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Bunny was so sad yesterday. He cried. I cried.

He says he has unconditional love for me, but I don’t have that for him.

He said some harsh things to me out of anger. I didn’t want us to be nasty. But I know he was hurt.

This morning he apologized and said maybe I was right, that he’ll find someone better for him. Somewhat cynical, but it’s an improvement. He was emotionless, then angry, and now more accepting of it.

Even on the worst day he still said have a nice day to me as he left for work. There are many things special and lovable about him.

I wish we were made for each other. That we are soul mates.  But but our conversations are boring. Our time together is ok, not amazing. We see things so differently and can never agree. We can’t get deeply connected.

I don’t know if I would’ve realized this if Sam didn’t come into my life. Norm and I didn’t have an amazing time. Our dates in the beginning were so unspectacular. I remember us sitting on park benches watching ducks. Nicolas never really had my heart. Jeffrey was super sweet but we can hardly communicate. He was a shallow and literal thinker. We didn’t even have much to say to each other. In contrast, Alex and I were pretty good. We can talk. We both liked talking. But, I didn’t really enjoy most of the conversations. I roll my eyes a lot when he talks about his bike shop that he does not work towards. I resented all the complaints about people where he is always the victim. And I didn’t care for the video games…that’s just me. I look up what he says and finds him wrong often. He doesn’t usually impress me even though he is supposed to be smart. He is not witty in front of my friends…. maybe a little bit more in the beginning of our dating….but he has been so drained for the most part.

I probably met him in the worst time of his adult life though.

Sigh. I know I should’t take him back, but how I want to just hold each other.

Everything I wanted to happen with Sam, pretty much had come true. So I hope what I want to happen with Alex can manifest too.

I want Alex to find a great roommate for April 1st. Maybe a nice girl that he can end up dating.

I want me and him to get along well and be nice to each other in our remaining time together. To be ok with hugging and eating together.

If it’s not asking too much, to be able to sleep in the same bed, and watch netflix together sometimes.

When we part ways, I hope we can wish each other well, sincerely.

I hope we’ll think fondly of each other.

It’s been really hard.

I’ve been crying many times a day.

I miss him.

But, I also know that I can’t be with him.

I don’t like that he is mean to me. Saying things out of anger. Like he’ll get rich and I won’t go anywhere. I will get rich too, and will travel and will meet my soul mate and we’ll travel together, happy, free, and passionately in love. And I want him to be rich and have his bike shop.

The true reason why we broke up, is that I don’t laugh most of the times I’m with him. I don’t feel inspired by him. And I roll my eyes a lot over things he says.

But I love the good times we’ve had! I love hugging him and kissing him. And making food together. I wish we can have some more of that.

But I also remembered wanting to get out of it. Feeling that I can’t be in a day longer. Feeling that he is such a lost cause. That he is dumb. That he is a dreamer who can’t get things done. That he justifies it. That he is the definition of a loser.

But even yesterday he made me laugh. And he did work on his bike jewelry. And I liked it when we discussed business around ocean plastics.

But I know I need to let go.

As I spend more time with Alex, my mind keeps on changing.

He is so loving. He is cute. He is loyal. He is grateful.

My mind about Sam changes too. I know he is not going to reply to my FB message anymore. It makes me sad, but I also wouldn’t know what to do if he replied.

I think about Sam but not as often now. One day I woke up thinking about how he might’ve played me, how he might’ve been messaging other women the same type of things….but I read what I wrote and looked at the timeline of things….I realized that, chances are, we have something special. His mind was on me a lot. The questions he asked me showed that I was on his mind.  Even after he’s spent time with other girls (such as his tinder date), it seems that he can’t help but get drawn to me again.

And in any case, it’s better for me to believe that I had his heart and mind.

At the same time, it doesn’t matter. Not right now.

Alex and I have a pretty amicable relationship right now. We cook together, we care about each other, we are sweet to each other.

He is easy to live with. He is grateful, always saying thank you. He is loving, always wanting and willing to please. Always carrying stuff for me, opening doors for me. He is reliable. I can count on him. He is clean. He does dishes while we cook. He does dishes when he wakes up. He insisted on doing dishes.

I really don’t have much negative to say about living with him.

