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Had an amazing experience with the healer Tunjung in Ubud.

Justin, Debbie and I went. It was Debbie’s second time. She raved about the first time, so we went.

I wanted to keep an open mind, and I did.

Tunjung looked like Oracle from the Matrix for sure. Younger though. Maybe in her 30s or 40s.

I asked her, I feel that I’m pretty positive and happy, but there’s a sadness. Why?

To my total surprise, she said, It’s something from when you were 12 or 13.

She asked about my relationship with my dad. I said it’s good. She asked about my relationship with my mom. I said it’s great. She said, it’s your mom. You felt a sense of abandonment when you were young.

I said how could that be. I’m an only child, and she was always there.

She said, yes physically, but not emotionally.

I didn’t quite believe it, but I started to cry. I felt so emotional…

I told her about how I lost my hair at 10. The story about how my mom excluded me from a family photo. How she stopped saying that I was beautiful. How she said she felt sorry for me. How she kept trying to find cures for me instead of telling me I was still me and I was still beautiful.

She said I should learn to have no expectations of my parents. They are just human. It was as though she read my mind. I told her that I do think that now. She said, yes, but you need to go back to that time and heal that wound.

She suggested that I meditate on this everyday, until one day I’ll feel my heart open. And the sadness will be gone.

I was amazed and impressed!

I asked her other questions, such as why I have no close friends. Am I too critical? Too judging? She said, you’re not too critical or judging, but you have a certain expectations of what close friends are like. You actually have a lot of people who love you.

1. I’m happy and positive, but there’s a certain sadness in me. What is it?
2. I’m holding back, timid and shy sometimes – in my voice, in my actions, fear of not saving enough money, fear of getting old. How can I learn to live with more confidence and be free of these worries?
3. How can I give and receive love better? Have closer relationships with friends? I feel that I hold back, I can be critical of people. I don’t have very close friends.  Sometimes I feel that people don’t want to be closer friends with me. Like they don’t have a great time around me. Do I have a negative energy? Am I too serious? Too critical? Unrelatable?
4. Will I find true, lasting love this life? What can I do to help this happen?

Last night, after blow up with Sam, I talked to Mom.

I’m so grateful for Mom.

I felt surprisingly calm though. I wasn’t deeply sad. Not that I’m aware of.

I think it’s because he’s shown me so much of his ugly side, that I’m not very attracted to him anymore.

But I want to write about this. I think it’s important to decide now how I’m going to remember us and our conversation.

1. I feel that I understand him quite well now. He has a facade, a thick mask. It is friendly and nothing bothers him. However under the mask, there is so much going on. Deep deep sadness, lack of fulfillment, suicidal thoughts, judgements of other people, judgements of self, a sensitive and traumatized child. (Maybe that was the deep pain I felt of “others” while on mushroom.) Because he was so sensitive, he had to build this thick mask.
2. He can’t open up to me, saying that he had blocked out the pain. This I don’t quite understand. How could I have cause so much pain? He is very sensitive indeed.
3. He was unhappy with my attitude about learning from him and about my progress. For example, he thought that we progressed slowly in acroyoga. I thought we progressed quickly! He went to acro just 4 or 5 times, and he based our progress on his experience with those people. This frustrates me a little, because it’s like he is saying I’m not good at it or we are not good together. I need to recognize the fact that Zach and I did the throne on first try. And that the people he met at acro probably had done it before, whereas I was starting from scratch. He was overly critical, impatient, and pessimistic of us. He masked that, but I can tell he was frustrated that day at Udara. I also need to recognize that Zach kept giving him advice and he kept not taking it. He was blaming it on us or me, when he was a large part of it too.
4. On his mask, he is patient and trying and nice and kind. But below that, he is competitive, selfish, impatient, judging, ugly. We all have qualities we try to overcome and improve upon. But I think he sweeps those under the mask, instead of transforming these qualities. It created a very bi-polar character. When his ugly traits rear their heads, he gets moody, tries to hide it.  He wants so badly to be perfect, and is frustrated that he is far from it.
5. He was very critical of me, because he is very critical of himself. This I understand. He is extra critical because he was so desperately and impatiently seeking the one, while he feels that he had found the one already (his ex) and just needs to work on her to help her become someone who he can be with forever.
6. He couldn’t leave his ex, and I think some of these things had to do with his small penis that she miraculously enjoyed. Maybe someone else had criticized him on that, and she didn’t. Also, they bond over the erratic and deeply traumatized children within them. Also, he idealize his relationship with her, saying that they felt like one. She didn’t. I’m sure. She doesn’t love him. She doesn’t love herself.
7. He really didn’t see the best sides of me. Scooter was my weakness. Verbal skills. Voice skills. Acting. Sports. Pool. I think in his eyes I was probably quite lame. And I felt inadequate. He was good at all of the above. And in all honesty, I could learn to become good at some of these things. Hence I’m motivated to improve my verbal skills, acting, and sports.
8. Is this how I saw Alex? I felt that Alex was bad at so many things, that I had more values to offer. Like, biz experience, money, ability to solve problems.
9. He did see me do better at volleyball. And I was quite good at Muay Thai and he wasn’t impressed. He was coming from the point of view of finding faults. Also he didn’t see potentials in me in becoming spiritual like him. I wasn’t all in on his passion of being spiritual. I am drawn to these spiritual things, but I don’t like to act like I’m not myself, and that I blindly accept what he was into. I feel unintelligent to do that. I think Filipa is the kind to pretend to accept it all, which is a great way to butter someone up. But she is just doing it to fit in and to attract. I approach it my way, not his way. I ask questions. He didn’t like that I even questioned it. I was opening up to new ideas, but he can’t see it and it’s not fast enough for him.
10. We really don’t communicate in the same way. I was surprised to learn that in his mind, his tried to communicate so many times and failed. Even as we talked last night, he kept saying, I just explained. When he didn’t really, from my perspective. We really are on different wavelengths. Are we even in the same Universe? We have such disparity.
11. I don’t like that he made me feel inadequate (though I’m sure I made him feel that way too). I can work on being more verbal with my compliments.
12. Usually, guys are not talkative or aware of their feelings. Women are aware and but may get moody instead of being able to verbalize it. He is a blend of moody, aware, and not talkative. A terrible blend really.

