My Site

I woke up this morning and decided to send the exurb1a Instance 27 video to Sam.

He liked it 🙂

He asked me what I was doing today, I said I’d work a bit, then go for a walk if he wants to join me, and then help Ashley cook our big CNY dinner (for 14 ppl!)

He was keen to go for a walk with me. First time we spent alone time together was when we walked to the beach and he interviewed me. We had a lot of fun.

We met at the intersection, away from our apartment/house. It seemed like a secret encounter. It was fine by me because I didn’t want others to join us. Also, I have a bf and I don’t want to have to explain it.

Initially we said we’d hunt for costumes, but we quickly got bored. It was cold out at the time. No sun.

We went into Mojo and he had lunch while I had a smoothie. We sat upstairs and he read me the stories and poetry he wrote. Most of them are really funny. We laughed a lot. Gosh I had such a good time. It was perfect.

He told me he writes everyday, a lot of it recorded. He used to send that to his ex everyday when they were dating. Aw. I love the way he loves someone. I wish he was mine.

We talked about other people in the Tribe, the good and bad. We both pay a lot of attention to how people behave.

The sun came out so we went to the rocky beach and lied on some rocks. It was a rocky break water (different than last time). It was narrow. He lied down, and I lied down in the opposite direction with my head beside his head, and we talked. It was fun. I liked that a lot. He is so easy and fun to talk to. No friction. Just thoughtfulness.

I put a lot of effort into looking good this time, because it felt like a date. My mohawk is growing into shape now too. He wasn’t has witty today because he was hungover from techno night last night. He went with Ashley. I don’t think Ashley is a threat. I hope not. I think he likes just me.

On the way back, we walked side by side with our arms touching. Somehow we got to talk about sex. He asked me what kind of sex I like. When he talked about the more romantic, slow sex, he slightly stroked my arm….damn.

We talked about monogamy. He said he is a devoted monogamist if he is in a relationship, but if not then he doesn’t care. I sorta sensed that. He said he takes things slow if he is serious about it, then again sexual chemistry is important.

So far we agree on these important things.

We hugged goodbye. I made it a slightly longer and sexier hug. I really like him. 2 hours didn’t seem enough.

I went back to my bedroom and no one was there! I masturbated and took a nap.

I woke up at 5pm after a 2 hour nap, and went to help Ashley. She had been the mastermind behind this dinner.

I cut some chicken and fired some pot stickers. She did the rest.

We had eggplants with garlic, glassnoodles with prawns, chicken veggies stir-fry, and restaurant baught sweet and sour pork and satay beef. Plus fortune cookies, plus tom yum, plus a cake for Isadora’s birthday, plus lots of wine.

The meal was delicious! I was so glad that it turned out well. Kudos to Ashley.

We played a game called Disturbed Bunny or something like that. It was like cards against humanity except more gross. I sat beside Sam. I started the first card. Only Sam got my guess correct, of the 14 people. He was quite thrilled.

I always got his right and he always got mine right. Brittany and I won the game at 14 points.

He didn’t like the game too much though. At one point he said to me, “I’m gonna get nightmares! Can’t we just tell stories about Spacebunny and pterodactyls?” Aw. That’s cute.

All of us chatted a bit after dinner, and I decided to go home. Sam wanted to go too. At the door, he asked Ashley if we can see the pool. The three of us went on an adventure and found the pool on the 5th floor. It was beautiful!

Julia doesn’t want us to go, probably because of the noise, so we didn’t invite others. Ashley had to snuck into her house to get her swimsuit, while Sam pretended to have forgotten his earphones and came out with half a bottle of wine. I snuck out a towel. I felt bad leaving Robert behind.

We went back up and swam in our undies. Told stories. I was tired, but it was still fun.

Sam’s body is alright, but not amazing. But it’s always his sense of humour that wins anyway.

He is thicker. For some reason I thought I’d end up with someone thicker and less tall (He is 179.5cm). Also, I just remembered that my taro card with Cat predicted two goats/sheep. He is an Aries sheep.

Ashley was locked out so she came home with me.