But I can’t stay with him. For these reasons:

1. We don’t have intellectual conversations
2. We have very different sense of humour
3. He is uninspiring
4. He has no big goals and he does not actively pursue his goals; if I hold him accountable he rebels.
5. He gets stressed out too easily
6. His positivity seems fake and masked. He actually complains a lot.
7. He likes the dark stuff: dark news, dark movies
8. For the most part, he is not smart in a way that I can appreciate
9. He is shy and not very witty for the most part, especially around my friends and family.
10. He focuses on little things too much.

The main things are the first three things. These alone are deal breakers.

It was a miserable first week, somewhat.

My heart was still in South Africa with Sam. I did not feel in love with Alex.

But it’s been 1 week. I think Alex and I are getting better.

In the first couple days, I kept watching the video of Sam and I trying to fit into my suitcase. His laugh and my laugh – I loved them. I wanted to be with him, forever. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.

He wrote me. I waited 2 days before writing back. I said I hadn’t laughed and I missed him a lot.

He waited even more days to write me back. 3 or 4 days. He said, “I want to go back Tanya, I want to climb into suitcases and roll down stairs chasing shoes!”

He didn’t say he misses me, but I guess that’s one way of saying it. Like last time, I was at first very touched by what he wrote, then, when I thought about it more logically, I saw the ambiguity and wasn’t sure if he meant it the way I interpreted it.

Meanwhile, I was trying to lead a life with Alex.  I was disappointed in him for not taking action the whole time I was in South Africa. I thought of him as pathetic as he has had no financial foundation at his age; no savings, low current income, and no promising future income. Worse yet, he is hardly trying. I paid for half of February’s rent, so he can have peace and quiet to get work done, and he smoked and smoked weed instead.

He has his weird twitch which I wasn’t aware of before. Not sure what that is, but it worries me.

Most importantly, he doesn’t really make me laugh. He is boring in contrast to Sam.

And also very importantly, he doesn’t have a sex drive anymore. Sex is rare and didn’t come naturally.

He gets stressed out easily. He gets tired easily. Every food gives him gas or stomach ache.

Business wise, he shot down every idea I gave him. He didn’t seem smart enough to understand that I was giving him inspirations and concepts and metaphors; I wasn’t giving him exact solutions.

In terms of our connection, it is lacking too. We are not on the same page in any way.

But yesterday was better. In the morning, we had sex for the second time. He ate me out. I felt that he wasn’t as into it as in the past, but he tried. He even put on a mechanic apron to seduce me.

We made smoothies together. I worked on the couch and he researched for his articles. He didn’t write them….he promised to do them today…so we’ll see.

We cooked a chicken veggies rice dinner together. It was pretty yum.

We walked around the neighbourhood to buy some ice cream and fruits. It was nice. He looked cute. He had these light-coloured jeans that are low crotched, which remind me of Sam’s jeans. But Alex is more like a model and looks great in these clothes. He even had an Arc’Teryx jacket. He has nice clothes! I finally asked him how he has these nice clothes. He said they are hand-me-downs from Tarin. Lol.

Came back and Alex wanted me to play Fallout. I wanted to make out first. It was satisfying. We didn’t have sex, but he at me out and fingered me and sucked on my tits while I masturbated.

Then I tried to play Fallout. It was an impressive game. But I got motion sickness. I went to bed at around 10. I asked him to tuck me in. We chatted until 11pm. We discussed his business.

He shot down my ideas and was pessimistic. But one thing I like about him is that he will come around and tell me he appreciates me and he loves me.

Overall he is very loving. He tells me I’m gorgeous, he grabs my ass, he kisses often, he does most of the chores, he holds me and touches me.

The reason I chose him the first place was his ability to love in all 5 languages. Quality time, words, acts of service, touch, and gifts. Not as much for gifts but he did buy me some beautiful flowers.

I feel safe about his love being unwavering. That’s more than I can say about Sam.

I watched a TED talk this morning about how our brain has a way to synthesize happiness.  https://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy

It’s amazing how our brain will find a way to find happiness.

I know that Sam and I can’t be together (right now), and I find a way to stop banking on it.

I messaged him back after his message, but I didn’t expect him to write back. I don’t expect to have a relationship with him any time soon. Not anymore.

I’m more content and at peace with my current situation now.

