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Been back 4 days now. The jet-lag struggle is real. I haven’t been trying very hard to correct it though. Just taking life easy. I’ve been easy on myself. I need time to heal.

Gotta love myself HARD! Hahaha

I’ve been posting  on FB and IG a bit much haha. But that’s ok. Getting more familiar with IG, and need to get those Bali pics up.

I check these two sites so many times a day, along with CashCowPro for Amazon sales. These are my source of tiny doses of endorphins throughout the day.

I also swipe Tinder and Bumble so religiously. I managed to connect with two entrepreneurs so far. They don’t seem too fun, but might be good to meet up and talk to anyway.

Sometimes I suddenly think about Sam, mostly the bad which angered me or made me sad. I tried to let it pass. Sometimes it’s the good. I tried to let that pass too.

It’s getting easier each day.

I really need to come to the understanding that we are soooo different, like two different species. We hurt each other in ways that we can’t even comprehend.

But, it’s all over now. Time to move on to the next person, the better person, the good person, for me 🙂

I listen to Lady Gaga’s a million reasons for a while. It’s still in my head. It somehow makes me think of me and him. A million reasons why we can’t be together, but if we wanted to, there could’ve been a chance.

But like I said to Berta, we haven’t even addressed the tiny dick issue! There are so many other issues to resolve, we can’t even say, Well, everything is amazing, except for this tiny dick issue.

—

June 20th at 1pm. Don’t want to make a new post since I wrote the above at 4am today 🙂

I’ve been watching pornhub. It’s somewhat satisfying. Too bad I can’t be loud.

I just thought about Sam and F and it pissed me off again.

Stay calm.

Sam did love me. He is just messed up.

Him and F may or may not have anything. He has a low bar, to be honest. He was drawn to you because you make him laugh. You and him have a happy bond. You were always bonded via happiness. Him and her, they bonded via cigarette and sadness and darkness, if they were bonded at all. You also left him no choice as he had no one else to bond with. Plus they are neighbours.

It’s just not meant to be.

You are meant to be with someone much much better for you! Someone who is kind, loving, patient, and stable. Someone who has a nice, good-sized dick. Not Sam’s wilted, puny, malnourished dick.

There’s so much to him that you can’t relate, so don’t get hung up on when he liked you, how much, how little, when he stopped, etc. There’s much going on in his head, and lots of it is complex and dark.

Just know that, you did get what you wanted. You wanted him to be attracted to you, to find you hard to resist, to care about you, to love you, to lust for you. You wondered if he liked you in South Africa. He did.

He did a lot for you. As much as he denied his feelings for you, he did do a lot. Don’t just take what he says in its face value. He loved you more than he realized or willing to show. If he didn’t love you so much, he wouldn’t have let you in on his dark side, his secrets. He wouldn’t have cried in front of you.

He thought about marriage with you actually. He wouldn’t admit it, and he probably didn’t know…but deep down, he wanted a life with you. He admired you. He was just so full of stress, projection, loss, wound, jealousy, contempt, and darkness. He can’t be with someone like you. He is broken. Too broken.

He wanted so bad for you to be gentle with him, so be careful with him. He wanted so bad to be with you. But he kept on observing ways that he could be hurt, and how it could end badly, and he created that reality.

Don’t let F cloud your judgement of what you and Sam had. She is messed up. She is fake and private and wounded. Much like Sam, but she has a worse intention, perhaps.

It does not matter what she is now. Just let her go. Don’t let her get inside your mind. Love yourself enough to give yourself this peace and protection.

Sam did so much that you didn’t notice or express at the time.

Learn to appreciate more.

Learn to take it slow.

Learn to only enter into a relationship where there is no unescapable stress from the group, no ex-baggages, no mental illness.

Enter a relationship with someone who is clearly loving, clearly interested, clearly stable. Someone fun, someone who goals align with yours, someone playful and will make you happy day to day, someone who is location and financially independent, someone who laughs wholeheartedly, someone who is wholehearted, someone who is genuine and kind and transparent, someone who is open-minded and encouraging towards you, someone who is inspiring and is inspired by you. Someone who is sincere, loyal, and deeply in love with you :))

When I got mad at Alex about not coming to pick me up at the airport

Why did I get mad? I didn’t like that he was being insincere, unfocused, unthoughtful. I really really wanted to have a sexy time with him on the phone before I flew off. I really really wanted to have a perfect reunion at the airport and didn’t appreciate the imperfection

When I got mad at Nicolas about not giving me attention when I tried to tell him about my alopecia. I think that’s fair.