I felt that Sam wanted to walk home with me alone. But that was fine. It was a short walk.

He’s been chatting with girls on Tinder and is going on dates soon. Sigh. I don’t like that. I want him to like me only.

I want him to tell me that he is into me. I want to tell him to wait for me, and I’ll wait for him. He is 26 now. When he is 30, he’ll be more mature.

He just seems to be everything I’ve been looking for. But he showed up too late. He was even born too late!

Once upon the time there was a bunny. She doesn’t grow a lot of fur, but she can sometimes grow a mohawk. So we’ll call her Mohawk Bunny.

Mohawk Bunny lives in a magical rain forest, where sushi grows on trees. One day, she met a blue-eyed bunny, who lives in a magnificent tree fort.

The Blue-eyed bunny says to Mohawk bunny, Come live in my tree fort! I’ll love you forever We’ll live happily ever after.

Mohawk Bunny says,

 

 

 

I didn’t feel hung over but felt meh today.

Woke up to myself in the bedroom. Pia was in Brian’s room and Brittany was with her Brit. I masterbated 4 times thinking about Alex and Sam.

Had breakfast at Nu with everyone. Sat beside Sam. But I didn’t feel as intimate with him for some reason. I think it’s the alcohol from last night. I’m learning about my body…I laugh a lot and am much more horny when slightly drunk. And I feelt tired and meh the next day.

We went back to co-cave to listen to Maria talk about PR. She did a decent job. But people didn’t like it too much. I was the most positive. Sam even talked about a way to present that is more concise (PechaKucha). Oh man.

At the end of the presentation, Julia wanted to talk about the weekend. Sam suddenly asked me if I ever fake my identity by putting on different wigs. Like, escaping a bad date etc. I kinda like that that was the question on his mind. I took the opportunity to show him my 6-shades of Tanya photo. He liked me in brown hair. Weird.

Ashley and I went grocery shopping for our big CNY dinner tomorrow. 12 ppl have signed up. I didn’t know how to cook for 12 people. Thankfully she knew better.

On the way back, a woman said I look stunning. Like an Olympic athlete. I like that hahah.

Went to Ashley’s to drop off groceries. Fell asleep in their gorgeous apartment on their comfortable couch.

But I know that Sam was at the main house, so I made myself come back to the main house.

I found him and Robert in the cave. He was on the phone with maybe a friend, being silly as ever. Robert was learning Croasian.

When Robert is around, I’m in platonic mode with Sam.

Robert went to get changed. Sam and I chatted for a bit. At the *exact* same time we said, “I fell asleep…”. It was so surreal like lip-syncing. “Where did you fall asleep?” he asked. On Ashley’s couch. Where did you fall asleep? On your couch. Haha.

He wanted me to tell him a story again. I said, “Again? Are you a story-holic?” He started acting like he had withdrawl symptoms, until I finally said, “Once upon the time…” He relaxed a bit…I paused….he started acting up again….”In a galaxy very close by….” he relaxed again. Then having symptoms again. Then I said, “The end!” He let out a sigh of relief like he just got his fix, and said it was the best story ever.

He is just so funny. I adore him.

I realize now that he is so funny because he is quick witted, and great at acting.

We ate at the Chicken Shop. We were all gonna go to the gym, but we took too long. We were gossiping about others. Apparently Andrew didn’t like anyone. Sam acted out Andrew. Then he acted out Lauren who just loves to Instagram. It was hilarious.

He said he wants to interview them for his EQ app. I asked who he had interviewed. He said just me and Robert. I’m surprised. No Michelle?

Sam asked if we are going to more chapters. I said I’ll probably have a very different life when I’m back. I’ll be building a home. Nesting.

I talked about Alex. How I think I’m supposed to learn patience with him. I mentioned that he has all five languages of love. I don’t know why I mentioned him like that. It’s as though I wanted to shut Sam off. But I don’t. I want to spend more time with him.

I did mention that if it didn’t work out I’ll keep his apartment. I mentioned the 31st floor, downtown, right by the beach. He said he’d like that. I thought for a moment about me and him living there.