But then, I really don’t think Alex and I are made for the long run, for the main reason: we don’t make each other laugh that much.

Current plan is to be with him, love him, and help him, until the lease is up. Then I want to move away. Maybe move around.

I want to find that guy who deeply loves me and vice versa. That guy who makes me laugh so hard and laughs at my jokes. That guy whom I can have so much fun with, share goals, inspire each other, rely on, and love deeply.

When I think about it, Sam is flakey, potentially full of psychological issues, focus issues, and health issues. And he is too young to be mature. Despite us having the same goals, inspiring each other, and having so much fun together. Not right now. One day perhaps.

Kent, Felix and I went seal snorkeling on Thursday! Fred came along but didn’t get on. The baby seals were adorable. They are curious and don’t know what personal space means. One poked at my GoPro! One bumped into me and I almost lost my GoPro haha.

We came back and ate some seal food at Camps Bay. Mussels, salmon, prawns. It was alright. I don’t like Camps Bay as much because we got sand blasted on the beach that time. I think that’s where I first met Sam though. Quite sure.

We went to the Milton House after, as Robert was doing the skillshare in Blockchain and music synthesis. It was quite fun. Sam was there. But so was Michelle. Her presence makes me uncomfortable. She’s always been nice to me, but she also gives off a weird vibe. Like she doesn’t like me. And she is not funny at all.

Robert and Sam were playing video games. Ashley went home for a bit. I went home to do online check-in with Berta. But we were too late and didn’t get to sit together for our flight to London.

Everyone was going to dinner at the Kloof Street House. I wasn’t hungry so I wanted to go later.

Sam showed up while I was packing. He looked nice in his white dress shirt and pale blue jeans and light grey shoes.

He saw my empty luggage and wondered if he’d fit. Haha. I laughed as I filmed him. He tried but didn’t get close.

I asked if I can try. I passed the phone to him as he filmed me. I was pretty good at it! I fit all in except my head…I think he tried to pack me in even more. We were both laughing so hard. When I watched the video, it made me happy.

He wanted to try again. He mimicked my approach, and got mostly in too! But the luggage was on its side, so I pushed him over and we both laughed. I joked that I was gonna go take a shower as I zipped him in more…Hahaha.

At dinner, we sat together again. But he was uncomfortable. He turned away from me a bit. And he was quiet. I figured it was because Michelle was at the table. But later he said he was sad. Because this chapter is coming to an end. He asked me to entertain him by showing him videos of him.

He talked to various people at the table, but eventually we’d be talking as if no one was around.

I felt sick suddenly at one point. I got up to go to the washroom and didn’t make it. I threw up three times before I got to the washroom! It was a mess.

A pretty black lady with an afro in the bathroom was really nice. She brought me a ginger ale.

I came back with vomit in my hair. Brittany stepped into my vomit in the bathroom too.

Sam had wanted to go, so Robert, Ashley, Sam and I ubered home.

Ashley was dropped off first. She was gonna fly out the next morning so we hugged goodbye.

We got home. Robert was flying out early. The boys said goodbye.

I felt sick again and threw up at the front door. Wtf! Later on I figured it was the tap water.

I went to clean up a bit, then hugged Robert goodbye. I really like him. I told him that he made this chapter so much better for me.

I then cleaned up my mess downstairs, washed my clothes, and my backpack which I puked on.

I had three imodium but I still shit my pants a little…Twice! Once when I was asleep. Oh my.

I didn’t get to bed til 5:30am. I heard Robert leave.

Told Bunny I was sick and he said just come home and I’ll take care of you. Awww.

Mom was concerned too. But after briefly talking via bad wifi, she said it didn’t sound too bad.

I was fine in the late morning. Went to buy some imodium, bought organic african coffee from Woolworth’s, and went downtown to buy more coffee from Motherland.

Everyone went to the beach then Bungalow. I took it easy and stayed home to pack. I was excited to see Bunny.

I saw Robert’s message in slack. Thanking everyone. I suddenly missed him and started crying.

Rebecca came in to say goodbye, and I was already teared up!

I was finally packed and ready to go out for a bit when people have come back to say goodbye.

Fred and Brian gave me the pickup hug. I hugged Christa and the girls too.