When I got mad at him for being selfish at the Make-It show. Probably fair too.

Sometimes I expect perfection.

Also, I was losing respect for him…I didn’t like him very much. I didn’t like how he looked. I didn’t like his sense of humour. I didn’t like this stupid Halloween costume idea. I didn’t like how much he relied on me.

When I got mad at Idriss for snapping at me for looking at his screen.

I was really mad because he assumed the worst of me. Maybe that was what Mom did to me so there was a wound there. I hate being misunderstood.
Recognize that some people do that. Remind them of circumstance v.s character.
Practice not doing it yourself. You don’t want to influence other to make them think the worst in me or other people. Assume “bad circumstance” instead of “bad character”.

I was really mad because he snapped at me. He didn’t need to do that. Dad was snappy when I was a kid. No patience. I hated that.
https://www.livehappy.com/relationships/5-tactics-coping-cranky-people

Never get suddenly really mad at someone. Always think of possible circumstance that explains the situation, so that I need no be upset. Think about the possibility that I was overreacting, or I had a wound, or they had a wound.

What to say to someone who is being bullied:

What To Say To Someone Who Is Being Bullied

I wrote the below on the plane. But now at a Lopiluwak cafe, I’m feeling better. I had this thought:

Sam and I we both tried our best, but we seem to constantly hurt each other unintentionally

Flying back now to Canada. I still think about what happened. It’s such a mental assault. I wish I could stop thinking about him and the pain that he caused me. But I’m writing now. I hope that writing will help. I think it’ll help more than just sitting here and thinking too much. I want to sort my thoughts.

Why do I keep going back to thinking about him? What exactly do I think about?

Well, I just retrace some of our interactions and wondered if something could’ve been done to fix it. But that time has all passed now.

I also think about, what if he writes to me and what if I write to him. Well, that’s also quite pointless to think about. I’m not going to write to him, and he is not going to write to me.

I guess in the back of my mind I’m thinking, he is not going to write to me now, but he might write to me later. He might realize at some point down the road that he really was to blame, and that he will apologize.

But do I really need that apology? I kind of know that he feels bad already. I kind of know that he will feel worse and worse down the road.

Do I want to interact with him in the future? No.

Let’s say he apologizes. Does that give me a peace of mind? No. Peace of mind comes from me, not him.

So what if he feels bad? Or not? So what if he cares? Or not?

None of these matter. i don’t want him in my life

The reason why I don’t want him in my life is because he will only cause more harm than good.

Best case scenario, he says, Tanya, I was afraid to love you but I actually do love you. Let’s try again. Let’s communicate better this time. I’m more mature now.

Would I really want that? No! His dick is waaaay too small. He has mood swings. He is mentally unstable. He has no patience. He has no self control. He has no grit. He is self centred. He is self righteous.

Other things he can potentially fix, such as being wounded by his ex…the wound can potentially heal. But, first of all, I honestly doubt it. The next person will still live in the shadow of his idealization of his ex, who is a piece of shit really. Or maybe just in his mind, because he painted the picture for me. She is a piece of shit and he is all over that.

Second, the dick size is not fixable. Mood swings are not fixable. I think genetics are not on his side. I think his has the depression genes.

So, Tanya, when you think logically, you have no more dealings with him. You don’t need to hear from him. Just block him in every way.

Yes, you can keep the good memories. And no, you don’t need to let him know that you blocked him. And no, you don’t need to seek revenge by telling him that he has a needle dick or any of the above that you wrote.

Tanya, be a good person, for the next great guy you meet. Learn from this experience instead of being wounded. Show that you take the high road instead of getting nasty.

Ok, once you know this, don’t you feel more relieved? Don’t you feel better? Yes.

When you think about the past, an experience you had with him, just think, how will I gain from this for my next relationship?

Remember some good things about him, and let him go. Don’t go around and harm others just because you are hurt. That’s one thing I can learn. Wounded people hurt other people!

