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Steve has been cute. Saying all the sweet things to me, like I’m beautiful, I’m awesome, he is so looking forward to seeing me, he’s so glad we’ve met, etc.

It’s all just words for now, but I’m a sucker for nice words.

I get so horny just from that. And that he has such a toned body. And that he is so driven.

I’ve masturbated so many times. I think 3 times just today. 3 times yesterday. And even when I’m not masturbating, I’m day-dreaming about him. About making out with him.

I can’t wait! I can’t wait to kiss him and touch him.

But at the same time, I’m a bit worried. Worried that we are not sexually compatible.

I never worried about that before. Until Sam. He was a lousy kisser – his lips have no pressure. He had a tiny dick. What if Steve had something bad too! Or what if he is not happy with something about me?

I haven’t seen a topless photo of him. I do know that he has a tattoo on his shoulder though.

I hope we like kissing and making out with each other. I hope we are super into each other. I hope we also love each other’s naked bodies, and have amazing sex!!

He hasn’t been funny. Maybe cautious. Maybe he’s not funny. I don’t know…  but he is so gentle and sweet and, from what I can tell, honest, reliable, emotionally stable. And he is not boring. He is just not as weird or funny or playful as I’d want. But that’s ok. Right now I just need a gentle soul like him, to heal my wound. I appreciate him.

1. What to do next with the rings?
   1. I’ve learned a lot the past few days
   2. Define Knot Theory’s tone
   3. Define Knot Theory’s customer personas
   4. Update competitor research: Where are we at in this market place? What do our competitors have, what do they do? New comers?
   5. Based on above: What collections to come up with next? For men and women. What’s the story? What’s the packaging? What’s the differentiation?
   6. Talk to Martin about Pantone matching and opaqueness
   7. Follow up with Leo about rings
   8. Pinterest set up
   9. Website Email funnel set up
   10. Instagram shopping set up
   11. Blogging set up
   12. Marketing plan for each persona
   13. Hire a graphic designer for newsletter etc
   14. Hire a marketer to approach stores and gyms and websites
   15. Set up affiliate program
   16. Find a secondary supplier who can do advanced rings
   17. Motivate Janine. We need at least 10K audience. When that happens, she can get a bonus
2. What are the three products I want to explore?
   1. Glitter
      1. Differentiation: penis, biodegradable, our blend, story
      2. Same audience will also like: fanny pack
   2. Kegel balls
      1. Differentiation: color/style, packaging, story
      2. Some audience will also like: baby ear protection, diaper bag
   3. Baby ear protection
      1. Unicorn pink version
      2. Plastic version
      3. Baby elastic band version
3. Diaper bags – let’s see if the launch helps

I went to check out Steve’s EMS fitness studio yesterday!

It was very cool. So far I’ve been so impressed with this guy. And he is the sole owner! He did all this all by himself.

We were very polite. Not flirting really.

The buzzing from the EMS outfit made me laugh though. I felt like I was wearing a vibrator.

After the session, we talked for an hour before I realized it was already noon and had been parked one hour overdue.

Steve and I seem to get along really well. He is not especially funny so far, but we have fun.

I didn’t get an especially flirty vibe from him that day. I put a lot of time that morning into shaving my head, and putting on my make up. I showed up and he was shocked to see me in a mohawk…not in a bad way…in a neutral way I guess. But he didn’t make a comment about it. After I got home I thanked him for the session and said I’d take him out to dinner or lunch. He said he loved my energy and liked my smile. I guess Alex never wanted to compliment me on anything other than my smile. It’s the guys’ way of being more deep perhaps. Hahah.

I was pretty sore today from the EMS I think. I told him that. He said something not very funny in response. I said it could also be that I was using the super strong massager, and that thing was like a meat tenderizer. He asked “Don’t you need an operator for that?” I was…confused. Was he flirting with me? I said, “Maybe! It’s basically heavy-duty machinery.” That was super flirty of me.