Then Sam emerged from the stairs. He darted into Robert’s room and took his bed.

He came over into my room at one point. Space bunny! He said. He stuck his hands into my rain boots and tried to be funny. He was sad though. It felt a bit weird…Just the two of us. Other people came into my room. I told them that I cried. Sam just quietly watched me.

Later on I went into his room and we talked for a bit. About life, love. He said to keep in touch and keep him posted about me and Alex. He referred to Alex as my husband, cynically I think. I invited him to Vancouver as some of us were talking about having a reunion. He invited me to his birthday in Malagard in Spain.

As we moved our stuff downstairs, he asked if I needed help with my luggage. I joked and asked if he carried it downstairs, would he sneak in the luggage instead. We laughed.

My luggage was heavy and he asked if he was already in it. I said yes I put his doppelganger in there.

Downstairs, I hugged more people goodbye. I was wearing my cute purple top with black shorts, and my black rain boots. Brian loved it and took a photo of me and Sam and Julia.

I hugged Sam goodbye last. Sigh.

Then I cheerily said goodbye to everyone, running to the Uber, then everyone yelled me back cause I forgot my suitcase, ahahaha.

That was a good exodus. I like being cute.

As our Uber drove away, everyone waved at us, and started running after us to eagerly say goodbye. Awwwww.

Sam kept running for like half a block. I air kissed him goodbye.

Michelle tried to record him. I would never understand their relationship. How did he manage to not piss her off with all that he does? How does she manage to not be pissed? She saw me and Sam alone in the two rooms both times. He flirts with me in front of her. It confuses me but it also worries me. What did he say to her to keep her happy? What do they do behind my back?

Something about how he was today made me feel that we have something. Made me feel that I love him. I want to be with him for the rest of my life.

If he just tells me he wants me, I would seriously consider being with him.

But he is 26. I hope that when he is 30, we’d still want each other. I fantasize about being with him one day in the near future. To be deeply in love with each other, and to be together forever.

Of course, I need to let it go, at least for now. While on the plane, Sam was on my mind. But it lessened when i remembered that he fucked at least two women in six weeks, while flirting with me. If I was single and him attached, I wonder if I’d do the same.

In any case…I felt something…And I have never been wrong.

It was a good way to wrap up the chapter! The alone time, that luggage video we recorded of each other, and how we said goodbye. Thank you my dear dear God.

Wifi is still shit at the main house, so everyone left to find co-working space early on.

I  really like Workshop 17, and asked if anyone wanted to join me. Of all people, Michelle said yes. Ugh.

I don’t have much against her, but it’s a bit uncomfortable knowing that her and Sam slept together. I guess not as much so now because Sam went back on Tinder. M and I try to be nice to each other.

Yesterday, Sam was MIA. Part of me thought that he probably was on a date. And I was right. I hung out mostly with Robert all day. He is fun, but when it’s just the two of us it’s a bit boring. At night we all went to Fred and Michelle’s SkillShare. It was surprisingly bad. The food was just bags of chips, and Michelle’s presentation was just her “thesis”, which was digital infinity, which was lame. She wanted / expected us to play with it, but it was too lame. We played the gruesome “Guts” video game that Fred motion captured instead. It was the most gory game ever! People can fight even when they’ve lost all their limbs!

Anyway, thankfully Julia and Wilhelm came too. Julia and Michelle were working together. I sat with Wil. It worked out! We can talk about Amazon stuff.

Then, Sam showed up. He sat across from me. He consistently chose me over everyone else these days, and me too. But, it’s not the same as before. I mean, I still am somewhat infatuated, but it’s controlled. I love my bunny and I can’t wait to see him.

I had my headphone on as I did boring task. Somehow we still ended up poking our heads around our laptops and chatting, and throwing sugar packets at each other.

We went to lunch. Everyone was coming, including Michelle, but thankfully Julia stayed behind and Michelle left early to bring her food.

Sitting with everyone was boring. I wanted to go for a walk in the sun. I asked if Sam wanted to come. He said Sure, why not. That made me feel that he went on a date last night. And he did.

His date invited another couple to come out, which surprised him. I’m sure they still had sex though. I kept a distance from him.