So, some good things.

I adored that he tried to teach me to ride a scooter. He showed patience.

I adored that he took my fins off for me when I was by the boat. He showed tenderness.

I adored that he took good care of me when I was on mushroom. I liked showing that I needed him, and I liked that he was there for me. I remember getting up, all wobbly; I looked around and asked, where is Sam? And there he was, ready to be with me. He stood up and suggested that we walk somewhere alone. He pleasured me. We danced freely. I laughed a lot. He wanted to go back with me and have sex. He really tried to be good to me. He showed effort, and attraction, and love.

There are, at the same time, a million terrible things about him. But, I won’t think about them now. We’ll just go with one thing – the extremely tiny dick.

His tiny dick – it is there to help you not feel such a sense of loss. A sense of how it could be between us, if all stars aligned and if we can be a match.

Imagine if you didn’t come to Bali. You would’ve still been wondering what could’ve been between you and him. Fantasizing about being with him forever. Not knowing that he sucks in bed and has a tiny wiener. And 3 years later, when you finally do meet, you learn that he has changed so much, into someone who you don’t love and can’t love and won’t love you back.

At least now, I know.

Sam has been affecting my mood so much. I don’t like it. At the same time, I think I’m a bit hooked on it. I don’t like that either.

I will write this, but I don’t want to spend too much time on this. He’s taken up enough of my time.

That day, he agreed to talk, he came over to my room. We talked. He wouldn’t open up to me. We both lost patience. He started to leave. I got mad. I told him that he is an awful person. I was so mad, I chased him downstairs.

The next day, at Justin’s going away at that pizza place, I ignored him. He tried to say hi and ask how I was. I shrugged. He tried to sit near me, with Berta in between.

Thankfully Bella was there. I was telling her about how we heard her having sex with Johan, and she laughed. I told her about Sam, how we didn’t really have sex. She laughed. I told her that Sam was small. She laughed too. I told her about his craziness. She said, don’t bother with this guy.

I got some joy out of making Bella laugh so much in front of Sam. For that I was entertaining and that I didn’t seem as affected. I also got some joy out of looking really good and while Sam was chatting with Issa, Issa was like, wow. Oh and I was talking to Ricardo, a guy that Filipa met in Dojo. We had a good chat too, in front of Sam. But who knows how he felt. We think so differently.

The next day, he came over to try to talk. I was surprised, but not too surprised. He can’t stand that we are on bad terms, and I think it’s because he cares so much about what other people think, and that he didn’t want other people to think badly of him.

He also really wanted to know what happened during my healing session with Tunjung. I knew he would be curious. I told him. I cried as I told him.

He mentioned how he opened up to me about his suicidal thoughts, and I wasn’t supportive. That made me want to cry. He was right. I was glad he opened up to me.

Then he mentioned that he was really scared when I was mad at him during the first days. I wanted to comment on that. Not sure what happened to that thread of conversation.

Then he mentioned how he thinks that us being together makes other people not want to connect with him.

I said I thought he was wrong.

He was suddenly furious. He got really close to me to tell me to never do that again, and he stormed off.

I told him I was half joking. But, it wasn’t the truth. I just didn’t think as serious of these things as he does.

I was glad that he opened up to me, but I was not sure how to proceed with us. Wtf was that and how do I go from there?

I wrote a lot to him….but didn’t send it.

I went surfing instead and was enjoying it the past two days.

I was writing my journal about Tunjung, and decided to send Sam an email after all. I removed the parts about how he made me feel insecure, and the parts about him storming off. I only sent him the part about his suicidal thoughts….how I was sorry that I wasn’t very supportive. I didn’t want to judge. I didn’t want to tell him more about where I was coming from. It’s fine. There’s no point. Maybe it’s the “so you know” part of me that Tunjung mentioned, and I need to tone that down. The email was mostly just about him. I googled on how to console someone who has had suicidal thoughts. I’m supposed to let them know that I don’t want them to die, I care about them, and I’m glad they are still here.  Maybe I should do that for Norm.

Come to think of it, Norm, Nicolas, Alex have all tried to kill themselves. Either it’s really common, or I attract them. But most of these were from the past, not relating to me. Maybe I’m drawn to them?