He didn’t reply for the whole afternoon! I was starting to get anxious. It’s very weird. He usually replied right away. I second-guessed his flirting. Maybe he wasn’t flirting? Maybe I flirted too hard? Maybe he is on a date? Omg he could be seeing other people. Maybe he is not attracted to me and just wants to be friends?

At 9pm I started reading an article about How to not take things personally. Maybe this “be friends” thing isn’t gonna work. I’m taking this so personally.

Finally, I put my phone away and just lied there. I decided that, maybe he just had a busy day.

Just about then, he replied, “As a heavy duty mechanic by trade, I feel I’m qualified.”

WHEW. He WAS flirting! And he IS interested! Omg my insecurity.

He asked how my work is going, and he said he had a couple amazing meetings today and he can’t wait to tell me about them when we see each other again.

And then he told me that he checked out my alopecia video and thought I was awesome.

WHAAAT.

And then he said he told his mom to check it out too, and she was intrigued.

WHAAAAT!!!

He said I was special and he was glad that we met.

I wanted to cry. This guy is something else. Though so far Jeffry, Sam, and maybe Alex have all said I was special.

To think half hour ago I was in a state of pain, wondering if he liked me at all…and now learning that he likes me a lot.

I still think we shouldn’t be together, and I still don’t want to be together, because he is not funny and playful enough for me. And because he is tied to Victoria. And he kinda wants kids. These are all deal breakers.

But I would really like to spend time with him while I’m here in Victoria. I do really like him. And I want to make out with him so bad. His muscles turn me on so much. His arms. His just-the-right-size hips. His perfect height. I want to have great sex with him.

 

 

I was dreading to go on a date with Steve! Because I was busy trying to find a new product to buy, and my previous date in Vancouver turned out to be the most boring date everrr. Oh and I didn’t think he was very funny or cute.

But I got ready, and met with him at Penny Farthing on Oak Bay avenue. I’ve never been! Only once with Lynsey when it was first opened, over 15 years ago!

I stood outside a minute early and messaged to let me know that I was blonde today. He showed up, and holy shit, he was way better looking in person, he was tall (maybe 6’3 or 6’2), and his body was fucking hot. Probably hotter than Matthew’s. (I just remembered how badly I wanted to meet someone with a hot body…when there was that guy I saw on Tinder who was visiting Vancouver and had a hot body..and I tracked down his IG and followed him. Steve has a nice body, and he is also cute…not photogenic at all, but very distinct look. I liked it! He has a cute nose and high cheekbones.)

I had tea while he had a beer. Right away he said I looked good. I said so did he.

We talked about lots of things. He was easy to talk to. He started an EMS fitness studio just 4, 5 months ago, with his savings from being a heavy duty mechanic. He’s had no help from his parents from the sounds of it…been on his own since high school ended. His dad already passed away and his mom and step dad both drink a lot. He is close to one of his 2 sisters though. He is the youngest.

He is very honest and gentlemanly and does what he set out to do (becoming the owner of a fitness studio!) and is fit. I really like all these qualities about him! Oh and he doesn’t get stressed. He seems very emotionally stable to me. Oh and he eats healthy, organic. Also I just have the feeling that he’ll be really sweet to me always.

We have pretty much the exact same juice recipe! And he dated a girl who had a mohawk! And his mom has alopecia! Very interesting.

He is 36. 2 years younger. We talked about what we wanted in a relationship. And….he kinda wanted kids. That made me sad. He tried to say that if he finds his best friend and soulmate then he is ok without kids. But, I already know I won’t force him. He was not especially playful or funny, actually. And his job kinda requires him to be in Victoria. I want to live in Vancouver.

We walked to Willows beach after. Sorta in the dark. We talked about spirituality, mushrooms. He was into all that. He even foraged mushrooms. Some would oxidize and turned blue green when you open them. I asked if animals eat them. He said he is certain that squirrels eat them! Ahahahah

A couple times he said I was cute. I really enjoyed being with him, glancing at him once in a while and liking how tall he was…just the right height. And his nice cheekbones. We laughed and talked ’til 11:30. 4.5 hour date. Not bad.