What have I learned from this experience?

1. Look for emotionally stable guys, and someone who is happily single, not tormented, not hung up on his ex.
2. Recognize facade/mask/secretiveness when I see it. A transparent person is much easier to be with.
3. A communicative person doesn’t necessarily communicate well. Find someone with whom I can communicate well with. It’s very important.
4. Patience in the person is important. Patience for the relationship. Patience to cultivate a relationship and get to know the person.
5. Acceptance. Find someone who accepts and appreciates me, is my number one fan, and vice versa.
6. Acroyoga is a good couples exercise
7. Mushrooms can be very therapeutic and life changing
8. Dance freely
9. Learn more, be more, so I can add value to the relationship

Things I want to learn:

1.  Learn to be more supportive
2. I will work on giving more praises to my partner and people in general. In public and in private
3. Improve my communication skills – voice, improv, acting lessons
4. I need to work on being less problem-solving oriented, and instead learn to make people feel loved and be able to open up to me.
5. Learn how to build a deeper connection with people. By challenging them, teaching them, introducing new experiences, laughing with them, relating to them, loving and accepting them, proving things of value (advice, food, services).

Well, we talked, and it was worse than I expected.

He came over to my room. I tried to be very honest and open with him. I told him that he broke my heart again and again and I’m numb now. I was borderline going to cry, but there were no tears.

I asked him to be open to me. He said he blocked out the painful memories and would not go into that place.

I wanted him to pin point when I made him feel that I attacked him when he tried to open up to me.

He kept refusing to go back in time.

He kept saying that he already said to me many times why I wasn’t for him. It was something about energy.

He said I should work on myself. My insecurities.

I said it’s too vague, be more specific. But he can’t.

It ended up being a very unproductive talk.

He started to get up to leave. I asked him to be more patient. He said we can try another time. I said no.

I was very mad and I chased him out. I said he was awful. I said he needed to work on himself.

But after he left, I didn’t feel super upset. I wanted to call Mom, but I wasn’t crying and my heart beat wasn’t increased.

I felt very little.

But I did have a strong urge to tell him that he has a needle dick.

It’s mean, but I want to email him that after I’m back in Vancouver.

Most likely I won’t, unless he proves to be more hurtful in the next 10 days.

This is an entry to help me turn on my happiness engine, and feel better about me and Sam.