Anyway, I sent that email. I felt proud of myself. I cried as I was polishing up that part. I cried as I thought about him wanting to kill himself.

Facebook was full of ads and posts about depression and suicide.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he has depression. His mom has it.

I told him I value him and have a lot of love for him.

It’s true.

I still like him a lot. I like his voice, his sense of humour. His fashion style has grown on me too, and the way he moves.

Funny how, his small dick doesn’t come to mind too much. I crave his physical intimacy, despite all that small dick, which I couldn’t even really look at.

I think physical intimacy is such a big one for me. If someone doesn’t want to get sexy with me, I feel so rejected. If someone does want to get sexy, I feel happy, even if they are lacking in other ways…like with Matthew.

I shouldn’t make physical intimacy such a big deal though. Some people care more about the mental connection, emotional support and understanding.

4 days left. 3 days technically.

I don’t want to have more to do with Sam, unless he wants to be physically intimate.

Honestly, he’s rejected me on every level. Physical and emotional.

So, I should just stay away.

I was already the bigger person for writing that email. I’ve done enough.

I wish for many things to make the ending better, but I don’t want to write or think about them.

No expectations.

I wish life was about expectations met and exceeded. But, it’s not. It’s about having no expectations, and make the most of what comes your way.

I want to have more control over what comes my way. I want to maximize the happiness that comes my way.

I think to some extent we can do that, but, what is that extent? I try my best. But sometimes maybe I try too hard and too much to control my future.

So in this case, I will just let things be.

I’m going away with Alex, Andrew, and Debbie on Wednesday. Back on Thursday. Then leave on Thursday.

That leaves just tomorrow. I’m going to Kuta tomorrow for wave machine! Whoever wants to come can come. Hopefully at least one person. Can be anyone except Kevin haha.

And that’s that. No chance for Sam and I to hang out ever again. And that’s ok. He brought me joy, but also so much pain. Even if we learn to communicate better, he is still such a pain in the ass.

So forget it. Forget him. Let it go. Let him go.

Had an amazing experience with the healer Tunjung in Ubud.

Justin, Debbie and I went. It was Debbie’s second time. She raved about the first time, so we went.

I wanted to keep an open mind, and I did.

Tunjung looked like Oracle from the Matrix for sure. Younger though. Maybe in her 30s or 40s.

I asked her, I feel that I’m pretty positive and happy, but there’s a sadness. Why?

To my total surprise, she said, It’s something from when you were 12 or 13.

She asked about my relationship with my dad. I said it’s good. She asked about my relationship with my mom. I said it’s great. She said, it’s your mom. You felt a sense of abandonment when you were young.

I said how could that be. I’m an only child, and she was always there.

She said, yes physically, but not emotionally.

I didn’t quite believe it, but I started to cry. I felt so emotional…

I told her about how I lost my hair at 10. The story about how my mom excluded me from a family photo. How she stopped saying that I was beautiful. How she said she felt sorry for me. How she kept trying to find cures for me instead of telling me I was still me and I was still beautiful.

She said I should learn to have no expectations of my parents. They are just human. It was as though she read my mind. I told her that I do think that now. She said, yes, but you need to go back to that time and heal that wound.

She suggested that I meditate on this everyday, until one day I’ll feel my heart open. And the sadness will be gone.

I was amazed and impressed!

I asked her other questions, such as why I have no close friends. Am I too critical? Too judging? She said, you’re not too critical or judging, but you have a certain expectations of what close friends are like. You actually have a lot of people who love you.

1. I’m happy and positive, but there’s a certain sadness in me. What is it?
2. I’m holding back, timid and shy sometimes – in my voice, in my actions, fear of not saving enough money, fear of getting old. How can I learn to live with more confidence and be free of these worries?
3. How can I give and receive love better? Have closer relationships with friends? I feel that I hold back, I can be critical of people. I don’t have very close friends.  Sometimes I feel that people don’t want to be closer friends with me. Like they don’t have a great time around me. Do I have a negative energy? Am I too serious? Too critical? Unrelatable?
4. Will I find true, lasting love this life? What can I do to help this happen?

Last night, after blow up with Sam, I talked to Mom.

I’m so grateful for Mom.

I felt surprisingly calm though. I wasn’t deeply sad. Not that I’m aware of.