We went to see some seals. Earlier he had asked if I would’ve stayed here longer if I could, and if I was looking forward to going back to Vancouver. I said I didn’t like that it gets dangerous at night to go out alone, and I look forward to going home. But at some point I started talking about Alex and how we had a fight and I felt pessimistic about moving in with him.

We sat down somewhere and talked about it. I almost cried. He rubbed my arm.

After hearing what I said, he didn’t think I should be with Alex. He said that Alex reminded him of his ex.  She didn’t have her own dream and he imposed his travelling and working dream on her. She would agree to it first but would then rebel and not do it.

I asked if she was the self-sabotaging type, and he totally agreed. One time she almost deliberately missed her flight, and she had no money to take a cab to a hotel, nor the money to book a hotel. He did all that for her, but she complained about the hotel, so he booked her another one, but it was closed. He ended up spending 200 Euros booking her into another hotel at 4am, and she said Maybe one day you’ll learn how to treat a girl right. WTF!!!

Or one time, she suddenly wanted to do coke. He didn’t. She went out on her own, did coke with some strangers, and complained that he didn’t give her freedom.

Well, I’m amazed in many ways. First of all, that he was in love with a person like this and put up with this shit. Second, that he sounded like a good boyfriend that did his best and spoiled her. And third, I wish I could be spoiled.

Maybe younger guys are less jaded, and would do a lot for love. By the time I come across them, they don’t spoil me.

Well, Alex does treat me like a princess often though. I just need to pay attention to see it. Like, opening the door for me, renovating the place, being very attentive, doing dishes, saying sweet things.

I might be just more critical of him at the moment because I’m still infatuated with Sam.

I mentioned that I was laughing so much here (in part?) because of him, and Alex didn’t seem as funny. He said that people are funnier in the beginning. I guess that’s true.

He is also more objective today because he just had sex I think.

I think, he likes me a lot. He can’t admit it to me, because I have a boyfriend. He needed and wanted to find someone else, because he wants to love, but also because he doesn’t want to get too close to me, out of respect. That’s my interpretation of the situation.

But we do gravitate towards each other.

After we got back from long lunch break, I worked for some more and he went home.

I wanted to tell him that he seemed like a dedicated boyfriend, because I felt that he should know that I think this way of him, and I didn’t let him know this  after he told me everything he did for his ex.

So I messaged him. He said thanks for saying that.

Also, for no reason obvious to me, I mentioned that I like guys with grit because it’s not just in biz but also in relationship.

He wrote:

Thanks for saying that:blush:
I’ve enjoyed our walks and talks
You’re certainly right to get anywhere you need to have grit,
(and also a bit of wit)
But it is just as useful to know when to quit,
There’s no point going down on a sinking ship,
Be it a business or relationship!

I went on to say,

I feel it’s fate that Alex came into my life. I need to give us a fair chance at it. If it works out then great, if not, we’ll learn something. It pains me to feel that the chance is slim though.

While I was typing that he changed the subject and said he wanted to write a book about a boy who found a giant bird and rides it around to save smaller birds.

Maybe of all things I’ve influenced him on, it’s riding animals, haha.

We got home from W17, and started getting ready for the pirate boat. I happened to have brought a red bandana, and I put on a ton of eye shadow, so that worked out well!

As we arrived, Sam was so jealous of my eye shadow. He wanted some. But he only had a sharpie ahahah

He drew a skull tattoo on my arm. It was quite lame haha.

I was about to draw his eye shadow with the sharpie, but the moment it touched his eye, he said No. So instead I drew eyebrows and a goatee and a moustache. It wasn’t very well done, but it looked alright and really funny.

I then drew a curly moustache on Robert. I had practiced on Sam and did a great job on Robert! He looked just right with that moustache!

Sam and I went up to the upper deck. For some reason we just spent the whole time there together. We get along so well…sometimes I forget to socialize with other people.

It was cold so the captain gave me a ragged pirate coat to wear, which was nice of him!

We saw whales from a distance!

Brian and Pia came up. Then eventually Robert and Ashley came up.

We had some fun, then, feeling that it was almost time to get off, I went downstairs to find my bag.

Sam came down soon after.

Michelle was a bit flirty and physical with him, which annoyed me. I didn’t want to look at them.