1. He really likes me but he is resisting the feeling. He is scared and wounded, so he is quick to reject me.
2. He is incredibly sensitive and moody so we really can’t be together anyway
3. His penis is indeed very very small.
4. His touch and his kiss are both too weak. There’s no sex appeal or chemistry.
5. He had tried his best to be sweet to me. There are good moments.
6. He is hurt that I want to end our friendship completely after this, and he is pulling back now to protect himself.
7. He is sad because he came home to see me having a very deep conversation with Alex and Johan where we can’t even say hi to him. I didn’t even look at him. I know for sure this bothered him to an extent. I think it’s why he was so gloomy the next day.
8. Don’t believe in everything he says that is what he thinks. Either he doesn’t know or he is lying. For example, he said he didn’t think much of us in South Africa. Everything he said pointed to him wanting a relationship with me. If he really didn’t think that of me, it made no sense that he would suddenly want to try to date me while we are in Bali.
9. He is more hurt than I can imagine. By me an by his ex.
10. His mind is so vulnerable and a bit delusional. He doesn’t remember saying to me that he loves me. He also doesn’t remember hitting on me in South Africa.
11. Deep down I know he loves me though. And the reason why he brought up why we shouldn’t be together so many times is because he kept thinking about being together, and his fear caused him to think about all the reasons why we can’t be together. On Gili T, he said, if we do this you have to be ok with going into the dark side with me. I said, No, I don’t want to.

Sigh. I tried so hard to make this last ’til the end of the chapter, but he has really made it impossible.

What did I learn from this?

Well, what happened here was not preventable.

I didn’t know what I was getting into. I mean, I kinda knew that I should’ve waited longer before seeing him, but, maybe it’s good to know his true colour earlier than later.

I shouldn’t blame Mom for suggesting that I come here. She really didn’t know better. And she is a different person with different understanding of people.

I have grown some and learned a few things and made good friends. It’s not all lost.

I have no expectations from him now. I don’t care if we talk. It would be nice to end on a good note, but I won’t try to make it happen. Just leaving it as is.

Sam,

You’ve doomed our relationship since the day you said let’s try but not really mean it.

You never gave us a chance.

You were resisting every step of the way.

You were constantly finding all the reasons for why we shouldn’t be together. You sabotaged it further by getting deeper into a relationship with your ex.

You keep trying to communicate to me why we shouldn’t be together. You keep taking love away from our relationship, retracting more and more.

Then you blame me for not being supportive.

I would’ve been 1000% supportive, if I know that you are sincere. If I know that you are not retracting every day, finding reasons to pull back.

Think about your criticism of me. Think of all the flaws you point out, such as me not supporting you. Now think about your ex, who verbally abuses you, cheated on you, did not support you, took you for granted, leeched onto you, and continues to hinge onto you for selfish reasons. You took that shit for 2 years, but you can’t give me the benefit of the doubt, the credit for trying, the credit for good intentions, for 1 week.

I think you have absorbed a lot of her bad traits recently, and it has made you unstable, selfish, abusive.

In the pretence seeking spiritual and self improvement, you are more scared than anyone. You are more wounded than anyone.

Went to breakfast with Sam yesterday. He was grumpy. I kept my composure and asked why.

He said he was bored, and no one here stimulates him. It was rather insulting to say that to my face I thought. He felt trapped.

I said he is free to go anywhere, why would he feel trapped. I can’t remember his reply.

I asked him why he wanted to do breakfast. He said because he said so and didn’t want to flake out. I asked why he wanted to do it the first place, and he said he felt that I’d like that. And he wanted to see me in a different setting, and how we work together.

He wanted to go get a smoke and I urged him to wait half an hour. We started fighting for his wallet.

We play fought a lot. I was biting him, he was licking me, drooling on me, eating a salad off me.

He asked, Can you stop being so sexy? I said no.

We worked together for a bit. I’d touch him once in a while, and he’d touch me once in a while.

Sometimes he’d pulled me onto his lap, sometimes he’d sit on my lap :/

He asked me what part of his body he can improve upon. I said he can improve his personality. Haha.

Then more seriously, I said his body is fine, but maybe he can improve how he is in bed. I said I thought he’d be amazing in bed and an amazing kisser. He said it’s because he is holding back from me.

He still wouldn’t kiss me aside from a light peck on the lips. I think we did kiss that night when we tried to have sex…but it wasn’t good. He positioned his tongue weirdly.

At one point he asked if I’m no longer in love with him. Something like that. I said I think so, but I still want to have fun.

Still he holds back and thought that sex would change us because we are more emotionally involved. Ugh.

In a lot of ways I’m less and less attracted to him, for sure. But we had fun at breakfast.

He dropped me off at Dojo and I worked with Debbie for a little bit. It was mostly me talking to Alex behind Debbie’s back, getting him to apologize to her for being rude.

It all worked out, but I didn’t get much work done. Sigh.

