him and I’m not too sad. A little bit though. I wish he had replied to my Whatsapp messages to him. We could’ve been talking a bunch by now! That’s another weird thing about him…how can he have missed my messages! But that’s ok. The Universe will decide I guess.

After it occurred to me that maybe he is around 15 years younger than me…I just felt that if I pursued him and we dated long term, it might not be fair to him. He seems too mentally healthy to hook up with someone 15 years older and doesn’t want kids. That’s a weird thought, isn’t it? Like I’m not giving myself credit for my worth.

I’m unusual! I’m timeless! I’m ageless! I’m energetically young – younger than most people who are chronologically younger than me. Except I’m also wise because I’m chronologically older. I’m smart, funny. We have common interests. We are possibly a great personality match. We have fun together. That should be enough. And if it wasn’t, it wouldn’t last and he can pursue a normal, average, boring person who wants kids and a mundane life lol.

Regardless of age….I’m only going to show interest, not going to chase him. He has to come to the conclusion that I’m amazing and worth chasing.

If only he was more consistent like Suraj. I think after I said to Suraj that it’s more fun when he’s at Spikeball, he reciprocated and more. He seems to either think of me as a closer friend now, or, he has developed a crush on me. I hope we stay great friends. It’s so much easier with him living close by and having money. We are talking about going to Vegas together to visit the Sphere! If only it was a trip with Sid. That would just be epic.

I think Nick, Pranav also have a crush on me. Ah well. I just want Sid.

I was in the shower and suddenly cried about John not being the one for me.

I guess deep down I really wish he was.

He is an ISTJ. Basically the opposite of what I want.

What I really want is an ENFJ I think. Like a more responsible ENFP.

I want a best friend who loves me, adores me, cheers me on, makes me laugh, laughs at my jokes, respects me so much, admires me, stimulates my thinking, gets stimulated by my ideas, is there for me, protects me and takes care of me in a thoughtful loving way, is willing to sacrifice for me, is generous with me, is super fun to be with, is super easy to be with, is interested in me.

We also have frequent and passionate sex, lasting for hours each time. He has a great stamina. He is super sexy. He desires and enjoys my body so much and I desire and enjoy his just as much. He is loving and sweet in bed.

He is loyal, ambitious, successful, good natured, good integrity, healthy outlook of life, great communicator, healthy attachment style, growth mindset.

We can have deep conversations.

Doesn’t want kids.

At least 5’8″. Good body proportions.

Has a youthful appearance, 38 to 45 years old

Has a great face shape like John or Keanu or Chanin.

Is fit and lean muscular.

Smiles and laughs.

Has that good sexual energy towards me. Me only.

Open to try new activities, enjoys (spontaneous) travels.

Knows how to enjoy life, make meaningful connections.

Has good friends.

I’m having lots of fun everyday!

I have a boyfriend that adores me, loves me, makes me laugh, and really treats me well. I adore him, love him, make him laugh, and treat him well too.

We have so much fun together, we laugh all the time together, we make each other better, we make each other’s life better.

We have so much respect for each other. We are happy and deeply in love.

We love each other’s appearances. We think so highly of each other.

We are both entrepreneurs. We are both financially free, and have the flexibility to travel. We travel to Mexico this winter, visiting the most exotic and beautiful locations in Mexico!

Next year we plan to both have more location-free time to travel abroad longer terms. We plan to go to Bali, Thailand, to visit other entrepreneurs and to enjoy each location.

Finally, I’ve found my person. Finally, someone I fully love, trust, and have fun with. My soulmate.

We almost never fight. We have an abundance of exhilarating sex. We have so much love and care for each other. We just enjoy each other’s company so much!

Finally, I get to travel around the world with the person I have so much fun with. We also take Mom and her friends along sometimes. My boyfriend is amazing at hosting and socializing.

Weather forecast had predicted 10 days of rain, but turned out it was just 3 days or so of cloudy drizzle, followed by sunshine for many days! 🙂

It felt like everyday was a bonus day. Another day to live! haha

Spikeball has been the funnest lately.

Volleyball has less action, and ever since Matin took over the group, the OG core members don’t go anymore. It’s just not as fun.