I think it’s because he’s shown me so much of his ugly side, that I’m not very attracted to him anymore.

But I want to write about this. I think it’s important to decide now how I’m going to remember us and our conversation.

1. I feel that I understand him quite well now. He has a facade, a thick mask. It is friendly and nothing bothers him. However under the mask, there is so much going on. Deep deep sadness, lack of fulfillment, suicidal thoughts, judgements of other people, judgements of self, a sensitive and traumatized child. (Maybe that was the deep pain I felt of “others” while on mushroom.) Because he was so sensitive, he had to build this thick mask.
2. He can’t open up to me, saying that he had blocked out the pain. This I don’t quite understand. How could I have cause so much pain? He is very sensitive indeed.
3. He was unhappy with my attitude about learning from him and about my progress. For example, he thought that we progressed slowly in acroyoga. I thought we progressed quickly! He went to acro just 4 or 5 times, and he based our progress on his experience with those people. This frustrates me a little, because it’s like he is saying I’m not good at it or we are not good together. I need to recognize the fact that Zach and I did the throne on first try. And that the people he met at acro probably had done it before, whereas I was starting from scratch. He was overly critical, impatient, and pessimistic of us. He masked that, but I can tell he was frustrated that day at Udara. I also need to recognize that Zach kept giving him advice and he kept not taking it. He was blaming it on us or me, when he was a large part of it too.
4. On his mask, he is patient and trying and nice and kind. But below that, he is competitive, selfish, impatient, judging, ugly. We all have qualities we try to overcome and improve upon. But I think he sweeps those under the mask, instead of transforming these qualities. It created a very bi-polar character. When his ugly traits rear their heads, he gets moody, tries to hide it.  He wants so badly to be perfect, and is frustrated that he is far from it.
5. He was very critical of me, because he is very critical of himself. This I understand. He is extra critical because he was so desperately and impatiently seeking the one, while he feels that he had found the one already (his ex) and just needs to work on her to help her become someone who he can be with forever.
6. He couldn’t leave his ex, and I think some of these things had to do with his small penis that she miraculously enjoyed. Maybe someone else had criticized him on that, and she didn’t. Also, they bond over the erratic and deeply traumatized children within them. Also, he idealize his relationship with her, saying that they felt like one. She didn’t. I’m sure. She doesn’t love him. She doesn’t love herself.
7. He really didn’t see the best sides of me. Scooter was my weakness. Verbal skills. Voice skills. Acting. Sports. Pool. I think in his eyes I was probably quite lame. And I felt inadequate. He was good at all of the above. And in all honesty, I could learn to become good at some of these things. Hence I’m motivated to improve my verbal skills, acting, and sports.
8. Is this how I saw Alex? I felt that Alex was bad at so many things, that I had more values to offer. Like, biz experience, money, ability to solve problems.
9. He did see me do better at volleyball. And I was quite good at Muay Thai and he wasn’t impressed. He was coming from the point of view of finding faults. Also he didn’t see potentials in me in becoming spiritual like him. I wasn’t all in on his passion of being spiritual. I am drawn to these spiritual things, but I don’t like to act like I’m not myself, and that I blindly accept what he was into. I feel unintelligent to do that. I think Filipa is the kind to pretend to accept it all, which is a great way to butter someone up. But she is just doing it to fit in and to attract. I approach it my way, not his way. I ask questions. He didn’t like that I even questioned it. I was opening up to new ideas, but he can’t see it and it’s not fast enough for him.
10. We really don’t communicate in the same way. I was surprised to learn that in his mind, his tried to communicate so many times and failed. Even as we talked last night, he kept saying, I just explained. When he didn’t really, from my perspective. We really are on different wavelengths. Are we even in the same Universe? We have such disparity.
11. I don’t like that he made me feel inadequate (though I’m sure I made him feel that way too). I can work on being more verbal with my compliments.
12. Usually, guys are not talkative or aware of their feelings. Women are aware and but may get moody instead of being able to verbalize it. He is a blend of moody, aware, and not talkative. A terrible blend really.

What have I learned from this experience?