I gave him a hug in front of our house. I was on the sidewalk and he was on the road, so it was a good height difference to hug. He held me under my leather backpack, which was right above, almost my ass. We had a longish hug. He asked to see me again. I said sure. He messaged to say that he had a good time. The usual.

I masturbated that night. And it feels like for the first time since Matthew, I had a good orgasm. I had three more today. I imagined being in his strong arms. I imagined him eating me out, biting my neck, and that we have passionate sex. I feel that we’d have amazing sexual chemistry.

I want to try out his EMS technology. Because it’s supposed to rejuvenate your long and short twitch muscles. But I can only be his friend. Sigh. I’m ok with that I think. If he was really funny and playful, then I might not be ok with it. He seems like a purist though…which Tunjung said is the type of guys that is good for me.

In any case, I had a good time. It was a great date!

I find it harder to be around Mom since I got back from Bali. There’s nothing new about how I feel about her, but I’m more annoyed this time it seems.

1. I find her way too opinionated.
   1. e.g. I came out of the ferry. She had prepped me tea and food. I told her I bought a coke. She said, “You’ve grown so much acne and you’re drinking coke?” I have not had any coke in front of her for probably 9 years. I have maybe had 3 cokes in 9 years. What’s with this judgement? What’s with the acne comment? I just got back from Bali. My skin is terrible from all the sunscreen I think. But it’s so untactful of her to say any of these things. It annoys the hell out of me. I don’t want to say, “Listen, this is how I feel when you do this,” because then she’d have to feel extra careful around me. But that’s the kind of person she’s turned me into. Being too careful in order to not elicit opinions. Feeling that I’d rather not do certain things so I wouldn’t have to listen to her fucking opinions.  They are thoughtless comments. Brain farts. I resent that.
   2. e.g. When someone cute visits us, like Mark, she told everyone that I took forever getting ready. Why did she do that? To embarrass me? To flatter Mark? What a fucking teenager.
   3. I under-react because she over-reacts. I wish I could be more normal around her – get excited without feeling like a negative comment will be made.
2. I find her wasting time talking and thinking about the tiniest things
   1. She tells the most boring stories about the tiniest things

What do I do?

I mean, she is not controlling. She just talks out loud. All her thoughts and opinions. I should not take it personally. I’ll just let it roll over my back and do my own thing. Let my actions and attitude do the talking.

Focus on her positive traits. She is thoughtful a lot of the times. Spoils me. Loves me. Supportive of me. And allows me to tell her a lot of things without being judging or opinionated actually. That’s why I feel I can talk to her freely.

Understand that certain experiences probably led her become this way. 

Maybe expose her to more new, fun experiences so she doesn’t sweat the small things.

I fell asleep last night, before it was bed time.

I was buried in my fluffy blanket. My ears were covered by it.

Suddenly I was half awake. I saw the blue blanket, on my left side, in my peripheral vision. I thought I was lying on a guy, who was wearing jeans, and had his leg up, pointing at the ceiling.

I was so convinced that it was real.

I could feel him. His heartbeat, his presence.

I asked in a surprised tone, “You are here?!”

He said yes.

I woke up.

It was so surreal.

I wasn’t sure who that was. It could’ve been Norm, or my next boyfriend. Or my husband. Or my soulmate. I hope it’s my husband / soulmate.

I don’t think about Sam as much and as emotionally now. It’s better now.

I do have the Lady Gaga song in my head though. A million reasons.

Today at times I felt sad that he had the entrepreneurship I wanted, and his projects are ones that I’d love to work on with him. And for a moment I thought, what a shame that we can’t build our dreams together. But then I remember his complexity, his darkness, and his tiny dick.

Part of me feels that the tiny dick is something I can get over. But really I’d much rather be with someone with a beautiful dick. His dick was no just small, but also tapered and smooth…I felt a little grossed out by it.

I’ve been chatting with a few guys on Tinder, Bumble, and Inner Circle. None of them impresses me so far….except maybe Tyler, a structural engineer who is somewhat funny.