It was already 4:30 and Robert can’t go to the gym anymore. Sam was still gonna go. I didn’t want to go with him. I just didn’t feel it. I wanted to take a nap.

Sam and some people are going to the networking event tonight. Sam called it speed networking. I hope he doesn’t meet anyone cute. I know he is on Tinder, and one profile said, “Average personality, great tits” AHHAHAA

I want him to myself. I want to be with him one day. For the rest of my life.

 

 

Alex wished me happy Valentine’s day and we face timed! He looked kinda frail still. And a bit old. But it was dark. It was good to see him. He was wearing a shirt that has a Chaos theory logo, and it said I <3 YB. I asked what it was, he said, I love your butt. Ahahah. Then he said it was I love you bunny. Awww. We talked on the phone for two hours. We kinda got into a small fight because he interrupted me, but we were ok. Later in the day when it was V day in his time zone, he wished me happy V day again. He’s cute and sweet <3

Merlijn’s boyfriend got her roses. He is in Australia! Robert got his gf flowers too. I was a bit jealous that other girls got flowers, but that’s ok.

I grabbed a cheap sushi lunch from MAKE and grocery-shopped with Berta at Woolworth’s.

I was working on the balcony when Sam showed up. What a surprise! Just when I thought he never wanted to spend alone time with me.

He was way too charming. He made me laugh so hard. He wanted to interview me for his EQ project, and pretended to offer me his water in return. I said something about how the water was not super seductive. He interpreted as he wasn’t seductive, and started doing seductive things to the water.

Julia was gonna join us but left. Maybe we were laughing too hard.

He said I was a very interesting person, different than most people. I said I thought the same of him. I said he was unusual. We were both loving that I think.

I said I needed half hour to do some work. He waited, sitting on the chair in front of me, smoking his vaporizer, and wrote in his notebook. He seemed like an old soul.

He was looking into the quote I mentioned yesterday that I couldn’t quite remember. Master of my faith, Captain of my soul. I was talking about Patrick’s tattoo. He recited the poem and really liked it.

Pia and Bryan decided to sit on the balcony with us. Brittany joined too. I asked Sam if he wanted to do the interview still. He said we needed privacy. So we went for a walk. Wow that was exactly what I wanted!

We walked to a break water that had some shade. He asked me questions like, how are you, what’s a good relationship, what’s a bad relationship.

After a while, I was asking him questions, and we were both lying down with our heads on my backpack as a pillow. It was great.

I asked him why his ex-gf said he wasn’t very human. I learned that he was in love twice. Once when he was 16, dated an 18 yo girl. She wasn’t very mentally stable. But was clever. Then when he was 24, dated a 33 yo. She was also clever. They’d have debates but those sometimes turned into fights.

She didn’t have an income, and Sam was supporting her with his income. They travelled around the world.

It sounded like she was a bad person. He got her a job interview, and she didn’t even turn up. He flew to Moscow to meet up with her, and she was late. Eventually she had a mental breakdown.

Sam sounded like a passionate boyfriend. My ideal kind of guy. Oh man, I want him so bad. He seemed perfect for me.

I wanted to be on his left side, as I always do. He teased me by “rolling” over to my left side. It was super cute. He just wanted me touch him I think.

Later in the night, we all arrived at The Bungalow for Maria’s going away. It was a pretty place where we can lounge. The food was mediocre but the vibe was great.

I was laughing a lot. I don’t think I was drunk. I had a pink gin and tonic, and a champagne. Later I had a jagger, and an amarula.

Sam came over at one point to talk to me. He had a black flake on his face again, so I scraped it off for him. It was from his vaporizer peeling off.

He wanted me to tell him a story. He lied down beside me. About a donkey he said. A 7-legged donkey. I told him the story of an 8-legged donkey taking a piss. Afterwards, one leg disappeared because it was a penis. He asked to be in the story. So I said then we pan down and see that the donkey was pissing into the mouth of a lobster. And he was the lobster. He laughed.