In the afternoon, Sam and I went to muay thai. He said he didn’t care if I went with him, which annoyed me, but I went. I was curious. It was fun, but was hard on the knuckles so I wouldn’t do it again.

He was not having a lot of fun. He fell into a melancoly state again.

In the evening, we all gathered around Zac for poker. Sam stayed a bit and left. He was not having fun.

At dinner, he ate quickly and left.

I messaged him to ask how I can help him feel better. He didn’t reply.

I went to his room and find him, Filipa, Debbie, and Dile sitting on the balcony. It’s as though he is most free with the girls, and the girly guys.

I talked to him for a bit, but he was rather closed off to me, so I left.

I didn’t feel especially sad, but I really don’t like how his mood swings by the hour.

Today, I still thought about it.

I messaged him. I told him that if he sees me as a good friend, then he should treat me as one, and let me help.

Surprisingly he said I always attack him when he opens up to me so he doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to me.

Sigh.

Now he just posted on Canguu community that he is looking for a place starting June 1.

He has so many issues. It makes me feel very stressed. And at the same time it seems that he feels that I’m doing that to him. What the fuck.

I want us to be good. Even though he has so many issues. Even though this thing we have is short term.

Why am I here in Bali?

I wish I’m where I’m supposed to be.

I want to meet someone for me. I want to be stress-free. I want my life to be full of love, laughter, and freedom of time and money.

Dear God, I’m miserable right now. Please please have my phone working by tomorrow morning when I wake up. Please please have my credit card work.

I’m lucky I’m lucky I’m lucky.

I’m loved I’m loved I’m loved.

I saw Sam just briefly last night, when I came downstairs to get water. He happened to be in our villa talking to Jason. Filipa was sitting outside by the pool.

I didn’t really say hi…he came over to say hi, and the three of us talked for a few minutes.

He had been playing soccer, and will play more it seems. And he signed up for volunteering, I guess along with Filipa.

Filipa was playing videos loudly outside, making it almost hard to talk.

I felt sad. More sad when I saw him, than earlier today.

I’m sad that we can’t have a great time together in this chapter.

That he is hung up on his ex. That he said he will stop talking to her but started talking to her again.

That he has a very small and limp dick. I’d say, less than 10cm long, and around 2.5cm thick.

That he can be so self-centred.

That he is emotionally unavailable.

That he is much younger and in a different phase of his life.

That he is changing so much, into a person I don’t like.

That he is changing so much – mood and thinking – I have no idea what to expect the next day.

I need to think of the positives though.

He has been sweet to me when I see him.

He has been wanting to help me grow.

He can be quite gentle and thoughtful.

If he was into being with me long term, imagine having to have sex with the micro penis for the rest of my life! And his dominant, self-centric personality. And his ever changing thinking and mood.

He would be a difficult one to be with.

I need to pull myself together. Enjoy my time here.

I don’t want us to be critical of each other. I want us to be loving and caring and affectionate when we see each other.

Sometimes I think about others in the tribe. No one is in an ideal situation here. Everyone is suffering some. Sigh.

It’s nice to be cared for, but it’s important to have independence.

With Sam, I never know what’s gonna happen the next day, so I can’t count on him.

I’ve been ordering food from Motion Cafe. Tomorrow I’ll take a Go Jek scooter to play volleyball.

Dunno what to do about laundry…guess I can ask the group. Or Go Jek! I need to do some grocery shopping too…and I think I can use Go Jek for that too.

And that’s it!

Julia and Justin got on faster than anyone. Faster than Sam and I!

I think it was at Justin’s birthday that they started flirting and maybe even more. It was very cute.

But in less than 3 weeks, things had changed. Justin hardly spent time with Julia, while we were on Gili T.

Their situation is so similar to me and Sam’s. Justin said he was afraid of getting hurt, and he was afraid of hurting her. Julia said it’s ok, she can have fun or fall in love, just want to have a good time while here. (My thoughts exactly!) She said, I won’t hurt you. She didn’t think he’d hurt her.

Justin basically wasn’t able to spend more than 1 minute with Julia while we were on mushroom that day. After we are back in Canggu, she asked for a good morning kiss in the villa and didn’t get it.

Why? Why!

Julia is handling it in strides. I’m so proud of her.

I don’t understand how one can be hurt so badly that they don’t want to spend time with someone who is loving to them.

But this happens again and again….to Julia, to me, to Masha. Amazing women, not being treated fairly by wounded men. Damn those women who wounded them. Damn those fragile hearts.

In comparison, at the moment, Sam is at least better than Justin. But it’s hard to say when he might change.

3 more weeks. Be good to me Sam. Please.