I hope to find someone as funny as Sam or Alex O.. Something about these British guys. I realized today that Benedict Cumberbatch reminds me so much of Sam and Arthur combined. He is oddly attractive. Not overly attractive though.

I feel very lonely and at times desperate to find my forever partner. Or even just the interim partner that Tunjung had said I’d meet.. She said I’d meet two and then the third one would be long term.

At times I’m quite happy to be single. My non-single friends aren’t having more fun at all. Look at Anna and Wilson (Wilson keeps joking about having a threesome with me), Cyn and Ty (They are engaged now…but they are bored with each other too), Stan and Lana (Stan doesn’t even love her..). Ken Takagi. Brandon Young.

When partnered up, you worry about losing each other too.

I hope I won’t have to worry about that too much. I hope these upcoming relationships don’t hurt too much.

And if Tunjung is wrong…if I’m just gonna be single forever…well, so be it.

Mom and Dad are happily single.

But Debbie is happy with her boyfriend. Maybe Darlene and her hubby too (with a tone of sadness though). Oh and Tom and Bec! Maybe Vanessa and Anthony..not sure. Oh and Jen Chiu and her husband. Yes, they are still happily married.

I hope to find you soon, my love <3 <3

 

Been back 4 days now. The jet-lag struggle is real. I haven’t been trying very hard to correct it though. Just taking life easy. I’ve been easy on myself. I need time to heal.

Gotta love myself HARD! Hahaha

I’ve been posting  on FB and IG a bit much haha. But that’s ok. Getting more familiar with IG, and need to get those Bali pics up.

I check these two sites so many times a day, along with CashCowPro for Amazon sales. These are my source of tiny doses of endorphins throughout the day.

I also swipe Tinder and Bumble so religiously. I managed to connect with two entrepreneurs so far. They don’t seem too fun, but might be good to meet up and talk to anyway.

Sometimes I suddenly think about Sam, mostly the bad which angered me or made me sad. I tried to let it pass. Sometimes it’s the good. I tried to let that pass too.

It’s getting easier each day.

I really need to come to the understanding that we are soooo different, like two different species. We hurt each other in ways that we can’t even comprehend.

But, it’s all over now. Time to move on to the next person, the better person, the good person, for me 🙂

I listen to Lady Gaga’s a million reasons for a while. It’s still in my head. It somehow makes me think of me and him. A million reasons why we can’t be together, but if we wanted to, there could’ve been a chance.

But like I said to Berta, we haven’t even addressed the tiny dick issue! There are so many other issues to resolve, we can’t even say, Well, everything is amazing, except for this tiny dick issue.

—

June 20th at 1pm. Don’t want to make a new post since I wrote the above at 4am today 🙂

I’ve been watching pornhub. It’s somewhat satisfying. Too bad I can’t be loud.

I just thought about Sam and F and it pissed me off again.

Stay calm.

Sam did love me. He is just messed up.

Him and F may or may not have anything. He has a low bar, to be honest. He was drawn to you because you make him laugh. You and him have a happy bond. You were always bonded via happiness. Him and her, they bonded via cigarette and sadness and darkness, if they were bonded at all. You also left him no choice as he had no one else to bond with. Plus they are neighbours.

It’s just not meant to be.

You are meant to be with someone much much better for you! Someone who is kind, loving, patient, and stable. Someone who has a nice, good-sized dick. Not Sam’s wilted, puny, malnourished dick.

There’s so much to him that you can’t relate, so don’t get hung up on when he liked you, how much, how little, when he stopped, etc. There’s much going on in his head, and lots of it is complex and dark.

Just know that, you did get what you wanted. You wanted him to be attracted to you, to find you hard to resist, to care about you, to love you, to lust for you. You wondered if he liked you in South Africa. He did.

He did a lot for you. As much as he denied his feelings for you, he did do a lot. Don’t just take what he says in its face value. He loved you more than he realized or willing to show. If he didn’t love you so much, he wouldn’t have let you in on his dark side, his secrets. He wouldn’t have cried in front of you.