So we played spikeball on sand at Sunset beach on Thursday, where my socks were worn down to 80% holes lol. Then we played again on Friday at Kits beach, where we laughed even more.

Then Saturday, I was so tired. Nicole too. We figured it was from laughing too hard hahaha

Today, I felt sad. Maybe all the dopamine has been used up too quickly?

Or maybe it’s because of Sid or Brian.

Or maybe I have an issue. A psychological one.

On both Thursday and Friday, Sid came out. I didn’t recognize him, but then I saw the way he served, and remembered him! Since Shuto, he was the first person I felt a little something for at spikeball. He is East Indian. He looks like a normal guy….slightly cuter than average.  Wears his hat backwards, has light coloured eyes. What really made me feel something towards him was the way he served. He’d look really focused, and that turned me on. Guess I was desperate haha. This was weeks ago…I remember when he left he did come over to say goodbye, but I didn’t feel like he liked me, so shrugged it off and forgot about him.

Then he came on Thursday, nothing much. I think he might have a slight belly, but was still the cutest one there. Then he came on Friday. He made a programmer joke and that really made me laugh. I’d check him out a little bit, but still didn’t feel much from him. Then when everyone was parting ways, he’d keep bumping into me as he hugged other people (totally on purpose), and when I was about to hug either him or another guy goodbye, he cut in-between and hugged me. I said, “Sandwich!”

Then, as people were leaving, he was biking home to the West End and I was e-scootering home. I thought he was just gonna take off, but he kept finding reasons to ride with me. So we rode side by side and chatted until we reached downtown. I talked a lot and didn’t ask many questions, cuz I was nervous.

When I got home, I felt a bit excited about him. I said “Fun day!” in the group chat, and he hearted it. Then I messaged him a photo of my view of the BC Place because there was a game and I told him about my view.

Then I masturbated twice before going to sleep, and again when I woke up. Finally someone that turned me on!

I started fantasizing the possibilities between us. But…it’s been over a day and he still hasn’t replied :/

I think he just hasn’t checked, but, that’s not a good sign.

He has an accent, has an Indian belly (pretty sure), isn’t muscular, probably a Thinker not a Feeler, probably not very romantic (He said he got dragged to a date to watch Barbie), single but probably pretty actively dating, and is probably in his early 30s.

On the good part, he is sexy, funny, likely smart, quite good at spikeball, and an extrovert. Probably has a decent job as a software developer or project manager.

I can see us going on a vacation to Mexico, surfing on a wave machine. He is the only person I can see doing that with right now. Someone who will probably enjoy it, and would be fun to be around.

But, pretty sure my age and alopecia ….one of those two, will be a deal breaker.

Haven’t been feeling confident. Been ghosted so many times on Hinge.

I’m watching Indian Matchmaking as of last night. It’s so nice to see people find love. Also they all age very poorly lol.

I feel like I’m at the end of my youth, and I have to try harder and harder to stay young, and it’s just gonna get worse. Older looking, less good health….for decades to come.

I wonder how long I’ll live. I should be grateful for everyday. But at the same time, I’m thinking, if life quality is no longer good, I’m gonna check out. Return to where I came from. Be one with the source, the big warm ball of energy full of love.

Traits such as kindness, intelligence, and a great sense of humor can fuel a crush. But you don’t have to date someone to continue enjoying these aspects of their personality.

Facts:

1. We are not that compatible.
2. We already fought 3 times
3. He has a temper and so do I
4. He doesn’t compliment me
5. He rarely laughs at my jokes
6. He doesn’t make me feel smart even though I know he thinks I’m smart.
7. He thinks he is the marketing guru, instead of respecting me or complimenting me on my ideas
8. He is quite cynical
9. He is not physically passionate
10. Being around him doesn’t give me happy feelings (like Alex did)
11. He is not caring to the extend that I need a boyfriend to be. e.g. he didn’t warn me about crossing the border. He wouldn’t “take care of me” in ways such as carrying my stuff, checking in on my feelings, making sure I have a chair, etc. Things that Ronnie would do. Maybe even Alex. I need more warmth.
12. He works too much
13. He wants kids
14. He doesn’t proactively chase me
15. He doesn’t want to hang out with me one on one.
16. He is too serious and not very playful
17. Flaked out on coming to my party
18. Flaked out on hanging out with me one on one

What I like about him:

1. Smart
2. Funny
3. Gives me free courses and advice
4. Sometimes flirty
5. Cute (such an acquired taste…but yeah I find him quite cute now)

What I kept going back to is how we looked at each other when the party had ended and I already hopped on the elevator and he was outside of the elevator, and we realized that we weren’t gonna hug goodbye.