1. Look for emotionally stable guys, and someone who is happily single, not tormented, not hung up on his ex.
2. Recognize facade/mask/secretiveness when I see it. A transparent person is much easier to be with.
3. A communicative person doesn’t necessarily communicate well. Find someone with whom I can communicate well with. It’s very important.
4. Patience in the person is important. Patience for the relationship. Patience to cultivate a relationship and get to know the person.
5. Acceptance. Find someone who accepts and appreciates me, is my number one fan, and vice versa.
6. Acroyoga is a good couples exercise
7. Mushrooms can be very therapeutic and life changing
8. Dance freely
9. Learn more, be more, so I can add value to the relationship

Things I want to learn:

1.  Learn to be more supportive
2. I will work on giving more praises to my partner and people in general. In public and in private
3. Improve my communication skills – voice, improv, acting lessons
4. I need to work on being less problem-solving oriented, and instead learn to make people feel loved and be able to open up to me.
5. Learn how to build a deeper connection with people. By challenging them, teaching them, introducing new experiences, laughing with them, relating to them, loving and accepting them, proving things of value (advice, food, services).

Well, we talked, and it was worse than I expected.

He came over to my room. I tried to be very honest and open with him. I told him that he broke my heart again and again and I’m numb now. I was borderline going to cry, but there were no tears.

I asked him to be open to me. He said he blocked out the painful memories and would not go into that place.

I wanted him to pin point when I made him feel that I attacked him when he tried to open up to me.

He kept refusing to go back in time.

He kept saying that he already said to me many times why I wasn’t for him. It was something about energy.

He said I should work on myself. My insecurities.

I said it’s too vague, be more specific. But he can’t.

It ended up being a very unproductive talk.

He started to get up to leave. I asked him to be more patient. He said we can try another time. I said no.

I was very mad and I chased him out. I said he was awful. I said he needed to work on himself.

But after he left, I didn’t feel super upset. I wanted to call Mom, but I wasn’t crying and my heart beat wasn’t increased.

I felt very little.

But I did have a strong urge to tell him that he has a needle dick.

It’s mean, but I want to email him that after I’m back in Vancouver.

Most likely I won’t, unless he proves to be more hurtful in the next 10 days.

This is an entry to help me turn on my happiness engine, and feel better about me and Sam.

1. He really likes me but he is resisting the feeling. He is scared and wounded, so he is quick to reject me.
2. He is incredibly sensitive and moody so we really can’t be together anyway
3. His penis is indeed very very small.
4. His touch and his kiss are both too weak. There’s no sex appeal or chemistry.
5. He had tried his best to be sweet to me. There are good moments.
6. He is hurt that I want to end our friendship completely after this, and he is pulling back now to protect himself.
7. He is sad because he came home to see me having a very deep conversation with Alex and Johan where we can’t even say hi to him. I didn’t even look at him. I know for sure this bothered him to an extent. I think it’s why he was so gloomy the next day.
8. Don’t believe in everything he says that is what he thinks. Either he doesn’t know or he is lying. For example, he said he didn’t think much of us in South Africa. Everything he said pointed to him wanting a relationship with me. If he really didn’t think that of me, it made no sense that he would suddenly want to try to date me while we are in Bali.
9. He is more hurt than I can imagine. By me an by his ex.
10. His mind is so vulnerable and a bit delusional. He doesn’t remember saying to me that he loves me. He also doesn’t remember hitting on me in South Africa.
11. Deep down I know he loves me though. And the reason why he brought up why we shouldn’t be together so many times is because he kept thinking about being together, and his fear caused him to think about all the reasons why we can’t be together. On Gili T, he said, if we do this you have to be ok with going into the dark side with me. I said, No, I don’t want to.

Sigh. I tried so hard to make this last ’til the end of the chapter, but he has really made it impossible.

What did I learn from this?

Well, what happened here was not preventable.

I didn’t know what I was getting into. I mean, I kinda knew that I should’ve waited longer before seeing him, but, maybe it’s good to know his true colour earlier than later.

I shouldn’t blame Mom for suggesting that I come here. She really didn’t know better. And she is a different person with different understanding of people.

I have grown some and learned a few things and made good friends. It’s not all lost.

I have no expectations from him now. I don’t care if we talk. It would be nice to end on a good note, but I won’t try to make it happen. Just leaving it as is.