After the boat ride, Sam wanted to go for steaks. I wasn’t very hungry, and Michelle wanted to join him, so I said maybe and then no. Christa and I were gonna go check out Shimmy! Michelle changed her mind and wanted to come with us. What!

But then they all stayed at Mitchell’s for a bit, while Christa, Fred, Dan, and I walked to Shimmy’s to see if there’s a DJ there tonight. Nope. It was dead.

Fred was taking forever to come back to hop on Uber, because he was trying to dispute yesterday’s bill with Shimmy.

Christa showed her high EQ by not getting mad at all, slipping the driver a R10, and waited for Fred to come back!

We went back to Mitchell’s. There was a semi-cute guy who used to be an engineer and now sells on Amazon. We were gonna talk had he come along to the walk to Shimmy…but he didn’t come along and he didn’t come to me after I got back to Michell’s.

I ate a bit, felt bored, and went home with Willi and Lindsay.

Right after I got home, Sam asked if I bailed. Yes, I know you miss me.

Alex is cuter lately, with more varying messages! I miss him. I’m gonna do my best to make us work out! <3

Another fun day!

Robert, Sam, Pia, Brian, Isadora, and I went to Boulder’s Beach to swim with penguins today!

It’s always fun when Sam is around.

How I want to be in love and grow old with someone who is always gonna make me laugh. And finds me funny too.

Before we leave South Africa, I want Sam to tell me that he likes me. And that he wants to be with me one day. He is too young right now, and I have a boyfriend right now. But if we can tell each other that we like each other, we can meet again. If we have alone time before we part ways, then…maybe.

Sometimes I wish I had come here single. But then I’m reminded that he is only 26, and he has slept with other people while possibly liking me. He is probably undependable. He gets bored too easily.

So back to this morning. We had a late night last night. Sam got here a bit late. Isadora forgot about the trip. But finally we hit the road.

I sat beside Sam in every Uber ride we did today. But he is less handsy today. I guess because he is sober. And hungover.

I’m glad he decided to come though. He really didn’t seem that thrilled about the penguins when we went the first time. I was surprised that he came to this one. Maybe because of me. Though today he seemed genuinely interested in the penguins.

We arrived at the snorkel gear rental first. After getting fitted, and while waiting for Uber, Sam and Brian got into a fake fight. It was hilarious.

We got to Boulders Beach, fully dressed in wetsuit, and realized that we totally overdressed haha.

We posed Charlie’s Angel style in wetsuit. On the shore, two penguins walked by like they are classy guests dressed up in tuxedos and running late for a dinner party. It was so amazing.

We went into the water. There wasn’t a lot to see in the water, but we found more land, and were able to get really close to them.

While one was grooming, I touched it! Sam was jealous haha. I told him the penguin didn’t like it though, because it didn’t give me permission to touch it. Sam was like, “Oh so you were like Dan. All handsy.” Hahaha

One penguin walked over Robert’s flippers! And two pecked at Brian’s GoPro.

We were so lucky that it was a sunny day, and it wasn’t cold! Weather forecast had said otherwise.

We ran into Ashley, Lindsay, Wilhelm, and Merlijn. They rented a car because they wanted to go to Cape of Good Hope.

Ashely has been looking a bit depressed. I can’t help but wonder if she had a crush on Sam too, and was sad to discover that he’s been a slut.

After we got back to shore, we got our camera and explored the rest of the place without touching the water! We didn’t really need the wetsuits haha.

The scenery was amazing. The rocks were beautiful. We climbed over them and went under them. The penguins were pretty comfortable around us, staying just a little bit away.

Finally Sam let me know that we had to get back. He helped me climb some of the rocks. He didn’t touch me or help me when he didn’t need to, but he was being fairly sweet. He offered to carry my fins at one point, to my surprise. I know he has 5 languages of love on his mind.

We took a bus to a train, then took the train to Muisenburg for lunch. We were starving and the food took forever.

I showed Sam and everyone the videos I took. He was thoroughly entertained. I took lots of him and he loved watching himself.

There was footage from last night. He said he was super drunk. Alcohol does remove some inhibition.  That’s probably why he touches me more when he is drunk. Or  he is hornier. I guess I’m both.

We were in the car and he started to fall asleep. He asked, “Can you tell me a story?” It makes me feel..at home. I want to be with someone whom we can tell each other stories to.