He thought about marriage with you actually. He wouldn’t admit it, and he probably didn’t know…but deep down, he wanted a life with you. He admired you. He was just so full of stress, projection, loss, wound, jealousy, contempt, and darkness. He can’t be with someone like you. He is broken. Too broken.

He wanted so bad for you to be gentle with him, so be careful with him. He wanted so bad to be with you. But he kept on observing ways that he could be hurt, and how it could end badly, and he created that reality.

Don’t let F cloud your judgement of what you and Sam had. She is messed up. She is fake and private and wounded. Much like Sam, but she has a worse intention, perhaps.

It does not matter what she is now. Just let her go. Don’t let her get inside your mind. Love yourself enough to give yourself this peace and protection.

Sam did so much that you didn’t notice or express at the time.

Learn to appreciate more.

Learn to take it slow.

Learn to only enter into a relationship where there is no unescapable stress from the group, no ex-baggages, no mental illness.

Enter a relationship with someone who is clearly loving, clearly interested, clearly stable. Someone fun, someone who goals align with yours, someone playful and will make you happy day to day, someone who is location and financially independent, someone who laughs wholeheartedly, someone who is wholehearted, someone who is genuine and kind and transparent, someone who is open-minded and encouraging towards you, someone who is inspiring and is inspired by you. Someone who is sincere, loyal, and deeply in love with you :))

When I got mad at Alex about not coming to pick me up at the airport

Why did I get mad? I didn’t like that he was being insincere, unfocused, unthoughtful. I really really wanted to have a sexy time with him on the phone before I flew off. I really really wanted to have a perfect reunion at the airport and didn’t appreciate the imperfection

When I got mad at Nicolas about not giving me attention when I tried to tell him about my alopecia. I think that’s fair.

When I got mad at him for being selfish at the Make-It show. Probably fair too.

Sometimes I expect perfection.

Also, I was losing respect for him…I didn’t like him very much. I didn’t like how he looked. I didn’t like his sense of humour. I didn’t like this stupid Halloween costume idea. I didn’t like how much he relied on me.

When I got mad at Idriss for snapping at me for looking at his screen.

I was really mad because he assumed the worst of me. Maybe that was what Mom did to me so there was a wound there. I hate being misunderstood.
Recognize that some people do that. Remind them of circumstance v.s character.
Practice not doing it yourself. You don’t want to influence other to make them think the worst in me or other people. Assume “bad circumstance” instead of “bad character”.

I was really mad because he snapped at me. He didn’t need to do that. Dad was snappy when I was a kid. No patience. I hated that.
https://www.livehappy.com/relationships/5-tactics-coping-cranky-people

Never get suddenly really mad at someone. Always think of possible circumstance that explains the situation, so that I need no be upset. Think about the possibility that I was overreacting, or I had a wound, or they had a wound.

What to say to someone who is being bullied:

What To Say To Someone Who Is Being Bullied

I wrote the below on the plane. But now at a Lopiluwak cafe, I’m feeling better. I had this thought:

Sam and I we both tried our best, but we seem to constantly hurt each other unintentionally

---

Flying back now to Canada. I still think about what happened. It’s such a mental assault. I wish I could stop thinking about him and the pain that he caused me. But I’m writing now. I hope that writing will help. I think it’ll help more than just sitting here and thinking too much. I want to sort my thoughts.

Why do I keep going back to thinking about him? What exactly do I think about?

Well, I just retrace some of our interactions and wondered if something could’ve been done to fix it. But that time has all passed now.

I also think about, what if he writes to me and what if I write to him. Well, that’s also quite pointless to think about. I’m not going to write to him, and he is not going to write to me.

I guess in the back of my mind I’m thinking, he is not going to write to me now, but he might write to me later. He might realize at some point down the road that he really was to blame, and that he will apologize.

But do I really need that apology? I kind of know that he feels bad already. I kind of know that he will feel worse and worse down the road.