Not sure if I’m just reading too much into it, but I felt that we were staring at each other for a long while, wishing that we could hug.

At least, that was how I felt…

The next day he didn’t ask me if I had fun. Last time I went to his party…the first time…he asked. But, when I thanked him this time, he replied with a kiss emoji.. who knows if he sends that to all the other girls…but I feel that he must not have.

He largely ignored me at the party. I was kind of hurt. But then I recalled how I squealed a tiny bit when I saw Stan. Brian was right there beside me. I had just met him a second prior, and I did not squeal when I saw him lol. That could’ve made him ignore me all night. I know I would’ve if he seemed more excited to see another girl. (And actually I did ignore him completely when he sat himself beside Selene at the Hawkthorne party, despite the fact that he paid for my dinner, and flirted with me before the party). The reality was I just didn’t expect to see Stan standing right there…yet I 100% came across as I liked Stan more than I liked Brian.

Gosh I miss Alex. I want someone like Alex, but is more mentally healthy. Not avoidant. Not ADHD.

I miss Alex’s warmth.

I realized today that maybe Alex is not ENFP, but rather, ESFP. That’s funny….the opposite of Brian, INTJ.

I’ve had a lightly rough week.

Since going to Brian’s entrepreneur last Saturday, I have not been following my daily routine.

Partly because I drank caffeine juice. Partly because my feelings for him resurfaced.

Also I started snacking on Doritos and they were addictive!

Maybe also because it’s been 1.5 months since I started the routine. My rebel mind needed a vacay.

Oh and also, it’s been my period. Definitely more hungry.

Today is Saturday. I want to get back on track!

I’ve been thinking about Brian a lot. Before the party, we didn’t chat for about 2 weeks. After the party, we chatted on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. And a lot on Friday.

I’m not as horny for him anymore. He hurt my feelings a few times now.

Even now as we talk more lately, I’m not as exuberant. No more heart eyes. Not as much laughing. It’s rather subtle and he might not notice at all, but for me it’s 100% not the same.

I get so upset when I think about how he never acted on hanging out one on one with me when I told him I miss him and let him know when I can hang out.

He has shown interest in me for sure, especially early on, down to do mushroom together, asking if I was interested in taking a dance class together…then it fizzled. Then was making sure I went to ECF Live, hung around me lots at ECF Live, bought me dinner for the get together at Hawthorne, wearing the ring I gave him every day, etc.

But his effort wanes, like the tides, ebbing and flowing, and getting smaller each time.

I hated that he sat himself beside Selene. I hated that he even mentioned her at ECF Live that they have the same fashion style. I hated that he has a few other girl friends, including that Russian girl with PhD in computational biology. I hated that he invited that other girl Jasmine to MFM live event with him instead of me, and didn’t even introduce me to her. I think that last one was the worst offence.

Yes all those relationships can be platonic, and I have done my share of making him jealous unintentionally I’m sure, but, at the end of the day, one thing is clear. He never asked me out, and never even took up my offer of hanging out.

It really doesn’t matter how much he actually feels for me. He has never acted on it. And so, I need to wake up and realize he is just not that into me.

Or I have a deal breaker such as age or not wanting kids.

Or he hasn’t enough confidence to express his feelings for me. Either I’m too amazing for him or he has a micropenis.

I don’t want to dwell on it too much. I’m writing this to help ease my pain, and will let him go.

I will still reply to his messages, but I won’t message him first. I might agree to go to his events, but I most likely won’t. Unless I have a boyfriend.

I’m only going to maintain this friendship, not going to advance it.

He added Masha to the Whatsapp group, so I have even fewer reasons to go. The event was full of lame ppl tbh.

He is lame tbh. And not compatible to me.