I thought that was a pretty clever story, because it combined many jokes we had. The elephant having a huge penis that retracts, the peeing into mouths, and the lobster.

It was just so cute that he wanted me to tell him a story. That was what I asked of him when we were hiking.

Ashley joined in on our conversation.

Later, just before we went clubbing, Michelle came. Sigh. That made things less fun for me. I didn’t watch them interact, but they were interacting.

Crista also came. I like her. She put glitter on my lips.

During clubbing, a guy came to dance with me. I thought I was just getting picked because I was pretty. I can see Sam watching on the side. It got weird for me so I wanted to get rid of him.

The guy proceeded to do the same to Maria. Not sure how she got rid of him.

Then it was Michelle. After a while, Same came over and rescued her by taking her hand and led her out. It was suave and cool. But I don’t understand why he only did it for her. It made me a little sad.

The guy came back to me again, and I just wanted to leave. Sam watched from the side. Ashley grabbed my hand and led us to where Sam was standing. I like her!

Later she rescued Merlijn too!

Today was a fun day, a great day, a day of many things I wished to happen. Except for the part where Sam rescued Michelle. I’m still puzzled by that one. I’m not certain if I wanted to know more.

I left early with Brian and Pia. Some guy took my hand and wanted my number. Brian took my hand back and said “She’s with me”. And said, “Yes that’s right I have two. That’s how I roll.” Haha

I wondered how Sam was doing after I left. Found out later that Sam missed his ex so much last night he messaged her. He didn’t have that much fun. Well, that’s better I think.

 

It was Monday (Feb 12th), day after our safari trip. I felt shitty with the knowledge of Sam and Michelle (not 100% confirmed…but still I felt like shit thiking about it). I had meant to write in my journal earlier in an attempt to sort my thoughts and to come up with a way to “balance” myself so I don’t feel so shitty. I didn’t know how.

The morning / afternoon was fun. Berta was trying to dodge Dan’s stickiness so she worked with me on the couch on the balcony. We turned the sofa around so we can charge of laptops from Brian’s room. She put her legs up on the wall, and I put my legs up on both sides of the door frame into Brian’s room. It was pretty hilarious.

Later in the afternoon, Sam, Robert, and Julia all came to work on the balcony. I was not in a good mood because Maria took my adaptor. But mainly, I felt weird still about Sam.

I was lying in bed using my phone, waiting for my laptop to charge, when he came through our bedroom. He just ignored me and kept going. How rude. I felt a heated tingling sensation in his presence. I thought I was gonna be more ok.

I got the adaptor that Pia lent me to work in the outlet that’s by my bed, so I decided to work from my bed. There was no space on the balcony left anyway.

I put on my headphone and noise-cancelled the shit out of the conversation on the balcony.

I thought abuot how he always had to leave soon after I get home, and wondered why the fuck he hadn’t left yet.

For dinner I suggested 3 wise monkeys. So some of us were going.

As Sam was leaving, he asked if I was ok. I didn’t know what to say. Besides, there were people on the balcony! I just said yes. He said, are you sure? I said yes.

I was getting ready for dinner, so I asked if he was coming. Surprisingly he said yes. He just needed to go home to change.

We went to dinner. I was excited about having the poke bowl again! I really didn’t expect Sam to come. He was late, but he came! Without Robert being there even.

I did dress nicely in my turquoise wrap skirt just in case. Also I didn’t wear a wig, because on the weekend I noticed him staring at me for the first time when I wasn’t wearing a wig.

He sat beside me. We chatted a bit in private. It was clear that he was there for me.

After dinner, he awkwardly asked if anyone wanted to go for a stroll along the water. I knew he just wanted to ask me but was afraid to do it. So of course, everyone wanted to go for a stroll. Hahaha.

But it ended up being just the two of us talking while lagging behind. He asked me intimate things like love, boyfriend. He told me intimate things about himself too, like how his girlfriend broke up with him a year ago because he wasn’t human enough.

We laughed a lot and I was hot for him again. He grabbed my arms at one point and pretended to put me on a segway as we joked about stealing it. I know for sure that my skin is unusually smooth and touching it is a turn-on.