Come to think of it, I did ask Alex to tell me stories too.

I told him about the King’s Mistresses. I asked if he liked the story, he said not really…but it was interesting.

I fell asleep too. Sam woke me up as we got home. That was it. We didn’t doze off on each other’s shoulders. He didn’t even like not having space in the car…whereas I liked being cramped together so I can be physically close to him.

I want some alone time with him.

Today was an awesome day!

Some people went on the Gin Tour, I stayed home tried to get some work done, even though it’s Saturday.

Christa came over and wanted to go for a run together. I wasn’t gonna, but decided to do it.

It turned out to be a super long speed walk where we talked a lot and got to know each other well. I like her. She has a very high EQ.

We had lunch at Cafe Neo. Soaking in the sun and the yummy food (I had a mousakka and two salads).

We got back and she started working on the balcony while I worked in bed and fell asleep.

Towards the evening, everyone started planning for Christa’s bday surprise party.

I felt a bit more special having spent all day with the birthday girl, and arriving with her! Julia thought I was cooler right away. Just her though. I really shouldn’t have to impress anyone this way.

Julia put a lot of effort in though! She bought all the unicorn stuff, including a unicorn balloon! And she did boomerang of everyone.

When I walked in behind Christa, I saw Sam sitting right there. But I felt like ignoring him. I ignored him for a good half hour.

I think I was a bit mad at him. Mad at him for not even coming up last night when he came over to go to a pub with Pia, joining a bunch of people.

Mad at him for causing me to get upset, then got mad at my bunny.

Mad at him for sleeping with Michelle and that Tinder date.

Mad at him for teasing me and causing me to be infatuated and not sure how I feel about Alex. Sigh.

He came into my line of sight while I was talking to other girls. Our eyes met for a brief moment. He was trying to get a sense of whether I was mad at him perhaps?

I know I looked good, wearing my purple cropped top and purple eye shadow. He could be just horny.

I was talking and laughing and having lots of fun without him.

We found a yellow porcelain cockatiel in the kitchen, and I pretended to stroke it. Kent took a boomerang and we laughed so hard.

Sam came in and saw the boomerang. He wanted me to take one of him putting the bird down his throat. Haha. He needs to have attention on him.

Fred put an ice cube down Kent’s shirt, and he caught it on the other end with his cup! Ahahahah

I asked to do it to him too. And Brian took a video. Then, Christa came in and asked what was going on. I said, let me show you! Then Berta came in and asked the same, and I said, let me show you! Hahaha. Kent wasn’t able to put up with anymore ice cube down his shirt.

Kent was feeding everyone jagger. Robert joked that he is like a mama bird.

Julia took a boomerang of me by the unicorn as we took turns. Sam stood there and watched.

We had a conversation that his glitter was unicorn cum, and him and his son “Jobert” were jerking off unicorns. His retarded son (not sure why he makes these jokes about having 3 sons) painted the glitter on his arms. His random jokes are way funnier than Alex’s random jokes though.

At some point we were in the living room throwing party hats at each other, with Ashley in the middle. Then I stuck out my foot to get them to throw the hats on my foot. Didn’t work.

Then Sam and I got into a pillow fight where we threw pillow at each other’s face. Weird.

Then on the way out to go dancing, as we were putting shoes on, he tried to take my shoes. Somehow we were rolling around on the floor as I tried to get my shoes back and I fell on him. He was definitely horny.

Then he threw my shoes down the stairs. I threw his shoes down the stairs. We both went after them, and tried to throw the other person’s shoes down the spiral stairs. I was having a wtf moment because I didn’t see that coming and I was trying to not be as flirty with him. We were wrestling and as we half rolled down the stairs like two octopuses having sex. I was out of breath by the time we got to the bottom of the staircase!

At one point I tried to throw his shoe up the stairs, but it hit a door real loud. Thankfully there were steel bars on the door so it didn’t hit the door’s glass.

Aries we are. How come no other Aries is like that? We are two silly kids. He is 12 years younger than Norm, so he is a Goat Aries too. Yet they can’t be more different.

I went back up to get my bag, he went downstairs and just lied on the stone ledge of someone’s front yard. Kent pushed him and he fell into a push of rosemary. Hahahaa

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to come, but Krista convince him, putting his arm around her neck. He put his other arm around me and acted all wasted.