He is very serious, not the playful kind I wanted in a boyfriend. He flaked out on my Halloween party invite without telling me. He got mad at me for bringing it up (immature and very abrasive). He goes away when I’m mad at him / he is at fault (avoidant). He lacks a sexual energy. He is cynical.

I feel that he likes me but he has somehow friendzoned me. And not even a close friend. Just a friend he invites to parties, and talks on Whatsapp with sometimes.

He is pretty fun to talk to on Whatsapp. And there are some things I want to talk about in person. But he doesn’t seem to care to. He doesn’t ask me questions. He is not curious about me. Sometimes he seems flirty, but who knows if that’s how he is with other girls too. He knows how to make friends with girls. He likes to help, which can easily be taken as being interested. That might be the case, but, a big part of it too is just ego. He thinks he is some hot shit at marketing. He never asks for my help or advice. He just dispenses them. I appreciate the advice sometimes, but girl, you are brilliant and you should be praised. Find a cute guy that gives you compliments and boosts your confidence!

Brian will never be that guy for me. The nicest thing he’s said to me was that he’ll wear my rings every day.

I feel sad just thinking about his lack of love and actions. He is a man of action. If he is not acting on it, he does not want it.

I know I don’t have to think of it this way. There are other ways to interpret his behaviors.

Let’s say it’s this:

He has a micropenis and a lack of sex drive. He is really into me but he is very afraid that I will reject him, or even expose him. He thinks I’m the best and funnest and coolest person he can possibly be with, but he holds back. He cries at night dreaming about dating me. He started this group because I said I wanted one. I said I wanted a community, and I want a boyfriend,but I want to be friends first. He is being a friend first, and building this community for me (and for him), in the hopes of being my boyfriend one day. He adores me and thinks I’m smart, fun, and super compatible with him. But he doesn’t know how to express it. I’m so charismatic, so beautiful, so sexy. He’s never met anyone like me. He doesn’t feel that he is enough for me, thus he always tries to impress me and teach me something. He doesn’t feel that he deserves me, so he drops out of my life when I’m mad at him. He wants me so bad but he is afraid to show it. He freezes when he is alone with me, so he doesn’t try. When we are surrounded by ECFers he felt less scared, but he didn’t know what to say. He just knows that he wants to be with me. He is gravitated towards me. But he is afraid that something sexual will happen between us, because he knows I need a lot of sex, and he most likely can’t satisfy me.

Delulu is the solulu, lol

Went to Brian’s “Intuitives” party yesterday.

It was reasonably fun, but I still feel weird about Brian.

I invited around 15 ppl , 10 ppl said yes, 5 cancelled last minute, 5 + Shawn’s friend Nate showed up. I like these people less now, and will never invite them to anything again. Cecilia, Alexa, Mike, Hilda & Rob.

Stan, Anton, Ty & Aida, Shawn came.

I went with Shawn and Nate. I drove. Shawn has a 23yo girlfriend again. He doesn’t look old…but he is not cute anymore for some reason. Immature still. Was gonna sit at the back of the car and left me driving alone at the front! Nate is American. He is nice, but not very interesting. They are biz partners now. And Shawn did $150K on Amazon in a recent month!

Stan was in the car behind me apparently! I’m glad he came. I still feel bad for not going to his house cooling party. I spent some time talking to him.

Anton came too. Him and Irina have a 4.5 yo daughter (Emma? Emily?) and another baby on the way. He told me about the spontaneous trips they used to go on. I’m envious of them being this couple that can travel. And he is doing well on Amazon too.

Ty and Aida got married at Burning Man! Holy shit. I’m not gonna tell Cyndi. She has not been feeling good about Ty being extra cold and uncaring toward her. And her friends all going to BM with Ty.

It’s surprising that Ty would be so cold and uncaring towards Cyn. I feel for her. At the same time, I rely on Ty to fix the App, and he has been a good friend to me, so I can’t be mean to him. It does make me feel that good guys are almost impossible to find though.

Aida was nice and at times funny yesterday. Still, she doesn’t have Cyndi’s rizz. And is not as funny. Ty seems to have gotten less funny too. But still funny.