Sam,

You’ve doomed our relationship since the day you said let’s try but not really mean it.

You never gave us a chance.

You were resisting every step of the way.

You were constantly finding all the reasons for why we shouldn’t be together. You sabotaged it further by getting deeper into a relationship with your ex.

You keep trying to communicate to me why we shouldn’t be together. You keep taking love away from our relationship, retracting more and more.

Then you blame me for not being supportive.

I would’ve been 1000% supportive, if I know that you are sincere. If I know that you are not retracting every day, finding reasons to pull back.

Think about your criticism of me. Think of all the flaws you point out, such as me not supporting you. Now think about your ex, who verbally abuses you, cheated on you, did not support you, took you for granted, leeched onto you, and continues to hinge onto you for selfish reasons. You took that shit for 2 years, but you can’t give me the benefit of the doubt, the credit for trying, the credit for good intentions, for 1 week.

I think you have absorbed a lot of her bad traits recently, and it has made you unstable, selfish, abusive.

In the pretence seeking spiritual and self improvement, you are more scared than anyone. You are more wounded than anyone.

Went to breakfast with Sam yesterday. He was grumpy. I kept my composure and asked why.

He said he was bored, and no one here stimulates him. It was rather insulting to say that to my face I thought. He felt trapped.

I said he is free to go anywhere, why would he feel trapped. I can’t remember his reply.

I asked him why he wanted to do breakfast. He said because he said so and didn’t want to flake out. I asked why he wanted to do it the first place, and he said he felt that I’d like that. And he wanted to see me in a different setting, and how we work together.

He wanted to go get a smoke and I urged him to wait half an hour. We started fighting for his wallet.

We play fought a lot. I was biting him, he was licking me, drooling on me, eating a salad off me.

He asked, Can you stop being so sexy? I said no.

We worked together for a bit. I’d touch him once in a while, and he’d touch me once in a while.

Sometimes he’d pulled me onto his lap, sometimes he’d sit on my lap :/

He asked me what part of his body he can improve upon. I said he can improve his personality. Haha.

Then more seriously, I said his body is fine, but maybe he can improve how he is in bed. I said I thought he’d be amazing in bed and an amazing kisser. He said it’s because he is holding back from me.

He still wouldn’t kiss me aside from a light peck on the lips. I think we did kiss that night when we tried to have sex…but it wasn’t good. He positioned his tongue weirdly.

At one point he asked if I’m no longer in love with him. Something like that. I said I think so, but I still want to have fun.

Still he holds back and thought that sex would change us because we are more emotionally involved. Ugh.

In a lot of ways I’m less and less attracted to him, for sure. But we had fun at breakfast.

He dropped me off at Dojo and I worked with Debbie for a little bit. It was mostly me talking to Alex behind Debbie’s back, getting him to apologize to her for being rude.

It all worked out, but I didn’t get much work done. Sigh.

In the afternoon, Sam and I went to muay thai. He said he didn’t care if I went with him, which annoyed me, but I went. I was curious. It was fun, but was hard on the knuckles so I wouldn’t do it again.

He was not having a lot of fun. He fell into a melancoly state again.

In the evening, we all gathered around Zac for poker. Sam stayed a bit and left. He was not having fun.

At dinner, he ate quickly and left.

I messaged him to ask how I can help him feel better. He didn’t reply.

I went to his room and find him, Filipa, Debbie, and Dile sitting on the balcony. It’s as though he is most free with the girls, and the girly guys.

I talked to him for a bit, but he was rather closed off to me, so I left.

I didn’t feel especially sad, but I really don’t like how his mood swings by the hour.

Today, I still thought about it.

I messaged him. I told him that if he sees me as a good friend, then he should treat me as one, and let me help.

Surprisingly he said I always attack him when he opens up to me so he doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to me.

Sigh.

Now he just posted on Canguu community that he is looking for a place starting June 1.

He has so many issues. It makes me feel very stressed. And at the same time it seems that he feels that I’m doing that to him. What the fuck.

I want us to be good. Even though he has so many issues. Even though this thing we have is short term.

Why am I here in Bali?

I wish I’m where I’m supposed to be.

I want to meet someone for me. I want to be stress-free. I want my life to be full of love, laughter, and freedom of time and money.