It felt like a date. I wish we’d get some alone time often.

Because Kent was around, we ended up at the Press. I wish we could just keep walking some more. We talked more as Kent was busy talking to Dan. But then Robert showed up. It was fun having him though.

Sam confessed that he gets bored easily, and is narcoleptic where he sometimes falls asleep. It does get annoying though, how he would stop listening to people half way and start checking on his phone or doing other things.

But that night I had his unattention. I can’t believe it was happening. It felt great.

I came home very confused and turned on.

He seems to really like me, but he does not want to spend alone time with me.

 

 

 

 

 

I enjoyed spending time with you last night. I like you a lot. More than I should. I’m curous about you and fascinated by you.

The day I got sick was also the day I learned about all the hookups around me, including you and Michelle. It made me sad, and made me feel like I have been clueless to everything around me.

I tried to not let it get to me but I’m not good at hiding my feelings.

Tomorrow we go on the safari!

It would’ve been good except Michelle is coming. Sigh. I hope it’ll still be good!

I don’t know what’s up with Sam. He said he’ll read to me, but he’s made no effort to.

Yesterday he was on the balcony, but left soon after I got home.

Today he was at co-cave when I came back from getting laundry. He left soon after that.

I thought for sure we’d have some alone time before the safari…I thought for sure that he likes me.

But now, I feel that I can’t expect anything.

I guess I shouldn’t expect anything.

 

I really don’t know anymore. Fred still acts the same way around me…a bit flirty, even though him and Rebecca are together (and I could never tell). Brian was telling me how I had a nice tan and that mermaid outfit worked for him, while we both know he is with Pia.

Meanwhile Michelle wants to do anything that Sam wants to do, and she seems to dislike me. This weekend she gets the whole apartment to herself. They can easily hook up. Sigh.

I don’t think the group living is a fit for me. I can’t wait to be back in Vancouver with Alex. I know there will be challenges there too, but, at least fewer threats.

Here, I have to make an effort to be seen, to be liked, to be included, to get affection even!

I want affection so much. I want it from Sam while I’m here. But I hate having to fight for it. I hate competeing for someone’s affection.

In the group, I’ve been busy working on my website, and then I was busy being sick. I feel ousted. I have to up my game a bit.

—

I finally caved last night and took two immodium pills. I felt fine today. Whew.

I talked to Brittany today about everyone hooking up. She said she’d rather hook up with people outside the tribe, because there are future chapters. Smart.

I asked her to confirm who else are together. Apparently Andrew and Maria were briefly together! What!

And then she said what I didn’t want to hear. Sam and Michelle. For sure.

SIGH. Well, good to know, before the safari.

I felt the need to talk to Mom, and thankfully she is there for me, as always. She is my angel.

She wanted to know everyone’s name. That’s cute.

She listened to me gossiping about everyone too.

I let it all out, telling her about the bad news. She wanted to see more photos of Michelle. I sent her a link to her FB profile, and learned that Michelle is 24! WTF! She looks at least 33!

Mom said she now has a closer look of everyone, and everyone is actually pretty ugly. Hahaha. That’s what I told her before.

I told Mom that I’m quite sure I would’ve easily got Sam if I was single. I look younger, I’m more sunny, and I’m more fun.

I see now why Michelle seems to dislike me. For the winery tour…the only time I can think of that we are all together….Sam spent so much time with me. Why? To avoid her? To keep it a secret? To not upset me?

If I were her I’d be pissed.

Trying to decide what to think of it all.

I mean, Sam didn’t have to hook up with Michelle. She came on strong, but he could’ve held back. But he also didn’t think he had any chance with me because I have a boyfriend. Not really his fault.

No one’s fault here at all.

But I want to be my fun, cool, attractive self. I want to enjoy this trip.

Maybe I’ll meet someone hot at the safari!

But I think Alex is meant to be in my life. I don’t know why Sam is here. Or Michelle. Ha.

If there were more Tribers like Roberts, it would be more innocent.