Do I want to interact with him in the future? No.

Let’s say he apologizes. Does that give me a peace of mind? No. Peace of mind comes from me, not him.

So what if he feels bad? Or not? So what if he cares? Or not?

None of these matter. i don’t want him in my life

The reason why I don’t want him in my life is because he will only cause more harm than good.

Best case scenario, he says, Tanya, I was afraid to love you but I actually do love you. Let’s try again. Let’s communicate better this time. I’m more mature now.

Would I really want that? No! His dick is waaaay too small. He has mood swings. He is mentally unstable. He has no patience. He has no self control. He has no grit. He is self centred. He is self righteous.

Other things he can potentially fix, such as being wounded by his ex…the wound can potentially heal. But, first of all, I honestly doubt it. The next person will still live in the shadow of his idealization of his ex, who is a piece of shit really. Or maybe just in his mind, because he painted the picture for me. She is a piece of shit and he is all over that.

Second, the dick size is not fixable. Mood swings are not fixable. I think genetics are not on his side. I think his has the depression genes.

So, Tanya, when you think logically, you have no more dealings with him. You don’t need to hear from him. Just block him in every way.

Yes, you can keep the good memories. And no, you don’t need to let him know that you blocked him. And no, you don’t need to seek revenge by telling him that he has a needle dick or any of the above that you wrote.

Tanya, be a good person, for the next great guy you meet. Learn from this experience instead of being wounded. Show that you take the high road instead of getting nasty.

Ok, once you know this, don’t you feel more relieved? Don’t you feel better? Yes.

When you think about the past, an experience you had with him, just think, how will I gain from this for my next relationship?

Remember some good things about him, and let him go. Don’t go around and harm others just because you are hurt. That’s one thing I can learn. Wounded people hurt other people!

So, some good things.

I adored that he tried to teach me to ride a scooter. He showed patience.

I adored that he took my fins off for me when I was by the boat. He showed tenderness.

I adored that he took good care of me when I was on mushroom. I liked showing that I needed him, and I liked that he was there for me. I remember getting up, all wobbly; I looked around and asked, where is Sam? And there he was, ready to be with me. He stood up and suggested that we walk somewhere alone. He pleasured me. We danced freely. I laughed a lot. He wanted to go back with me and have sex. He really tried to be good to me. He showed effort, and attraction, and love.

There are, at the same time, a million terrible things about him. But, I won’t think about them now. We’ll just go with one thing – the extremely tiny dick.

His tiny dick – it is there to help you not feel such a sense of loss. A sense of how it could be between us, if all stars aligned and if we can be a match.

Imagine if you didn’t come to Bali. You would’ve still been wondering what could’ve been between you and him. Fantasizing about being with him forever. Not knowing that he sucks in bed and has a tiny wiener. And 3 years later, when you finally do meet, you learn that he has changed so much, into someone who you don’t love and can’t love and won’t love you back.

At least now, I know.

Sam has been affecting my mood so much. I don’t like it. At the same time, I think I’m a bit hooked on it. I don’t like that either.

I will write this, but I don’t want to spend too much time on this. He’s taken up enough of my time.

That day, he agreed to talk, he came over to my room. We talked. He wouldn’t open up to me. We both lost patience. He started to leave. I got mad. I told him that he is an awful person. I was so mad, I chased him downstairs.

The next day, at Justin’s going away at that pizza place, I ignored him. He tried to say hi and ask how I was. I shrugged. He tried to sit near me, with Berta in between.

Thankfully Bella was there. I was telling her about how we heard her having sex with Johan, and she laughed. I told her about Sam, how we didn’t really have sex. She laughed. I told her that Sam was small. She laughed too. I told her about his craziness. She said, don’t bother with this guy.

I got some joy out of making Bella laugh so much in front of Sam. For that I was entertaining and that I didn’t seem as affected. I also got some joy out of looking really good and while Sam was chatting with Issa, Issa was like, wow. Oh and I was talking to Ricardo, a guy that Filipa met in Dojo. We had a good chat too, in front of Sam. But who knows how he felt. We think so differently.