The first 2/3 of the party I just talked to people I knew. It was fine.

At one point I joined a table and realized it was Brian’s staff. Turned out there were about 9 people that are Brian’s staff or staff’s boyfriend. I met the graphic designer and Paola the project manager, and told them Brian raved about them. They were so shocked and pleased.

Deep was sitting on one side of him. Brian’s media buyer. Matt on the other side. Matt is leaner than I remember. And more awkward. But he is nice.

That’ explains the good turnout.

Brian didn’t come to talk to me the whole night. There was a Russian girl Mariia, doing PhD at UBC (Computational Biology). I was a bit threatened that Brian might like her.

Then Selene came, with her bf. He looked ok. She didn’t put effort into this even at all. Still I felt a bit threatened.

Then when I was sitting with Brian’s staff, I saw that he was sitting very close to his girl Darryl. I was sure that he liked her, and felt threatened again.

Later on I chatted with Darryl and learned that they met through dance, she lives in Surrey, and she designs card games. Also she seems older…maybe late 30s to early 40s. I talked to her a bit and she turned out to be very cool and maybe not a threat. She designed a card game, and I totally liked it!

But basically, Brian has a lot of girls around him. Some are friends, some are staff.

At the end of the party, Ty went to say thanks to Brian. Brian was sitting with Darryl. Turned out she is an INTP. I told Brian Ty was my ENTP best friend and gave Ty a side hug.

Still, Brian never came over to stand near me like he did at ECF Live. I didn’t bother either. He didn’t even look cute. Why do I like him?!

He was wearing the ring I gave him though. And some people would be like, Oh you’re the girl who designs the rings! (I think it was his staff.)

At one point when I was standing near his finger magician friend Kevin, he put his forearms on both of us. Not his hands. His arms. They clamped by wig down so I didn’t even move. That was weird. Was it a “Hey dude” move or was it a non-platonic move?

I talked to his bubble tea protein powder friend Dave too. Dave mentioned something about spiking his protein shakes so it’s like Khalua. I said, That’s what I told Brian! And he didn’t mention my name? lol

I hugged everyone before leaving. Then as we went to the elevator, me and everyone hopped in. And Brian came over, we realized that he was going up not down, so we just said good-bye wit him outside the elevator by himself, without good-bye hugs. It was a pretty awkward moment. I felt like we looked at each other for a long moment, wishing we could at least hug each other. But that’s just my perception of it. He maybe didn’t even feel anything.

So be it. He said he wanted to be efficient that’s why he created this party. Well, if he’d rather be efficient than to hang out one on one, then he doesn’t get a hug from me lol.

I still feel resentful and vindictive towards him.

I wish I could find someone to make out with. I don’t even need to make him jealous. I just want to direct my affection towards someone worthy.

He is not worthy of my affection. He had his chance of hanging out one on one with me and he didn’t take me up on it. I’m quite sure that he just wants to be friends.

Even though I still have feelings for him, he is not boyfriend material. He is barely even friend material. I’m better off keeping a friendly distance.

I decided to say thanks to Brian for hosting the party, even though I basically don’t want to initiate any convo with him anymore. I still have etiquettes. It wasn’t easy hosting an event.

He replied with a kissing emoji. And we talked for quite a bit for the past 2 days. Aaannd I felt something for him again….

I think I just have a lot of respect for him for being an entrepreneur, and he is nice to me, and sometimes very funny – and that did it.

I need to keep reminding myself that he is not the one.

But I can’t help but dwell on this feeling.

I need to realize that if he asks me out, that’s when I need to think about him. Otherwise, he is nothing but a friend to me.

I think he has a lot of female friends. And he has a few clusters of friends. And he doesn’t want to hang out one-on-one with me, for whatever reason. The good reason is he is scared, the bad reason is he doesn’t prioritize me. Either way, I’m not gonna prioritize him.

I don’t even like the whatsapp group he’s created. I already don’t like the people in it. For example, Masha is in it.

Result I want: Find a boyfriend. Keep a friendly relationship with Brian. I want him to crush hard on me, but what’s the purpose of that? Just for my ego.

Action: So I guess I’m not gonna do anything special. Just remember that he is just a friend, nothing more. Like Ty.