I simply have to continue to love Alex. He has been a bit hard to love….a bit unattractive. Sigh. I hope he becomes that guy I fell in love with again.

Alex mentioned that him and his friend made a Pilsner song 5 years ago, and Pilsner gave them a mini beer fridge, Pilsner mugs, and other free stuff. What he was trying to tell me though, was that there’s a bunny in the Pilsner label, and he can’t believe he made a beer video with a bunny in it, before he met me.

I asked to see it, he said it was silly. I found it, and it was indeed very silly. A little outdated. But, I see some talent there haha.

I praised him on his video editing skills. I told him about some of his other talents. I told him that he is smart and should use his brain. He is not just a mechanic. He has other identities, such as an entrepreneur.

He said I said such nice things to him.

I will shower him with love and praises when I move in. He needs it.

I wish he was younger. Then there’s more vitality and hope and options and time ahead. Sigh.

Lots of people here at the WifiTribe are still figuring things out, but they are young. It’s just more ok.

I hope Alex figures out his finances soon.

 

I’m still sick with this…not sure what…stomach flu?

Yesterday I thought I was better, and I had finally published my new website, yay! So I excitely joined everyone on the sea kayak tour.

In part because I thought Sam was gonna be there. But he didn’t show.

It turned out to be a fun tour no less! Robert sitting behind me on the kayak made it extra fun. He was pretty funny.

Some highlights:
1. The seal poking out of the water! Robert said he looked like he was standing on something haha. The seal just looked at us in the most comical way. Like, who the fuck are you guys?
2. A seal jumping out of the water like a dolphin!
3. Splashing water at other people
4. Robert asked, Do you want some water? And splashed me.
5. Robert hit his kayak skirt and I felt it in my skirt. I laughed and he had no idea why unti I hit my skirt and he felt it. I started hitting other ppl’s skirt. Robert kept saying how inappropriate it was.
6. I said, “Wow the wave looks so big! But then..” he said, “But then it just sucked…..that’s what she said.” ahahaha
7. As we waited impatiently for the sun to set, a wave comes over and we can’t see the sun. “Oh, the sun has set”, Robert said. “Let’s go home.” “Oh, no it hasn’t.” Kept saying that a few times. haha
8. As we got back, the waves were so big. I got a huge puddle on my skirt. I screamed, “I’m all wet between my thighs!!”, He said, “Context Tanya, context”.

I’m surprised by the sexual jokes he made. I see him as a kid. He is 13 years younger than me. Only 24. He is sweet to me, and growing up real fast. He takes care of me sometimes. I like him a lot.

He is always very content, peaceful, and funny. He doesn’t get mad. I can learn from him.

So after getting back, I felt a bit tummy sick still. I lied in bed and decided to message Sam.

I told him that we saw two pterodactyls riding a giraffe today at sea. He said I know how to make a man sad.

He asked about how I was feeling and said to let him know if there’s anything he can do.

I said he can read to me his lobster and narwhal story.

He said he thinks that can be arranged.

He then pasted the introduction poem to his story. He said he’ll read it to me soon.

I read the poem and it was fantastic. I really enjoyed it.

I got up to go to the bathroom, and felt wetness dripping down my leg. Holy shit. I didn’t realize he turned me on that much.

I went to bed just thinking about him. Fantasizing about how he might make advances with me.

Today, some of us went on a guided walking tour. I came home early because I was still sick. I was surprised to see Sam on the balcony (with Julia and …Brittany perhaps?)

I talked to them a bit. I asked if he was there to read to me but he laughed.

I went to clean up my bed so I can lie down for a bit. I heard him say that he was gonna get going. What. I was disappointed.

He came over to my door near the bathroom to say goodbye. Didn’t come very close..but at least he said goodbye. He said he hopes I’m back to myself again soon, and he’ll read to me soon.

I thought, wtf why don’t you read to me now? I need this now, while I’m sick!

But I said, Ok, and flashed a cute and shy smile. So did he.