The next day, he came over to try to talk. I was surprised, but not too surprised. He can’t stand that we are on bad terms, and I think it’s because he cares so much about what other people think, and that he didn’t want other people to think badly of him.

He also really wanted to know what happened during my healing session with Tunjung. I knew he would be curious. I told him. I cried as I told him.

He mentioned how he opened up to me about his suicidal thoughts, and I wasn’t supportive. That made me want to cry. He was right. I was glad he opened up to me.

Then he mentioned that he was really scared when I was mad at him during the first days. I wanted to comment on that. Not sure what happened to that thread of conversation.

Then he mentioned how he thinks that us being together makes other people not want to connect with him.

I said I thought he was wrong.

He was suddenly furious. He got really close to me to tell me to never do that again, and he stormed off.

I told him I was half joking. But, it wasn’t the truth. I just didn’t think as serious of these things as he does.

I was glad that he opened up to me, but I was not sure how to proceed with us. Wtf was that and how do I go from there?

I wrote a lot to him….but didn’t send it.

I went surfing instead and was enjoying it the past two days.

I was writing my journal about Tunjung, and decided to send Sam an email after all. I removed the parts about how he made me feel insecure, and the parts about him storming off. I only sent him the part about his suicidal thoughts….how I was sorry that I wasn’t very supportive. I didn’t want to judge. I didn’t want to tell him more about where I was coming from. It’s fine. There’s no point. Maybe it’s the “so you know” part of me that Tunjung mentioned, and I need to tone that down. The email was mostly just about him. I googled on how to console someone who has had suicidal thoughts. I’m supposed to let them know that I don’t want them to die, I care about them, and I’m glad they are still here.  Maybe I should do that for Norm.

Come to think of it, Norm, Nicolas, Alex have all tried to kill themselves. Either it’s really common, or I attract them. But most of these were from the past, not relating to me. Maybe I’m drawn to them?

Anyway, I sent that email. I felt proud of myself. I cried as I was polishing up that part. I cried as I thought about him wanting to kill himself.

Facebook was full of ads and posts about depression and suicide.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he has depression. His mom has it.

I told him I value him and have a lot of love for him.

It’s true.

I still like him a lot. I like his voice, his sense of humour. His fashion style has grown on me too, and the way he moves.

Funny how, his small dick doesn’t come to mind too much. I crave his physical intimacy, despite all that small dick, which I couldn’t even really look at.

I think physical intimacy is such a big one for me. If someone doesn’t want to get sexy with me, I feel so rejected. If someone does want to get sexy, I feel happy, even if they are lacking in other ways…like with Matthew.

I shouldn’t make physical intimacy such a big deal though. Some people care more about the mental connection, emotional support and understanding.

4 days left. 3 days technically.

I don’t want to have more to do with Sam, unless he wants to be physically intimate.

Honestly, he’s rejected me on every level. Physical and emotional.

So, I should just stay away.

I was already the bigger person for writing that email. I’ve done enough.

I wish for many things to make the ending better, but I don’t want to write or think about them.

No expectations.

I wish life was about expectations met and exceeded. But, it’s not. It’s about having no expectations, and make the most of what comes your way.

I want to have more control over what comes my way. I want to maximize the happiness that comes my way.

I think to some extent we can do that, but, what is that extent? I try my best. But sometimes maybe I try too hard and too much to control my future.

So in this case, I will just let things be.

I’m going away with Alex, Andrew, and Debbie on Wednesday. Back on Thursday. Then leave on Thursday.

That leaves just tomorrow. I’m going to Kuta tomorrow for wave machine! Whoever wants to come can come. Hopefully at least one person. Can be anyone except Kevin haha.

And that’s that. No chance for Sam and I to hang out ever again. And that’s ok. He brought me joy, but also so much pain. Even if we learn to communicate better, he is still such a pain in the ass.

So forget it. Forget him. Let it go. Let him go.