He was putting chewing gum in my mouth in the Uber. I used to think it was flirting, but now I think it could be just drunk horniness. Could be more. Who knows.

We got to the club Shimmy, and omg, it was beautiful! The blue glow, the swimming pool, and most of all, the awesome music! I was thrilled. While others were getting drinks, me and Sam were dancing. Not really grinding because I was wearing a sling bag, but it was a good moment. It reminded me of the dance me and Devan had. Devan and I were kinda a team on the dance floor.

We danced in a circle as a group. Julia clearly thought I was cool again because I was the best dancer there, I think.

I think Sam was behind me for a while. Then he was gone. I thought he went home. But he reappeared. I guessed that he was working the room and didn’t find much. There were no cute guys around. Maybe no cute girls either.

But honestly I was having so much fun I didn’t care if he was there. The music was great, the vibe was great.

At one point though, I was beside him, and he tried to lean his back onto him. I picked him up with my back. He laughed.

At this point our bags were in the middle of the dance floor, so I didn’t have my sling bag on. We grinded for maybe a second. Then we did some synchronized silly dancing with our legs.

Krista had a unicorn head band that she passed around. When it was passed to Sam, he pointed it at Kent, and Kent opened his mouth. AHHAHAHA

Sam comes and goes. That’s his pattern. Every time I thought he went home, he reappeared.

Then suddenly everyone went outside. It was gorgeous out. We sat on the lounge. Sam suddenly showed up. He sat beside me and as I tried to film Fred pole dance again. He was leaning against me with his head on my shoulder. He moved my phone around and zooming in on Dan just for fun. We both thought it started to look like a horror film.

Then Pia and Brian and Dan and maybe some others wanted to leave. They had 1 more seat in Uber. I said ok at first, then I changed my mind. I was having fun with Sam. But then Sam said, then I’m leaving! And got up. What.

Then Michelle E. and I went back on the dance floor dancing to Beyonce. We had fun.

Then Krista and the rest of the gang came back into the club. They wanted to go to a “street festival”. We were having fun there and I didn’t want to leave, but ok! Then Sam also came in. Wtf, he is still here?

As we waited for everyone to gather, Sam asked what was in my bag. Penguins? I said penguin egg. He hugged me from behind to pretend to help me warm up the egg. I said he crushed it.

I told him I played Marry Fuck Kill today (with Krista). He was intrigued. It’s called Snog Marry Avoid in the UK, which is boring. He wanted to pick the guys…and he picked Andrew and Dan. I told him that the guys I already played on were Robert, Brian, and Dan. He was so curious about my choices. And of course he guessed them right. I can tell he really wanted to know how I feel about him, but he can’t put his name in the game.

We went to the carnival, and it was awesome! It was like their Rio equivalent. But no sexiness, just bands, and people in shiny polyester band uniform haha.

The people were really cool and inclusive though! A couple people took their uniform off and gave it to us to wear! And people will come up to “dance fight” with you, even little kids!

Sam was just having a blast. He loves being in the centre of attention. He was almost swept away by the parade, immersing himself in it.

Fred got a uniform and I can tell that Sam was so jealous. Then he finally got a turn to wear it and he was so thrilled. He asked me to take photos of him. I took a video. He looked at it and said if he wasn’t him he’d hate him.

He wanted to go away to take a look around. He told me that in advance to make sure I don’t get pissed at him again. Interesting. He was doing that all night anyway.

I on the other hand seem to like to stay put. Felix walked around for even longer than Sam. Maybe it’s a guys thing? Robert stays put though.

At one point I was cold, so Sam put his polyester uniform jacket on me. He did it in a way that’s kinda sexy though. Standing behind me, draping it over my shoulders then gently squeezed my arms.

As soon as I had the uniform on, people started coming over to dance fight with me. It was too much! Haha.

We were starving and wanted to go somewhere to eat. Kent kept saying he wanted fries. Sam suddenly showed up with food in his hands. He got some food from across the street! They had really good hot dogs and samosas. Robert and I had the last ones.

It was around 2am. Sam declared that he wanted to go home (for real this time). I said yes to it, and all of us went home.

It was a fun night 🙂