I adore him and I adore his talents, and I think now it’s clear that we both like each other. At the same time I now completely question my ability to judge people’s fondness of each other. I never saw Pia and Brian coming. I never saw Fred and Rebecca coming either. Even AFTER knowing that they have hooked up! And while I haven’t seen Sam and Michelle together, they probably have. Who knows.

Where he has or not hooked up with others, I strongly feel that I have a hold on him. I think he really likes me.

I thought of the things he’s said.
Like when I said I liked how he said “doctor”. He was so thrilled and said he wanted to just say that word for two days.

One time he said he like Robert’s sense of humour. It brightened his day. I said, Aww…he’s your sunshine? Then he said he liked me cheery walk, it brightened his day. I said Am I your sunshine too? He agree I think. Then I said, you are my…bird shirt. He said, at least I’m something to you.

One time I said I have never had met a guy with a bird shirt, the day he wore a bird shirt. He was thrilled. Later when he came over for dinner, he cut the onion into a bunny shape. When he was leaving, I said, Thanks for cutting the onion into a bunny shape! He said, No one has ever said that to me!

The fact that he cut the onions into a bunny shape! He has to like me, right? He wanted to know if I kept it. He was thrilled that I took a photo and even named it Bunion! He laughed. When he was over he mentioned it again. He obviously like it a lot.

I know these are small things. But I feel that there’s mutual desire to espress to each other that we like and care about each other.

When I showed him my bunny Pom Pom and the giraffe, I can see he was thinking that Alex gave them to me. I said, My friend made the giraffe for me. He cautiously didn’t assume gender.

When I commented on Brian changing in front of his window, Sam fell silent. Or when I laugh at other people jokes. I think I felt his jealousy.

Sometimes he deliberately ignores me and talks to Robert. Maybe it’s his British way to act the opposite of what he feels, so as to hide it. I hope that goes away. Usually he is pretty sweet to me.

I want alone time with Sam. But I feel that he’ll make it impossible. I think he does respect the fact that I have a boyfriend.

I want him to read to me in a private setting though! Just me and him. In bed. Not with other people.

I want to get to know his mind. I’m curious about him.

I want us to be closer. And be good to each other.

My stomach didn’t feel so great after dinner last night. Dunno if it’s the meal that Robert cooked or my chicken, or the watermelon that Sam brought.

I felt so depleted all day!

I hardly ate.

In the afternoon, I said yes to Dan’s invitation to dinner. Right after me, Sam said yes. That was a nice surprise. But at the same time, it hurts to know that he (possibly) hooked up with Michelle at some point.

It didn’t work out very well tonight. He came, I was still working, and he just ignored me and talked to Robert for ten minutes. Didn’t ask how I was doing. I walked away midway through his story.

I think I acted a little bit worse than I felt. I wasn’t sure about him anymore. Alex is my love. My bunny is there for me.

Sam tried to show compassion later on. We chatted for a bit in the hallway. Robert was going out to jazz. I was partly hoping that Sam would stay. But there’s no way. He didn’t even wait for me to finish the story. He felt that he had to leave with Robert, even though he wasn’t going to jazz.

People are starting to pair up. Brian and Pia – what an unexpected pairing. Rebecca and Fred – another unexpected pairing!

It would be very painful to see Michelle and Sam pair up. But it could very well happen. I need to be prepared for it.

This is a potentially hard situation! Living with a group of people for a month. Hot bed for relationships and/or hookups. And jealousy.

It could go well or go badly for either a single person or an attached person.

Think about Merling. She was having a great time with Brian. I wasn’t sure if Brian knew that she was attached. Either way, it’d suck for Brian when Merling’s boyfriend visits us. But not so fast! He hooked up with Pia two days ago! Just before Merling comes back! What a turn of events!

Dear God, I know you have my best interest in heart. I know you love me. And I love you.

I want to have a happy memory here. I want to go back to Alex happily too, without guilt. Basically, I want to have some platonic fun with Sam. Some special moments. Know that we like each other but don’t need to act on it.

But it’s ok if we don’t. I don’t want to share my Amazon info with him anyway, haha.

But I’d love to have fun on the safari with him. I don’t want my mood to be ruined. I want it to be amped.